When Cameron got to the clinic in the morning, he had a patient waiting. Mel had arrived early, opened up the office, and checked in a young mother and her eighteen-month-old son who suffered with an obvious ear infection. He had a fever, was batting his ears and crying. Mel could have handled it, but knowing Cameron was due, she waited for the pediatrician.
In no time, he had sent them on their way with Tylenol, antibiotic and decongestant. Then he found Mel in the kitchen. “I usually beat you here,” he said.
“Aw, Jack left this morning for San Diego. He’s gone to pick up Rick. And he’s not handling the situation all that well. He didn’t sleep much, was up by four, anxious to get on the road, troubled about the whole ordeal. There was such a ruckus around the house, the kids woke up too early and they’re all cranky, so I left them having morning naps at their aunt Brie’s. We’re all out of sorts.” She took a breath. “Jack’s so worried about Rick. And sometimes when Jack gets worried, he acts out.” She shook her head. “He has so much love in his heart. He just wants his people—the people he loves—to be all right.”
“God,” Cameron said. “You have no idea how nice that sounded.”
“It did?”
“You can’t imagine what it would mean to me if the right woman said that about me.”
She lifted her coffee mug to her lips, taking a sip. “Well, maybe she has, Cam. If she hasn’t, she just doesn’t know you well enough. You and Abby doing okay?”
He smiled. “I haven’t been banished to the loft yet.”
“Good for you, Cameron,” she said. “That’s something.”
“I probably should be. I also haven’t talked to her about it yet.”
“Well, why not?”
“Because I’m afraid when I tell her the truth about how I feel about her, she’s going to run for her life, that’s why not.” The wall phone in the kitchen rang. “I got it,” Cameron said. He lifted the old-fashioned receiver. “Clinic,” he said.
“Cameron,” Abby said in a whisper. “There are deer in the yard!”
“Really?” he asked. “Why are you whispering? Can they hear you?”
“I don’t want to scare them off. Oh, I wish you were here. There’s a baby. And a couple of deer look ready to pop. Not as ready as I look, but wild animals probably don’t get this big.”
He laughed into the phone. “I told you, you’re perfect.”
“If you’d been home another half hour, you’d have seen them. Cameron, there are six of them.”
“Any bucks?”
“Just the mamas. And one baby.”
“That’s a fawn,” he said.
“It looks like it’s barely born. He’s wobbling on his legs. Oh, I wish you could see him.”
He turned the phone away from his mouth. “Mel? Can you spare me for a little while? Abby has deer in the yard.”
“Sure, there aren’t any appointments. I can call you if someone wanders in and needs you,” she said, smiling, cradling her coffee cup in two hands. “Go on.”
“I’ll come,” he told Abby. “I’ll park down the road and walk up. I might scare them off anyway if they smell a human. But I’ll give it a shot.”
He drove a little faster than necessary out to the cabin because he couldn’t wait to see the look on her face, all lit up and excited about the deer. He parked before he got to the clearing and crept up the long driveway as quietly as he could. By the time he got to the clearing, the deer had moved to the tree line. He gave them a wide berth by going around the far side of the cabin to the door. He had to tiptoe across the porch. One doe lifted her head; they could no doubt smell his human scent, but they didn’t bolt. That surprised him. There were too many hunters up this way for them to feel safe.
Abby held the door open for him. Her face was bright; she was all stirred up. So happy. “You saw them?”
“They’re half hidden in the trees, but I saw.”
“Mel said this was an enchanted cabin. I guess she’s right.” She went to the kitchen window, leaning across the sink the best she could to look out. She could feel him move up behind her and put his arms around her. His hands instinctively rested on her belly. The kids were still now. Of course. Their parents were awake.
He leaned forward and inhaled the scent of her hair, breathing deeply. She let her eyes drift closed.
“I have to tell you something,” he said. She started to turn around and he said, “No, just stay like this.” He gently massaged her belly. “There’s something I should have told you from the beginning, Abby. I didn’t mean to mislead you, but I was afraid if I was completely honest, you’d never agree to move into the same house with me.”
She closed her eyes tight. He’d been lying beside her in bed at night; she’d felt him draw her closer, fondle her in his sleep. She knew he didn’t realize what he was doing, but she was more than aware. That had never been part of their plan. He was going to tell her now that’s not how it was supposed to be between them. “Okay,” she said softly.
