My entrance caused most eyes to turn my way, except those belonging to the elderly man in the back, who squinted at the books in front of him. I watched as Katherine headed to a little boy who was sitting in her reading corner.“Well, Savannah, good morning. I think I’m going to offer you a part-time job. You’re here almost as much as I am.”
I closed the door behind me. “Too much time on my hands. But that will change come Monday.”
“Is that when you officially begin your new job?”
“Yes, and my first story is due Tuesday.”
“Well, tell me all about it,” she said, patting the stool next to her behind the counter. “And did you find you some reporter clothes?”
“I’m not sure I even know what reporter clothes are, but I found some clothes to wear to the newspaper and at least act like a reporter.”
“So what’s your first story going to be?”
I had prepared myself for this question on my walk over . This was why I had come.“Well, all the details haven’t been worked out yet. So, I’m really not certain at the moment. I’ve got to do some more research and make sure all the facts are accurate.”
“Well, that’s wise of you, Savannah.”The squinty, elderly man made his way to the cash register with a large-print book in hand. I could tell by the way he squinted at the bills in his wallet that this checkout would take a while.
The magazine rack was nearby. I picked up a couple of magazines to add to Paige’s library while Katherine waited for the gentleman to exit. He packed up book and billfold, and I paid for Paige’s literary advancement.“Well, I hope you have a great night, Katherine. I’ve been snookered into some rather interesting activities myself.”
“Did you just say snookered?”
“I’m absolutely certain I did not just say snookered.”
“So what is your big activity?”
“Oh, there’s a pageant up the road, and the reigning Miss Savannah United States of America, who is certain I’m her new best friend, wants me to attend. I haven’t been to one in years. So, it will be interesting to see what happens. Have you ever been to a pageant?” I asked. I am shameless.
“I’ve gone to a few in my time. But not for many years. I’m sure you’ll have an interesting time. Come back and see me soon.” She closed the register, patted my hand, and headed to the back of the store.
“OK,” I said, trying not to sound deflated. I whispered to her disappearing back,“But if you get bored and want to come along, let me know.” A few tourists, who had dressed, well, just wrong, watched my departure. Who knew how they could justify such attire, but they did.
Sergeant Millings was on West Harris Street at Madison Square, writing up a ticket for a shiny blue bicycle leaning against a light pole.“Hello, Sergeant Millings. Heard you saw Paige the other day.”
“Gave her a ticket, all right . That little thing flittin’ round here doin’ thirty-five in a twenty. She shouldn’t even have a car. You kids ought to ride the trolley or somethin’.”
I stopped in front of the bike.“Yeah, I know. So why are you giving a bicycle a ticket? I’m certain it wasn’t exceeding the speed limit.”
“Are you trying to be smart, Miss Savannah?” he asked, looking up from his notepad.
“Now, have you ever known me to act smart?” I asked, smiling from ear to ear as I continued past him.“Now, you have a wonderful afternoon, you hear?” About the time I approached Drayton Street, the cries of one bicycle boy pierced the everyday noise. There was no need to turn around to watch his curls bounce in the wind.
Miss Amazon Amber had left directions no fewer than four times on the voice mail. I erased them all right before my departure in hopes no others would be left for my family to retrieve.
At the Hinesville High School Auditorium, the princess of pink came cascading down the steps to meet me. Her pink pantsuit was complemented by the tiara sitting atop her blanched tresses. There were as many rhinestones on her suit as her tiara. I was sure my subtle attire of blue jeans and leather jacket would be appreciated by overstimulated observers. She scampered and sparkled toward me, calling out my name for every entering entourage to hear.“Ooh, Savannah, we’ve got to hurry . You do not want to miss the opening number,” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me inside.“I’ve got your ticket, and Trina and Tina,my good friends— of course I just call them the twins—well, they’re saving us a seat.”
“Yea!” I said, clapping my hands together in feigned excitement.
The auditorium was abuzz. Faces were flying everywhere. Pictures of women’s heads had been stapled or taped atop paint stirrers and people were waving them all around like bad Home Depot advertisements. We made our way to our seats, which were close enough to the judges to read their scorecards. I prayed no one would know me. Our seating companions, Trina and Tina, were adorned in splendor as well. Trina’s tiara hailed from Sandersville, Georgia, and Tina earned hers in Swainsboro.“Hey!” they sang in unison.
Sure of the fact I would never say “hey” again as long as I lived, I said,“Hello.”
“Oh,Amber, she’s just as cute as you said she was,”Trina—or was it Tina?—exclaimed. There was no way I was capable of spending the evening figuring out which was which. “Yes, you are, Savannah. You’re just cute as pie. And you look just like your mother.”
“Yeah, we all just love Miss Victoria,” they said, finishing each other’s sentences. I was like a spectator at a tennis tournament.
