Kathryn basked in a serene calmness she’d never felt before. The setting sun bathed the empty beach with a subtle orange hue, and she smiled as she buried her feet in the sand, still warm from the heat of the day. She sat on the shore, mesmerized by the ceaseless rhythm of the incoming surf, and couldn’t help but wish she’d come to this place sooner. She laughed at her wish when she acknowledged life has a way of knowing the perfect time for the perfect place. Her mind was clear, her responsibilities lifted, and like the waves finding their way to shore without her help, the lives of those she tried so meticulously to control would now be left up to fate’s fickle desire.
She didn’t know what, but she knew something big was about to happen, and things would never be the same.
Thierry Bouchaule had called her the night before at the club and warned her not to go to Chicago. When pressed for a reason, he merely claimed he was fulfilling his promise to protect her. He didn’t reveal his plan, but he did say Forrester would not be pleased, and he wanted to make sure she was nowhere near the man when he executed his plan.
She informed her superiors of the warning, and they agreed she should avoid making the trip and should stay out of sight for the duration. Dominic had offered his isolated getaway before, but Kathryn was always afraid to face the solitude of such a place. Today she relished it. She was unafraid of her future, was momentarily at peace with her past, and marveled at the simple pleasure of a mind at rest.
She knew Jenny would be proud of her—contentment was a real achievement—and she wished she were with her to share the moment. She smiled when she realized she was—now and always. She imagined Jenny calling her name above the din of the restless sea, and she closed her eyes and let the memory of her voice fill her heart.
Paul Ryan put a forearm across Agent Jake Russo’s chest and slammed him up against his car. “What have you done with it?” he shouted amid the swirling dirt devils in the dusty open field.
Russo pulled the gun from his shoulder holster and pressed it to Paul’s ribs. “I suggest you calm down, Mr. Ryan.”
Paul eased off, and Russo slowly put the gun away. He straightened his tie and settled his jacket on his shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You people can’t do this. That warehouse is my property.”
“File a report with the police.”
Paul knew he wasn’t going to win. They had the contents of the storage unit. They no longer needed him to supply documents, but he needed them.
“What do you want for its return?” he asked, anxious to make a deal.
“I’m not sure you have anything that interests us, Mr. Ryan.”
“I need that money,” Paul said, not hiding the desperation in his voice. “You got what you wanted. I have responsibilities. I need that money back!”
“You seem rather desperate, Paul.”
“Take the rest. Just return the money. Please!”
Russo lit a cigarette, and Paul knew he was just giving the illusion of considering the plea. “If we already have what we want, as you say, why would we give you anything?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do!”
Russo almost spat out his cigarette in laughter. “Why, that’s mighty rich, coming from you, sir. Lordy—” He held his side, still laughing. “I think I hurt myself.”
“This isn’t a fucking—”
Paul’s second angry lunge was stopped by Russo’s hand on his gun.
“Now, now,” the agent said. “Tell me again what you have that is so valuable to us?”
“I’ve got information.”
Russo raised an interested brow. “A certain key to a certain code perhaps?”
“No. I haven’t got that.”
The agent shook his head dismissively and holstered his gun as he turned to leave. “We’re through here, Ryan. Don’t contact me again.”
Paul grabbed the stocky man’s jacket and didn’t let go, even when the gun was presented as a warning. “Damn it, Russo! Don’t you have a family? People you love?”
The agent looked at him with cold, dark eyes and a sinister smile. “No.” He looked at Paul’s fist, buried in his lapel. “You’re wrinkling my jacket.”
Paul backed down. “I can tell you things.”
“What kind of things?”
“About the experiments.”
Russo laughed doubtfully. “You’re a newspaperman, Ryan. What the hell would you know about experiments?”
“He was my brother, moron. We weren’t always estranged. Besides, I know about the experiments. Don’t you think that means something?”
The agent took a moment to deliberate.
Paul thought he would help the man along. “You give me the money back, I give you the information. It’s simple, ape.”
The word ape was barely out of Paul’s mouth before Agent Russo’s fist was buried into his stomach. The punch brought him to his knees and stole his breath.
Russo hiked up his pants at the thigh and squatted beside him as he wheezed to catch his breath. “How many people have died because of you? How many lives destroyed? You wouldn’t give us this information when we asked nicely, but now you’ll give it up for money?” He rose to his full height and dropped his cigarette at Paul’s knees. “You’re pathetic.”
Russo got into his car and leaned out the window. “You’ll be hearing from us.” He started the engine and peeled away.
Paul held up a hand to protect his face from the flying dirt and debris and slumped onto his heels, as his tie flapped and twisted in the swirling wind like a broken bird with no one to put it out of its misery.
Jenny couldn’t control her tears as she boarded a crowded southbound train heading to the Jersey shore. She’d just met with Dominic, who had given her the news she was hoping for: Kathryn was not on the plane. She was safe and sound and taking some much needed time off at a private location only he was privy to. He had heard of her frantic call for information and tracked her down to tell her the news. He met her at a busy local diner, knowing his place was bugged, and after some initial grilling about her intentions, gave her Kathryn’s location.
