I flipped my pen back and forth between my fingers as Ms. Chen passed back the first graded quiz of the year.
For some reason, this quiz weighed heavily on my mind. I needed to have done well so I could start out strong and prove that I was not some pitiful basket case. I did not need to be coddled, and I didn’t need special treatment. I was just as intelligent as my peers, if not more so.
Ms. Chen went down the stack in her hands, then walked up to my desk with a smile as she laid the test on my desk.
“Good job, Priya,” she said, but I had to see the score for myself in order to gauge how well I did.
I looked at the number and couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my lips.
A big “98%” was circled in red at the top of the page. I let out a sigh.
“Damn, that was a hard one. I barely passed,” one of the boys behind me said, and I felt my pride and self-confidence grow.
“She’s a cheater. Cheater. Cheater,” a masculine voice said from behind me.
I looked around the room, back at the two boys talking. The voices were masculine, but when I looked at the boys, they were looking down at their tests. Not at me.
“Milk, cheese, eggs. Milk, cheese, eggs.”
“She’s cheating trash. Trash. Trash. Trash.”
The voices sounded like they were coming from all the students around me. They were a mix of masculine and feminine, harsh and harmless. They were muffled in a way that made me want to check if my phone was producing the sounds. I began to feel anxious and fidgety, as if I had to go for a run to escape the voices.
Priya, are you breathing?
I faced the front of the room as I slid a little in my chair and tried to calm myself with deep breathing exercises I had learned from Avery.
Inhale. One.
Exhale. Two.
Inhale. Three.
Exhale. Four.
I counted every breath I took until I counted ten and found myself relaxed and ready for the rest of the class, no voices to be heard.
I stared at the clothes Elli set out on my bed. She was still rifling through my closet as I picked up and examined the skimpy top I’d forgotten I even had in my wardrobe.
“Baby girl, you have some awesome shit in here. Why don’t you wear something like this?” she asked, as she pulled out the embroidered navy blue blouse of one of my lehengas.
“Because that’s for an Indian outfit.”
“I still don’t understand why it’s okay for you to wear this to weddings, but your mom freaks out when you wear something similar to other events. If you wore this with high-waisted jeans, you’d probably show off less skin than if you wore this with the skirt.”
I shrugged. “Remind me again why I’m letting you take me to a party?” I asked as I started to change into the clothes she’d laid out on my bed, starting with the black denim shorts.
“Because I made the varsity water polo team, and because you did well on your first quiz,” she said plainly.
“But neither of those are unexpected nor amazing accomplishments.” I picked up one of the crop tops that Elli had picked out and slid it over my head. It was pale green with a knotted detail in the front.
“Stop trying to ruin the fun. Your mom is gone again on business until Sunday night. Just enjoy being a teenager for once, will you? Remember your checklist?” she said as she came out of the closet.
I stared at her and instantly hated myself for putting that goal on there. The very first goal was to go to a party. I had never been to a party with my classmates. I had never been allowed to, and it felt like a very high school teenager thing to do. That’s probably why my clinicians put it on my list.
“Yes, I remember, but I don’t know if I’m ready for it.” I turned to look at the mirror on my closet door.
The person in the mirror was not me. She was wearing clothes that were too scandalous—I was surprised I even owned those clothes. The person in the mirror looked like a teenager, and I did not feel much like a teenager.
“Come on, Priya, it’s one of the easier things to do on that checklist. You aren’t gonna drink because you’re driving us home after, and I’ll stay with you the entire time—well, until you’re ready to be on your own. And if that time never comes tonight, that’s totally fine,” she said. I saw her reassuring shrug and smile reflected in the mirror.
I looked back at myself, looked at the way I was dressed, and sighed.
Dimitri would have laughed if he saw me in this outfit.
But Dimitri isn’t here, Priya. It’s time to move on.
“What about my makeup?” I asked hesitantly as I turned back to Elli.
Her jaw fell open for a few seconds before she put it back in place.
“Whoa, never thought you would be okay with that,” she said, clasping her hands together, “but I have the perfect idea for your face tonight.”
The house we went to belonged to one of the guys on the water polo team. It was quite large and filled to the brim with people.
I stared at the house, looking at the scantily clad girls. I felt so ashamed that for once, I might have fit in. I unconsciously pulled at the hem of my shorts and wrapped my cardigan closer around my body even though I was burning up, but Elli grabbed my hand in hers.
“No! Bad Priya. You look hot, okay? Just let yourself be hot for once.” She grabbed my cardigan and began pulling it off my body.