“At night, when I’m beside you, holding you…”
Oh, here it comes, she thought. Don’t cry, don’t cry. It’ll be worse if you cry.
“I’ve been a little carried away in my sleep,” he said. “I apologize. I didn’t intend to do that, but you have to know the truth. It’s not just when I’m asleep that I have that urge. That reaction.” He took a deep breath. “The truth is, I have that impulse all the time. I respond to you.” He took a breath. “Boy, do I.”
“Huh?”
“God, I hope this doesn’t make you angry or really offend you. But you should know—I get turned on by you all the time. All I have to do is see your eyes, smell your skin, touch you, even innocently. And I just about go out of my mind. My feelings haven’t changed one bit since that first night I met you. The second I touched you, it was like an explosion under my skin. I told you I wanted us to be friends, but the truth is, I’ve always wanted so much more than that. Abby, the truth is, I had ulterior motives. I thought if I got you under the same roof with me, I could get you to fall in love with me.”
She was quiet for a moment. Finally she said, “You’re just overwhelmed by the thought of parenthood. You said, even before we kissed, you wanted a family.”
“I do. I have for years. But I’ve met a lot of women who could have been mothers to my children, who would have volunteered for the job. And I’ve just never felt like this. When morning came in that Grants Pass hotel, I didn’t want to let you go. Ever. You just plain turn me on. Every bit of you—your laugh, your scent, your eyes, your hands, your soft hair…your mouth. When I look at your mouth, I almost lose my mind with lust.”
A small huff of laughter escaped her. “Are you crazy?”
“A little bit, yeah. I guess I thought that big belly with my babies inside would cool me down, but it didn’t. But you don’t have to worry. I’ll live with my feelings and not expect you to reciprocate them. And I will help you and keep you safe, just as I promised. I give you my word, Abby, I’ll never lose control.” He took his hands off her belly and grasped her upper arms, squeezing them. “I should probably go back to sleeping in the loft. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Or worried.”
“Oh?”
“Listen, I’m damn grateful that you’re willing to try to cohabit so we can get to know each other better, so we can be on the best of terms to be the best of parents. That means a lot. You probably didn’t realize it, but my hand has wandered while we slept and—”
“I realized it.”
“You did?”
She smiled to herself. “Can I turn around now?”
“Are you going to slug me?” he asked.
She laughed. “Do you think I should?”
“Maybe. Probably. I molested you in your sleep. Well, in my sleep.”
She slowly turned around and took in his vulnerable expression. “You don’t have to sleep in the loft.”
It took him a moment to absorb that. He swallowed, cleared his throat, gave his head a little shake. Then he focused on her eyes. “Listen, I know your emotions are all over the place—bad divorce, ugly legal problems, major pregnancy… Abby, I love you. I’m not just a guy under the same blanket with a girl. If it wasn’t you, this wouldn’t be happening. God, I hope that doesn’t scare you away.”
“Is that even possible?” she asked him. “Love?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t ask myself if it was possible. I couldn’t seem to help it. When you didn’t get in touch after we met in Grants Pass, when I couldn’t find you, I was miserable. I told you back then, I liked our chances. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone in my life I felt so much for, so quickly.”
“I can’t say it was that way for me, Cameron,” she said.
“I know. I guess I hoped that over time…”
“But I liked you,” she said. “You were very sweet to me.”
“That didn’t take any effort at all,” he said, giving her hair a soft stroke. “You were like heaven. I couldn’t believe I was that lucky.”
“I thought about you afterward. All the time.”
“You did?” he asked, surprised.
“But I was scared to death to find myself hooked up to another guy I thought was everything I wanted, only to find out I was just delusional. To let myself believe in you, count on you and have you run out on me?” She shook her head. “I wasn’t up to that. I thought it would be a lot safer if I never saw you again.”
“I understand, Abby. It doesn’t matter what place I have in your life—I’ll never run out on you. I’ll support you and the kids, I’ll be a good father, I’ll—”
“You were even kind and supportive after I called you a sperm donor….”
He chuckled. “You were in high temper that night. Remind me not to get into fights with you.”
