On Friday, for the first time in my life, my mom fought with me to keep me home instead of going to school.
“Priya, I know didi and I are going back to work today, but it’s because we have to. You can stay home if you want,” she said as I ate my cereal at the kitchen counter.
“It’s fine. I’ll be fine,” I said unconvincingly, even to myself.
It had been six days already since Elli died, and on the fifth day, I went numb. I stopped crying, stopped feeling angry, stopped feeling anything. It was somewhat of a relief. My raw throat could finally recover and my eyes, puffy from so many salty tears, were able to deflate, although the dark circles under them remained.
“Can you at least call Avery and schedule an appointment, please?” my mom asked, and I nodded, knowing she didn’t know the truth about my state.
It was also six days since I last took my medication.
“Already done, but her earliest appointment is the fifteenth, after my AP test.” I had scheduled the appointment with Avery the day after Elli died, but I didn’t know now if I had any intention of committing to that appointment. With my new numbness, I didn’t know if I wanted to break that wall down and collapse on Avery’s couch in tears, or if I would even need to in two weeks.
I picked up my empty cereal bowl, put it in the sink, and grabbed my backpack from the couch in the living room. “Bye, Mama,” I said, opening the door and running out before she could try and stop me from leaving again.
As I walked through the campus towards my first class, AP Government, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. Whether they actually were, I didn’t know, but I for sure felt them. I imagined everyone, students and teachers, coming up with a sad narrative about my life and how I must be barely surviving, and although that might have been true only a few days ago, I was determined to have that not be the reality anymore. So I held my head high and walked into the AP Gov classroom, only to put it down again as soon as I remembered who taught that class.
Shit. Aaron’s mom. She probably hates me now and will fail me.
I sat down in my usual seat and didn’t even look up at her, didn’t bother looking at anyone as I sank lower under my desk. Who knew about our breakup? Did they think terribly of me and pity me?
Ms. Chen handed out a practice AP test, and I sped through the test, knowing every answer.
However, as I was answering the questions, voices were looming around me and I couldn’t tell if they were from cheating students, or hallucinations.
Some were comprehensible and sounded like students cheating as they were just letters, A through D.
The other voices were more like murmurs, with the words sounding fuzzy and unintelligible.
When I finished, I flipped over my Scantron and lay my head on my desk, taking a deep breath, and tried to push the racing thoughts out of my head.
“Was she worth your deception?” a familiar, deep Russian voice suddenly asked in my left ear.
I pried my eyes open, sat up, and looked around the room. Students were still taking the practice test, their heads down, so I looked down at my desk, pressing my hands against the cool wood and counting down from ten. It had been longer than I could remember since I’d heard that particular Russian voice, and no medication, no amount of time, would erase it from my memory. Just as I would never erase the memory of it accompanying Dimitri’s death.
“All right, everyone, time’s up. Pass your test forward for me to collect,” Ms. Chen called out. We all passed our tests toward the first person in our row. The bell rang as soon as Ms. Chen had collected the tests, and I quickly gathered my things and bolted out of the room, needing fresh air to help me breathe and calm down. However, as soon as I stepped outside, I was pulled out of my thoughts by a voice.
“Priya!” I heard Amanda call my name. In a split second, I plastered on a calm and cool face, then looked back to see her close behind me.
“Hey,” she said. “I’m surprised to see you back at school. Did you get my text?”
I nodded. “Yeah, sorry, I just haven’t talked to anyone lately, but I’m sorry for your loss too. I know she was your friend as well.” The words coming out of my mouth were disconnected from my heart or any sort of emotions that I had, as was the smile I put on after.
Amanda’s face softened, and she nodded, understanding my words, though not the apathy behind them.
“What’s your next class? Let’s walk together,” she said, and I hesitated before slowly nodding my head. My smile was starting to hurt my cheeks and jaw, but I didn’t want to let my facade down.
We ended up having our second period classes in the same building, but while I had AP Calc, she had pre-calc.
“You know, I remember when Elli first told me about you,” Amanda said with a laugh, and I looked at her curiously. “She said she was best friends with this nerdy Indian girl she’d known since you guys were born. I totally imagined some sad-looking weirdo, but I remember thinking when I saw you that you were actually really pretty with the longest hair I’ve ever seen. And when I met you, I found out how cool you are too.”
I looked at her, confused as to why she was telling me this story.
She continued as we entered the building that held our classes. “When we all started having lunch together last year, I knew I wanted to be your friend, but you seemed really closed off to new friends. So it was hard, but I’m really glad we got to know each other through cross-country. I guess my point with this story is to say I’m glad I met you, and I’m glad we’re friends now. I know I’m not Elli, but if you need a friend, I can be here for you.” She turned toward me as we stood in the hallway of the building, our classes nearby. “Cameron told me about you and Aaron. I know you have your reasons for it, but you shouldn’t be alone through this. So, if you ever need anything, let me know, please. Okay?” And before I could stop her, Amanda gripped me in a tight hug, catching me off guard.