“Um, excuse you!” I wailed as she got me out of the cardigan and tossed it into the car before closing her door and pulling me toward the entrance to the party.
“Elli, I hate you,” I whispered, but she laughed as soon as the words left my mouth.
Her hearing was impeccable.
As we walked through the party, people greeted her. Many of them were guys, and most of them I didn’t know.
“Yo! Elli! You finally made it,” a guy in Bermuda shorts and a tank top said. Elli stopped walking and pulled me to stand next to her.
“What up, Evan? Nice place. Have you met Priya?” she asked and I side-eyed her, aghast.
“Nah. What’s up, Priya?”
I gave a head nod and smiled. “’Sup, Evan?”
Evan smiled back before looking at Elli and stepping closer to her. He began making small talk with her, inching forward in a way that would cut me off from Elli before long.
Back up, buddy!
She gripped my hand tighter and smiled at Evan.
“We’re going to go get a drink! See ya later,” she said, and she dashed off, tugging me behind her.
When we got to the kitchen, my heart was racing. There was a reason I’d never wanted to go to parties in the past, even if my mom wouldn’t have let me go anyway. There were way too many people I didn’t know here. It reminded me of the Indian weddings my mom sometimes dragged me to. Whenever my cousins, sister, or friends weren’t there, my anxiety would go up. I felt on edge, like I should have been doing something, mostly dancing, but all I felt was bored.
This time, I felt out of place and anxious as I looked around and saw that there was alcohol all over the kitchen and bodies everywhere. I heard too many voices, from the speakers and from the people around me, and I didn’t know anyone at this party. My senses and brain were working on overdrive, double checking every sound I heard and making sure it was real. The only good part of all the commotion was if a voice or person seemed too out of place, the crowd and sights drowned them out. However, that didn’t drown out my feeling of needing to stay busy or active.
I turned to look at Elli, not even realizing she had let go of my hand, and saw she was downing a shot with a group of people I didn’t know.
“Whoo!” she exclaimed after, laughing with two of the girls in the group.
So much for sticking with me the entire time.
“Priya?” I heard someone yell my name over the music. It was a familiar, masculine voice, and I immediately went on defense. There was no one I knew at this party, other than Elli. There was no way someone here knew me.
Dimitri? Or Stephan?
“Priya!” I heard the voice again and instantly turned to run, but that just planted me face first into some guy’s chest. The guy wrapped his arms around me as soon as I hit his chest, either to stabilize me or hug me, and I yelped, both from the impact and his limbs circling me.
“Oh, shit! Sorry ’bout that. I guess I always seem to scare you.” The guy released me with a laugh, and I felt my brain hit a wall. I couldn’t think through his words, and I couldn’t figure out who he was.
He has to be an agent. He has to be a hallucination.
My head felt light from the confusion, but the room didn’t spin. It just felt like it was slowly, achingly, stretching in a way where it was thinning and closing in on me, about to crush me. The voice didn’t sound like Dimitri; the arms didn’t even feel like Dimitri, but everything about this guy felt too familiar to be real. I didn’t know any guy well enough to have them single me out at a party.
“Hey, are you okay?” the voice asked near my ear, his breath warm with a slight stench of alcohol on it, and I lurched back, my eyes clenched shut as my anxiety ratcheted higher until I felt nauseated.
Inhale. One
Exhale. Two
Inhale. Three
Exhale. Four
I felt an arm wrap around me, and I jumped in surprise, my brain fried and body sensitive from all the sensations I was taking in.
“Hey, everything okay over here?” My eyes snapped open at Elli’s voice, and I looked at her. Her voice was light and airy and a breath of fresh air, but her eyes were concerned, almost stern, as she looked at me. I was about to tell her I was hallucinating when the voice came again.
“Hey, yeah, sorry about that. I was just trying to say hi to Priya, but I don’t think she recognizes me.”
Elli squeezed my left arm, and I took in one more shaky, deep breath before looking at the guy speaking and froze with humiliation.
“Aaron?” I asked, struggling to find my voice through my anxiety and be heard over the music, despite the fact that we were all standing so close together.
Exhale. Eight
Inhale. Nine
Exhale. Ten
Aaron looked at me and smiled, his dimple appearing on the left side of his mouth.
“You know him?” Elli asked. Do you feel safe? is what she was really asking.
“Yes. We’re on the cross-country team together,” I said to Elli, feeling about seventy percent back to normal.
Elli looked at me, then looked back at Aaron with a bright smile.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Aaron. I’m Elli.”