“Cameron, when you asked me to move in with you, I thought it was all about the babies. That it had nothing to do with me.”
“Ohhh, it had everything to do with you.”
“The past couple of weeks…” she said. “I don’t know when I’ve been happier.”
“Really? If I could just elevate myself above sperm donor—”
“Why? They don’t get any better. Talk about packing a punch,” she laughed. “That night, I remember thinking, if I had a little more time, if my life weren’t so screwed up, I could fall in love with this guy.”
His breathing got a little heavier. “I have nothing but time,” he said, and his voice had grown raspy.
“Then we don’t really have a problem here, do we?” she said with a smile. “We could—”
She was cut off by his hands on her face, his lips on her lips, kissing her with a passion she hadn’t even dared hope for in so long. He groaned and moved over her lips with heat, urging her mouth open and kissing deeper, hotter. Long and wet and hungry. It was quite a while before he could even break from her lips a tiny bit.
“That’s what I remember,” she whispered, breathless.
And that fast he was on her lips again, devouring her, feeding her deep kisses and tasting the inside of her mouth. Her arms went around his neck, his went around to the small of her back and they were locked in a passionate kiss that didn’t end until he felt a strong kick against his belly. She laughed against his lips.
“I have a feeling that’s going to be an issue from now on,” he said. “More so after they’re born.”
“No question in my mind. I have to start on the parenting books right away.”
“Abby,” he said, running his fingers through her dark blond hair. “I’m a pediatrician. I can help with that.”
“Cameron, I love you, too. I want this to work for us. I can’t imagine being away from you ever again. You’ve made me so happy.”
He groaned. “God, why couldn’t you have told me that when you were less than thirty weeks….”
“I guess it’s too risky now,” she said in disappointment. “I’m sorry, Cameron. Although really, it baffles me that you can even think of sex when you look at me.”
“I think about touching every single curve of your body. I think about kissing and tasting every part of you. I think about things I’m not allowed to do until after you deliver and mend. I can’t stop thinking about all of that.”
“But you’re allowed to hold me, right?”
“I’m allowed to never let you go,” he said.
* * *
Their one night together had been filled with fire, explosive in its power. This lazy morning was not—it was sweet and gentle, as though Abby were fragile and precious. They started out embracing in the kitchen, then moved to the bedroom to lie down on the bed, clinging to each other, kissing. Then, inevitably, clothing was pushed out of the way then removed. Cameron was determined to keep his pants on, a safe barrier, but that idea crashed when her hands on his zipper slowly glided it down.
Cameron undressed her slowly, shed his own clothes quickly, then stretched out beside her, bringing her gently into his arms. Holding her, kissing her, caressing her, he made a study of her body with slow hands and soft lips. Just skin on skin, lips on lips, nothing but a breath separating them, brought such relief and contentment to both of them. “I’m going to have to go back to sleeping in the loft,” he whispered against her mouth.
“I would hate that,” she said. “You can’t imagine what it feels like, to finally have your hands on me again. It’s so wonderful.”
“We can’t do it. And we can’t even do this too much longer. We’ll just get carried away.”
“Mmm. Carry me away, Cam.”
“You shouldn’t fool around with orgasms. They could get you contracting.”
“Can I fool around with one?” she asked in a breathy whisper.
He chuckled low in his throat. “One long, slow, gentle one?” he asked. He slipped his fingers into her wet folds, stroking her, bringing a delicious moan from her. “Just lie back and relax, baby. Nothing wild. We’re going to have to save the wild part for later.”
“Oh God,” she whispered. “Oh, Cameron…” And then her hand was on him, tight and hot, stroking him aggressively, pulling on him.
“Uh, Abby, maybe you shouldn’t do that.”
“Or maybe I should,” she sighed.
“Honey, I can’t take that. It’s been too long, I’ve wanted you too much…. I’m going to explode all over you.”
Her eyes closed, lips parted slightly, she whispered, “Does it seem as though I don’t know what’s going to happen? To both of us?”
“God,” he groaned. He pampered her clitoris, slipping one finger just barely inside her, just enough so he could feel the spasms when she reached climax. It was only seconds before he felt exactly that. “Oh, honey,” he said, capturing her mouth in a deep, long kiss that hung on while she enjoyed every last bit of it. Imagining himself inside her, he came and came and came until a loud groan escaped him and his eyes rolled back in his head.
