The casket was a dark cherrywood with a cream interior. It looked soft and comfortable, which I’m sure Elli would enjoy. At least, I hoped she would since her body would be remaining there for eternity.
I sat at the front of the room, right next to Elli’s mom. Mrs. Martinez was sobbing into her husband’s shoulder. My sister was sitting to my right with her arm around me, but I barely felt its weight. Everything around me was muted. The only sense working at full capacity was my vision; my eyes set on the image of my best friend lying in a coffin. Her face was saturated with heavy makeup. Her skin looked too pale and her lips too red, like a stain around her mouth. Whoever’s job it was to make her look presentable tried too hard and completely missed the essence of Elli.
“Priya.” A soft tap on my shoulder snapped me out of my spiral, and I looked at my sister. “It’s your turn to speak,” she whispered. I looked at the podium, then down at the pieces of paper that were crumpled in my hands.
I never thought I would have to do this, give someone’s eulogy, so soon.
I stood up and walked to the podium on shaky legs. My legs somehow felt like they were made of lead and Jell-O at the same time as I dragged them along. I set the paper down on the wooden block, unfolded it, and flattened it out. I looked at the people in front of me and saw my mom sitting in the seat behind my sister. I saw the faces of Elli’s distant relatives and close friends, including Amanda.
Then I looked to my left.
I saw the vessel that used to be my best friend. The vessel that, now, I could barely recognize as her. I knew it was her body, but without her spirit, it felt like it couldn’t truly be her. I couldn’t believe this body was Elli’s, and deep down, I was battling the belief that she was alive and well somewhere.
I looked at Mrs. and Mr. Martinez, knowing they would want to hear good things about their daughter. Did they want to hear about the times she held me while I cried? The times she was the only person in my life to understand things no one else ever could?
What am I going to do without you, Elli?
My hands trembled on the podium, shaking violently, no matter how hard I clenched them. I tried my best to be strong, to put on a brave face and be the support that someone, I don’t know who, but someone needed. But I was never the strong one. Elli was the strong one. She was the one who was never phased by life. She rolled with the punches. C’est la vie—that was her mantra.
Such is life, Elli… but what is life without you?
The image of her in the coffin felt like a vision in a nightmare.
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t give a speech at my best friend’s funeral. I couldn’t accept that she was gone. I couldn’t comprehend it.
I couldn’t comprehend losing again.
“Angel.”
I looked up, the back of my neck prickling like thousands of tiny needles were piercing my skin. My eyes darted all over the room trying to find the owner of the voice, that musical voice, and although I saw no one, my eyes were drawn to the bright green exit sign that lit up the corner to my right.
“Priya?” I heard my sister say, and I glanced over to see her looking at me, concerned.
I looked between her brown, confused eyes and the exit of the funeral home next to me.
My head felt light, my stomach queasy, and I began to sweat bullets as black spots appeared all over my vision.
I shook my head, trying to clear the feeling, and my eyes landed on Aaron.
He was easy to spot, sitting in the middle of the left section of chairs. He looked concerned, seemingly about to come out of his chair. Yet, that was the last thing I wanted. For some reason, his small movements made me want to bolt even more.
“Angel, I’m here.” The voice came again, and the pieces of my heart that were still whole absolutely shattered. I had heard it for the past few months, but I hadn’t paid it any heed. It was a voice that shouldn’t be there. Yet, in that moment, it was giving me equal portions of comfort and pain.
Dimitri.
The voice was a breath of fresh air, but it was wrong. It sounded wrong and defiled, as if all he stood for, all he used to mean to me, had become hideously morphed.
You’re not real. You’re not real.
“Angel, I’m here for you.”
A flash of golden blond hair in the corner of my eye caught my attention, and my head whipped toward the exit sign again, only to see nothing. There was no one there. But the chill up my spine and the prickling on my neck said otherwise.
“Priya, are you okay?” Aaron was standing in front of the podium, and I couldn’t breathe as I flinched away from the stand, taking a small step back. My thoughts raced. My brain felt like it was shutting down and being torn to shreds in opposite directions, far east, north, south, and west.
The world around me felt like a dream, and that dream felt like it was melting around me; the only thing I cared about was escaping—waking up.
The black spots almost completely filled my vision as the sweat beaded down the back of my neck. I was suffocating, and I couldn’t handle it, or anything, anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered before stepping away from the podium toward the exit sign, tripping over my feet as I kept moving toward my escape. The moment I started moving, the black spots in my vision started clearing. When I gained my bearings, I started running as fast as I could toward the green exit sign and out through the open emergency door, running to somewhere safe and out of sight.
When I reached the end of the dirty gray cobbled pathway that led into the parking lot and my car, my brain started to work again, churning and replaying what had happened. Once I opened my car door, I sat down in the driver’s seat and slammed the door behind me. I took a few moments to catch my breath, my hands clenching my skirt. I felt like I was suffocating again, but this time, I was choking on the burn of sorrow that filled my lungs and eyes.
