To their credit, Jorgie and Levi don’t freak out. I would not have been surprised if they did—we’re asking them to be branded as kidnappers and commit treason at worst. Queen Chelle doesn’t have a lot of allies, but she is gifted at playing the victim on camera. She’ll no doubt milk our disappearance for every ounce of sympathy she can get to dominate the news cycle.
There’s nothing a covert narcissist like her loves more than soaking up the spotlight with their tales of woe.
“Perhaps… we are misunderstanding what you want, Queen Elle,” Jorgie starts.
Queenie cuts him off with a firm shake of her head. “Impossible. I was very blunt and neither of you seem stupid. We want you to smuggle us out of the Ice Kingdom, preferably to a sunny island south of the equator.”
“But Your Majesty…”
This time, I roll my eyes. “Levi, she didn’t stutter. Also, she hates being called those things. Elle will be fine.”
They stare at one another, communicating silently. It seems to be a battle of wills expressed through eyebrows and scowls until finally the tentacled redhead beams. He turns back to us with a suspiciously excited expression.
“Jorgie is unsure, but I like the cut of your jib, ladies. However, what you’re asking of us carries a punishment far worse than being caught stealing. Are you open to negotiating your price?”
Pirates… no matter the species, they only have their minds on the booty. Which booty depends on the day, but they’re wholly predictable.
“We are, but this will have to be discussed in a less treacherous location, boys. Our distraction upstairs won’t hold for much longer and we’re wasting getaway time,” I reply. I squint into the darkness and let out a low whistle, smiling when Trixie scrambles out of the shadows to join us.
“Holy shit, he wasn’t kidding about the fucking rat.” Jorgie eyes the capuchin on my shoulder and I have to smother a giggle when she flips him off with her tiny monkey hands.
I taught her that and look at how useful it was.
“Trixie is clearly a monkey, not a rat, and Jackie is right. We’re going to get caught if we don’t haul ass to our things and run like hell from this place.” Queenie puts her hands on her hips and glares at them both like they’re recalcitrant children.
“Fine!” Levi grumbles. “But if either of you have a trunk with an industrial strength hair dryer, I’m out.”
My girl looks confused, but I give them a withering look at the reference. As if I’d try to transport huge beauty supplies when Q and I were planning on stealing horses to lead through the Black Forest. The very idea is insulting.
“We packed extremely lightly so we can move quickly, you jackass. Tuck your misogyny in before I let Queenie freeze your boys off like she wanted earlier.” My smirk is playful, but my eyes say I’m not joking, so they nod.
Threatening their dicks is the oldest and most effective way to control a man, even if they have tentacles and snake tongues.
The four of us trudge through the caves I mapped out, following the glowing sigils I scribbled on the walls. It doesn’t take long to reach the hidden compartment I stowed our packs in and I sling mine over my shoulders before gesturing to Queenie. She spins around and I tug on the tear away section of the poofy dress, peeling the heavy skirts off. The boys stand there gaping at us like fools as I stuff the material in the hole and hand her the pack with her shit in it.
“What?” Queenies demand as they continue to stare. “Did you think because we’re women or I was a queen that we don’t have common sense? Good lord, this is going to be a long trip if you don’t trust Jackie to make plans. She’s a brilliant strategist—who do you think plotted all those silly web shows?”
“You wrote the Jack & Jill show?!” Levi gasps as if I’ve revealed a state secret. “You? Not Jill?”
Huffing, I walk over to tighten Queenie’s straps and then face them both. “Most of them. Jill wasn’t keen on admitting that, so I let her take the spotlight. It was a mistake and only fed her ego until the eventual tragedy. Now, can we move on?”
Jorgie tilts his head, studying me for a moment. He opens his mouth and shuts it, obviously deciding forcing me to rehash my former life is best left to another time. That would be never if I had my way and I’ll make sure it never comes up again if I can help it. Talking about the abuse I suffered at Jill’s hands before her meltdown is embarrassing and infuriating, so anything I can do to avoid it is fair game.
“Okay, but I’m gonna want to talk about that later,” Levi grumbles. “I knew the last season felt like it went off the rails.”
He has no idea.
“We need to go this way,” I announce. “This tunnel will let out near the stables and I’ve made certain two fine horses will be ready for us. They aren’t our usual mounts because it would be obvious, but I’ve also been leaving clues all over the castle and tunnels that will hopefully lead the moronic guards to believe someone has actually kidnapped us. It will slow down their search for a while.”
Queenie takes my arm and follows me, but I can hear Levi muttering to Jorgie in the background. “That’s not a strategy; it’s the plot to the Princess Bride. They better have more on tap than that, or we’ll dangle by dawn.”
“I heard that!” I hiss.
Of course, neither of them needed to know I only had three weeks to amend my original plan to get the hell out of Dodge because I took my girl with me. My commitment trauma is none of their goddamn business and I don’t owe them an explanation. They’re tagging along on my plan and they can bite me if they don’t like it.
