37

 

The scenes in my dream flipped in rapid succession, like a movie on silent fast forward. I saw myself in front of my ruined car, walking through the wrecked clinic, and nailing up the plywood over the front windows. Talking to Mike the security guard in the parking lot with the paint splashed everywhere, glowing red under a bright yellow moon, I watched the flashes with startling calm.

I turned my head, and I was in the clinic with Tom, watching in slow motion, as his face registered shock at the fireball flying at us. I felt the room jerk and swirl and suddenly I was outside the clinic, watching fiery bottles slam against the plywood windows, not going in. Then Tom and I were running down the hall, the fire licking at the walls but not touching us, never coming close.

An intense wind swirled around me, a silent tornado spinning me in circles. I stopped on a dime, instantly still, as I watched two boys going through Dakota’s car, looking for something. My address. Angry, they brought guns up and fire flew out of them. I covered my eyes.

Another pull, deep in my core, and I rushed through waves of heat. I opened my eyes and saw that I stood in the shelter. All around me, mothers and children moved in slow motion, silently laughing and heading towards the back of the building. The front door opened achingly slow, and I stared, panting at the approaching dark cloud.

Fear boiled in my gut and I felt a scream well up, but a hand wrapped around my waist to pull me away. Tiny’s hands yanked me from the cloud, bringing me towards another door, a bright light. Behind us, the cloud receded. Billowing backwards frantically, it sucked itself back out of the door of the shelter.

Tiny walked with me, and we took the room with us, spinning it like a whirling merry-go-round. Faster and faster we twirled, making me dizzy. Stopping suddenly, we stood in the Sports Medicine Wing. I saw myself wrapping Darnell’s arm. Beyond me, the dark cloud churned and slid across the walls; hungry for me.

My heart ramped up, dread squeezing as I watched my dream-self continue, oblivious. The cloud coalesced into the form of a man. Running, he fired his gun at me. The scene jerked forward in flip book snapshots, the bullets tearing through the room in clear, rippling paths towards me. They missed as Paul pulled me down. I stared, shocked as the rounds hissed by just a hair’s breadth from my temple. The cloud, receded again, swirling violently away, chased by Paul.

I watched, my heart hammering, as the room spun again. The wind whipped me in circles as walls rose up from the ground. I stopped abruptly, everything silent and still. I heard my breath in my head, rapid, uncontrolled.

Looking around, I saw Sheila sitting at her desk in my old home, her body lit from within. Next to her, a bowl of brilliant green sea glass sparkled with reflected light. Longingly, I walked towards her, and she looked up at me and smiled. Overwhelming happiness washed over me and I reached a hand out to her.

Her voice echoed softly in my head. “This is a choosing moment, Ruby.”

 

****

 

I woke up with a gasp. My breath came in hitches against the lump in my throat. I hugged the pillow and stared at the ceiling with blurry eyes. Understanding seeped slowly into my thoughts.

Every disaster these past few weeks, every one, served to shield me from a worse fate. Losing my apartment kept me safe from being attacked in it. My windows vandalized, needing plywood, stopped the worst of the firebombs from incinerating Tom and I. The kidnapping saved me from Antonio’s attack at the shelter, and again at the hospital.

Trembling, I shook my head, overwhelmed with the realization that I had been so, so wrong. All the times I’d cried out in my heart, terrified that I was lost, I’d been in His hands. A Psalm from my childhood, a verse I’d clung to at Dresden, flitted through my mind.

If I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me; Your right hand will hold me fast.

I’d believed these words before. Years ago, in a deep darkness, when sorrow and fear threatened to overwhelm, I believed. After all these years, I knew how I made it through that terrible time.

Uncertainty rocked my heart. A looming crossroad raced towards me. If things got worse, could I believe like I once did, or would I let anger and sorrow rip me from my Father’s arms for good?

I padded across the dark room, the worn carpet scratching my bare feet. I slipped my hand on the doorknob, turning it silently. Heart in my throat, I listened over the pounding in my head. The sound of the television floated from the dimly lit living room. There was no way to get past the agents. One was always awake.

A tap at the window sent me whirling to face my bedroom. Gnarled tendrils from the tree just outside squeaked as the wind swayed the branches against the glass. Remembering Brooklyn’s escape I bit my lip, debating.

“Just go, Ruby,” I whispered to myself. “Do it now.”

I crossed to the bed, arranged the pillows to resemble a person snuggled under the covers, and threw my clothes back on. The window opened easily, without a sound. Carefully I pulled the screen into the room and leaned out the window. The drop wasn’t far. I checked my pocket for phone and money. With a final held breath, I dropped out of the window and onto the dirt.

I ran across the yard, scaling the wood fence, and hoping the next yard didn’t have a dog. Breath ragged, I ran across the grass in the dark. I tripped on something, went to my knees, and pain flared up my leg. Ignoring it, I climbed the opposite fence, gritting through the hitch in my side. Landing on the other side with a thud, I looked back, listening.

Nothing.

I limped to the sidewalk and towards the bus stop while I dug in a pocket for my phone. Navigating the online phone directory, I called for a taxi and gave them the cross street. I sat on the bus bench waiting for my ride, bitter adrenaline stinging my tongue. I hoped I could remember where the apartment was.

The cab dropped me off just outside the driveway and I paid without speaking. Passing the dumpsters, I walked up the concrete stairs. Almost losing my nerve, I had to stop from turning away by grabbing the rail with both hands. I’d made it this far.

Taking a breath, I walked up to the door, hoping I’d guessed the right one, and knocked.

Footsteps within stopped at the door and I saw a flicker of light as the peep hole was covered. Panting away the panic, I smiled with as much confidence I could. The chain clanked against wood as the door opened.

Tom’s bright green eyes looked at me with slack-jawed shock. “Ruby, what are you doing here?”