“Priya, listen to me.”
The voice poked through my dreams and startled me awake, lifting the fog of my dream, and as it dissipated, so did any memory of the dream.
What’s going on?
“Priya, listen to me.” I gasped, hearing Elli’s voice and feeling a prickle all over my body as I reached for my bedside lamp and turned it on. I pulled my hand back and rubbed at my burning eyes before reaching for my phone and seeing it was only 4 a.m.
I sighed and let my head fall back against my pillow. I gulped.
“I hear you, Elli, but I can’t see you,” I said out into the air, staring up at the stuccoed ceiling and tracing the outlines of the lumps of plaster.
“But I’m right here,” she said, her voice floating at my right side, clearer than before. I lazily turned my head toward the wall and froze.
Lying beside me, with her head propped up by her hand, was Elli. She was wearing ripped denim shorts and a black tank top with her hair up in a ponytail. Her hazel eyes were dark in the lighting, and her face was shadowed slightly. But the image of her was as clear as day.
“Oh, my God.” I sat up and turned to face her completely. She smiled, then fell back laughing.
“Well, don’t act like I’m a ghost. You knew I was alive, didn’t you?”
I stuttered as I tried to find the right words. “N-no… I mean, yes. But I-I don’t understand.”
Elli’s head fell to the left as she watched me.
I smiled. “I did, though. I knew you were alive.” I watched her cross and uncross her legs and fling her arm over her head to look up at the ceiling.
“You always were the smart one,” she said, and I shook my head.
“I don’t understand, though. Where have you been? What happened?”
Elli stared at the ceiling for a minute before sighing and looking at me. “You’re under the Russian government’s control, Priya, that’s what’s going on.”
I gawked at her. “What? No, I’m not! Are you calling me a double agent?” I said incredulously.
“No, Priya, I’m talking about mind control. I’m talking about the Russians’ secret weapon, the one that Dimitri has been working on for the past two plus years.” She sat up, crossing her right leg over her left and bending her knee up into a triangle. “Priya, this is all a dream. You’re living in a dream. The Russians have a sort of mind control on you, and the whole world is a simulation by the Russian government. Dimitri was working on how to get you guys out of this simulation-style dream, but even the Russians don’t know how to take someone out. But Dimitri figured it out, and he and I both got out.”
“How? What is it? What’s the way?”
“Guess,” she said. I sighed as I leaned on my side and looked at her.
What’s the commonality between Dimitri and Elli? How did they both get out of this? They literally have nothing in common. Except—
I gasped. “You both died! Or… supposedly died? I think? I don’t… understand.”
“Priya, have you ever had a dream where you’re falling? Or where you die? Did you ever actually die, or did you wake up?”
I thought back to all the vivid dreams I had where I almost died. There weren’t many, but enough to gather a concrete answer.
“I woke up,” I whispered, and Elli nodded.
“So how did Dimitri and I wake up from this dream?”
“You… died? Or rather, you woke up.” My brain began to race and suddenly, it was starting to make sense to me. “I’m in a dream. This world, this simulation, it’s a—it’s a dream.” I looked at her, hoping that she would confirm my thoughts.
“Yes, Priya. This simulation is a dream. You’re in a coma in the real world, and you’re dreaming. That’s what this world is. But it’s more complicated than that. Certain things you do here are mimicked in the real world. Like eating. If you eat here, you’re eating in the real world, and vice versa. Let’s say you stop eating in the real world, or your body rejects the food here. You’ve basically rejected the food in the real world.” She tilted her head down but turned her eyes up to me as if she were trying to tell me something more than just an explanation of the connection between the two worlds. I stared at her as I processed what she was saying, and then the answer hit me like a truck.
“Oh my God! The Russians have been keeping me under through the medication! I stopped taking it, and the drug that keeps me under stopped working!” I said, and Elli cringed slightly.
“Not… exactly. You stopping the medication has allowed our voices and images to get through, like in a dream when you hear your alarm go off but don’t necessarily wake up. Dimitri has been trying to reach you for a year, but the medication has been blocking him for the most part. So it’s good that you stopped taking them. However, there’s something else you need to do to wake up.”
I looked at her. Then I nodded, finally understanding fully.
“I have to… die.”
“Yes.” She said it with a smile. Horrified, I stared at her.
“I still don’t understand. What about my mom? And my sister?”
Elli sighed again. “Priya, they’re fake. Your real mom and real sister are in the real world, waiting for you.” Her tone implored me to think harder about the situation, as if it were an obvious answer. And it should have been. This whole situation should have been obvious to me the whole time, but I was kept under by the medication.