After crying in relief for an hour of the ride, Jenny gathered her emotions and focused on what she would say to set things right. Kathryn loved her, of that she was sure, and because of that, Kathryn would accept her apology and forgive her. She hoped. Love would make that possible. Love makes anything possible. Kathryn would understand the shock of the situation and welcome her back into her arms. They would start over, and this time they’d get it right. Forrester was dead—nothing stood in their way now.
A middle-aged man wearing work overalls and carrying his hat in his hands approached her as she exited the mainland train station.
“Miss Ryan?”
“Yes.”
“Mr. Vignelli has asked that I see you safely to your destination.” He thumbed over his shoulder at a well-kept, but well-used, green Chevrolet pickup truck with the name of a seafood company on its door.
Thanks to her OSS training, Jenny’s first instinct was suspicion, but Dominic told her not to worry about transportation to and from the island, so Jenny dutifully followed the man to his truck.
“No suitcase, ma’am?”
Jenny shook her head. “Traveling light.” She hadn’t even thought of packing anything. She went right from the meeting with Dominic to the ticket window at Penn Station.
As they drove past guardsmen posted along the causeway to the island, Jenny was reminded that the war wasn’t far away. German U-boats stalked the shoreline looking for prey, and she didn’t even want to think about where Kathryn might be sent, now that her assignment to Forrester was over.
The warm smell of salty sea air mixed with the tang of decaying marshland welcomed her onto a sparsely populated strip of sand inhabited by thickets of bayberry bushes, holly trees, and willowy cattails. As they headed south down the ribbon of road stretching the length of the island, simple shiplap cottages mingled with sprawling summer resorts. The resorts looked relatively empty for what was supposed to be high season.
“Where is everyone?” Jenny asked.
“The gas rationing is killing us here. We don’t have the public transportation of the larger seaside destinations, so people aren’t making the trip down here. I know it’s hard on the community financially, but I can’t say I miss the crowds.”
Jenny nodded, and they rode the rest of the way in silence. To her surprise, she was dropped off at a dock on the tip of the island, where a boat was waiting to take her across the inlet to another island that looked like nothing more than an endless strip of dunes.
After the boatman ferried her over, he dropped her off at the jutting bulkhead on the bayside beach, where a small boat was moored. He asked if she wanted him to wait, but Jenny glanced at the overgrown path leading to the small wooden cottage at the top of the sea grass laden dunes and said no.
She was determined to revive at least her friendship before she left the island, and no matter the welcome she got, time was all she would need to set things right.
The boatman shoved off, and Jenny took off her shoes, ready to slog through the sand. She looped her shoulder bag across her body and made her way to the cottage, with her stomach in her throat and her heart on her sleeve. The anticipation of interacting with Kathryn for the first time since their breakup was wreaking havoc on her nerves. Silly, she thought. They had been lovers and had shared the most intimate moments—that had to count for something. She ignored the fact that she was the one who had thrown all that away and focused instead on her belief that Kathryn was a reasonable woman. The notion calmed her, but it was quickly shattered by the memories of times when Kathryn had not been reasonable and her temper had gone off like a percussion cap on the end of a fuse.
With every step toward her destination, Jenny’s confidence sank like her bare feet in the shifting sand of the pathway. She feared that the shock of the plane crash had tainted her logic and that her first reaction to the news of Kathryn’s assignment had been the right one—it was just another job, expertly carried out by a professional.
It had been a month since their breakup. If Kathryn was as smitten as she claimed, why hadn’t she attempted to contact her and set things right? Jenny stopped in her tracks and shook her head clear of such thoughts. She could drive herself crazy with second guesses, so she tried to keep an open mind and hoped Kathryn would do the same.
She knocked on the door but got no answer. She hesitantly tried the handle and found it unlocked. She thought about entering but settled for a peek through the wavy, handblown window glass. It was a small, one-room cottage. Kathryn’s suitcase was still packed and on the bed, and a bag of groceries and a box of supplies sat on the rustic kitchen table. A small wood burning stove to cook and heat was surrounded by cedar paneled walls adorned with odd nautical treasures, most of which looked like they had been rescued from the beach.
A pair of binoculars lay on the outer window ledge, and Jenny leaned on the deck railing and used them to scan the beach as far as she could see in both directions. In the distance, she could see a figure sitting at the edge of the shore. No doubt, it was Kathryn. Her dark hair stood out against the stark white of her shirt and the never-ending expanse of billowy sand. The cottage and bulkhead were the only structures in sight. The rest of the beach was deserted.
As Jenny trekked down the ocean side of the dunes, she wondered if Kathryn knew anything about the plane crash in advance. After being Forrester’s constant companion for the past few weeks, it seemed like an odd coincidence that she would leave his side at the most opportune moment, as it turned out, and disappear.