The warning bell that signaled class would start in a minute rang, and that was her signal to let go.
“I’ll see you later, Priya,” she said, hurrying off toward her class and leaving me stunned. Then the final bell rang, and I, too, ran off to my class.
It was fourth period, AP Psych time, meaning I had to see Aaron. We even sat next to each other, so I couldn’t avoid him. I was dreading seeing him in class, seeing his sad eyes again. I wanted him to move on, to forget about me, to heal, but as soon as I walked into the classroom and saw his head pick up and his eyes light up, and as he half stood, I knew that was wishful thinking.
I looked away and saw Amanda waving at me from the back of the room, pointing to the desk next to her. I didn’t want to take her up on her offer, but I couldn’t sit next to Aaron. So I rushed over to the empty desk next to her and set my stuff down.
“Thanks.”
“No problem. I know awkward breakups better than anyone,” she said.
“Did you and Cameron break up too?” I asked, and she looked at me, shocked.
“What? No! No, no, but before him, yeah. Did you think Cameron was my first boyfriend?” Amanda asked, and I looked at her with a shrug.
“I…”
“Wait, was—” Amanda gestured at Aaron with her head, then back at me. “—your first boyfriend?”
I couldn’t contain the heat that rose to my cheeks with embarrassment and instead looked down at my desk, situating my notebook and pen. Amanda let out a sigh next to me, and soon the class started.
However, once again, my mind was filled with racing thoughts.
Aaron was not my first boyfriend. Not the first. Not the first. Not the first. My mind repeated that phrase over and over, and no matter how many times I tried to tell myself the truth, or distract myself, my fixation on that one sentence would not lessen.
Before I knew it, the bell rang for lunch, and I felt myself get a little anxious about the idea of eating alone. I began to pack up my things slowly, putting off the impending loneliness.
“Hey, do you want to eat together?” Amanda spoke up next to me. She had already packed all her things, her backpack perched on her knees as she looked at me expectantly. A part of me wanted to say no because even though Amanda and I had gotten closer over the last few months, I wouldn’t call her someone I felt comfortable being around alone, especially now. Sure, she just saved my ass from an embarrassing and awkward situation, but that didn’t change how I felt about our friendship.
However, the fear of breaking down in the bathroom or library as I ate alone got to me, so I nodded.
“Sure.”
At that moment, I felt the prickly feeling on the back of my neck, but this time, I knew it wasn’t Dimitri. I glanced out of the side of my eyes to see Aaron looking at me from where he stood at the front of the class with his friend, Brenden. I looked back at Amanda.
“Um, I don’t want to talk to Aaron, but I think he’s waiting for me,” I whispered to Amanda as the room was quickly emptying. Soon, the only people who would be left were Amanda, Aaron, Brenden, and me.
Amanda made an O shape with her mouth, registering the situation, and before I could say anything, she looked at Aaron and nudged her head toward the door, silently telling him to leave without me. I was mortified, but also grateful.
But how terrible of a person was I that I couldn’t even face Aaron, explain the situation to him, or tell him why I couldn’t see him?
You don’t even understand what’s going on, Priya; how could you explain something you don’t understand? The thought pressed on my mind, confusing me. I knew deep down that Aaron was an understanding person. He would have tried his best to understand why I needed space, but I didn’t know if he would understand that the space was for an indefinite amount of time.
When I looked up at the doorway, Aaron was gone, and I let out a sigh of relief.
“I’m sorry you had to do that,” I said to Amanda as we both stood up.
“No problem. What are friends for?”
“Are you ready for the AP tests?” Amanda asked as we ate our lunches out in the quad. It was a nice day out, sunny but not too hot. I looked down at my covered legs and the material of my t-shirt and hoped I wouldn’t get any sweat stains from sitting out in the sun, but Amanda insisted we enjoy the sunshine.
“Yeah, I think so. Are you?”
“Kind of… I’m a little worried about A-PUSH,” she said.
“You shouldn’t be. I literally fell asleep halfway through that test and still passed,” I said before taking a bite of my sandwich.
“Milk, cheese, eggs. Milk, cheese, eggs.”
“Sauce, sauce, sauce.”
I continued to chew, ignoring the harmless voices, but noticed Amanda was oddly quiet. When I looked up at her, she was just gawking at me.
“What?” I asked, and she blinked a few times before replying.
“You—you fell asleep? During an AP test?”
“Y-yeah? I was… tired…” I said, realizing that this was, in fact, a big deal.
Amanda broke out into laughter and shook her head. “Oh my gosh. Priya, you’re unbelievable.”