And then they lay there, their hands still intimately touching each other. He tried to imagine whether that could have felt better if he’d been buried deep inside her, but this intimacy with her brought such emotional and physical satisfaction, he couldn’t imagine anything better. He gently kissed her cheek, her neck. “Pregnant sex,” he laughed. “If this wasn’t a multiple pregnancy, we’d be doing it like bunnies right now. I’m not sure exactly how, but we’d find a way.”
She giggled then sighed and snuggled close.
After a while, he stirred. “Stay put,” he said. “I want you to stay down, resting. I’ll get a washcloth and towel.” He was back a moment later wearing his boxers. With a warm, wet cloth and soft towel, he cleaned her up. Then he crawled in beside her, taking her again in his arms, pulling just the sheet over them. She drowsed in his embrace and he listened to her soft, steady breathing. Abby might have drifted off, but he didn’t. He watched her, felt her belly against his, alert for any start up of Braxton Hicks contractions. In an hour, nothing was amiss. They hadn’t disturbed the uterus.
It was tempting to spend the day in bed with her, pleasing her as often as she’d like, but he knew that wasn’t a good idea. For another week or so, they might enjoy a little discretionary satisfaction if she felt inclined, but then to be safe, they should wait. This didn’t matter to him—his happiness was complete. She loved him, wanted him. And he would do anything for her.
By the age of thirty-six, Cameron had had plenty of sex, and by far much more interesting than what had just occurred with Abby. Definitely more energetic and creative sex than that. But he couldn’t remember ever feeling more whole, more fulfilled.
He hated to disturb her, but he had to get back to town eventually. He’d been gone all morning. “Abby,” he whispered. “Sweetheart.” She moaned softly and stretched. Her eyes opened and she smiled. “Feel better?” he asked.
“Much. You?”
He nodded. “I want you to know something—I want to marry you. Whenever you’re ready. But that’s not the most important thing. I’m committed, totally. No matter what you decide you want to do, I’m in this with you all the way. I’ll never leave you. I love you, and I don’t just toss out the L word. You can count on me, Abby.”
She ran a hand along his cheek. “Thank you, Cam,” she whispered. “I love you. You can count on me, too.”
He smiled. “Thank God those deer came into the yard. This could be the best day of my life.”
When he got to the clinic at around lunchtime, Mel was in the kitchen. He knew he had a special smile on his face and that there was far less tension in his posture. He couldn’t hide the feeling that his entire life had suddenly fallen into place. He tried to appear nonchalant, but he suspected he had the faraway look of a man in love. He didn’t say anything, but she looked him over and grinned. “Must have been quite a herd,” she said.
“Big herd,” he said. “Abby was very excited to see them.”
She chuckled. Then she stood and gave his shoulder a pat. “Cam, there are times Jack rounds up a poker game with some of the guys….”
“Oh?”
She shook her head and as she passed him she said, “Don’t ever play.”
* * *
When Jack was finally able to pick Rick up at his barracks, more than twenty-four hours after he’d started his trip, he was a little disappointed by what he found. Rick was waiting outside, alone, with his packed duffel and a walker beside him. Jack didn’t think he’d still be relying on the walker. And he had hoped there’d be some guys around, seeing him off. “You’re still using this, huh?” Jack asked.
“Better than falling on my ass,” Rick said. “You have no idea how hard it is to get up.”
“I can imagine.”
“Grab that duffel, would you, Jack?”
Jack hesitated before picking it up. “Good thing I didn’t leave you to catch the bus, huh?”
“No time to be the smartest one, okay?” Rick said, making his way to the truck. And of course, Jack’s truck was jacked up. Rick opened the door and just looked up at the climb.
Jack threw the duffel in the back and stood beside him. “Well, let’s figure this out right off. You can put weight on the prosthesis, right? Left hand up here, right hand on the door, left foot on the runner, and pull. I’ll get the walker.”
“Gimme a hand, huh?”
“I’ll spot you,” Jack said. “You have any trouble, I’ll catch you. Give it a go.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“What if you try?” Jack replied, very proud of himself for not saying fucking try. Mel would be proud, too.