“So if I… die, I’ll see everyone again?”
“Yes. But don’t consider it dying. Just consider it waking up.”
“But I don’t… I… I’m scared.”
She reached out and placed her hand on mine, which was against the bed. Feeling her warm hand resting on my cold one suddenly shifted things. It was different from just seeing her. The tangible feeling of her allowed the information she told me to settle because I knew she was real. Then I thought of something else.
“Wait, but how am I seeing you and feeling you if only your voices can get through?” I asked.
“Dimitri is super smart, baby girl. You picked a good one. He found out how to basically project an image into your subconscious, like the Russians do it. So you can see us and interact with us how you would anyone else in this world.” My ears picked up at that.
“Us? You mean… I can see him too?” I asked, looking around. Elli laughed.
“Yes, but not now. I basically fought him to see you first. Sorry, you’re stuck with me for now.”
“No! Oh my gosh, no! Elli! I’m so happy to see you,” I said, immediately looking back at her and trying to convince her I wasn’t some ungrateful, terrible friend. “Trust me, I missed you so much… It’s just…”
“I know, I know. He’s your husband and all, and blah, blah, blah. Till real death do you part,” she said with a roll of her eyes and I laughed.
“He may be my husband, but you’re my platonic soulmate.”
“Damn straight!” she said, and we both laughed. When our laughing died down, we fell into a comfortable silence, and I rested back against the bed. Elli followed suit, and we stared up at the dimly lit ceiling.
“This has been the hardest three weeks of my life,” I whispered. Elli remained silent, and I smiled, thankful to have her and her psychic ability to understand the way I talked and processed back at my side, where she belonged. “Not having you, not understanding, and not knowing what was going on… it killed me. It was the most confusing time in my life, and I had to face everything alone before a few days ago.”
We turned toward each other, face to face. “Don’t ever leave me again, okay? Losing Dimitri killed me once, but losing you killed me way worse because I thought you were the real one—the only real one. I thought you were gone forever.”
She smirked. “Well, now you really will be killed, but ironically, we’ll be together forever because of it.” I shoved at her, making her laugh harder.
“Not funny!”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, really, but… come on, Priya. I promised you I would always be here, and I will be. Even the Russian government can’t keep us apart.”
I smiled. “Damn straight!”
We fell into a comfortable conversation, catching up as we talked about everything that had happened since what we started calling Elli’s “waking up” moment.
“I broke up with Aaron at your funeral.”
“Ooh, girl, I know. Dimitri was jealous! But he didn’t hate you or blame you for it. You thought he was dead. But he was glad you were so torn up about it.”
I snorted at that. “I bet he was.” I rolled my eyes and smiled, remembering the past.
“You know, Elli… I think I’m almost ready to wake up.”
I heard Elli’s head move against the bedsheets.
“Sleep on it. I have to go now. Dimitri must be getting antsy, trying to keep this connection going.” She sat up.
“Wait! When will I see you again?” I asked.
“Don’t worry. After tonight, everything will be better. Just sleep on it. Tomorrow, things will be better,” she repeated.
I nodded, and with a blink, she was gone. I felt my anxiety build up at her sudden disappearance. It was as if she were gone forever again, but I reminded myself of her words. I had to remind myself that she was alive, and I would be able to see her again. I tried to set aside the fear of dying that gripped me and focused on seeing her again.
But I couldn’t shove aside horrible thoughts. The image of Dimitri having his throat slit made my neck tingle with phantom pains. I rubbed at the skin on my throat and cringed as the memory came back, playing like a movie in my mind, followed by the memory of seeing Elli in the hospital bed and in the casket.
Dying did not sound pleasant. Why couldn’t Dimitri have found an easier way out? Was dying the only way out?
I wished Elli had stayed with me that night, at least until I fell asleep, but once again, I had to fall asleep alone. My only solace was in the idea that my torture would soon be over.
I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or not when I opened my eyes and looked up at the cloudless blue sky that peeked through the treetops above me. However, after hearing Elli tell me I was living in a simulated dream world, that uncertainty didn’t surprise me, phase me, or concern me. My fingers flexed in the green strands of cool, moist grass beneath my body, and I gripped them to pull myself up. The greens of the grass seemed especially vivid, and the blue carried some sort of hidden meaning that I was too worked up to bother deciphering.