I smiled shyly. As I looked at Amanda, something about the scene felt familiar. It reminded me of when I told Elli that I had fallen asleep during the test. She had also shaken her head, saying, “Oh my God, Priya, you’re fucking unbelievable.” Amanda’s reaction was pretty much the same, except she didn’t curse. It was almost… comforting. It gave me an overwhelming sense of nostalgia that poked through the gloom, covering me like a weighted blanket and holding me close, until I felt warm with good memories.
I looked away from Amanda and took another bite of my sandwich before covering my mouth with my hand. “Yeah, so don’t worry. If I can sleep and get a three, you can stay awake and get at least a three. If you need help, let me know.” I froze, instantly regretting the words coming out of my mouth.
“Really? For sure! I’ll text you if I need any help,” she said, and I nodded, hoping she understood it was an empty offer and praying that she wouldn’t text me.
We soon dove into mundane small talk before the bell rang, and we split up to head to our next classes. I was relieved that I didn’t have to keep up a facade of friendship anymore. Even though I liked Amanda, it was too exhausting.
I was walking into the classroom, almost to my desk, when I stopped at the sight of the seat next to mine—a seat that would remain empty for the rest of the semester. I knew that sitting alone, in a spot at the front of the room, meant I would be open to people’s wandering eyes. They would slide over and pause, not on my back, but on the back of the empty chair that once held a lively, energetic person. I slowly inched toward the seat, setting my bag down, but as soon as I was sitting, I instantly felt the pressure of their stares again. The room felt unnaturally quiet, everyone’s chattering falling to hushed criticisms and comments on my new lonesome state.
“Look at her. She’s so pitiful.”
“What a loser.”
“Who is she without Elli?”
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. I repeated the word as a mantra to myself over and over again, but the voices were coming from all around me. The students in my class were getting bolder in their comments and observations, growing louder and louder.
“Cheaters get punished.”
“You were a terrible friend.”
“Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.”
I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed my bag and rushed out of the classroom. I didn’t stop to fight back against the nasty comments or even think to look at who was talking. I couldn’t think at all, almost as if my fight-or-flight instinct had kicked in, and all I could do was fly. So I flew away from the onlookers, from the critics, and from the hate that was coming at me.
But the voices didn’t stop. As I slowed my flight to a walk, I could still hear everyone’s comments.
“Look at how sad she is.”
“We know you’re broken.”
“You’re a broken, useless creature.”
“You couldn’t even save your husband; how could you save Elli?”
Of course, they know about him. Everyone knows about him. Everyone knows how I’m a failure, as a wife, as a friend, and as a girlfriend.
As I walked, I saw a sea of people rushing past me, pushing me and jostling me as I tried to walk. It was like trying to walk through water, the resistance was so great.
An image of Aaron’s sad face appeared in my mind as the crowd thickened, people walking slower and closer around me. I could barely see through the thick crowd, but I could see Aaron’s pained face, from both the funeral and AP Psych, as clear as day.
I will always be here for you. Aaron’s words played over in my head, blaring like a siren. The volume was so loud I had to clench my eyes shut. I stopped moving in the crowd but could still feel the bodies around me jolting, pushing, shoving me.
“Priya.” I could hear Aaron’s voice, and I shook my head, trying to shake out the sound.
“No! No! No!” I was whispering—groaning—over and over again, unable to think over the voices in my head or muster up enough mental or physical power to scream.
“Cheater. Cheater. Cheater.”
“Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.”
“We’re always watching.” The Russian agent’s voice from earlier in AP Gov rang in my ears, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
They’re watching me. The Russians are watching me—no, have always been watching me.
“Priya, look at me!” Aaron’s voice cut through the other voices, clearing the fog of verbal abuse in my head, screaming loud enough to make my eyes shoot wide open to see him standing in front of me, a look of panic and worry clear on his face. As I registered him, I noticed his hands—they were on my shoulders, gripping me tightly. Then I registered our surroundings and saw we were the only two on campus in the open quad area. I looked around, wondering where the crowd of people had gone, but then my mind turned back to Aaron. I planted my eyes on his face, and his dark brown eyes looking back into mine, searching for understanding about what was going on.
Am I being followed by the Russian government? Do they have spies in school? Is that how everyone knows about Dimitri?
My mind began to melt. Suddenly, I felt both lethargic and energized—my mind was racing, but my body felt weak. My breathing was shallow and uneven, to the point where I couldn’t catch a deep enough breath. My head felt light.
Was I going to faint?
It was as if all the blood were rushing from my head to everywhere else in my body. I remembered through the fog that shifting your feet would help with blood flow. I began to shift my weight from leg to leg, feeling slightly more balanced.
“Priya, are you okay?” Aaron’s words were carefully enunciated and stern as he searched for the answer to that question in my eyes rather than my words.