Rick made a face and a noise of displeasure, placed his hands and foot, gave a tug and hoisted himself up into the cab. He did it, first time. But while it made Jack so happy, it obviously gave Rick no pleasure at all. “Well, there you go.” Jack grabbed the walker and put it in the truck bed. Really, he wanted to throw it as far as it would go. He wanted his boy back; he wanted the dependence on the excuse of this disability to stop, probably long before it was reasonable.
Jack was too impatient. He knew that. He wished he could be another way. But he felt so desperate to have his Rick back, no matter how many pieces he was in. Even if it took a while, that was okay, as long as Rick wanted to get back as much as he should. It was this attitude of defeat that was killing Jack.
He should have gone down to San Diego a few times while Rick was in rehab, if only to run through fast food and feed him. He’d gotten thin. All that upper body strength he’d had before Iraq had wilted. Rick was going to need the muscle to compensate for the missing leg. A little time on Preacher’s food would help, but he had to work those muscles, and that took motivation.
“Let’s get some breakfast,” Jack said.
“I had breakfast,” Rick said.
“How about more breakfast? Looks like you could use it.”
“Get some for yourself if you want. I’m not hungry. I’ll wait in the truck.”
Jack just kept driving. It was going to be a long trip home.
Every couple of hours Jack stopped, someplace there was food if he could help it, and forced Rick out of the truck to move around. “Come on, the PT guy in Eureka said you need to move around to avoid something—I can’t remember exactly what it was….”
“Contractures,” Rick supplied. “I’m fine. But this leg has got to come off for a while.”
“Right after this stop. Let’s do it, Rick. Look around—you have your choice. Big Mac, Subway, fish ’n’ chips, whatever you see.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Christ,” Jack muttered. He hauled the walker out of the back and put it down beside Rick. “Walk around the truck at least twice. Then we’ll get the leg off.” Then he took off across the street and walked into a sandwich shop, coming back out with two big submarine sandwiches. He almost smiled to note the walker was back in the truck bed and Rick back in the cab. Not so disabled when he wanted to be done with his exercise. And Jack wasn’t sure how he’d accomplished it, but the prosthesis was in the backseat of the extended cab.
Jack tossed one of the sandwiches in Rick’s lap, put two giant colas in the cup holders and started up the truck.
Rick just stared at the food in his lap.
“Eat what you can. It’s been hours since you’ve eaten and I’ve eaten three times. When we get back, I’m going to get some of Preacher’s weights out of the storage shed for you. You should probably bulk up those arms, shoulders, chest. Give you back your advantage.”
“For?”
Jack was stupefied. He shook his head. “For getting through life?” he said by way of a question.
“For?” Rick said again.
And Jack thought, you can’t slug him. You have to keep your mouth shut and be patient, that’s what Mike said, what Mel said. So Jack talked to himself. Okay, I’m not the best person to deal with this. I never had it this bad, and sure not when I was this young. Mike, he’s been through a terrifying, life-threatening injury. Mike might be able to step in. Mel had done as she promised and lined up a counselor through the VA. He couldn’t make Rick help himself, but he could throw him in the truck, drive him there and sit outside till the hour was up.
Eventually Jack said, in his sensitive and mellow voice, “Eat the goddamn fucking sandwich. And I mean it.”
A few seconds later, Rick peeled off the wrapping paper and took a bite, then another bite.
But Jack had lost his appetite. He was glad Rick was eating something, but this didn’t feel victorious at all. The drive had to come from inside Rick, not from the bully in the seat next to him.
Jack forced down about half his sandwich, wrapped up what was left and managed to keep heading north. After Rick had eaten what was presumably his fill, he leaned back in the seat and dozed, his own wrapped half sandwich on his lap. Jack lifted it carefully; he put it in the sack for later. Rick’s nap gave him a little time to think.
He remembered what Mel had said, that Jack needed his boy back so bad, he was pushing on him. He remembered when Mike Valenzuela picked Virgin River as a place to recover when he’d been critically wounded on the job at LAPD—because his family and friends needed him well again so badly they were suffocating him. And he remembered that he’d never loved a kid as powerfully as he loved this one, except maybe David and Emma, and his love was strong. Sometimes it caused him to act in desperate ways. He could end up doing more harm than good.