“Hey, Elli,” Aaron looked at Elli quickly then back at me and, taking a step closer, leaned down so I could hear him. “I need some fresh air. Do you want to come with?” He gestured with his head toward the front door. I looked at him and nodded eagerly.
“Let’s go!” I said, and he smiled, extending his hand for mine. I looked at Elli, and she smiled at me in reassurance. I waved to her before gripping Aaron’s hand.
“Get some, baby girl!” she hollered after me. I blushed, following Aaron through the crowd and hoping he hadn’t heard.
When we finally made it outside, there were people chilling: vaping, drinking from red solo cups, and thankfully, talking at a normal volume. As soon as we were out of the crowd, though, I became very aware of my hand in Aaron’s. It was soothing in a way, feeling his warm but sweaty hand enveloping mine. I concentrated on it and let it be my primary thought, turning my anxiety over possibly having an episode into the kind of anxiety you get around your crush. It was the grounding object I needed to get back to one hundred percent. However, the more I dwelled on that thought, the faster I became aware that he wouldn’t want to hold my hand for too long, so I pulled it out of his grip when we settled on a spot.
I watched as Aaron glanced down at our now unlinked hands and wondered if he thought I was weird or awkward. Did I hold his hand for too long?
“I didn’t expect to see you here. How do you know Evan?” Aaron asked, looking up at me and making me look away from his gaze as my face got prickly and warm.
“I honestly don’t. Elli dragged me out here. She wanted to celebrate my score on the AP Gov quiz, and ––”
“Wait.” Aaron’s head appeared in my line of vision, his eyes wide as he bent down. “How well did you do on that quiz? Cuz I struggled.”
Instantly, I became embarrassed and looked away from him again.
I wanted to say I didn’t do that well, but I knew that if he bombed it, I would sound like that kid. The kid who always brushes off their intelligence and makes the others feel bad, but also annoyed. If he did just as well as I did, give or take, then I would sound normal. But if I said I did really well, would that sound like I was bragging?
“Um, I got a ninety-eight percent.” I looked at the ground.
“What the hell? That’s so good! I got, like, an eighty-eight! My mom was like, ‘how could you not get at least an A?’”
“Asian parent strictness, am I right?” I repeated his words back at him.
He laughed. “Well, yes, that, and she does teach the class.”
I whipped my head up to him, shocked. “Wait. Your mom is Ms. Chen?” I asked, a little louder than I intended. I winced at my own volume and shook my head. “Sorry, that was loud.”
Aaron simply laughed again. “No worries. And, yeah, she’s my mom. I guess it’s not common knowledge to people who are new to the school. You transferred, right?”
I looked up at him and shook my head slowly, preparing myself for the “weird girl” comments to come.
“Nope. I’ve been at this school for the past two years.”
“So, you transferred two years ago?” he asked.
I chuckled nervously. “Yeah, from middle school.”
“Wait… I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“I mean that I just, technically… skipped my sophomore year.” I said it softly, unable to contain a nervous smile.
“Holy shit, you’re the kid who is graduating early?” This time, it was Aaron’s turn to be shocked. I nodded as he leaned down and then stood up taller, physically unable to handle the information as he tried to put the pieces together in his head.
“What the hell, Priya? How did I not know this?” he asked, and I laughed.
“I didn’t know Ms. Chen was your mom!”
“Yeah, well, this is bigger than that! You’re that kid! You’re like a prodigy, aren’t you?”
My smile fell. I looked at the ground and sighed. “Please don’t say that. That’s why I don’t tell people.” I suddenly felt shy again.
“Oh. Did I say something wrong?” he asked, and I shook my head, shifting my weight from my left side to the right before looking back up at him.
“No. It’s just… I don’t like being known as that kid. I don’t want to be the weird freak of the school. I already have a lot on my record here. I’m just trying to finish as soon as possible. That’s the only reason I decided to graduate a year early—it’s not because I’m crazy smart—it’s because I’m crazy determined,” I finished, then realized I had sort of been ranting at him. “Sorry.”
Aaron shook his head vigorously. “Hey, you don’t have to apologize. I kinda get it. When I was younger, I was that kid, or close enough, and it sucked. Everyone wanted to copy my homework, my tests; they were asking me for help, but it was kind of like they were using me—”
“Exactly!” I said, cutting him off. Oops. “Sorry,” I said again.
Aaron laughed. “You gotta stop apologizing so much. You’re doing nothing wrong. But I get it. It’s not fun being that kid. So I take back what I said. You’re not that kid. You’re just the kid my mom told me I had to be like.”