“Angel, I’m here,” Dimitri said. I screamed in frustration, gripping my head and clenching my eyes shut. I so desperately wanted that to be true, but I knew he was wrong.
I knew it was wrong of me to want him back, to want to see him—to feel safe with him.
“Where? Show me! You’re not real!” I screamed, and the tears streamed down my face. My body collapsed into itself, and I pushed my head against the steering wheel.
“Angel, why do you say that when I’m right here?” His voice sounded closer to me, as if he were sitting in the passenger’s seat. My eyes flashed open only to see an empty space, and I let out a cry of anguish and frustration.
“Stop! Stop! Please, just… stop,” I sobbed, my voice incomprehensible by the last word. I was pleading with Dimitri, but I didn’t know what I wanted to stop. Did I want the pain to stop? Did I want this trick in my brain to stop? Or did I want him to stop hiding and show himself?
I want to see him. I need him right now.
No. Get a grip, Priya.
Was it a trick? Is Dimitri real?
You’re under stress. This is the stress talking.
“You know why you can’t see me.” His voice softly kissed my right ear, and I hiccupped, trying to understand why he—no, why my brain—would tell me I knew why I couldn’t see him. I began to desperately try and decipher his words.
Just one last time. Just one more time. I need to see him, hold him, have him tell me everything will be okay.
There was a knock on the passenger side window that brought me out of my thoughts.
Jasmine. She had tears in her eyes, and she was motioning for me to either unlock the car or lower the window.
I unlocked the car, and she stepped in and reached across the console between us. Our arms tangled around each other in a strong embrace.
“Oh, Priya. Priya, I’m so sorry,” she said into my hair as I sobbed on her black dress.
“I don’t understand, didi. Why her? Why did she have to go? It’s not fair!” I screamed into her dress as I gripped her tighter. This has to be a dream, I thought. But I knew it wasn’t a dream, and it never would be, no matter how much I told myself otherwise.
“I don’t understand either, Priya. I don’t understand,” she said, repeating the words over and over again.
It wasn’t a cold day—in fact, the air held the pleasant warmth of spring—but I was shivering uncontrollably. My sister held me until I cried all my tears out and was left a shivering, hiccupping mess.
“Are you ready to go back yet? I think the service is probably over by now,” she whispered softly.
I nodded, slowly pulling away from her. I took a few moments to catch my breath, to try and stop myself from shaking and somewhat pull myself together. After a few gasping breaths and swipes at my face, I felt more presentable, and I followed her in a daze out of the car toward the funeral home. We walked down the same cobbled path I had just crossed back into the home, down the green carpet, and back into the room, which now held far fewer people.
At the front of the room, I saw my mom and Mrs. Martinez hugging. My mom looked more distraught than I had ever seen her, but she wasn’t crying. Her eyes were red, but no tears were falling down her cheeks.
When my mom pulled away from Mrs. Martinez, they both saw me, and my mom rushed over to me, enveloping me in a tight hug.
“Chotu, are you okay? Why did you run away?”
I was about to open my mouth to respond, but I couldn’t. What would I say? That I heard Dimitri calling me?
There was no way that would go well. That was not what anyone needed to hear.
Be strong, Priya. Like Elli would have been.
“I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t… see her like that,” I said, looking over my mom’s shoulder to the now closed casket.
My mom let go, and my sister came up behind me.
“I think Aaron wants to make sure you’re okay too,” my mom said, and I looked over to see Aaron still sitting in the middle of the section to our right.
A part of me saw him and yearned for that feeling of safety he usually embodied, but that part was growing weaker and weaker. The part that bore allegiance to Dimitri was screaming in my head.
That’s the stress talking. Go see Aaron.
Yes, Aaron will make everything better.
I didn’t want to see him, though. Seeing him was too much, it was too overwhelming. My soul was filled to the brim with too many emotions, and I knew seeing Aaron would break me. After hearing Dimitri, I felt… dirty. I felt like I had cheated. And the worst part was I couldn’t tell who I was cheating on—Aaron or Dimitri.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to him later,” I told my sister, looking at her puffy red eyes. She nodded and she and my mom went to talk to Mrs. And Mr. Martinez. I was about to follow them when I heard Aaron’s broken voice.
“I’m sorry, Priya.”
He was standing behind me, but I was too afraid to see him. Too afraid of the confusion raging inside me.
It’s too much. I can’t handle this.
“Aaron… I… I can’t do this. I can’t do this right now,” I said.
“I know, Priya. I know, that’s why I’m here. I’m here for you.”
I shook my head, closing my eyes and clenching my trembling fists at my side.
“No. I mean, I can’t do us. I can’t do you being with me or being here for me. I can’t handle us being together right now,” I said.