It was a good couple of hours before Rick woke with a painful cramp in his thigh, his stump. He groaned in pain and started rubbing.
“We’ll come up on a rest stop real soon here. Hang in there,” Jack said.
Rick just kept rubbing, gritting his teeth. He pushed back in the seat, lifted his butt and fished a pill bottle out of his pocket. He swallowed a pill with a gulp of old, watered-down cola.
“Whatcha got there, pal?” Jack asked.
“Not the good stuff,” he answered. “Just some anti-inflammatory laced with a little codeine. It gets me by.”
“Ready for a pit stop?” Jack asked, driving into a good-looking rest stop.
“Yeah,” Rick said, a little breathless from discomfort.
“Want the leg?” Jack asked, pulling up to a handicapped spot right in front of the men’s room.
“Nah,” Rick said, drawing up the leg of his jeans and tucking it in the waistband. “Just the walker.”
“Sit tight.” Jack got out, grabbed the walker, and instead of insisting Rick do some wild gymnastics getting himself out of the truck without the help of a prosthetic limb, he just slipped a strong arm around his waist and pulled him out, lowering him gently to the ground. Then he followed Rick as he made his way slowly into the bathroom.
Rick turned around once. Over his shoulder he said, “I’m good.”
“I’m right behind you,” Jack said.
Head down, hands braced on the walker, he moved slowly into the john, took his place up against a urinal, braced himself, balancing precariously on one leg, hand against the wall, and got the job done. He was wobbly, especially getting his zipper back up. He moved slowly to the sink and washed his hands. Seeing the potential for disaster if Rick put his wet hands on the metal walker, Jack handed him some paper towels while he was still braced up against the sink. When Rick moved away from the sink, his jeans were wet in front from the dripping sink. “Fuck,” he said.
“Learning curve is kinda high,” Jack remarked. “Yet another reason to work on the leg, huh?”
Rick moved slowly out of the bathroom. Without looking at Jack he muttered, “One of the guys said it was easier to figure out how to have sex than how to take a shower.”
Jack laughed. “Good to know.”
“I doubt it’ll come up.”
When they got to the truck, Jack braced him under the arms and said, “Swing on up there, buddy.” When they were again under way, Jack just gave it some time. They were another half hour on the road after a long day, and now well into Mendocino County, when he asked, “How’s the pain now, Rick?”
“Okay. Pill kicked in, mostly.”
“We’ll be home in less than a couple of hours,” Jack said. “I’m sorry about back there, about the sandwich. The way I acted. We aren’t going to get too far if I try the bully approach. I apologize.”
“Forget it,” he said.
“You understand, I just want to find the best way to help you get on your feet.”
“Foot,” Rick said, not looking at him. “You want me to get on my foot.”
Jack ground his teeth and told himself, Let it go. Rick won’t be angry forever. Will he? “Listen, there are a couple of things we should talk about.”
“Like?”
“Rehab, for one. You’re set up at a clinic in Eureka. It’s supposed to be a good little shop and I’ll take you. Vets from around this county use it a lot. And there’s some counseling…”
“No counseling.”
“Gimme a break, huh? You hear yourself? You wanna feel like this the rest of your life?”
“Listen, we did that whole group-hug thing at Balboa. It was a waste of time. I felt worse, not better.”
“This will be one-on-one and you don’t have to hug anyone.”
“This one have two legs?” Rick asked sarcastically. “Because I just love it when some joker with all his parts tries to help me cope with what’s left of mine.”
“He could have two fucking heads for all I know,” Jack said. “Sorry. That was frustration. I’m just frustrated.”
Rick laughed humorlessly. “Is that a fact?”
“Moving on. I’d like you to stay with me and Mel. Once you get up the porch, the house is flat. The shower is a flat walk-in. You don’t have to negotiate a tub. I can get you around till you’re driving again, which will be as soon as you’re ready. You can spend as much time with your grandma as you like and I’ll even drive her out to our place, but her house is a challenge and she shouldn’t be taking care of you.”
“We’ll be fine,” he said. “She won’t have to take care of me.”
“Rick, try to be reasonable. Mel and I can help, but Lydie has enough challenge taking care of herself.”
“She won’t be taking care of me. We’ll manage.”
“Are you totally opposed to making this as simple as possible? Are you going to let me help at all?”
