“Tell me again why we came to this dog and pony show?”
Jorgie sighs as if I’m the most infuriating being on the planet. It’s not the first time he’s looked at me that way and it won’t be the last. I have zero patience for all the foppery of shit like this and he knows it. I’d much rather be raiding the coffers or partying with normal people. There’s not a supe in this room—outside of staff—who has the slightest idea what it means to work for anything. It makes my skin crawl to saunter around and make inane conversation with the elites we target with our schemes and scams.
“Levi, we have to use our connections to find the ripest plums in the orchard. Attending fancy parties and celebrations is our best source of intel. Without the information we gather here, we won’t be able to continue helping the people who need us,” he murmurs.
Of course, he’s right; he’s always right. Jorgie is all logic and I’m all heart, which is why we make such an efficient team.
“It reminds me of home and I hate it. The best decision I ever made was abdicating my birthright and letting my idiot brother take the throne. Now I’m free to sail around with you and actually make a difference.” I tug on the collar of the stiff neck of my dress shirt with a growl of frustration. Being bound up in this formal nonsense doesn’t help with my mood, either. I have to make certain I don’t shift or I’ll rip everything—that will only draw unwanted attention.
My boyfriend gives me a knowing look. “Keep your temper in check, big guy. You know, part of the agreement with Triton was that you would ensure that you didn’t embarrass your family in public. That was the stipulation he demanded in exchange for not declaring you exiled.”
“Yes, yes. I have to keep my tentacles to myself or I’ll be cut off. I’m well aware. That asshole knows how uncomfortable it is to stay in my humanoid form for long periods of time—he included that clause on purpose. His petty revenge for having to horse trade for a throne he believed our father should have given to him.” Running my hand through my hair, I clench my fists at my side in frustration. To this day, that clause never ceases to infuriate me.
“Did you see Queen Chelle enter? That had to be the most ostentatious procession I’ve ever seen for a kingdom this small. She strutted down the aisle as if she ruled Valhalla. Most amusing.” Jorgie jerks his head in the ruler in question’s direction as she perches on her tacky throne. “This event and the accouterments of her castle are why her people are clumped in a camp on the outskirts of the capital. She’s created her own illusion of grandeur in the center of the kingdom, so outsiders don’t watch closely at what’s really going on here.”
Squinting at the dais, I watch as the queen’s sister and her companion quietly slip out from behind the curtains and take their seat on a lower level. The two women are clearly being as obsequious as possible, so they draw any eyes away from Queen Chelle and I’m certain that’s by design. Triton never wanted me around when he was holding court, and when I grew tired of his idiotic machinations, Jorgie and I set sail for adventure. Both women are stunning in diametrically opposite ways—the former queen has flowing hair and soft curves, while her companion is tall and solidly built with an adorable pixie cut. I watch the way they interact for a moment, then elbow my companion.
“The former queen and her attendant are a couple. They look at each other the way we do.” My eyes dance as I gesture to the royals in icy blue and white. “And I think neither of them is human. Something about the way they move exudes barely contained power.”
“Hmmm,” Jorgie says as he tilts his head. “Perhaps that’s our way into more than the stores of the Summer Palace. Queen Elle seems nervous; her eyes are darting around the room as if she’s watching for something, and her companion has the look of a woman with vast experience. Do we know who she is?”
Pulling out my phone, I do a quick internet search. It takes less than a minute to identify the woman who appears to be comforting the tremulous ex-queen. “Oh, fuck, J! That’s Jack… the Jack. You know, from like… everything. Before this, she was the one on that web show with the chick who died. They both fell off the balcony during some big party?”
“We need to monitor them, Levi. It’s fairly common knowledge Jack has gotten a raw deal from her former employers and she could be a valuable ally. I doubt she has a love for the current Queen even if she is involved with her sister. She may help us transfer some of this obnoxious wealth back to the people of the Ice Kingdom before we move on.”
I grin. Schmoozing people is my job and planning is his—that means I’ll get close to Jack and her girl. I’m all for it because they are both smoking hot. If I get lucky, I’ll wangle an invitation to guest star in their bedroom olympics. Group activities are my favorite and Jorgie loves to watch before he joins. “Aye, aye, Captain!”