I was still wearing my pajamas—a pair of cotton shorts and an oversized t-shirt—but I didn’t feel cold. In fact, I couldn’t have been more comfortable. I looked around and took in my surroundings, letting the image bathe me in its vivid colors, scents, and sensations. Then realization struck.
Not only was I in a forest, I was in the forest—the one from over a year ago.
The trees were thickly packed together, as they had been on that terrible night, but there was light streaming in through the thicket from the sun.
“Priya,” Dimitri called out happily. His voice perfectly encapsulated his playful, boyish persona. He was beckoning me to come find him, but not in the way he had the first night I stumbled upon this forest. This felt more like a game.
“Dimitri?” I called out as I stood up and looked around, trying to find him. When I didn’t see anyone, I took a few cautious steps toward an area where the foliage thinned out.
I heard birds chirping and twigs cracking as I moved through the familiar vegetation. The steps I took were the same steps, in the same direction, as a year before. I couldn’t explain how I knew where I was going, but I was nearing the same clearing as that terrible night. Deep down, though, somewhere hidden, I had a feeling my destination would be completely different this time.
I continued moving through the forest, the trees thinning around me, until I saw an area hidden by shrubs and tall bushes. I heard Dimitri’s laughter, and I smiled at the challenge of finding him. I stepped through the maze of vegetation, excitement bustling through me. However, as I neared the shrubs and bushes at the end that hid the clearing, the one that so starkly stood out in my memory, a sense of fear gripped my throat.
My sense of calm and Dimitri’s playful voice had distracted me from a horrible thought. It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment, as I prepared to pull apart the shrubs, that this might be a trick from the Russians.
Maybe they are using mind control to show me what I want now, but when I enter the clearing again, everything will change, and Dimitri will still be dead.
I came to the tall bushes that hid the clearing from sight. My hands hesitated and shook as I reached out to pull them apart. My mind was torn between fear and desperate hope.
“Angel, I’m here,” Dimitri called out, his voice just beyond the bushes. The sound filled me with a resolve and the courage to break through the green wall that separated me from my second chance at joy.
I pulled the bushes apart, peeked at the beautiful clearing, and frowned.
It was empty.
My heart sank, but a little voice inside me said to walk further. So I walked toward the tall tree at the center of the clearing, memories flashing in my head. The tree had a thick trunk and was casting a large shadow on the emerald ground beneath. I looked at the spot on the trunk where there was once a crimson bloodstain. I looked next at the ground, expecting an imprint where Dimitri’s body had fallen so violently. Tears welled up in my eyes at the disappointment and pain of reliving it.
“Angel.” Dimitri’s voice was closer than before. I held my breath. I dared not hope, and yet chills ran up my body as my heart beat irregularly, my palms grew clammy, and excitement bubbled up in the pit of my stomach with butterflies raging within.
He still had such an effect on me.
I let out a shaky breath before slowly, hesitantly, turning around in place, my head held down, all the while, my gaze focused on the grass swaying around my ankles. I felt the breeze on my sweat-slicked skin. When I made a complete turn, my gaze remained fixed on the ground as I mustered up the courage to raise my head.
Before I had the chance to fully process or convince myself to look up, a pair of pristine white sneakers came into my view, adjacent to my bare feet. A strong hand slowly reached out and slid under my chin to grip it gently but sternly, then slowly lifted my head up. My eyes traveled up the tall frame, from the black, ankle-length pants to the navy t-shirt and the light, smooth skin that covered his strong arms and unscarred neck until finally they settled on his eyes.
The most striking pair of hazel eyes stared into mine, and a familiar smirk crossed Dimitri’s lips, his long blond hair falling and framing his face perfectly, as always.
“Angel—”
I didn’t give him the chance to say anything more. I flung myself at him, my feet moving of their own volition to send me pouncing, my arms wrapping around his neck as if I were magnetically pulled to him. This earned me a grunt of surprise, but Dimitri wrapped his arms around me in return and laughed, picking me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist. My body was trembling uncontrollably as the emotions, the shock, and the disbelief wracked through it.
“Angel, I’m here. I’ve got you,” Dimitri whispered, his breath whistling in my ear and his velvety lips soft against the flesh of my earlobe.
I pulled back and panicked when I saw his image was blurred, thinking that this was all a mirage or a trick, but then realization struck that I was crying. I wiped at my face profusely, unable to stop the onslaught of emotions, both good and bad, with an urgency that screamed I couldn’t get enough of him.
“Angel, are you that happy to see me?”