Perhaps it was an OSS plot. She wouldn’t put it past them. Not that she mourned the loss of a man like Forrester and his ilk, but she was constantly amazed at the depths they would go to achieve their objectives.
All is fair in love and war. She would get to test that theory sooner rather than later, as she came within shouting distance of her estranged friend.
Kathryn sat just out of reach of the water line, her arms crossed atop her bent knees, and her chin resting on her forearms. Her eyes were closed, and she wore a peaceful grin. Jenny had called out twice, not wanting to startle her, but her voice was lost in the constant roar of the incoming surf.
She knelt beside her and slowly put her hand on her shoulder.
“Kat?”
Kathryn opened her eyes with a start. “Jenny!”
She hopped to her feet and quickly scanned the beach over Jenny’s shoulder. “How did you—”
When Kathryn didn’t finish her sentence, Jenny knew she saw the boatman in the distance and knew Dominic must have had something to do with it. According to the boatman, no one was ferried over without his permission.
Kathryn recovered from her initial surprise and revised her question.
“What are you doing here?” she asked coolly.
“I had to see you.”
Jenny had traveled hours for this moment, and the sight of Kathryn, alive and well, windblown with a touch of sunburn and more beautiful than ever, was quickly reducing her to tears again. She fought them back as best she could for the moment, but she couldn’t stop herself from hugging Kathryn in relief.
Kathryn didn’t shy away from the physical greeting, but she didn’t reciprocate either.
“I thought I’d lost you,” Jenny finally cried into Kathryn’s shoulder.
Kathryn gently eased her away and held her at arm’s length. “Okay, I’m a little confused here.”
Jenny pulled the latest newspaper from her bag and unfolded the front page. “Forrester’s dead.”
Kathryn’s eyes widened at the headline, and she stared in stunned disbelief as the news sank in.
Jenny could see that it came as a shock. Kathryn slowly came out of it and took the paper from her hands.
“There was a woman onboard. I was afraid it was you. I was frantic. I realized how much I love you, and I—”
Kathryn folded up the paper and brushed past as if she hadn’t heard a word she’d said.
“Hey!”
Kathryn kept walking as if she had no intention of slowing down.
Kathryn could hardly conceive that Forrester was dead, let alone conceive that Jenny was standing before her, professing her love.
She had let her guard down. This was the last place on earth she expected to see Jenny, and her appearance twisted her fragile resolve. She had prepared for a life without her. She had not prepared to let her back in.
“I’ve got to go to the mainland to call in,” she shouted over her shoulder. “Stay or come, it’s up to you.”
“I’m not leaving here until we talk, Kathryn,” Jenny called back.
Kathryn had a feeling that was coming. Jenny was a constant in that way.
“Suit yourself.”
She took longer strides toward the cottage, and Jenny followed three steps behind, struggling in the soft sand. Once at the cottage, Kathryn gathered her jacket and shoes and headed for the door. Jenny grabbed her arm as she brushed past.
“You are coming back, right?”
Kathryn turned, holding on to indignation as a shield while she escaped. “Look, if you don’t trust me to do as I say—” She stopped and softened her demeanor when she saw the desperation in Jenny’s eyes. Clearly, she had something she needed to say, and Kathryn knew she did as well, but, as usual, she was running, and Jenny was forcing the issue.
She donned her jacket and fastened the two bottom buttons while she checked her temper and emotional maelstrom.
“I should be back within the hour. If I’m not back in two, I’ve been ordered back to the city.”
She reached into an old ceramic bowl on the table next to the door and handed Jenny a box of matches.
“If that happens, light the lantern in the kitchen window. That’ll signal the boatman. When he responds with three flashes from the shore, extinguish the lamp. He’ll be here soon to ferry you back over. If you’re too tired to make your way home, please stay the night.”
She pulled a small green flag from the table drawer and instructed Jenny to raise it on the pole outside in the morning to signal the boatman in the daylight, then she left without further discussion.
As Jenny watched Kathryn trudge down the path to the bulkhead, she realized reconciliation was going to be harder than she thought. She was sure Kathryn loved her now, though. She would have been indifferent toward her, not angry, if she didn’t. At least that was a start.
Kathryn sat on the dock of the lighthouse across from Dominic’s island and stared at the desolate strip of shoreline. Her mind was as turbulent as the inlet that separated her from Jenny. Her call to headquarters did nothing to restore her equilibrium. It was as cryptic and shocking as the rest of her day.
“Don’t tell me where you are,” Colonel Forsythe had said.
“What’s going on?”
“Just lay low for a while. Check in daily until we have all this straightened out.”
The mistrust and uncertainty in his tone made her nervous. Thankfully, none of it was directed at her. She had her own theories as to who could have arranged the plane crash, and her current assignment was at the top of the list.
“Listen, I think Bouchaule is behind this.”
“Bouchaule was on the plane. He’s dead.”
Kathryn held the phone in dumb silence.
“Just lay low. Check in tomorrow.”
