KRISH WOKE up as gray light filtered into the unfamiliar bedroom. His head hurt, more from the staples than from getting hit, but that didn’t bother him as much as seeing Silas curled up in an easy chair in the corner. He looked awfully uncomfortable. Krish stood from the bed and approached him to shake his shoulder.
“Hmmm.”
“Silas. Take the bed. Come on.”
“No, I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”
Krish stood up and cursed. He used the adjoining bathroom and returned to Silas’s chair.
“I’m not going back to sleep unless you get in that bed.”
Silas grumbled and stood up, keeping the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and flopped facedown on the bed. “Get in here,” he said.
“Silas.”
“Krish, I’m too fucking tired to argue with you. Just get in the bed, dammit.”
“Fine, dammit.”
Silas chuckled and rolled over toward the wall. Krish took a chance and ran his hands up Silas’s back, hoping to work the kinks out with his thumbs along Silas’s spine.
“Fuuuuuck, that feels good.”
Krish smiled to himself and continued working on Silas’s knotted shoulders. He’d taken some classes with his mother when she decided to go back to work as a massage therapist, and he really enjoyed the peace he could provide others with his hands. He wanted to do that with his writing as well.
He massaged Silas’s back, neck, and shoulders until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and drifted off. When he woke next, Silas was lying on his back with his hand resting on his chest. He was staring up at the ceiling, his brow creased in concentration, tapping his thumb along to some rhythm only he could hear. The motion made his bracelets jingle enough to have awakened Krish.
“Good morning? Or is it afternoon?” Krish asked.
Silas turned his head and smiled. “It’s around nine, I think. I don’t hear much movement out there, though.” He turned on his side. “You get any sleep?”
Krish yawned, covering his mouth. “Yeah. Some. Until I’d roll over and bump my staples. I usually sleep on that side, so it’s going to take getting used to.”
Silas winced. “Yeah, it looks kind of angry.” He moved some of Krish’s hair away from the wound and shook his head. “Damn.”
“It’s not going to be fun, but I’ll live. How’s Brains?”
Silas sighed. “He was better before bed last night, but I don’t know. He doesn’t do well when all he can do is sit. He’s a health freak—he exercises every day, meditates and shit. Guess he’ll do a whole lot of meditating now.”
“I’m so sorry, Silas. For everything.”
“I know.” Silas smiled, brushing more hair out of Krish’s face. “I’m sorry too. I could have handled it better.”
“No, I should have told you. It was stupid. If I were you, I’d never speak to me again. But for selfish reasons, I can’t help but hope you can forgive me, even if I don’t deserve it.”
Silas was quiet for several beats, long enough to make Krish squirm.
“I forgave you yesterday, after I left. I talked to a friend, and he reminded me that people have reasons why they fuck up. Not excuses. I don’t hear you making excuses, but I’d like to know your reasons, for real. The shit I make up in my head about it is probably worse than your reasons.”
“Totally fair. My reasons are simple. I don’t tell anyone. Jake knows because we were roommates for a while. And my parents know. And my brother knew. That’s it.”
“But Krish, your writing is so important. It’s bigger than you. You’ve touched so many people. Don’t you know that?” Silas leaned forward and kissed Krish on the forehead. “You touched me with your words before you ever touched me.”
Krish didn’t know how to respond, so he tried to focus on breathing and waited for Silas to continue.
“Were you afraid I’d influence your writing? Or have something to say about it?”
“Maybe. I worried you’d be angry over things I’ve written.”
“How could I be? You’ve written such beautiful reviews of our albums and shows.”
Krish smiled, and his cheeks warmed from the praise. “I’ve always been able to keep my feelings about the person separate from the music… except with you. I can’t do that with you. I’ve wanted to know you for so long, but it was never going to happen, which is why I let myself write the things I did, hoping somehow you’d read them and know how much you meant to me. As more than a musician. As a man.”
“Krish—”
“But I also didn’t want to seem creepy. I swear I wasn’t stalking you or anything.”
“I almost wish you would have been. Then maybe we would have met sooner. I certainly tried to find you.”
