THE DISTINGUISHED TERRORIST FROM MASSACHUSETTS

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20, 2004

“This is not funny!” Jon Pruitt growled into his phone from his office at the Department of Homeland Security. A group of senior DHS officials stood around him, nervously shifting their feet.

He heard the uncontrollable squealing of Scooter Libby on the other end. “It’s actually hilarious! You couldn’t make it up! I’m about to brief the Vice President and he’ll love this! He needs a good laugh!”

What Libby found funny was that day’s disclosure that Senator Ted Kennedy had been detained at airport security five times because his name was on the terrorist watch list. Which, in some quarters of the White House, was not a snafu. It was probable cause. This was Ted Kennedy, after all.

Pruitt felt that twinge in his stomach as if Cheney’s mysterious grip on almost everything in Washington somehow included his intestines. He wondered whether this was an innocent mistake or one of those Cheneyesque power plays. If we can’t beat Ted Kennedy at the polls, let’s strip search him at the Delta Shuttle! He took a breath, scanned his desk for some Tums, and sought to control his voice. “I don’t think you appreciate the problem here. This reflects poorly on our entire system. The American people must have confidence in the ability of their government to tell the difference between a Senator from Massachusetts and a terrorist from Afghanistan.”

Same difference, thought Libby. But he saw Pruitt’s point. “Okay, okay. So what do you propose we do? Maybe the President should ask for a Joint Session of Congress so he can formally apologize to Ted Kennedy. Is that it?”

“No. But Asa Hutchinson will apologize. Publicly. Today.”

Libby was fine with that. Hutchinson was a former Republican Congressman from Arkansas who jumped from anonymity in the House to anonymity at the DHS. His title was Undersecretary, so as a matter of Beltway protocol, this wasn’t actually an apology. It was an under-apology.

“Hutchinson’s fine. Just make sure he reminds the American people that we are trying to protect them from the enemy. Terrorists. Jihadists. Liberals!”

The last thing Pruitt heard was a burst of laughter, and the click of the phone.