“I’m… fine. I’m fine,” I said. In his eyes, I could see a very tiny, very frazzled reflection of myself. As my head cleared, as I felt more weighted and grounded, I looked around the area again, blinking and regaining my awareness before looking down at Aaron’s hands on my shoulders. They were uncomfortably warm, but that heat gave me something to focus on for a short while and pulled me further out of my head.
Aaron continued to stare at me for a few seconds. Then his eyes fell on his hands, too, and he quickly pulled them away from my shoulders, removing the heat and allowing a cool inrush of air. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at the ground before looking back up, but he was looking past me, not at me.
“Priya, I… um…” His eyes darted all around me, never settling on my face. I watched him, my breathing beginning to deepen and even out.
“I think I know the answer to this, but—” Aaron let out a long, deep, and frustrated groan and closed his eyes for a second before opening them again and looking straight into mine.
“Priya, what is actually going on? Should I be worried?” Aaron’s questions came as a shock to me. Aaron was always the boy who knew the boundaries, never crossed the line, and never pried. He always let me go to him when I had a problem.
I stared at him, my lips slightly parted from shock as I thought about this new, stern side of him. I started to feel something through the numbing fog around me.
It was sadness. I finally felt the sympathy for him that he deserved. Now that I could almost think straight, I came up with an answer that would make sense to us both without giving away my inner turmoil too much.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Aaron, but you don’t have to worry,” I said, pausing to see him look down and nod his head before I continued. “Aaron, this has nothing to do with you, and I need you to know that. I… I can’t explain what’s going on because honestly, I don’t know enough to even name what’s going on. Is it grief? Maybe. Maybe there isn’t a name for what I’m experiencing. But whatever is going on, I can’t drag you down with me as I go through it.”
Aaron opened his mouth to say something, but I put my hands up to stop him. “Aaron, my mind is basically an unsolvable puzzle. I don’t know what pieces are missing and which pieces fit with each other. I’m barely able to piece together my thoughts right now and put them into words without going on crazy tangents or letting my mind wander to ideas that I have but shouldn’t have. And please, don’t ask what those ideas are. I meant what I said at the funeral. I can’t do this right now, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to again, or if I’ll ever be able to again. I just need you to give me space and know that I don’t mean to hurt you.” My heart weighed heavily in my chest as I watched Aaron process what I was telling him. I was thankful that the cold, numbing fog had thinned enough for me to tell him this, but now I desperately wanted the fog to envelop me again before I divulged too much, or felt too much all at once.
Just then, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and the prickling sensation travel up my spine.
“Do you still want to see me?” Dimitri whispered into my ear with his smooth tenor. Time began to melt. I could feel his breath against the curve of my earlobe, sending shivers through my body, starting at my head and traveling down and out through my toes. I clenched my fists at my side, forcing myself not to turn around, not to forget Aaron or all that I had just felt and said. I restrained myself from forsaking all reason and giving into my impulses.
Everything around me felt slow. The wind blew sluggishly, my eyes blinked heavily, and Aaron seemed frozen in place, like his own internal system was processing slowly.
“Do you want to see Elli?” Dimitri’s words tickled the flesh of my neck, raising goosebumps in a way that was almost erotic, but instead of tempting to my body, it tempted my soul. I was about to yell out in desperation, “Yes! Is that possible?” but before I could, Aaron beat me to speaking.
“I get it. I got it then, and I get it now.” Aaron’s voice didn’t falter, and there was a deadness in his eyes. I wanted to scream my frustration as Dimitri’s presence and the hope that came with it vanished. I wanted to scream that Aaron didn’t actually understand, he couldn’t.
But instead, I reminded myself that thinking he did might bring him peace and comfort, so who was I to take that away from him?
I refrained from correcting him and let him continue. “Priya, I also meant what I said at the funeral. If you can’t handle me being here with you physically, that’s fine. But I should add that when you’re ready, if you’re ever ready, to have me in your life again, I’m only a call away. I’m going to be hurt no matter what. Because I’ll be honest, Priya, I love you.”
Aaron paused, as if the revelation would make things different, but the numbing fog surrounding had come crashing around me again, too thick to be penetrated by his sentiment. I was unable to feel what I once had for him in that moment. I couldn’t even let myself try to step out from the fog. I knew that if I did, I would break down instantly, with more puzzle pieces fracturing throughout my mind.
Aaron watched my movements closely and, probably not seeing the desired reaction, sighed before continuing. “I know you’re hurting now, too, but if this is how you process, then I won’t try to change that or be involved in it if that’s not what you want. Please take care of yourself, Priya.”
He took a deep breath before quickly pushing past me and leaving me alone in the empty clearing on campus. I stared at the ground where his feet had been and counted backward from ten, trying to ignore the tension in my body and the prickling feeling over my skin. And then I closed my eyes and tried to imagine the person who usually caused my skin to prickle, praying—on ears deaf or imagined, I didn’t know which—that the image in my head would come to life. But when I opened my eyes, I was still alone.