Krish balked in surprise. “You tried to find me?”
Silas rolled his eyes. “I did. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“What do you mean, embarrassing? What did you do?”
Silas pressed his lips together and blushed. “I figured out early on that you didn’t answer emails. Then I tried to make a fake email account so you wouldn’t know it was me, but that didn’t work either. I searched all the socials, DM’d you on Twitter. Nothing. At one point, I was so desperate to find you, I almost hired a private investigator. Then I met a guy who claimed to be a hacker, and he said he could find you. But that would have involved some illegal shit, and I had to draw the line there. So I don’t want to hear you were worried about creepy, because I went all kinds of creepy trying to find you.”
Krish burst out laughing and rolled over to bury his face in Silas’s shoulder. “You couldn’t have DM’d me on Twitter. I have them turned off.”
“Shit. Then who was I messaging?”
“Beats the hell out of me,” Krish said. Then he paused. “Wait. Did you send dick pics?”
Silas pushed him away playfully. “No. God, I’m not that desperate.”
Krish sighed dramatically. “It’s too bad. I might have answered if you had, especially now that I’ve seen it.”
That led to play fighting, which led to Krish’s head getting bumped and both of them wincing in pain. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, babe.”
“It’s okay,” Krish said, taking advantage of their closeness to press a gentle kiss to Silas’s lips, to see if he’d respond.
Silas immediately melted against him and stuck his tongue in Krish’s mouth, once again refusing to be thwarted by morning breath. They embraced and rolled each other over, taking turns being on top, kissing like they hadn’t kissed in millennia.
“I’m really sorry, Silas. Can we try this again? Can we start over?”
Silas shook his head, brushing his nose against Krish’s. “No way. I don’t want to start over. I want to pick up where we left off. If we weren’t in some stranger’s bed, I’d fuck you right now,” Silas growled against Krish’s neck. “We’ve got to find a hotel soon. I need to—”
“Wait, Silas. I’m supposed to go to San Francisco. I—”
“What do you mean? Are you leaving?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to. But yesterday I got a call from Alt-Scene magazine. They want to meet with me.”
Silas sat up. “You’re going to work for a magazine? Why? The blog is fantastic.”
Krish sat up to face him. “I double majored in music and journalism. I want to be a music journalist. I want to write about things that matter, and Alt-Scene is growing their social justice section. I want to be a part of it.”
Silas frowned. “That sounds… but a reporter? I don’t know, man. I think your blog is awesome. I’d hate to see you change because you’re a member of the press, you know? Is this what you want?”
“It is. I think. I want the experience of writing for a magazine—in my style, in my voice. I’ve been holding out hope, waiting to see if they would offer me a permanent position and not only guest posts on their blog. I have to meet with the managing editor to work out the details.”
Silas’s expression was hard to read. “When is your meeting?”
“Tomorrow at ten. But I can call them. I don’t want to leave you with everything up in the air.”
Silas rubbed at his head, sat back, and rested his forearms on his knees. “Yeah. Things are definitely in flux. Brains wants us to find someone to replace him, not pull off the tour. It makes the most sense businesswise, but it feels weird.”
Krish took his hand and squeezed. “That’s got to be a lot. So many changes. You just got Jordan.”
Silas perked up. “See? You get me, Krish. You’re absolutely right. We were just getting into the groove with Jordan, and now someone else? At least the sets are shorter, though, so it would be fewer songs for someone new to get good with. God, I can’t even believe I’m talking about this. It feels like a betrayal.”
“I can understand that, but at the same time, there’s a lot more at stake if you don’t continue with the tour, right?”
Silas nodded and put his head down on his arms. “Yeah. A lot of people will be impacted.” Then he lifted his head, and that wary expression was back.
“Does this mean I have to start watching what I say around you? And the band—”
“No, Silas. I won’t do that. I’d already decided I won’t write about the band anymore. It’s not right. You can trust me. I know that’s kind of presumptuous on my part after what happened, but it’s true.”
The door burst open, and they both turned their heads.
“Oh. Shit. You’re… um…. Hey, are you busy?”
Okay? Los really was awkward. Either that or he was simply used to them all being out in the open.
