I used the twenty-five-minute drive from the Savannah airport to listen to my Jonathan Pierce CD. He was a cutie, that one. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was married. But a guy like that wouldn’t want a newspaper writer from Savannah who was doing her first story on a rigged beauty pageant.
On the outskirts of town, I picked up my cell phone and checked my messages. There were three. The first was from Vicky, telling me what was for dinner, saying she hoped I got home safely, and that we would talk later. I had no doubt. The second message was from Paige, wanting to get together for dinner. And the third message was from Gregory, wanting to know how my encounter had gone. He left his number.
I wasn’t about to address Vicky any sooner than necessary, so I decided to call Gregory. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hello.”
“Is this Mr. Grisham?”
He laughed.“You couldn’t afford him so you had to settle for me, remember?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. You’re the cheap attorney.”
“So go ahead. What happened? I’ve been waiting all afternoon for you to call me.”
“Well, I don’t know that anything was accomplished, but I laid it out there like you told me to.”
“What was their reaction?”
“Mr. Cummings had none. He just stared a hole through me. Mrs. Cummings stopped her yard work long enough to turn around, but I didn’t get more than a stare from her either. They are a stoic couple.”
“All you could do was lay your evidence out there. Now you’re going to have to play the waiting game. Even lawyers have to endure this type of thing.”
“I’m not a lawyer, remember. I’m a journalist. No, I’m not even a journalist. I don’t know what I am. But I know what I’m about to be: a tour guide wearing fifty layers of crinoline, melting makeup, and a bonnet that no self-respecting woman should be forced to don. How is it possible that I have already descended from published author to Scarlett O’Hara reject? I ask you, how is such a thing humanly possible?”
“At least you’re positive.”
“Oh, I am? You call that scenario positive?”
“Yes, you have a career to fall back on. Most put all of their hopes into one thing. But not you. You are a multifaceted individual with many gifts. If you can’t write about Savannah, you can just tell people about Savannah.” He laughed himself into a tizzy.
“I’m glad you find my life so amusing.”
Gregory collected himself.“I believe you will probably have a phone call by Monday.”
“You really think so?”
“I absolutely think so. I know you did extremely well. Were you nervous?”
“I was until she called me ‘Savannah from Savannah.’Then all nerves vanished and I was ready for the kill.”
“They’ll call. I don’t know what they’ll tell you,but they will call.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Let’s get us some dinner and those key-lime, I-needto-marry- that-man squares.”
“You are sad.”
“Yes, I know. Then we’ll watch Law & Order,” Paige said from the other end.
“Ooh, yeah. I need to sharpen my skills, plus it will keep me from going home. I’ll be there around six.”
I retrieved dinner, made a fool of myself trying to catch a glimpse of the chef ’s left hand, and was headed back to the car when I heard the familiar siren.“Savannah! Yoo-hoo, Savannah!”
There she was, Miss Amber Topaz, waving as if from a runway on the opposite side of the street. She had to be stalking me. If I hadn’t looked up so quickly, I would have tried to pretend I hadn’t heard her holler my name. But dumb me had looked.
I waved as nonchalantly as possible, hoping my open car door would give her the signal I was headed somewhere. It didn’t faze her a bit. Direct insults probably wouldn’t faze her either, unless they were related to her clothing, hair, or makeup. She came to an abrupt halt right in front of my trunk. “Hey, Savannah. I just keep running into you all over the place. I think this has to be another sign that you and I are just destined to be lifelong friends. Don’t you?”
I sat down in the driver’s seat and placed dinner on the passenger’s side, then put my keys in the ignition, trying to look hurried. “Well, we have seen each other a lot lately.”
“Are we still on for Tuesday? I love The Lady & Sons and thought that would be a great place for us to go and tell each other more stories about our lives. And drink sweet tea until we burst,” she said, patting me on the leg.
Turning the car on, I said, “I might have to reschedule our lunch. I’ve run into a few deadlines and I’m trying to make sure I have my first article ready to go to press by Tuesday. So we might have to play lunch by ear, if that’s OK.”
“Oh, sure. We have the rest of our lives to have lunches. But I’ll keep in touch with you just to make sure you’re not working too hard,” she said in that mock voice of concern, giving me another irritating pat. “So, did you enjoy looking at my program books? Weren’t some of those girls just ghastly?”