“Shut up!” I practically screamed at him as I sobbed. “You’re terrible! How could you leave me like that? How could you let me believe you weren’t real? You’re a bastard!” I swiped at the last of my tears, only to see Dimitri smirking with his head tilted slightly in amusement.
“Are you done with the dramatics? I’m here, aren’t I?” he asked, and I shoved at him, making us both wobble when he lost his balance for a moment. His imbalance made me grab him tighter, and he let out a deep laugh after stabilizing; however, his stance wasn’t what made ease wash over me.
God, I missed his laugh.
I gripped his face and planted kisses all over it, from his cheeks to his forehead to his nose; then I cut off his chuckle when I sealed my lips over his.
Kissing him was like coming home. It was like sleeping in my own bed after a long, tiring day or weekend away. It was like a safe place where I felt comfortable and whole, where I could relax and be myself.
Dimitri was my home. He embodied familiarity, from the way he smelled like a mix of sweat and soap to the way his arms just fit perfectly around my body as he held me close. From the sound of his heartbeat beneath my ear as we lounged to the way he laughed at me when we joked, Dimitri was my safe place.
When I pulled away from him, I felt how flushed my face was and didn’t care to catch my breath. I could feel every inch of him as he gripped me tightly, and yet I couldn’t get close enough. He brought up a hand to cup my face, and I leaned my head into it, relaxing at the gesture that brought back memories of being in bed, on the couch, at dinner—just being together.
“I missed you so much, Dima,” I whispered, wanting to close my eyes but not wanting to miss any moment of seeing him, feeling him, hearing him, or talking to him. I forced my eyes to remain open and resisted the urge to sink back into that normalcy because I knew we would have forever to be normal again.
“I missed you, too, Priya,” he said. He leaned in, initiating another passionate kiss—and only then I did let my eyes slide shut again.
Dimitri’s knuckles slid up and down the small area of my bicep as we lay in the grass together. I looked through the trees beyond the clearing, trying to make out if there was anything else besides vegetation.
“Priya, they can’t get you,” Dimitri said, and I picked my head up from his chest to look into his eyes. He stared back at me, trying to convey his truth, but I still felt uneasy. Dimitri gripped me tighter and sighed.
“Priya, do you trust me?”
I nodded.
“Do you trust me to protect you?” he asked, and I nodded again before he gave me a look that said, So, then? I smirked.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. I just… I’m having a hard time taking all of this in.” I laid my head back on his chest and took a deep breath as he started rubbing my back, up and down, in a tranquilizing way. “I know what to do to be with you, but I’m scared. The idea of dy—I mean, waking up scares me. You know I have a fear of knives. I also hate alcohol, so I can’t drink myself to wake up like Elli did.” Dimitri’s head moved slightly against mine.
“That’s already taken care of, angel,” he said. I placed my chin on his chest and gave him a confused look.
“You still have that old bottle of pills from Dr. Worblack right?” he asked, and I nodded gently. Dimitri continued to look at me expectantly, and I stared back, trying to think what he was trying to tell me.
Why do they make me guess so much? I thought the medication was bad!
The words Elli had said echoed through my mind.
“You… you guys want me to overdose?” I asked quietly and Dimitri nodded. He reached up and started playing with my hair, and I gulped, wondering what it would feel like. Would I just fall asleep? Would I feel my organs shutting down? How did it work?
“It doesn’t hurt, angel,” Dimitri whispered. He placed my hair behind my ear and sat us both up. I moved to sit in his lap with my legs stretched out behind him and my arms resting on his shoulders. He placed his hands on my waist and looked at me with his stern I know best look that always made me laugh.
“Imagine taking a sedative. It’s just like that. Remember when you got your teeth extractions? How you were put under anesthesia? Well, instead of counting backwards from ten and blacking out at eight, you’ll take the pills, all of them, and then you’ll pretend like you’re taking a nap. And then, when you wake up, you’ll be in the real world. And I’ll be there, Elli will be there, and your mom and sister, and everyone will be there.”
I smiled at the thought, my hands mindlessly playing with the long hair that fell down his neck. I thought of a new normal where everyone knew I was married, where I was in the body I was meant to be in, where the Russian government was defeated, and I looked at Dimitri’s eyes and saw his happiness mirroring mine.
“All right,” I said with a nod and a deep breath.
“All right, what?” he asked and I smiled.
“All right. I’m ready to wake up.” He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes briefly to take in the feeling, and when I opened them again, we were sitting on my living room floor. “Although I will miss the random scenery changes that come with being in a dream,” I joked as we stood up together.