“What’s up?” Silas said, patting the bed next to him.
Krish pulled his legs in and scooted back to the wall to make room for Los, who sprawled on the bed between them.
“Nothing. I heard talking in here. Jessica’s on the phone. Paul left to go get food, and I was all by myself.”
Silas petted Los’s long, dyed-black hair, and Los put his head down on the pillows and closed his eyes.
“Did you sleep?” Silas asked him.
“Sort of. The couch was okay, but you know I can’t sleep well at other people’s houses.”
“True.” Silas kept stroking Los’s hair, and Los sighed happily, burrowing his head into the pillows. Within seconds he was snoring.
Krish laughed softly. “Does he always crash this fast?”
Silas leaned down and kissed Los’s forehead. “Yeah, if he’s tired. He probably lay there all night last night staring at the ceiling. When we moved into our flophouse in Oakland, he slept with me for the first couple of months because he was freaked out.”
“Something scare him when he was a kid?”
Silas sighed and nodded. “Yeah. Lots of things. He actually really likes it when we’re on tour and he can sleep in his bunk with all of us together. He’d be happiest if we had a room-sized bed and all slept together. But yeah, puts a cramp in the sex life.”
“He’s straight, yeah?”
“Totally. But I fuck with him all the time, and he takes it well.”
“Yeah, like when you kiss him onstage.”
Silas nodded and then looked down at Los and flicked his tongue at him. Krish snorted, and Los stirred.
Silas held a finger up to his lips and shushed Krish. Then he gestured for him to move forward so he could kiss him as they leaned over Los’s body.
“You’re crazy,” Krish whispered as he kissed Silas long and deep. He wished they were alone, but he also thought it was damn cute that Los was curled up with them.
Silas pulled back and sighed. “Hey. Let me figure out what’s what, and then maybe I can come with you to San Francisco, if Brains is settled. Jessica will be here, and his security blanket.” Silas rolled his eyes.
“His what? What do you mean?”
“Paul. He has, like, fixated on him or something. I can’t explain it, but Paul doesn’t seem to mind at all. I think it’s cute. I’m not sure of Paul’s status, though, and I don’t want to see Brains disappointed.”
“Right. Well, it worked out great that they met, though. Seemed like it was kind of meant to happen, huh?”
Silas grinned. “Yeah. There’s a lot of that going on.”
Los mumbled something about them doing something quieter with their mouths so he could sleep, and they took that as their cue to exit.
“Let me see if Paul’s got some clothes for you. With yours left behind, we’re gonna need to go shopping,” Silas said as he walked Krish into the bathroom. “And I’ll get my clippers out of—shit. They’re on the bus. Let me see if Paul’s got some, and we can cut your hair and then get you showered. You trust me to give you a new do?”
Krish laughed. “I don’t really have a choice, do I? It looks pretty ridiculous. I guess I could wear a hat to my interview?”
Silas turned him to face the mirror and stood behind him. “That could be hot. But we could also give you a rad-ass-motherfucking mohawk. What do you think?”
Krish couldn’t help but laugh at Silas’s enthusiasm and feel grateful they were “picking up where they left off,” as Silas called it. Yeah. It felt right. They’d fallen into something really comfortable that Krish could let himself ease into. If only they didn’t have a time limit or lingering issues of trust. God, why did this have to happen now? If he’d met Silas earlier, before he finished school and decided on this track? Krish had never foreseen his passion for music and writing would intersect with his personal life like this. Everyone has a fantasy of meeting their celebrity crushes, but no one prepares for the possibility of a reality with them. And that’s what Silas was talking about—a reality where they were together.
They’d known each other less than forty-eight hours, but in that time, they’d certainly checked off many of the items on the compatibility list. The one that remained unchecked was that Krish was on a career trajectory that could interfere with Silas’s, and Krish remained unsettled about that fact. He wanted Silas. And he wanted his words to reach those who needed to hear them. How could he do both and not hurt Silas or Hush?