The curtain rose, whisking us away into the wonderful world of waving and whipping. Whipping was the term I created for young ladies as they came to the edge of the runway and whipped themselves back around. “Ooh, she shouldn’t have worn those tacky shoes with that dress,” Amber said as she leaned over to my ear.“I don’t know who told that child strappy was in, but she looks like Elvira.”
Then Tina or Trina chimed in and said, “Oh, my goodness. Would you looka there? Tinisha Tettweiller has entered herself in another pageant. That child has competed in twenty-four preliminaries in the past two years. She should just stop.”
I hoped they didn’t truly know how many pageants Tinisha had been in. The fact that they were counting would be far more disturbing than Tinisha’s obsessive-compulsive pageant disorder. When swimsuit started, I couldn’t help but ask, “Where did she get those?”
Amber leaned over.“Honey, that’s what we call taping.”
“Taping?”
“Some girls have cleavage by natural graces. And others have to create their own. They just lift those babies up, tape ’em underneath, and voilà—you’ve got cleavage.”
Why am I here? I slumped even further into my chair.
“Honey, you think that’s bad,” Amber continued, not noticing my discomfort. “I’ve seen girls tape their entire stomachs!”
I turned to stare at her in disbelief, but the commentary continued for the next two and a half hours.
As fifteen ladies competed in swimsuit, I endured talk of thighs, taped parts, and cellulite. For talent, I tolerated commentary on pitch, poor choices of songs, and bad Barbra Streisand impersonations. And for evening gown, those three girls were downright shameless. They ripped those poor girls apart for wearing velvet in May or insufferable shades of purple. One girl could be seen only from the nose up because of the boa that flanked the top of her purple velvet dress. Throughout the evening, a petite brunette,who sang the tar out of “Quiet Please, There’s a Lady on Stage” and donned, shall we say, a stunning dress that looked to be hand crocheted, captured the audience’s attention and applause. Even Amber and Friends seemed to like her.
While the trio was captivated by what was going on onstage, I turned my attention to the judges and their interaction with the auditors. And as the late-forties, overmanufactured hostess bantered and babbled to kill time, the auditors feverishly tallied the scores in full view of the audience.
When the hostess declared it was time to announce the winner, a young, tall drink of water named Lancy took home second runner-up honors. Tinisha was going to have to live with the title of first runner-up and another notch on her tally. And the petite brunette named Valerie was declared the winner. Being the novice I was, it seemed the proper lady had won. As far as I could tell, Hinesville could rest tonight knowing its pageant wasn’t rigged.
Amber took me by the arm and escorted me from the building.“ Well, did you enjoy yourself or what? Have you ever had so much fun in your entire life? I’m telling you, I could go to one of these a night!”
“Oh,well,wouldn’t that be exciting? I’m afraid that might just send me over the edge though. I mean, how could a girl stand such a ruckus every night? Those people got wild in there,” I said, politely extricating myself from her embrace.
“You should see it when they get nasty. That’s when it gets really good. When mamas are yelling at each other across the auditorium, and daddys want to meet in the parking lot. Oh, girl, Hollywood couldn’t write things as good as I’ve seen over the years. So what did you think about the winner?”
“I thought she was cute. She seemed like she was the best on the stage to me.”
“She’s a little short, though. It’s hard to distribute all that weight when you’ve got less of an area of distribution.”
“She didn’t look like she had much weight on her at all.”
“Well, she wore a black bathing suit. And you know what they say about black bathing suits.”
“I’m certain I have no idea.”
“You only wear black when you’re trying to cover up something. So, we’ll see how she looks when we get to Miss Georgia United States of America.”
“Do you ever get tired of saying that entire phrase?”
“No, not really.”
“What do you say we shorten it?”
“What did you have in mind?” She looked at me as if I might be close to committing some form of sacrilege.
“Nothing major. I just thought maybe we could call it Miss Georgia US of A.”
“No, I don’t think that would be appropriate,” she said, heading toward her car.
“Are you serious?” I asked, stopping in the middle of the parking lot.
“Yes, I am. Women spend years trying to achieve such an honor. I think it cheapens their efforts not to give them the courtesy of announcing their complete title.”
“Well, I will hereby take note of such an argument.”
“Thank you, and I will take note of your desire to be proficient.” I knew she meant efficient, but there was no point in correcting her. “Now, I’ve got to head to the victory party up the street at the mayor’s house. All the queens are invited. Sure you don’t want to come?”
“Oh,well, I would love to, but I’ve got such an early morning.”
“OK,well, I’ll see you for lunch on Tuesday,” she unlocked the doors to her Mercedes coupe with the click of a button.
“Oh, yeah,Tuesday!” I said under my breath, inserting my key into Old Betsy and giving the door a tug.
“Don’t forget!” she said, climbing into her plush car.
“I wouldn’t dare,” I said, straightening my cushion so I wouldn’t fall to the floorboard.