“I let you drive me home, didn’t I? And aren’t you glad for the good company?”
“Yeah. It was a slice of heaven….”
“Next item? Or is that it?”
“Liz,” Jack said.
“Nothing to talk about there.”
Now it was Jack’s turn to laugh without humor. “Buddy, on this we’re gonna talk. I know you didn’t take her calls, didn’t return them. I don’t know what’s up with that, but we’re going to be back in town and she works for her aunt Connie every week. You can’t avoid her. She’s scared to death of how you’re going to act toward her.”
“She doesn’t have to be scared,” Rick said quietly.
Jack sighed. At least that last lacked the edge of hostility. “I’m sure she can’t help it. You’ve been ignoring her. I gotta say, I don’t get that.”
“I know you don’t. Don’t worry. I’ll talk to her. I’ll be nice as I can.”
“Rick, what the hell’s going on with that?”
He took a deep breath. “Jack, it’s going to be all right. Lizzie’s young. Young and beautiful. She’s sweet. And strong. She’ll be fine.”
“Something about what you just said sounds real bad.”
“Nah, it’ll be okay. Might take a little getting used to, that’s all. She doesn’t need a guy like me weighing her down.”
Jack had to concentrate to keep from driving off the road. “What the hell? Is this about the leg?”
“It’s not about the leg, but face it, that’s not a great asset. It’s about everything. Ever since Liz ran into me, her life has been messed up. I’m not good for her. She can do a lot better and deserves to.”
“She’s not going to agree with that. She’s going to fight that idea.”
“Well, not too hard, because that’s how it is. Jesus, don’t you think the girl’s been through enough?”
“I don’t know what to say,” Jack said, but what he really meant was he didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t include a lot of frustrated swearing. He just wanted to shake Rick until all the marbles in his head fell back into place.
“What a break,” Rick said. “Don’t worry. I’ll be nice.”
“You’ll be nice while you’re dumping her? After all she’s gone through for you? Don’t you think if she felt she’d been through enough, she’d cut you loose?”
“Next item?” Rick said. “Or have we covered everything?”
“Listen, I’m going to try to be reasonable here….”
“I thought we were moving on?” Rick answered.
Oh, he’s going to make me choke him! Jack thought. He shook his head a little violently, trying to let Mel’s voice rise to the surface, because his instinct was to stop the car and say something like, Listen, asshole, that little girl stuck by you while you were sticking by her and if you don’t love her anymore, okay, stuff happens. But you don’t just decide you’re not good enough and shit can her like that. And you have enough fucking parts!
“You’ve been through a lot,” Jack chose to say. “Physically, emotionally, psychologically. Maybe you shouldn’t make any fast moves. If you get through some of this stuff, get your problems sorted out and get good on the leg, get the high-tech leg, and then if you still feel this way… All I’m saying is, do you have to be so sure about major changes like that before you’re fully recovered? You and Liz have been together a long time. You’re just planning to push her away right off because you’re still all messed up in your head. Which, by the way, is in the goddamn pamphlet.”
He could see Rick’s jaw tighten. “Next item?” he said.
“Aw, Christ,” Jack said.
“Look, I’m trying hard as I can! I want to do what’s right! In my messed-up head, it isn’t right to hold on to Liz or let Liz hold on to me when she can do so much better! That’s it! I’ve had months to think about it! Now—next fucking item!”
Jack took a defeated breath. “Okay. Preacher made barbecue.”
Oh God. His worst nightmare. A town gathering, welcoming him home. He’d crumble. Cry like a girl. He wasn’t up to it. “Tell him thanks. Tell him I’m in pain. We’ll catch up.”
“You’re not in pain,” Jack said.
“I am now. It’s not happening, Jack. I can’t. Do. It.”
An hour from home, Jack thought. Maybe he’d change his mind. But if he’d learned anything in the last ten hours, Rick had enough determination to get him through almost anything. Except complete recovery. “Okay, pal. Whatever you say.”
* * *
When Rick got to his grandmother’s house, Lydie was overwhelmed by his homecoming. Rick could feel Jack standing behind him, just inside the front door, holding his duffel and the prosthesis, watching as Rick embraced his weeping grandmother with one arm while he balanced the walker between them. She was so small in his big arm and he had no instinct to shut her out. She was old, frail, and had suffered too many losses in her life. For a few moments, while he held her against his chest, Rick was grateful that he could come home to her in any condition. “Hey hey,” he said. “Come on, Gram. You’re gonna drown me with those tears. No crying, sweetheart.”