She didn’t remember saying goodbye, only the dial tone in her ear and the intermittent “Don’t forget to buy war bonds” message on an endless loop.
She hung up the receiver and then sat on the dock, trying to make sense of the past few hours. Bouchaule was dead. Forrester was dead. The words almost had no meaning. Away from the city and away from that life, they were so out of context. Also out of context was Jenny. Jenny who loved her. What once would have mattered now just made everything harder.
Dusk was falling quickly, and she had to leave soon or risk getting lost in the darkness. She knew how to operate a boat, but she was no navigator, not in the swift twisting currents of the inlet. She looked at her watch and thought about letting the two-hour time frame expire. It was easier than facing Jenny, easier than breaking her heart.
Jenny made a fire between the dunes on the bayside of the island, where the bulkhead was located, and sat anxiously, waiting for Kathryn’s return. Night had fallen, and she should have been back by now—if she was coming back. Jenny stubbornly refused to believe she wasn’t right about Kathryn’s feelings toward her, but as time ticked by, she feared she would spend the night alone and the rest of her days trying to convince Kathryn that they belong together.
She got up and walked to the water’s edge to peer into the darkness of the inlet once again and cursed the blackout restrictions, which rendered the majestic lighthouse dormant for the duration of the war and gave her no hope of sighting Kathryn in the dark void. Her senses heightened when the clouds parted briefly and the full moon glistened off the churning water like tiny diamonds thrown across a piece of rumpled black velvet. She quickly scanned the sea, but it offered nothing but its cool, salty breath in her face. Kathryn was out there somewhere, and Jenny sent out a silent prayer that she’d come back to her—to give her a chance to make things right again.
Kathryn sat a few yards away in the shadow of a dune and watched Jenny pace at the shoreline, just as she had done for the last hour.
It may have been cruel to make her wait, but Kathryn needed to be sure she was strong enough to do what she needed to do. Jenny was a romantic, not a realist, and as much as she longed to pick up where they left off, something integral had been broken, and wishes and stars wouldn’t be enough to make them whole again.
Kathryn felt confident in her resolve and allowed a few moments of selfish reflection. How beautiful Jenny looked bathed in the firelight. How brave she was to come so far and bare her soul, not knowing how she would be received. Kathryn smiled. No wonder she had fallen for her. No wonder she had left her with so much.
Kathryn shed a tear for what was, for what could have been, and quickly put the emotions away, as Jenny returned to the fire.
She was getting increasingly restless, muttering to herself and shaking her head. When she sat down and started to cry, Kathryn decided they’d both waited long enough. She approached from the shore, not wanting to sneak up from behind, and stood motionless on the other side of the fire until Jenny looked up.
“Shit!” Jenny spat in surprise, as she jumped up and quickly wiped the tears from her face. “I’ve been worried about you.”
Kathryn came around the fire and stood beside her. “Sorry.”
They both stood in awkward silence for a moment and then sat down in unison.
Kathryn picked up a stick and poked at the burning driftwood. “Thanks for the fire. It made finding the beach easier.”
In truth, she probably would have been carried into the open sea by the current without it. She had waited a little too long to make use of the available light of the fading day and had no landmark in which to orient the bow of her small skiff.
Jenny didn’t vocally reply to her gratitude, so Kathryn turned her head to find Jenny staring intently at her, on the verge of stating her case.
“I wanted to make sure you’d find your way home.”
The double entendre was not lost on Kathryn, who looked away and stared into the flames. “Seems you were sure I’d come back.”
“You love me, Kathryn. You’re not going to run from that, and if you try, I’m not going to let you.”
Kathryn resisted the urge to smile. Jenny hadn’t lost any of her tenacity.
A long silence ensued, broken only by the impatient waves lapping at the sand and the popping of the fire.
“Everything okay ashore?”
“Mm. I’m to stay put for the time being.”
Jenny nodded, followed by more silence. Kathryn knew that wouldn’t last long, and right on cue—
“I know you love me, Kathryn. Don’t you dare deny it.”
“I won’t.” Jenny deserved to take that with her at least.
Jenny blinked in pleasant surprise, and Kathryn saw her insecurity for the first time. Jenny had been counting on wishes and stars, and her devotion had brought her the truth. Little did she know it wouldn’t matter.
Jenny beamed, unaware, and shifted closer.
“It’s going to be okay then.”
Kathryn shook her head and exhaled. “Jenny …”
“You love me, Kathryn, and I love you.”
Kathryn held her tongue and studied her feet before focusing her attention on the rolling froth of the incoming waves.
Jenny moved even closer. “I love you.”
“That’s not enough,” Kathryn whispered to the sea. “Love’s not enough,” she said louder, turning to find determined green eyes. “Not in the world we live in.”
“Of course it is. It’s everything.”
“It wasn’t everything last month when you didn’t want to see me again.”
Jenny backed off her aggressive stance. “It was childish of me.”
“No, it was a perfectly normal reaction to a devastating revelation.”