Which, honestly, I might like, but that is also none of their business.
* * *
“Okay, if either of you comment on the fucking horses I chose, I’m getting my soprano maker out,” I grumble as we make our way through the dark stables.
I wasn’t worried about Queenie when I picked the two fastest horses, but she doesn’t have the pop culture knowledge these dipshits do. Queen Chelle kept her shit in like Kimmy Schmidt and the only things she knows are what I’ve watched with her over the years. I specifically avoided the movie Levi mentioned because it was a favorite of one of my exes and well… they better keep their big mouths closed or I’m gonna create a few castrati.
“Aye, aye, milady,” Levi says cheerfully. “I can’t call you Captain because it'd be weird.”
“Considering she dated that dope, it sure would!”
I whirl around, giving Queenie a death stare. That was yet another piece of my history I didn’t need shared with Heckle & Jeckle over there. They’ll never let it go and—
“No way!”
Jorgie grimaces and sighs. “Sweet baby Thor, woman. Are you a storybook groupie? He’s going to ram this down our throats for the entire ride. Not to mention the amount of questions you’re going to get on the long fucking sea voyage about your illustrious bedposts.”
“Aw, Jorgie, don’t be jealous! I love all your crazy stories, too. And your dick is huge. It’s a big bonus.”
Queenie’s mouth drops open and I throw my head back in laughter. These two are the grumpiest and sunshiniest assholes I’ve ever met, and I have no idea how they put up with one another, but it’s endearing. We could have found much worse companions to undertake months of sailing with. That’s not to say I may not murder Levi before we make land, but at least I’ll get a few chuckles out of it.
“You’ve got a dirty mouth, Levi. I can’t decide if I like it or not.”
The sea shifter shrugs and winks at my girl. “That’s because you haven’t had it on you yet. Trust me, it won’t be a hard decision,” he practically purrs.
She gives him a look that’s part indignant and part interested, but ultimately, she stomps on his foot and stalks to the end of the row of horses in a huff. Both of the guys arch a brow at me, and I shrug before I follow her.
Yup, the Ice Queen and I are going to have to have a little chat.
“Oh, Jackie, you picked Buttercup and Wesley!” She squeals in delight, and the muffled snorts behind me make my spine stiffen in irritation.
When they approach with bemused expressions, I tap the hilt of my sword and they sober immediately. “Yes, I did. They are two of the fastest horses in this stable, and neither of us rides them often. I’m going to leave a few things in one of their stalls to throw off the guards, but we won’t be able to take any others. We’ll have to double up.”
“Who’s riding with who? Obviously, based on weight, you ladies won’t be able to ride together because we’re too big to ride together for this long of a journey.” Jorgie holds back as he asks us, eyeing the horse warily while Levi approaches them excitedly.
Queenie strokes Buttercup’s muzzle as she looks at the men. “By size, I believe Levi and I should ride Buttercup, and you should take Wesley. That will distribute the size fairly equally.”
“Don’t worry, Elle! I’m aces with equines. My father created them and some of my brothers are horses,” Levi boasts as he ruffles the mane of the chestnut colored mare.
My brows furrow, and I tilt my head. “Is your father… Poseidon, Levi?”
“Duh,” he says as he leads Buttercup out of the stall.
“My brother is a horse, too,” Jorgie grumbles. He gives the kraken a dirty look as he waits for us to get the animals ready. “Showoff.”
I blink, still processing that information, and Queenie pinches my arm. “It’s very impressive and I’m sure his dark companion is equally endowed with glory, but we must go, love.”
My girl definitely doesn’t get why I’m impressed, but she isn’t wrong. “We’ll discuss this later. Jorgie, get your gloomy ass over here and ride with me. We need to put some miles between us and the people who will hunt us.”
Hopping on the black horse, I watch Levi help Queenie mount Buttercup. He takes her pack and puts it on, then climbs behind her with a big grin. I’m going to have to watch him—he’s a huge flirt and Q has been so sheltered that she doesn’t realize what he’s blatantly suggesting.
“You don’t have to worry about him.”
The voice in my ear makes me shriek and I turn to glare at the broody pirate. “A little warning would be nice. You could get punched in the junk if you’re not careful.”
“What is your obsession with our dicks? It’s weird considering what you… witnessed… the other night,” Jorgie rumbles. He hasn’t moved away from my ear and his breath skates over my skin.
Somehow, I don’t think the golden retriever is the one I need to worry about.
Looking over my shoulder, I shrug. “Voyeurism is very chic at the moment. You should consider that for next time.”
That said, I click the reins and start guiding Wesley out into the paddock. I hear Queenie’s horse following and I let out a sigh of relief.
I have no idea what this journey is going to look like, but anything is better than letting Queen Chelle take away the shine my girl has exuded since we left the throne room. Hands tighten on my waist and I raise my chin. Jorgie and Levi are going to help us leave the Ice Kingdom and my girl will never be suppressed again.
I’ll kill anyone who dares to try.