35

 

“Aw, honey,” Lilah said and clicked her tongue. “If Ben does stick around, at least you’ll know he had prior warning that you’re nuts.”

She sat across from me at the small kitchen table and shoved a plate of butter crackers in my direction.

I snorted a laugh and tried not to spit out my tea. “Yeah.”

Ben left as soon as he could, muttering something about his shift starting in an hour. I didn’t blame him.

“What was he even doing here?” I asked Lilah.

“The poor guy was just picking up overtime working guard duty outside.” Lilah shook her head. “He had no idea you were coming here, or that you’d break-up with your…whatever Tom was, in front of him. He just went out to the garage to grab a nap.”

“I’m such a horrible person, Lilah. I think I broke both of their hearts today.”

“Stop brooding,” Lilah said and poured more honey in my cup. “You’re not horrible; a whirling vortex of emotion and contradictions, yes…but not horrible.” She patted my hand.

“How are you, Lilah?” I asked quietly. “I’m so sorry about Dakota.”

She tried to smile but it just came off as a sad grimace. “I’ll be OK. We-we’ll get through. I’m OK until I think about it, so I don’t think about it. Not yet.”

“Yeah,” I muttered and looked at the three DEA agents sitting in the other room. “Where’s Brooklyn?”

“No idea. He split right after we got here; climbed right out the window.”

“You’re kidding.” Shocked, I shook my head. “Did you know he was going to do that?”

“He didn’t say anything to me, but I know him. He has claustrophobia; no way was he going to stay cooped up in a box with a bunch of cops.” Lilah picked at the peeling Formica tabletop and nodded towards the garage. “So tell me what happened in there?”

“I don’t know where to begin, Lilah.”

“How about how you know him and why you tried to hide that fact from me at the hospital,” she said and looked at me.

Of course she knew. She wasn’t dumb. She’d given me space and privacy. I leaned back in my chair. “I met him when I was fifteen at Dresden Heights Detention Center.”

Lilah nodded, she knew about Dresden. I’d told her about being there, just not why I’d left. “H-he was so, well you’ve seen him. Imagine being lost and scared and someone like Tom comes along and not only protects you in a horrible place, but loves you despite what you think of yourself.”

“I can see that he’d be a hard habit to break.” She handed me a tissue from the box on the counter. “Why do you even want to?”

“Something…happened at Dresden. A kid died, and Tom and I were blamed.” I stirred the honey on the bottom of my cup, not looking up. “Things fell apart after, and Tom disappeared. One day he was my whole world, the next he was gone.”

“And you’re afraid of losing him again?”

“I’m terrified. I can’t explain how he makes me feel, Lilah.” I looked at her with tears in my eyes. “I-I can’t breathe when I’m around him. He pulls me around like gravity, always did.”

“You want to give that up?” Lilah looked at me from under raised eyebrows.

“I don’t want to risk feeling like I did when he left. I never want to go back down into that pit again. I almost didn’t crawl out of it.” My heart ached and I had to breathe in slowly just to keep from crying again. “I’m not sure I can survive loving Tom.”

Sipping tea from her spoon, Lilah looked at me with furrowed brows. “It’s clear that Ben’s a great guy, but he’s not what Tom is to you.”

“Ben is the right choice. He’s someone I can build a future with, grow old with, right?”

“Ruby,” Lilah said and reached for my hand. “You know I love you, right?”

“Nothing good ever starts like that, Lilah,” I moaned.

“Well, listen anyway, OK?”

I nodded, afraid to look at her. “Sure.”

“Sweetie, you are a wonderful woman, a catch. But Ben is not your consolation prize. He deserves more than that, don’t you think?”

“He’s not…” I didn’t finish because it was true.

“You can’t have what you want with Tom, so you’ll settle for having it with Ben? That’s not happiness, Ruby. That’s you trying to do things on your own.”

“I didn’t mean to treat Ben that way.”

“Oh, I know, Sweetie. But I think you’re so afraid of trusting God again, that you’re frantically trying to do things yourself, and to be honest…I think you’re getting in the way.”

“Getting in the way…of what?”

“Did you ever consider that Tom is back in your life for a reason? That maybe the pain of your past and the fear for your future are tied up in your issues with him? This could be your chance to fix whatever sent you into hiding.”

“I’m not hiding.”

“You’ve been hiding for so long that you probably don’t even see that you’re doing it anymore, but you are hiding.” Lilah clicked her tongue. “Don’t look at me like that, Ruby. Not one date, not one friend other than me, and I work for you, not one personal relationship in all the years I’ve known you…and you’re not hiding? Come on.”

“I’m busy,” I tried, but the look on her face said she didn’t buy it any more than I did. “I have a lot of patients.”

“You’re hiding. The shadows and alleys are just as much a home to you as the kids you help,” Lilah said quietly. “I watch you deprive yourself and sacrifice and can’t help but think you’re trying to perform some sort of penance.”

My stomach lurched. How could she see this in me? Hadn’t I done all the right things? Didn’t I have a degree and a selfless job? Shouldn’t my guilt be obscured by my shining accomplishments by now?

“Lilah, I…” I didn’t know what to say and was afraid I’d start to cry.

“Ruby, you said that you feel like you’ve drifted so far from your faith that you can’t find your way back, right?”

“I have, Lilah. I just can’t believe like I did as a kid. I just…” Shrugging, I wiped my face with the tissue and sniffled. The ache in my heart for that peace and confidence threatened to overwhelm me. “I don’t know how to get back to that anymore…or if God even wants me after turning my back on Him for so long.”

“Ah, Ruby—” Lilah tried. “As a Father, God always longs for His children to return, no matter what.”

I stood and headed out of the kitchen. “I-I have to go.” Confusion and sadness welled, and I ran from the table not wanting to fall apart in front of Lilah.

I passed the DEA agents on the couch, all three making it a point to not look up. The silence and tense faces told me they’d heard every word.

Heart pounding, I locked myself in one of the bedrooms and leaned against the cool wall. Silent sobs shook my body, and I struggled to breathe. Sinking onto the floor, I wrapped arms around my knees, rocking.

Maybe this is what it feels like when God forgets about you.