“Ricky, I can’t remember when I prayed so hard. Thank God you’re home.”
“I’m home, Gram. Everything is all right,” he said, thinking about how wrong it all was. But he wouldn’t put his gram through that. He comforted her until she wiped her old eyes and just stood there in front of him, studying his face with her trembling fingers. And behind him, he could hear Jack breathe.
“I bet there’s doings at Jack’s tonight,” Lydie said.
“There is,” Rick said. “I’m just not up to it, though. It was a long ride and my leg aches. I’m going to skip it.”
“Are you sure?” she asked him, frowning.
Be welcomed home like a one-legged hero to this little town? Ha, not on your life, he thought. “I’m sure,” he said. “But if you want to go see the neighbors, I’m sure Jack will take you.”
“No, no,” she said. “We’ll stay home. Thing is, I didn’t cook anything, Ricky. Thinking we’d be at Jack’s…”
“No problem,” he said. “We’ll pull something together.” He gave her crepey, soft cheek a stroke, wiping away a tear. “We have to get up our strength, huh? And you need your insulin and food.”
Jack brushed past them, taking Rick’s duffel to his old room, the one he grew up in, the one he had briefly shared with Liz when their baby was almost due. “I’ll bring you something from the bar. Can’t have you trying to cook your first night home,” he said as he passed.
“That’s okay, Jack—” Rick began.
“Not a problem, Rick,” Jack said. He was back quickly; the house was small—just five rooms and a bath. He met Rick’s eyes and said, “I’ll pass on your regrets and get a batch of barbecue, bring it down. You rest.”
In a brief attack of humility for being such a giant asshole all day while Jack tried his best, Rick said, “Thanks, Jack. I appreciate that. A lot.”
“Sure,” Jack said, clearly still miffed at him, disappointed in him.
Rick got over the guilt right away. Jack, maybe most of all, would be better off if Rick just wasn’t around to bring disaster after disaster into his life.
He got the prosthesis back on. He had a quiet meal with his grandma, she took her insulin and he popped a pain pill, and it was barely eight o’clock when she was nodding off in the chair and he sent her to bed. Then he dimmed all the lights so if anyone passed the house they would think he was asleep.
Rick was aware that there were lots of people at Jack’s bar, just down the street. In fact, he could hear engines and voices even though the front door was closed. It brought back memories of all the good times there, the times he’d come home on leave, the visits from Jack’s boys who all treated him like a little brother. He went back further in his mind to when he worked there, all through high school. It was like a second home—hanging out with Preacher and Jack, bussing tables, loading stock, going to Eureka for supply runs.
That job was his life for a while. Jack always made sure Rick’s school sports and homework came first, fit his work at the bar around those things, like a dad would do. And when Lizzie got pregnant, Jack and Preach did everything they could to give him work while freeing him up to take good care of his girl, the mother of his baby. Here he’d gotten himself in this giant mess and they were totally there for him, holding him up, keeping him sane.
It brought tears to his eyes, thinking about those days. Some of them, like when the baby was stillborn, were the worst days of his life. But remembering that day—Jack and Preach, Mel delivering the baby when she herself was pregnant and due any minute, Lizzie somehow getting through it and still loving him…. How was it possible he could remember such a terrible day with such fondness?
His grandmother almost always left the front porch light on at night, but Rick turned it off. He just sat on the couch in the darkened living room and thought back to all those times, sorry but simultaneously relieved he wasn’t down at the bar being welcomed home by the town.
In spite of himself, he felt bad about it. He knew Preacher would have put out his favorites and women from town would have brought their own special dishes to add to the party. He knew they meant well. He just didn’t think he could stand the scrutiny.
At ten o’clock, Rick knew the party was long since over; farmers and ranchers didn’t stay out late. Livestock and crops got them up real early. When he heard a light tapping at the front door, he thought it would be Jack, mother-henning again, checking on him. Maybe the guy wanted to tuck him in.
He opened the door and found himself face-to-face with Liz.