They went to check on Brains and found him sitting in the kitchen at the table with his leg carefully propped up on pillows watching Paul cook breakfast. Well, he was watching Paul, period. Paul wore low-slung sweats and a tight tank top that revealed a whole lot of muscle and some very cool nautical tattoos.
A younger guy, who Krish assumed was his son, Bowie, sat at the table quietly drinking a cup of coffee, looking wide-eyed between the two. Paul introduced them all, and they shook hands.
Silas draped his arms around Brains’s neck from behind and hugged him. “How you feelin’?”
Brains shrugged. “Hurts, but I’ll survive.” He looked at Krish and winced. “What the hell happened to you, dude?”
“The tent pole caught me in the head on the way down. Someone must have fallen on it, though, for it to have cut this deep.” Krish and Silas took seats kitty-corner from each other, with Silas closest to Brains.
“Yeah, the scalp is pretty easy to slice through,” Paul said, flipping bacon in the pan. It smelled so good, Krish’s stomach growled. How long had it been since they’d actually eaten anything?
“Remember when you got cut on top of your head, Bowie? Your aunt bought you guys that stupid trampoline, and you caught the corner of one of the springs pretty serious.”
Bowie blushed and rubbed absently at the top of his head. “Yeah, but it was fun.”
They all laughed, even Brains, who drank from some sort of smoothie that looked and smelled nasty but was probably healthy.
Jessica walked in and sat down at the last empty chair. “The Warped people want to know what’s happening. They’ve given me today.”
Brains cleared his throat. “You’re going to tell them you guys will be in Phoenix by Wednesday night. That’s what you’re going to do.”
“Brains,” Silas said, but Brains held up a hand.
“We’ve come too far to fuck this up right now. We can’t afford to back out.”
Krish knew Brains was right, but Brains’s hands shook as he took another drink of his smoothie.
“Who are we going to get?” Silas asked, taking a plate from Paul and thanking him. Paul handed one to Krish, and he wanted to worship at the man’s feet. Scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes. Perfect.
Jessica sighed. “I’ve already called everyone I know. How about someone already on tour? Someone could do double duty, couldn’t they?”
Brains snorted. “No one I’d want touching my fucking drums. Besides, who’s going to learn all the songs in a couple of days? No, we need someone closer. What about Theo?”
“Drum-tech Theo? We could ask, but I don’t know. He’s not fast enough,” Silas grumbled.
“No one’s fast enough for your speed metal version of the set,” Los said, joining them by sitting on Jessica’s lap. “You gonna pull that shit again?”
“Really?” She shook her head. He leaned down and kissed her hair and they both graciously accepted plates from Paul.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Silas said, ducking his head to eat some scrambled eggs. He winked at Krish, and they all started laughing.
“I guess let’s get him over here so we can try him out. Anyone else we can get? Paul? Is there room, like, in your garage or something, for us to set up Brains’s kit?” Los asked.
“How about the kit in his room?” Silas said, pointing his thumb at Bowie, who was sitting on a bar stool at the counter. “How long you been playing?”
Bowie’s eyes went wide, and he kind of looked around like maybe Silas was talking to someone else. “Um, a while.”
“About ten years,” Paul said. “Give or take. He started guitar first, but he picked up drums soon after.”
Brains looked him over, and Bowie immediately got very interested in his food. He ate a couple more bites, and then carried his plate to the sink. He whispered something to his dad, who patted him on the back of the neck. Bowie gave them a small smile and hurried out of the kitchen.
“Paul?” Brains asked as soon as Bowie was out of earshot. “Can he play?”
Paul leaned his hips against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, but that’s not the issue.”
Krish and Silas watched as Brains and Paul seemed to have a silent conversation that ended in Paul politely excusing himself from the kitchen, but obviously disturbed by something.
“You sure you guys just met yesterday?” Silas asked Brains.
Brains continued to stare in the direction of where Paul had stood moments before.
“I can’t explain it,” he said in a soft voice. “You’d make fun of me if I tried.”
Silas gave Krish a look that he felt all the way through his chest to his heart. It took his breath away.
“Like you’ve found someone who gets you?” Silas asked. “Who understands your fears and needs and isn’t deterred when you freak out? Yeah. I kinda understand.” Silas reached over and took Krish’s hand on top of the table.
