11

 

The great thing about a big city like San Diego is that you can get as lost as you want to, for as long as you want to. The clinic, closed over the long holiday weekend, didn’t need my attention right away. I cleaned up most of the paint the day before, and the plywood Lilah and I struggled to put over the windows would hold for a while. I didn’t have a shift at the hospital until Wednesday. I needed to disappear, so I did. For three days.

I drove to the hospital and called my boss’s wife, Kara, from the doctor’s locker room while I changed into clothes I picked up from the clinic on the way back from the club. I’d met her at hospital parties. Kara worked at a hotel chain call center. She managed the night shift, but still hopped on the phones when they were slammed. I was pretty sure she was working tonight. I called her extension and waited through the rings.

“Hey Kara, how are you?”

Her high, sing-song voice floated back to me.

“Oh, Ruby, how are you? Blaine told me about your car and the clinic.”

Gulping down the lump in my throat, I answered. “I’m doing OK, Kara, thanks for asking. Listen; remember I won that hotel voucher at the Christmas party raffle last year?”

“Oh, yeah. Did you want to redeem it?”

I heard her typing on a computer keyboard.

“Is it still good?” I asked.

“Sure it is, Honey. Where do you want to stay?”

I looked at the coupon taped to my locker door and bit my lip. I had no idea where to go. “Where can I stay?”

“Let’s see, do you have the number?”

I read it off and listened to her mutter happily while she worked the computer’s system. Her freckled nose and bouffant hair flashed behind my eyes and I smiled.

“Uhm, you want a beach hotel?”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “That sounds nice.”

“How long are you staying?”

I looked at my packed duffle bag on the bench by the lockers. If I skipped payment on one of my student loans and asked for a deferment, that would give me five hundred bucks for this get-away.

“Three days?” I thought for a second. “Can I check-in tonight even though it’s so late?”

“Uh huh, just a sec,” she said and typed some more. “Here we are. I’ve got you booked at the Inn at Seaside Cliffs. You have a king, beach view room, for three days starting tomorrow. You can check in tonight, they haven’t sold all of the rooms.”

“And this is free?” I asked warily.

“Yes, honey, it’s totally free, like a gift certificate. The voucher is for four days, do you want to stay that long?”

“No thanks, Kara. I have to be back at the clinic in four days.”

“OK, then, you’re all set.”

“Thanks, Kara,” I said quietly.

She paused. “Honey, are you all right?”

“I just, uh, I need to do some thinking,” I said and wiped my eyes.

“Well gosh, Ruby, a woman as gorgeous as you shouldn’t be having man trouble.”

That made me laugh. “Well…”

She took in a quick breath. “Is it that officer, Ben, something? Blaine told me how he’s always asking about you…I thought he was a nice guy.”

“He is a nice guy, Kara,” I said sadly. “But, there’s someone else…someone from a long time ago…”

She clucked her tongue. “Oh, Ruby, you mean men trouble, as in more than one.”

My face burned with embarrassment. Why was I spilling my guts to my boss’s wife? Not a good move. Then again, if she and Blaine were discussing me and Ben, then my personal life wasn’t the secret I thought it was.

“I need to do some serious soul searching on this one, Kara,” I said finally.

“Well, this is the place to do it, Honey. You go and have some fun. Order yourself dessert for dinner, really pamper yourself.”

Smiling, I wiped my eyes again. “I’ll do that, Kara.”

I thanked her, ended the call, and tossed my phone in my bag. Suddenly tired, I sat down on the bench and rested my head in my hands.

I really should go to the clinic and make sure everything is still locked.

“No you don’t,” I said under my breath. “You need to go, right now.”

I stood, gathered my stuff, and headed out to my escape. I passed the cafeteria and peered in through the open door. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Tom at the check-out counter talking with Sasha. She shook her head and gestured at the dining area.

I picked up my pace and slipped into the elevator. Renee’s SUV had a staff parking sticker, so I had parked in her spot since she wasn’t due to start her shift until eight in the morning. I checked my watch. It was just after midnight. I slid into the driver’s seat and rested my head on Renee’s furry pink steering wheel cover.

Guilt, worry, and longing bubbled in my chest, making me shake. Disappearing on someone hurt them, I knew that from experience. Still, I didn’t want to talk to Tom right now, and he had a way of not letting that stop him. I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of his breath on my temple when he whispered to me. Something tugged at me, deep in my core.

I should go back and talk to Tom. I’m an adult now, not a lovesick teenager.

I lifted my head and looked at my puffy red eyes in the sun visor’s mirror. Jealousy and hurt rumbled in my throat and I fought the urge to cry again.

Maybe not.

I looked like a wet, sad, rat. I smoothed my hair and twined it into a hair tie. Starting the car, I took one more look at the doors to the hospital, then started the SUV and drove away.

A half hour later, I pulled into the parking structure attached to the Inn at Seaside Cliffs. A beautiful building designed to look like a bed and breakfast; it stood indeed, right on the beach. I carried my bag into the lobby and set it on the floor by the front reception desk. An older woman wearing a gray blazer met me with a smile.

“You must be Dr. McKinney.”

I looked at her, startled.

“Uh, yes, I am.”

She nodded knowingly and pulled a sheet of paper from under the counter. “You have a pro-rated check in.”

I raised my eyebrows. She smiled in return, set the sheet on the counter upside down for me to read, and used her pen to point to some numbers.

“That means we aren’t going to charge you for the night. We got a call from corporate that you have the room comped for tonight, then we should apply the voucher starting tomorrow.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” I said surprised. Kara was a sweetheart.