“Odin, save me. You’re never going to let go of the pirate shit, are you?” He scrubs a hand down his face and gives me a pleading look.
“Hell no! I’m a son of the sea, sailing the seas, and stealing from the rich assholes who live near it. Pirates, we will always be!” I pause for a moment and give him a crooked grin. “Besides, we’re headed for the Caribbean next, and you know how much I love that human movie. I can’t wait to bitch about the rum being gone!”
Jorgie gives me a dark look. His gaze narrows as he reaches over to swat my ass. “Behave, Levi. We have loot to locate and then we need to pull up anchor. We’ve already been here longer than I’m comfortable with.”
I open my mouth to retort, but another loud blast comes from the heralds on the stage. The crowd goes silent as they watch the Queen rise from her ridiculous perch and smile like a cat that got the cream.
“Friends, citizens, and honored guests… it’s time to begin the Yulemas ceremony.”
Well, shit. I don’t know what fresh hell this is, but it’s going to keep us from slipping through the crowd unnoticed.
* * *
I’ve been to quite a few winter celebrations in my time, but this one feels unnecessarily drawn out.
The Ice Kingdom isn’t very different from the other Norse-type kingdoms Jorgie and I have been to, but Queen Chelle seems determined to preside over the most extravagant shit I’ve ever seen. They’ve lit candles all over the room, carved runes into the Yule log, decorated a Yulemas tree, and now she’s giving her third lengthy speech. They have preceded each tradition with one and even her loyalists look bored. She needs to light the damn wreath on fire and toss it; no one has consumed enough alcohol to suffer through this for much longer.
“And now I will light the Yule wreath so we may burn it as a prayer for the return of the Sun!”
Thank fuck.
“Levi!”
I frown, looking over at Jorgie as he beckons for me to step back from the crowd in front of us. “What? If I had to listen to that shit, I want to see the fire.”
“The former queen and her companion surreptitiously moved from their seats to behind the curtain. Can you think of a reason they would risk the ire of their monarch during her moment of glory?” Jorgie arches his brow and looks around. “Something isn’t right. Follow me.”
His powers don’t include premonition, but he has uncanny senses when it comes to danger. I don’t know if it’s the scent changing in the room or something in his immortal DNA, but Jorgie is rarely wrong about this sort of thing. I nod and he wraps his hand around my wrist—that’s when I realize he’s anxious. The super strength combined with the feel of his scales forming over his skin tells me whatever he’s feeling is making him paranoid as hell. Jorgie has to be extremely careful with allowing his powers to surface. He has the power to plunge the world into a dystopian nightmare if he’s not careful.
We all have our quirks, right? I think it’s hot as fuck that he’s a harbinger of doom.
Weaving our way through the crowd towards the exit the beautiful ladies took, I look over my shoulder at the fiery spinning Yule wreath. Before we duck into the door they must have taken, a minor explosion propels the tiny flames on the traditional circle of fir. The crowd gasps in shock and after that, it’s like everything moves in slow motion. The fire leaps to an invisible line on the floor, traveling straight to the tree; it bursts into enormous flames immediately.
That’s when the screaming starts.
“Stop fucking around, Levi! We have to get out of here before the fire spreads or the smoke… or hell, the goddamn guards start trampling people to get to their ruler!”
I duck into the concealed door with Jorgie, my eyes wide as we descend a pitch black stairway. Something small and furry brushes my leg and I yelp. “Hades in a sex swing, was that an enormous rat?!”
“Shhh!” His hand tightens on my arm and I close my mouth as he guides us through the darkness. His voice is a low whisper when we reach the bottom of the winding steps. “I don’t know where we’re going, but it smells like we’re in the tunnels. A different part than the other night, perhaps, but I’m sure we will eventually hit the lighted portion.”
“I’m more concerned about giant plague rats than electricity,” I mutter. Jorgie has excellent night vision, so I know he’s capable of keeping us from being discovered, but I’d like to exit this cold ass castle without a virulent disease. I’m fond of my body parts exactly in the condition they arrived in.
A soft laugh startles me. “Levi, are you obsessing about the rats and germs?”
“Of course I am!” I huff. “Laugh all you want about my fancy airs, but good hygiene is essential to a long life.”
“I’m immortal, you dipstick.”