Krish’s face hurt from smiling so much.
Brains looked between them and shook his head. “Anyway, it’s all crazy right now, but I’m not anxious or worried, really. Not like I should be. I feel like everything’s going to be all right.”
“I think you’re right,” Silas answered.
PAUL HAD clothes that were a little big but the right height. He also had a nice set of clippers, so an hour later, Krish found himself on Paul’s back patio with a towel around his shoulders, completely at Silas’s mercy.
“So, are we going with the rad-ass-motherfucking-mohawk? Or the full buzz?”
Krish sighed. “Shit. My mom’s going to flip out. She hates it when I cut my hair too short. I think sometimes I’m the daughter she never had. She let it grow so long when I was a kid. It was always a mess.”
“Well, why don’t you let the master work, and we’ll see what you like.”
Silas flicked on the clippers, and Krish shivered when Silas touched his bare shoulder under the towel.
“A shower is going to feel so good when you’re done.”
“I bet. You ready? ’Cause here we go.” Silas started singing under his breath, some unrecognizable tune. Krish closed his eyes as Silas made the first pass with the clippers, the buzzing against his skin only mildly uncomfortable.
“It is kind of a shame. Your hair is so gorgeous. But you’ll love being shaved. It’s very freeing.”
Krish laughed. “We’ll see. My brother thought so.”
Shit. He hadn’t meant to bring up Vivaan. He’d been gone for three years, and Krish still missed him every day, but it didn’t hurt as bad to talk about him. It wasn’t like he talked with anyone other than his mother or Jake on a regular basis about anything of consequence, but for some reason he’d brought it up. That must mean something about Silas.
“Your brother who passed away?” Silas asked gently.
“Yeah. Vivaan. He was a Marine. His unit was hit by an IED in Afghanistan.” His breath came out in a rush, as though getting past those memories had actually required physical exertion. The words continued to come out, and Silas proved to be a good listener.
“He was eight years older than me. He didn’t make it home. Our parents had been so proud of their American soldier son, and the Marines had been happy to have a soldier who spoke Hindi and some Urdu, since he spent summers in Northern India with my mother before I was born. He also picked up some Pashto in Afghanistan. Vivaan was a whiz with languages. Unfortunately, that didn’t save his life. I’m still bitter about his sacrifice.”
“Wow. I’m so sorry,” Silas said quietly as he placed his hand gently on the top of Krish’s head, pushed it forward, and brought the clippers to the back of his neck. He’d told Krish he’d use the #3 first and they’d see how it looked before they went shorter.
Krish watched his hair fall around him, and it mirrored his feelings. Some of the weight he’d been carrying fell along with it.
“He was the one who introduced me to music at a very early age. He knew a lot of musicians, hung out with them when he was in high school and college. He enlisted as an officer.”
“That’s huge,” Silas said. “He took you to shows?”
“Yeah. And I would write in my journal about them afterward. Vivaan asked if he could read what I’d written and I showed him. He told me I needed to keep writing, that I had a gift.”
“He was right. I kept a copy of your post about your guitar for a long time in my wallet. I’d take it out and read it whenever I felt like I couldn’t deal with Gavin’s death. You have no idea how much it meant to me.”
Silas squeezed Krish’s shoulder, and Krish reached up to take his hand. A sob wracked Krish’s body, and he couldn’t speak for a moment. Silas stopped shaving and held his hand.
“I’m glad we were there for each other,” he finally said.
“How do you mean?” Silas asked, stepping around to look at him.
“Your music got me through so many nights. I killed two iPods in that first year with how much I listened to music. Then Gavin died, and I hurt so much for you.”
Silas went back to work on Krish’s head. “It was awful, for sure, but thankfully Los, Brains, and I had each other. I still had my brothers. I’m sorry you were alone dealing with it.”
Krish shrugged and wiped at his eyes. “My mom was great. My dad spent a lot of time at work. It was really hard for him. They struggled as a couple, and I feared their marriage might not make it, but when I started to get myself together, she finally started to grieve, and the two of them went to counseling together. They’re happier now, I think. He’ll retire in a few years, and they’re already making plans to travel. He wants to go run with the bulls in Pamplona or something crazy like that.”