“I have an old bottle of Seroquel in the kitchen. Should I use those?” I asked and Dimitri nodded. We walked together, hand in hand, to the kitchen, and I reached into the medicine cabinet to remove the bottle. It was half full. Two months after I started taking it, I had to switch to Abilify because the Seroquel made me have weird muscle spasms.
I stared at the bottle and looked at the small circular tablets. My throat tightened at the idea of swallowing all of them.
“Do you want to blend them up into a smoothie? It’ll probably taste better.”
I hurried toward the fridge to take out the strawberries. I quickly put together a strawberry and banana smoothie, pouring the bottle of pills in and blending it all up. When it was finished, I poured the entire smoothie into a glass. I looked at the time, saw it was only noon, and then at Dimitri, who was watching me expectantly. I looked back at the glass, then back at him. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that I was waking up, not dying.
I lifted the glass to my lips and began chugging, surprised by the fact that I couldn’t taste the expected chalky and dry flavor of the tablets. When I set the glass down, I smiled at Dimitri, and he handed me a napkin, which I used to wipe at my mouth. The moment felt anticlimactic. I felt like I had ruined this momentous occasion. There was no crying, no farewells, it was just… barely an event, like eating or taking a shower. It was so mundane, not a big deal at all.
“Come on,” Dimitri said, grabbing my hand and leading me up the stairs to my bedroom. When we entered my room, I took a long look at my surroundings. This moment felt bittersweet. Even though it was a simulation, I had so many memories in this world.
“Dima… will I still have my memories from this world?” I asked, and he nodded, giving my hand a squeeze.
“All of them,” he whispered, pulling me toward the bed. I looked at my tall water bottle and the pill bottle next to it and took in his words.
All of them. I’ll keep all of the memories.
Dimitri led me over to the bed and he jumped in, patting next to him on the side by the bedside table. I smiled and lay myself down, positioning myself next to him and feeling him wrap his arms around me.
All of them. I’ll keep all of my memories.
All of a sudden, memories of Aaron flooded my brain. The first time we met, our first date, and the night we slept next to each other.
The emotions that came with the memories surprised me. My heart felt like it was breaking. My eyes pricked with tears at the idea of never seeing him again, and I instantly felt guilty. I was a cheater, even though I hadn’t meant to be, and I felt terrible for Dimitri.
“Dima, I’m so sorry about Aaron,” I said. I began to sob into Dimitri’s arms. He gripped me tighter and began to calm me down as I profusely started apologizing to him and bawling my eyes out. “Dimitri, I feel… I feel dirty, and like I cheated on you and—”
“Priya, angel, stop it. You did no such thing. Aaron isn’t real. He’s a simulation, and you were in a tough situation. I completely understand and it’s okay.” Dimitri kissed my head and wiped at my tears.
“You whore!”
“Slut!”
“Trash!”
I heard the Russian voices, and I immediately cowered into Dimitri’s body, hiding my face in his shirt and gripping him tightly.
“Shh, it’s okay, Priya. I’ve got you. And once you wake up, I’ll have you for the rest of our lives. There is no Aaron, and once you wake up, there’ll be no Russian government chasing us,” Dimitri said, running his hand up and down my back, holding me tightly to him. “Try to sleep. Just let yourself fall asleep,”
I nodded, still crying silently.
Eventually, chills and tremors started spreading throughout my body. I stopped crying when my breathing became shallow and my heart started beating irregularly. I couldn’t tell if it was because of my crying, or my anxiety, but my heart felt heavy in my chest. With every erratic beat, it grew heavier and heavier. The pattern of the beating became a lullaby, almost a soothing rhythm that I focused on in my task to fall asleep. My body screamed that something was wrong, but despite that, I felt at peace, knowing it was just the Russian government’s ploy, maybe a deeply embedded projection. Maybe dying wasn’t as scary as it seemed. Maybe that was all just a Russian scheme to keep me from leaving the simulation. Either way, I had to shut out all the warning bells in my head. I couldn’t trust them.
“That’s it, Priya. We’re almost there.” Dimitri’s soft voice carried through my ear, and I realized then that his grip on me was gone. Through the foggy haze in my brain, I realized I was alone again on the bed. I wanted to cry out, to ask where Dimitri had gone, but I was too far under the spell of Mr. Sandman to reach out for him.
The last thing I heard before blackness overtook me was the front door opening and the woman posing as my mother calling out my name.
She’s early, I thought.
Then, darkness.