How could we possibly be in a relationship with Dimitri looming over us? How could we possibly be in a relationship now that I had just lost another piece of my soul in Elli? There was no way I could let Aaron get caught up in my craziness. I had too much baggage, now more than before, and I didn’t want to carry him down with me as I sank beneath the crashing waves of emotion and horror. There was no way I could handle being responsible for dragging him down. He may know about my past, but what would his reaction be to the fact that I let it catch up with me, that it was knocking on my door again? Even worse, how would he be with the addition of Elli’s death now as part of my baggage?
I can’t do this. Please, don’t make me do this.
“I… I think I understand. I’ll give you space,” he said.
“I don’t think you do…” I whispered. I turned around in the hopes that I could show him, that I could convey how messed up I was and how much he couldn’t possibly understand. But when I turned, instead of seeing Aaron’s brown eyes, I was forced to lift my head higher than expected to look into familiar hazel eyes perfectly framed by golden hair.
Dimitri?
Dimitri stood looming over me, a sad smile on his face. I sucked in a breath and almost reached out my hand for him, but when I blinked, the vision of Dimitri was gone, and Aaron stood in front of me. I instantly retracted my hand back to my side, blinking a few times at Aaron. Nothing was making sense, and all I could do was scream internally. My traitorous heart wanted so desperately for the vision of Dimitri to stay, to be real.
This is too much. Elli, I need you. I need your strength and stability.
“It’s okay, Priya. I will always be here for you, even if you can’t handle me being here next to you. Call me if you want me, to talk, or for me to come to your side,” Aaron said. He leaned forward, and I stepped back, flinching at the idea of him touching me.
What is wrong with me?
With the thought of Dimitri in my head, with the desire to see and feel him, I didn’t want Aaron to be there. I wanted to want Aaron and only Aaron, but deep down, he wasn’t the one I yearned for. I had reverted to my old ways, almost in an instant.
How could I have been undone so easily?
I saw a flash of pain strike across Aaron’s face, and he looked down, his lower lip quivering.
I’m sorry, Aaron. I’m so sorry.
“Goodbye, Aaron.” My voice betrayed my true feelings. The words came out without a break or hiccup.
“Goodbye, Priya.” Aaron’s emotions were not so contained. His voice wavered as he spoke his farewell and turned to leave.
I watched him rush out of the funeral home, hating the fact that the part of me holding back from rushing after him and explaining the situation had won. I hated that I was torn between two men when one of them was not even real.
I hated the fact that the side of me that was still loyal to Dimitri was winning the battle.
Sitting on the edge of my bed and staring into the bathroom, I pictured Elli standing there with a chunk of hair in one hand and a straightener in the other.
“Would you ever get a tattoo?”
I replayed the conversation in my head again, remembering the way her eyes shined at the prospect of getting a tattoo. C’est la vie.
I followed her in my mind as she walked out of my bathroom and toward my bed, my head turning with the ghost of her. My eyes fell on the closet where Elli would spend time picking out clothes for me to wear as if I were her little doll.
“Why don’t you wear something like this?” So many times—the first night we went out together that school year, and many others—she had pulled out some sort of fun but inappropriate outfit from my closet.
The memories became overwhelming. I felt my body ride the rollercoaster of emotions raging through me, my body swaying with its dips, turns, and inclines.
Mindlessly, I changed my clothes and got into bed, curling myself into a burrito in the blankets. The sun was still high in the sky and shining through my blinds. I stared at the spot next to me by the wall—the spot where Elli used to sleep when she would stay over. Everywhere I looked, I saw her. I knew she was integrated into my life, an extension of myself, but I never could have imagined how that would lead to such emptiness. The void in my heart was larger than the one I had following the loss of Dimitri. The fact that Elli was real made this so much worse. The fact that she was my best friend, my person, my platonic soulmate made the lack of her in this world feel more confusing, and I was more lost than the day I was admitted in the hospital a year before.
The memories of her were attacking me from every mental direction. It was too much, and I was exhausted. Maybe if I slept, I would wake up feeling better. And who knew, maybe in my dreams, she would be alive. Maybe I would wake up, even, and this would all have been a dream. I imagined waking up at Elli’s bedside in the hospital, seeing her smiling face, and hearing her tell me she was stronger than anyone gave her credit for.
I sighed as the thoughts took control of my brain. Groaning, I peeped around the top edge of the blanket, my eyes falling directly on the orange bottle set on my bedside table.
“Do you want to see me?” I heard Dimitri’s voice directly in my ear. I stared at the bottle and felt a nudge in my brain, telling me the answer to his question.
Don’t take the medication.
Suddenly, I realized I hadn’t taken my medication in at least three days. Things had been so hectic that I hadn’t even remembered to take the tablets. Now it made sense why I was hallucinating more than before.
And it made sense why I didn’t want the hallucinations to stop.
I looked at the bottle for a moment longer, then closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and let the crazy happen in my mind.
I would let the crazy happen and let it out until I was done. Then everything would go back to normal—or as normal as it could be without Elli.