“Good thing one of us is. My golden sheen left the building like Elvis when I gave up my throne to gallivant around the world with you.” If he could see my sneer, I’m sure I’d get a delightful spanking, but as it is, he’s too busy scenting our way through the maze under this massive iceberg. The tunnels are winding and confusing—I’m surprised they don’t have a fucking Minotaur down here freezing his furry balls off.
“Huh.”
“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Jorgie. It’s pitch black in here and I can’t even read your expression. I have no idea why you’re making your ‘a-ha’ sound.” I roll my eyes as he stops our progress and goes still. I know better than to speak until he answers—I’d wager he’s holding his free hand to lips to shush me, though I can’t see it.
“I smell… magic. Earthy, flowery forest magic with hints of cold frost and hints of the ocean. It’s close,” he whispers.
“For the love of… illuminate!”
My eyes widen as the sound of a voice like bourbon and honey echoes through the cave, followed by a loud clap. Tiny fairy lights embedded in the tunnel walls blink on, casting shadows on the women standing in front of Jorgie and I. The short-haired companion is holding a wicked looking short sword, crackling with the magic that is lighting up the room. Elle, the former queen of the Ice Kingdom, is glaring at us through electric blue eyes while holding a swirling ball of snowflakes in her palm. When neither of us speaks up, they look at one another, communicating without words before turning back.
“Who. The Fuck. Are. You?” The infamous Jack doesn’t mince words, apparently.
Jorgie lets go of my wrist and steps forward to bow at the waist. “Your Highness. Levi and I are honored to meet you, even under these inauspicious circumstances. Apologies for frightening you and your companion.”
A trill of laughter makes me look at them all in confusion, and the Snow Queen turns to Jack with a smile. “What an odd man. You spoke to him, yet he addressed me. I’m not a ventriloquist.”
Jack shakes her head, not lowering the sword as she nods. “Indeed, Queenie. These gentlemen are desperately trying to distract us from asking why they are in our private tunnels. I assume they will assert they found the door and thought to escape the fire upstairs and simply happened upon us. However, I know for a fact they were in the tunnels below our castle the last time I toured them. Therefore, they must have nefarious intentions.”
Holy fuck, she was there that night?
My lips curve into a lecherous grin as I wonder exactly what the snub nosed swords woman witnessed. I certainly enjoyed the tête-à-tête; I can only hope she saw something she liked as well. Both of them are even more attractive brandishing weapons than they were posing on a stage, and I like my ladies to have a little spice with their sugar.
“Down, boy,” Jorgie mutters as his forked tongue flicks out.
Damn. He never loses control like that. These girls are affecting him, too.
“Your companion caught us, Queen Elle. We were in the tunnels below your palace earlier in the month and we have been in these tunnels before as well. Not this section, but…” I smile and shrug, deciding to take a chance. “They hired us to assist some of your villages with gathering information about the goings-on in the castle and we are merely good hearted rogues. We mean you no harm.”
“Spies, huh?” Jack drawls as she looks from one of us to the other. I don’t know if she saw our spoils or even if she followed us to the resistance village, so I wait for her to continue. “I’m no fan of such intrigue, but it’s possible we can work out a mutually beneficial arrangement.”
Is she blackmailing us in front of her girl? Fuck, this chick is the absolute tits.
“Go on,” Jorgie says. “But tell us with your weapons sheathed.”
“Party pooper,” the ex-queen grumbles as her snowflakes fade and the aura around her goes back to normal. “I don’t get to play with my magic much. I was looking forward to freezing their dicks off, Jackie.”
Another low, husky laugh escapes her lips as she sheaths her sword and ruffles the queen’s hair fondly. “I know, darling. Perhaps if they piss us off again, you’ll get your chance.” The warrior turns back to us, folding her arms over her chest. “You need us to keep our mouths shut about your… spying… and we need a ride.”
“A ride?” I snort. “There are at least twenty carriages in this place!”
Snowflakes fly into the air as the Snow Queen shakes her head. “You misunderstand, gentlemen. We are not looking to hitchhike to another place in the Ice Kingdom. We’re leaving and we need you to ferry us as far out of the reach of my sister as possible.”
Jack grins as she puts her hands on her hip. “This isn’t a heist; it’s a jailbreak.”
Holy fucking banana pants… did we get conscripted to save a princess?