“Oh, we are big with customer service here, Dr. McKinney,” she said proudly.

I nodded with approval. She filled out the paperwork and handed me the keycards.

“OK, you’re all set. You’re right off of the elevators and down the hall.”

I glanced at the keys looking for the room number.

“What floor?”

“It’s the top floor, ma’am,” she explained. “The suites. I sent someone up there a few minutes ago to open it up. Would you like help with your bag?”

Shocked, I shook my head and thanked her. I’d never even been in a suite, let alone stayed in one for a whole weekend. Feeling luxurious, I rode the elevator in silence, my head leaning back against the wall. I whispered a silent prayer of gratitude.

The floor indicator dinged, and I found my room. I worked the keycard and flipped on the light. It was a beautiful suite. Done in soft blues and cream, gossamer curtains billowed at the open terrace. I dropped my bag on the marble floor and walked slowly to the sliding doors. I stood in awe staring out at the twinkling lights blanketing the city. Off in the distance I could make out the pier. Hugging myself, I leaned on the terrace rail and breathed in the salt air. Views like this shouldn’t be taken in alone. They’re meant to be shared.

 

****

 

First thing in the morning, I called Lilah. I got kicked to voicemail so I left a message telling her where I was and gave her my room’s phone number. Then I took the battery out of my cell phone and spent the next three days wandering the Balboa Park museums and gardens.

I had a museum pass I bought the year before but never used. It expired in a month, so I was happy it wasn’t going to waste. I visited the Japanese Friendship Garden and sat by the babbling stream that wound along the sand paths. Bamboo water features tapped out hollow songs as the wind slipped across the manicured grass. I nibbled on the sandwich I bought from the café, and let the sun warm my face.

An old couple, walking together under the weeping willows, stopped to read the sign on one of the bronze statues. I watched them and envy roiled in my chest. The gentleman took his blazer off and draped it over the woman’s shoulders and she turned, smiling. Rising on her tip-toes, she pecked him on the cheek. My heart fell.

I wanted that—golden years. I wanted to grow old with someone. Tom’s ashen face flashed through my thoughts, his bloody body on the ER table. My breath caught in my throat. I doubted Tom banked on golden years, I bet he didn’t think about next year. I wadded up my sandwich wrapper, launched it at the trash can, and wandered out of the garden.

Determined to enjoy myself, I followed organ music to the pavilion and sat in one of the ornate white-iron seats facing the amphitheater. Couples danced and chatted to the lilting tunes. I sat with my hands in my lap, alone in the crowd of hundreds.

Later in the day, I walked along the shoreline with rolled up pants and picked up sand dollars and half shells. I kept them in the pocket of my sweatshirt and played with them while I stood on the edge of the jetty and felt the waves mist their spray over me.

I thought about Tom and what I’d seen at the club. I knew that he was probably working. The problem was I’d pictured his undercover assignment as a grittier affair. I imagined him hanging out with his buddies from the hospital all scruffy-bearded and tired. His high-end persona threw me off. That and the steamy moves he pulled on the dance floor with the blonde, made my stomach flop. He wasn’t working me. How much could I know about him after so long?

My heart ached for him, like it had for so many years after he left. How could I bear it again? I shook my head, angry that I couldn’t get away from him, even here. I shouldn’t be thinking like this. I shouldn’t be wondering about him. It wasn’t smart. It wasn’t safe, not for me.

The sun sank lower over the water, its edges blurred orange at the horizon. I breathed in the cooling salt air, letting it into my aching chest.

Ben’s warm smile flashed behind my eyes. Ben was sweet, steady, and wanted to be with me. He made it clear the night we had coffee. I buried my toes in the still-warm sand and pulled wispy tendrils of hair from my face. Ben was here to stay. He hadn’t broken my heart. Ben made me feel safe and warm.

I could learn to love him.

A woman with her two children ran up to the water line and then ran away, giggling as the wave caught their ankles. My lip trembled. Picket fences, family trips, these weren’t bad things to hope for. Why then, did it hurt me so much to think about them?

I pulled the abalone shell from my pocket and flicked the dying sunlight off of its green-blue interior. Ben didn’t make my heart ram in my chest, not like Tom. But Ben represented everything I never had as a child; stability, family, a chance to be normal. I wondered though; was choosing to accept the date with Ben and giving him encouragement, a knee-jerk defense against my strong feelings for Tom? He didn’t deserve to be strung along and I railed at myself for risking the heart of such a kind man.

Stomach in knots, I threw the shell into the incoming wave, tears drying cold on my face. I climbed back down the sandy, rough rocks and strolled towards the Inn. Waves sloshed against the shore around my ankles as I walked back. No nearer to knowing what to do, I felt more confused than before. Ben and Tom seemed like choices that would lead my life in opposite directions. Longing, loneliness, and fear crashed in over me and I clutched my stomach, willing it to stop churning.

I wrapped my sweater tighter and walked, hunched against the wind, towards the inn. These past few days had really beaten me up. Worry over Antonio’s visit, Dakota’s death and what it would do to Lilah, and now my feelings for Tom all swirled in my head leaving me dizzy and lost.

Turning, I wiped away salty tears, and let my head fall back. I stared at the pale moon just fighting its way up into the purple sky.

Confused and frightened, I closed my eyes.

Have I strayed too far, for too long? Do You remember what my whispers sound like?

Later, as I drifted off to sleep to the silent television, I had a fleeting thought that more trouble was coming.