“I didn’t mean it, Kat. I’m here. I just needed time. It was a shock.”
“I’m not reprimanding you. Anyone would have done the same, and most wouldn’t have come back, which is my point. The only reason you’re here is because of the plane crash. Who’s to say what would have happened otherwise?” She knew they wouldn’t be sitting on a beach having a conversation about it.
“I wanted to call,” Jenny said quietly.
“But you didn’t.”
“I just … I didn’t know what to say.”
“Love doesn’t change the fact that we have the same problem we had before. You don’t trust me.”
“Kat—”
“It’s true, Jenny,” she snapped, not willing to listen to false protests to the contrary. “Saying you love me won’t erase the doubt in your mind. It will always be there. You’ll always wonder what I know. Wonder what I’m keeping from you. Every day, you’ll have to deal with that.” She paused. “And so will I.”
Jenny was silent for a change, and Kathryn was thankful that at least she wasn’t lying to herself.
“No matter how much I love you, you know I can’t tell you anything about what I’ve learned about your family. Can you live with that? Can you love me with that?”
“In my heart I can.”
“And in your head?”
Jenny was silent again for a moment, but the need to know shone in her eyes.
“Do you know something?”
Kathryn raised her hand in disbelief and then looked away, disappointed. Of course she wouldn’t be able to let it go. It was her family. Jenny would be relentless in her quest for information.
“Not that I want—think you can tell me,” Jenny quickly clarified. “Just so I know how I would feel about it. It’s the not knowing. I don’t know where to put that.”
That was understandable, Kathryn reasoned, but it didn’t change what she could and couldn’t tell her.
“Your father wasn’t my assignment.”
“I was.”
“Yes.”
“To find out if I knew what he was doing, or where to find it if I didn’t.”
“Yes.”
“I gave you Dr. Stevens, and then your assignment was over.”
“Yes.”
She watched Jenny process it all, and could see the moment when the truth erased all her doubts.
“You stuck around.”
Their myopic dome of firelight gave Kathryn the courage to speak her heart. “I couldn’t let you go.”
“Then why can’t we—”
“Because you’ve lost your faith in me, Jenny,” Kathryn snapped. She pinned her with the ugly truth for a beat and then turned once more to the black sea, saddened. “And I’ve lost my faith in us.”
Jenny grabbed her arm. “Don’t say that, Kathryn.”
“It’s true. I thought it could work. I told you how it would be … warned you. You said you could handle it, that you would stick by me.”
“That’s not fair. You knew what was going on. I had no idea—couldn’t even conceive that it would be so personal. Imagine the shock of learning something that would change your entire life, shatter everything you are, everything you thought you were. Have you any idea what that’s like?”
Kathryn turned in disbelief. How could Jenny not remember how her father’s lie had shattered her childhood?
Jenny realized her mistake and released her arm. “Sorry. Of course you do.”
Kathryn exhaled and rubbed her forehead. It all seemed so hopeless.
“I’m here now. Doesn’t that count for something?”
It should have, but Kathryn had to be strong.
“I’m not saying I don’t understand why you turned away, or that I blame you. I was a fool. I knew better. I—” She wrung her hands and forced out the truth. “I just wanted you so damn much.”
“You’re saying we don’t have a chance.”
Kathryn didn’t protest. Instead, she stared blindly into the fire. Jenny must have felt her slipping away, because she ran a hand up her arm until she settled it on her bicep.
“Please don’t give up on me.”
Kathryn closed her eyes to hide her impending tears.
Jenny grabbed her arm with both hands. “Please.”
Kathryn finally turned to face her, eyes filled with emotion, as the moment of truth came closer. “I’ll never give up on you, Jenny.” She would be with her always, and would only want the best for her.
Jenny melted with relief. “Thank you.”
There was no thanks needed, but Kathryn took it anyway. Before they parted, Jenny deserved to know what was in her heart, deserved a confession straight from her soul.
“I am so hopelessly in love with you,” Kathryn admitted past a tight throat. Her voice had no measure of control and sounded as if it was coming directly from the pit of her stomach.
Evidently, that was enough for Jenny. She slid closer. “Kat—”
“Please let me finish,” Kathryn interrupted, her voice now steady. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I would rather let you go right now than let you break my heart.”
Jenny frowned in confusion.
“I could do that,” Kathryn went on. “Let you go.” She pinned her with a serious stare before looking away in shame. “I know that’s selfish.”
“I don’t understand.”
Kathryn knew it was hard, but Jenny had to see it would be for the best. “I’ve been sitting here all day, missing you, longing for you, loving you … remembering you, because I was sure I wouldn’t see you again, and you know what I discovered?”
“That you can’t live without me?” Jenny said with a grin, obviously trying to use humor to derail the uneasy feeling in her gut.
“I found I could do that,” Kathryn continued. “Live with the love you’ve given me, even if I couldn’t have you.”
The crease in Jenny’s brow deepened.