Silas barked out a laugh. “That is crazy, dude.”
“I know. My mom will put her foot down, I’m sure, and he’ll go along with her because that’s what we do.”
Silas finished his first run and brushed hair away from Krish’s face. “She sounds awesome. I’d love to meet her.”
Krish was quiet. Meeting the parents. Krish had only brought one boyfriend home. His father hadn’t accepted his coming out at first. It wasn’t until he lost his eldest son and realized what was really important in life that their relationship improved. His mom had been his biggest supporter, but she was protective, and she found his boyfriend lacking. Jonathan was premed and was quite vocal about his opinions, which were super conservative, and Krish’s mother had a lot to say about it.
Jonathan broke up with him shortly after Vivaan died. He said school was too intense for him to be with anyone, but Krish knew better. Jonathan couldn’t handle helping others grieve, which didn’t bode well for him as a doctor. It was just as well. Krish wasn’t in any position to be in a relationship at that point. But now? With Silas? He was different. Was this where they talked about what happened when real life started back up again?
“Here,” Silas said when Krish didn’t answer. “Take a look and see what you think.” Silas stood in front of him and held up a mirror. Krish’s eyes nearly popped out.
“Oh lord, it looks ridiculous. Doesn’t it?”
Silas chewed on his lip. “No matter what, the staples are going to be there. Your hair will fill in… eventually.”
Krish kicked at Silas’s foot, and he laughed. “What? I think you’re hot however your hair looks. Although with it gone, your features are so…. Damn. You are so gorgeous.”
Krish shook his head. “You sure you didn’t hit your head?”
Silas smacked his shoulder. “Shut up. So what are we doing? You want another opinion?”
“Take it all off. Why not? I’ll get to see what it’s like when I’m an old man.”
Silas snorted. “All righty. The full buzz, coming up.”
Silas started up the clippers, and Krish worked up the nerve to address the elephant in the room. “Hey Silas?”
“Yeah, babe?”
I love hearing that. “Um, so you guys will be going to Phoenix, then.”
“Uh-huh. Somehow. Even if I have to play bass and drums at the same time, apparently.”
Krish chuckled and then chickened out. He’d wanted to ask what would happen when he got back to the tour, but what was the use? Silas would probably reassure him, but starting a relationship while on tour would be tricky and would probably remind him that being with Krish was a complication he didn’t need in his life. Besides, the others still didn’t know his big little secret.
“Whoa. You look hella different, Krish.”
Jordan and Jake had finally awakened and now stood in the doorway staring at him.
“Yeah, well, the uneven thing wasn’t really working for me,” Krish said, wishing they’d quit staring. It was going to be weird enough as it was. He was going to be in the spotlight… with a shaved head and staples. Yay.
“Hey, Silas? We know anything yet?”
“Only that we’re trying to find someone to fill in until Brains can join us. He doesn’t want us to leave the tour. And then there’s the fact we lost our merch girl.” Silas switched off the clippers and brushed more hair away. “Okay, you’re done. How about we get you in the shower? You can’t get your staples wet, but I think I can at least get your head clean. Here, let me look.”
Krish stood up and shook the hair off. He turned to face Silas, expecting the worst and hoping for the best.
Silas beamed at him. “Even more gorgeous. Damn. Uh, we’ll be back.”
Jordan and Jake laughed. “Hey, Krish?” Jake looked uneasy. “I’m taking off this afternoon. Paul said I can take the rapid transit thingie to the airport. I booked a flight out at six.”
Krish’s heart felt heavy. Soon he’d have to say goodbye and leave for San Francisco. He didn’t know if leaving would end things, end the magic. He didn’t want his time with Silas to be over, but truthfully, what were they going to do? They were just getting started, and now that his identity was out of the closet, a whole new set of issues would arise.
“Okay. I’ll give you a hug when I’m not covered in hair.”
He forced a laugh, but his insides were in turmoil. What the hell was supposed to happen next?