“I thought all the girls were rather attractive. But I can’t stay and chat, I’ve got a dinner appointment that I have to get to.”
“Well, I just think some of those girls look like they’ve been rode hard and put up wet. You know that’s an old saying in the South.”
“Yes, I think I’ve heard of that one.”
“I mean, in that book I gave you there were girls who couldn’t even win the Miss Fried Okra Pageant, but somehow they made it to Miss Georgia United States of America. I figure they were the only ones who even competed in their local pageants. Some people’s parents should just tell them, ‘Honey, you’re not really right for pageants; why don’t we put you in mud-wrestling. With those thighs you could beat anybody.’You know what I’m saying?”
“Actually, I don’t. And, not to be rude, but I have an appointment, and if I don’t leave, I’m going to be extremely late,” I said.
“Oh, OK. Well, I’ve got to go too. I have a mock interview rehearsal,” she said, standing to her feet.
Before I could catch myself, I said,“What’s a mock interview rehearsal?” I was now officially the biggest idiot in Georgia. It is one thing to be an unwilling participant in lunacy, but it is another thing altogether to become a willing one
She began like a whirlwind, arms flailing, hands patting, eyes sparkling, voice dancing.“Oh, Savannah, mock interview rehearsal is the most awesome thing. I get all three of my aunts and my mother and my stepmother, and for about two hours they bombard me with every type of question, from who the president is to how many pairs of shoes Imelda Marcos has.”
“Imelda, huh?”
“Yeah, she’s my favorite world leader. Then, they ask me what my thoughts are on everything from world peace and universal health care to what my favorite song is and why I named my dog Aqua Marine Lewis.”
I did prevent myself from asking why she named her dog Aqua Marine Lewis. Instead, I put the car in park and leaned back in my seat. My watch read five forty-five. Paige’s was only two minutes away. Surely she would be through in ten minutes. Wouldn’t she?
I stared at her moving lips, realizing I might be forced to run her over. But I would at least be willing to write her obituary. “Miss Cubic Zirconia Childers was killed graciously by Miss Savannah Phillips after Ms. Phillips was tortured mercilessly for thirty minutes by the beauty-pageant junkie. In lieu of flowers, please send cash donations to the Miss Georgia United States of America Pageant for new opening-number outfits. Every dress will be emblazoned with precious stones symbolizing the precious jewel that Miss Childers was to all of us.”
As I rested my eyes, she continued her lesson in interviewing techniques.“See, at the pageant—you know those five judges you saw at the pageant the other night?”
I nodded.
“Well, during interview, they sit in front of you at a big long table and for ten minutes they shoot you with questions and you answer them as rehearsed, yet as natural as possible, of course. They have a bio on each of the girls that they get before the pageant begins. Sometimes they ask you questions off your bio, and other times they ask you whatever comes off the tops of their heads. I’ve seen girls leave interviews crying. The judges asked such tough questions they couldn’t hardly answer any of them. Then the next girl will go in and come out all smiles, saying it was the easiest thing she has ever done.”
“Hmm,” I said, keeping my eyes closed.
“One girl got asked a question one time about what she would do to reform the EPA. Poor girl didn’t even know what it was. She thought EPA stood for the Equal Protection for Animals, and she went on for two minutes talking about how she felt that every cow, duck, frog, and cat should be treated with the same respect as people. Then she gave four solutions, declaring that her plan would make the system better. She said the only thing the judge said was, ‘I’m sure it would honey, I’m sure it would.’” When her roommate informed her that EPA stood for the Environmental Protection Agency, the poor girl walked straight into the bathroom and tossed her cookies. Her mother took her home that night. I’m telling you, you have to be prepared for anything.”
“For anything,” I agreed, nodding my head. And that was when I made my move. I reached out my hand, grabbed the doorknob, looked her squarely in the eye, and said,“I have to leave now. I’m sorry. But we’ll talk this week.”
“OK. Always great to talk to you. I love hearing all about you. You’re just the neatest person,” she said with a Vaseline-slathered-on-your-teeth kind of grin. “I’ll talk to you soon. Toodeloo,” and she skipped into the dusk. It was a wretched sight, but she nevertheless caught the attention of an elderly gentleman in the car across the street. He almost took out a fire hydrant. His wife slapped him with her purse.