“If you come back to me, Jenny, I’m lost. I will fall into you and drown forever, and I want to. God help me, I love you. I need you. If I surrender to that and you leave me again—” She looked away, trying to hide how unbearable the thought was. “I don’t think I can go through that.” She paused for a moment as her voice broke and stared at the constantly churning sea, a parallel to her emotions. “The longer I live with you, the more I don’t want to be without you.”
Jenny squeezed her arm. “You don’t have to be without me. That’s why I’m here—to set things right.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why?”
Kathryn was silent before reluctantly admitting her weakness. “I’m afraid.”
“It’s not like you to be afraid.”
“Then you don’t know anything about me,” Kathryn said, as she felt herself wanting to give in. “But you proved that when you turned your back on me.”
Jenny was stunned for a moment, but then was encouraged by the outburst. “Okay, let’s have it.”
Kathryn turned in fury, using the hurt and anger she’d channeled for the past month as her last defense against surrendering her heart.
“How could you not know that I loved you? I understand the shock of finding out about your family and my assignment, but after I poured my heart out to you in that letter, how could you walk away from us as if what we had meant nothing? That my feelings mean nothing? Why am I afraid? Because I don’t trust you with my heart.”
Jenny had nothing to say, which Kathryn had expected. How could anyone say they would never hurt the other? They couldn’t, and Kathryn wasn’t prepared to open herself to the possibility. She just couldn’t.
“Thank you for worrying about me and coming all this way to find me, but I can’t give you what you want.”
Kathryn stood up before one more declaration of love from Jenny changed her mind.
“Put out that fire,” she threw over her shoulder as she walked away. “It’s against blackout regulations.”
Jenny let her go and eyed her path to the cottage until the fire’s light no longer illuminated Kathryn’s tall figure. The soft glow of a candle soon filtered through the cottage windows before the dark shades were drawn, and Jenny gave Kathryn some time alone before attempting to save her from herself.
She turned back to the flames and shook her head. They were on the bayside of the island, hidden from the open sea, so the fire had nothing to do with German U-boats using the light as an illuminated backdrop for their torpedo attacks. Jenny put it out anyway, determined not to let it represent the dousing of their relationship, as Kathryn had.
She knew Kathryn loved her, but she had no idea of the depth of her devotion. She took a long, hard look at her own feelings, and she knew what she had to do.
As she traversed the deck outside the cottage, she heard a wooden chair scoot across the floor inside. When she entered, Kathryn was putting away groceries from a bag set on the chair. Kathryn made a cursory acknowledgment of her presence as she finished what she was doing and then went to the kitchen sink, where she immediately started rattling off instructions.
“I think you should stay on the mainland tonight,” she began, reaching for the lantern in the kitchen window. “There’s an inn up the main road a mile or so … you probably saw it on the way in. The boatman will drive you there. Nice place, you can—”
Jenny quickly moved in and stilled the hand about to light the match that would signal the boatman. Kathryn immediately tensed as Jenny pulled her away from the sink and took her other hand.
Kathryn tried to back away. “Please don’t do this, Jenny.”
Jenny held fast to her hands but left the distance between them. “I never read your letter.”
Kathryn looked up in surprise.
“I burned it. I never read it.”
Kathryn froze for a moment, but then relaxed and exhaled a chuckle. “How fitting.”
Jenny moved closer. “I had no idea, Kat.”
Kathryn freed her hands and slipped by, heading for the box of supplies. “That’s not your fault. It’s mine. You shouldn’t have needed a letter. I just don’t know how to have a relationship.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I have my silly songs and awkward attempts at romance, but obviously there’s more to—”
“Stop.” Jenny moved between Kathryn and the table and took her hands again. She waited until her agitation subsided.
“I knew you loved me. I tried to deny it because … well, because I’m an idiot and I couldn’t believe someone as incredible as you—”
Kathryn shook her head in protest and tried to pull away, but Jenny pulled her back and forced her to listen.
“Someone as incredible as you could possibly have fallen for me.”
Kathryn wanted to give in to everything Jenny’s love promised, but that would mean falling, and falling hard. The war loomed over them like the sword of Damocles, and she could feel their eventual breakup like a cleaver to her chest. She’d worked so hard to let Jenny go, but seeing her again erased any progress she’d made. She closed her eyes and tried to shut out their doomed future—and their broken hearts.
Jenny squeezed her hands. “Look at me.”
Kathryn couldn’t help but obey.
“You’re beautiful, and smart, and there is nothing silly or awkward about you or your love. No one has ever loved me the way you do. No one. Forrester is dead now, and the rest we will deal with, just like we always have.”
“Forrester was never our problem.”
“No, I walked away from us. That was our problem. Well, that’s not going to happen again. If you need a commitment from me, then I’m yours, and I promise you, I will never doubt your love again.”
It would be so easy, Kathryn thought. One step, and into the abyss. She closed her eyes again, struggling against her fear. She couldn’t shake the feeling it would be a mistake.