“She did not say that!” I said, incredulous.
“I wish that were true, but yup... she did.”
I couldn’t control my laughter, and I covered my mouth, trying to be polite.
“That sucks!”
He shrugged. “I’m used to it. I’d rather be compared to you than to her dentist’s brother-in-law’s nephew, or whoever.”
I laughed unashamedly at that, and he laughed with me.
“Jeez,” I said, shaking my head. “My mom is the same way. I have an older sister, and my mom was constantly comparing me to her when I was younger—until I got better grades than her. But now, she compares me to her coworkers’ kids, and it’s annoying. Like, I don’t even know you, Jessica Preston, but I hate you.”
The baritone laughter rumbling in his chest was music to my ears. I completely forgot our surroundings. I forgot that I was at a high school party. I forgot what I was wearing, what time it was, and the fact that we were on some stranger’s lawn.
I forgot that I even had a momentary freak-out earlier.
The loud music from inside the house crept out into the night, filling our silence, and I looked around. What do all these kids’ parents do? How is everyone here allowed to go out to a party? I was only here because my mom was traveling.
The teenage lifestyle eluded me.
“This is so strange to me,” I said out loud before I could stop myself.
“What is?”
“The fact that… that there are so many kids here, drinking and partying. Like, what do their parents’ think? Why are they allowed to be here?” I asked, looking up at Aaron.
He looked at the party, then at me, and shrugged.
“Well, I told my parents that I was going to stay with a friend from cross-country. You know Cameron?”
I nodded.
“Yeah. So they have no idea I’m here. I think that many of these kids don’t have such strict parents and are just… allowed to live their lives.”
“Huh.” I looked back at the party and wondered what Elli was doing.
“What about you? How did you manage to escape tonight?”
“My mom is out of town for a few days,” I said absentmindedly, still looking around.
“What about your dad?”
“Not in the picture.” I snapped out of my daze to look up at Aaron.
He nodded down at me, and I was thankful that he didn’t pry and instead looked back at the party.
Watching him, I noticed how defined his jawline was. And how tall he was. Not as tall as Dimitri, but still tall.
Stop thinking about Dimitri.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked at the text and chuckled.
Elli: Wheraer yoi?
“I need to find Elli. I think it’s time I take her home.” I looked up at Aaron only to freeze under his gaze. He was gazing at me steadily, and for the first time, I noticed how dark and captivating his eyes were. If I looked long enough and focused hard enough, I was sure I would be able to trace every valley and crevice of his irises, even in this poor lighting.
“I’ll walk you back into the house,” he said, smiling, guiding me back through the maze of people.
I looked around every corner of the house until I found Elli playing beer pong in the backyard. She was swaying on her feet and laughing hysterically. There was a guy holding her and rubbing her arms, almost predatorily. Instantly, I felt my hackles go up.
“Hey, babe!” I said, grabbing her out of the guy’s arms.
“Priya!” She wrapped her arms around me. I looked at the guy who had been holding her. He, too, was swaying a little, but he was quickly distracted by another girl.
“Are you ready to head home?” I asked her and she smiled.
“Yurp!” She laughed. I rolled my eyes and turned with her in my arms.
Aaron was standing next to me, and I gave him an apologetic smile.
“Stop being sorry,” he said. My smile grew into a real one.
“Get home safely,” he said, and I nodded and led Elli through the backyard, out the side gate, and toward the front of the property.
“Jesus, Elli, you reek of alcohol,” I said, gagging as I got her into the passenger seat. Her head rolled back, and her eyes closed. She hummed softly.
I got into the driver’s seat and rolled down the windows to give her some air.
“You better not throw up in my car,” I warned, starting the car.
Elli simply lolled her head in response.
“I swear, if you keep drinking like this, you’re gonna have alcohol poisoning again.”
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” Elli slurred. She lifted her left arm up in an attempt to flex her bicep but ended up just swinging her arm haphazardly. I laughed, amused in spite of myself, and drove as safely and slowly as possible. I didn’t want to jostle her too much and make her carsick.
“Can hi stay at your puh-lace?” she mumbled, half asleep. I rolled my eyes.
“You think I would let you go to your place like this? You’ll probably still be drunk at eleven tomorrow morning,” I said. Elli’s mom always woke her up at eight, even on the weekends. That definitely wouldn’t be enough time.
“Thanks, baby ’url. You the best.” Her head fell to the right, hitting the window. She groaned and I couldn’t suppress my chuckle.
“You’re unbelievable.”
She whispered, “You love me,” and I smiled because I really did.