“Please, Kat,” Jenny whispered, as she held tightly to her suddenly trembling hands. “Give us a chance.” She brought her hands to her lips in prayer and kissed them. “Please. I won’t let you down.”
Kathryn opened her tear-filled eyes and cupped Jenny’s face. It was all right there at her fingertips. In the short time since she’d left the beach, she’d already felt the pangs of regret eating away at her for turning her back on the opportunity to try again. Jenny was under her skin, a part of her soul. Living without her was a half-life at best. She looked into the face of love and couldn’t fight it any longer. She let her protective skin drift into the void of the unknown future and let the strength of Jenny’s faith in them ground her. She wanted to say please don’t hurt me, but in the end, she could only ask, “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
She pulled Jenny in and held her tightly, like she was a buoy in the churning inlet outside. “Please be sure,” she pleaded softly into cascading blonde hair, not caring whether she was heard.
“I’m sure, honey,” Jenny whispered. “I promise.”
Stepping back after Kathryn released her, Jenny was met with worried eyes that brimmed with tears. She took her hands again. “I love you. I know you’re afraid of what’s to come. I am too, but not of this. Not of us.”
Kathryn bowed her head. “I didn’t used to be afraid of anything. Then I met you and, suddenly, I was afraid of everything. Of hurting you, of losing you, of leaving you.” She exhaled ruefully.
Jenny was unsure of what Kathryn was saying. “When you put it that way, it sounds like I ruined your life.”
Kathryn kissed her hand. “No. You’ve made my life worth living. You’ve brought me joy and hope. Things I thought I’d never feel again. But while those feelings are wonderful, they come with a price.”
Her words made Jenny wary, but Kathryn reached out and caressed her face, reassuring her.
“I love you so much, it frightens me. I’m … out of control. My thoughts, my emotions, my body … God, when you’re near me, I long to touch you, to feel you touching me, loving me. Being apart from you was like cutting out the best part of myself and leaving it behind. I don’t ever want to do that again. I don’t think I can.”
The depth of Kathryn’s love brought her to the verge of tears, and Jenny moved closer. “Oh, Kat.”
Kathryn kissed her. It wasn’t passionate. It was gentle, and kind … a woman coming home. Jenny welcomed her gladly, and soon the room was filled with their soft moans as the kiss deepened.
Breathless, Kathryn pulled back and pressed her forehead to Jenny’s, as if she were having second thoughts. Before Jenny could say a word, Kathryn led her by the hand to the bed, where she slowly shed her clothes and stood naked before her.
Symbolism noted, Jenny removed her own clothes while Kathryn watched intently, as if she’d never seen her naked before.
No words were spoken. They didn’t need them. Jenny sat on the bed and held out her hand. Kathryn settled beside her and lightly traced her skin with her fingertips, starting at her collar bone, and down to her breasts, until she cradled one in her hand and took it into her mouth. Jenny felt her body surrender to a familiar longing, and Kathryn pulled them onto the mattress, where they lay side-by-side, staring at each other.
Behind the dark desire in Kathryn’s eyes, Jenny discovered a vulnerability she’d never seen before. The caresses and kisses stopped, as if Kathryn had forgotten how to make love to her. She was on the verge of tears again. There was love in her eyes, but not trust. Not yet.
Jenny slid closer, slipping her thigh between Kathryn’s legs, until there was no space between them and they were wrapped in each other’s arms. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asked quietly, although she wasn’t sure anything she could say would restore Kathryn’s faith in her.
“No,” came Kathryn’s whispered reply, as she tangled her fingers in her hair. “I’m yours now.” An apologetic smile followed, as if to say poor you, and Jenny was ready to prove she never wanted her more.
“You’ve always been mine. I’m going to make you see that.”
She gently eased Kathryn onto her back with a hand to her chest and looked deeply into her eyes as she traced a delicate path around her breasts and teased hardening nipples to gasps of approval. She leaned in and kissed her slowly, until Kathryn’s body writhed beneath her. She slid her hand to Kathryn’s lower abdomen and stopped. Insistent moans filled the air through their kiss, and she knew Kathryn longed for her touch, but she waited instead of slipping her hand between her legs. Kathryn opened her thighs in anticipation, and Jenny knew she’d find her hot, wet, and ready for her. The heady scent of her arousal made her wet too. She broke their kiss and caught her breath. “I’m going to show you that you’re mine.”
Kathryn invited her in with breathy desperation. “Yes. Show me. Fucking own me.”
Jenny had only heard Kathryn use her favorite curse word once before, and to hear it now, in this context, caused a rush of hot adrenaline to all her sensitive parts. She wanted to take Kathryn, rough and hard. Mark her body with reminders of her love, and, yes, her ownership.
She stared into Kathryn’s eyes, her own breathing betraying the spike in her desire and determination. Raw energy crackled between them, fueled by lust, promise, and something Jenny couldn’t place. Something heavy and serious. Kathryn arched into her hand, begging her to take her.
“Please. I need you to touch me.”
Jenny didn’t move.
“Please, Jenny.”
This wasn’t the usual playful, but desperate, pleading of old. This was lifesaving, life affirming pleading from someone teetering on the edge of a cataclysmic shift. She no longer wanted to take her roughly. This moment was everything, and she would make sure her love was seared into Kathryn’s soul forever.
Kathryn threw her head back into the pillow and stifled a groan as she ground against the hand on her abdomen. “God, Jenny … please, please, please.” Save me, she wanted to scream. Now was not the time for teasing. She needed Jenny to possess her. It had nothing to do with sex. She didn’t know how to verbally explain what she needed or how important this was. All she could do was beg and hope Jenny would understand her.
Jenny kissed her softly, not roughly like she expected, and when she finally slid her fingers through her wetness, she gasped into Jenny’s open mouth. “Yes. God, yes.”
Instead of plunging inside, Jenny lightly circled her entrance. “You’re mine.”
“Yes. Please. Take me.”
Kathryn raised her knees, opening herself fully, and Jenny pressed into her with a two-fingered thrust that was slow and deep. Kathryn’s voiceless exhale turned into a low, pleasurable growl by the time she readied herself for the next thrust. But it didn’t come. Jenny didn’t move.
“You’re mine.”
It was a demand, and Kathryn had never heard such a possessive tone from Jenny before. She looked into her eyes.
“Yes.”
Jenny slowly slipped deeper, her knuckles pressing against her swollen center.
She gasped and grabbed Jenny’s shoulder, panting through the mind-numbing sensation.
“Mine.”
She swore there was malevolence in Jenny’s eyes—a hunter, and she was the very willing prey. “Yes!”
She waited for her to move, to release her from the sudden bloom of ecstasy, but Jenny held fast, as a steady wave of pleasure kept swelling. She panted out unintelligible cries as she tightened her grip on Jenny’s shoulder and fisted her other hand in the sheets. The surge of pressure built until she thought she might explode.
“Mine.”
“Yes, yes! A thousand times, yes! Fuck!”
Jenny eased back, and before Kathryn could even take a breath, she entered her again, pressing deeply and staying there while she moaned her approval. When Jenny curled her fingers up against that hallowed spot that drove her wild, her drawn out cry turned into a panting whine as her body arched in rigid pleasure.
Jenny was relentless and bore down. “Mine.”
“God!” The sustained pressure was driving her mad. She needed relief, release, anything! “Fuck me. I need you to fuck me!”
The pressure remained.
“Please. Jenny. I need—”
“You’re mine.”
“Y-yes! Fuck—”
Jenny fucked her slowly at first and then increased her pace. She didn’t know whether Jenny’s voice was in her head or in her ears when she heard mine … mine … mine … with every rhythmic thrust, but she didn’t want her to stop.
“Yes … yes … yes …” She was reaching her peak, about to tumble over, when she began breaking apart. Her insistent yes turned into a desperate “I need you, I need you, I need you.” She couldn’t stop saying it, breathing it, living it, and then she was coming, and crying, and Jenny’s arms were around her, comforting her. But she couldn’t stop saying it. And then she was clinging and sobbing. “I need you, I need you.”
“You have me. Shh … you have me. I’ve got you.”
She held on as the waves of her orgasm and her emotional breakdown rolled over her. She was surrounded by love and at home in the safest place in the world—Jenny’s arms.
The frantic beating of Kathryn’s heart under her ear had slowed to a calmer rhythm as Jenny rested her head on her chest. Kathryn’s arms were around her, and she lazily combed her fingers through her hair as their breathing returned to normal.
Jenny took her hand and kissed it. “That was intense. Are you okay?”
“More than okay. I’ve never experienced anything like that. It was … fuck,” Kathryn said on an exhale.
Jenny huffed out a laugh. “I love hearing that word coming out of your gorgeous mouth.”
“Sometimes, no other word will do.”
Jenny rolled onto her side and draped a thigh over Kathryn’s midriff. “I’m so proud of you right now. I’ll have you swearing up a storm in no time.”
Kathryn laughed and kissed her on the forehead. “Seems I am yours after all.”
Jenny smiled but then became serious. “Are you?”
The answer came without hesitation. “For the first time in a long time, I’m free. Free to give myself to you, and only you. So, yes. I’m yours.”
Jenny kissed her hand again. “You’re going to make me cry, because I love the sentiment, but I’m not sure you can promise me that. We’ve still got a war to win.”
Kathryn propped herself up on her elbow. “I’m not doing that anymore for them. I don’t have to surrender my body to get what I want. It’s lazy, and it’s self-destructive. I’m not doing it again.”
Jenny frowned. “Because of me? Because of us?”
“Because I’m better than that.”
A slow grin formed on Jenny’s lips. “God, I love you. I have ruined you, and I’m not sorry.”
Kathryn gathered her in her arms and pulled her on top of her. “I love you too. You’ve saved me in every way.”