I was still in the world of darkness when I woke up, my eyes too heavy to open just yet. My mind felt foggy, my limbs felt heavy.
Was I restrained?
I groaned in an attempt to speak, but I was so sluggish that I couldn’t form proper words. I felt a pair of hands on my right arm and heard my mom’s voice as she started talking.
“Jasmine, go call a nurse,” she said.
I opened my eyes, then immediately closed them because of the blinding overhead light.
“Jasmine, turn the lights off,” I heard my mom say. There were footsteps, then the flick of a switch, and then more footsteps fading away. I opened my eyes and blinked numerous times to adjust to the light around me. When my vision cleared and focused, I saw my mom leaning over me with concern in her puffy red eyes. I blinked up at her and noticed a large window behind her head letting in a generous flood of natural light.
“Thank God you’re awake, Priya.”
Did I wake up? Am I awake?
“I’m awake?” I tried to ask, but the only sounds that came out sounded like “an ache.”
“Are you hurting anywhere?” my mom asked. I tried to shake my head, but it felt heavy, so it more or less just fell to the right, which brought into vision the restraints that appeared to bind my lower extremities.
Why am I restrained?
I heard footsteps rushing into my room; then I felt a cold tingle and pressure on my left shoulder.
“Hi, Priya. Do you know where you are?” I heard a soft, pleasant voice ask. I simply shook my head again. It felt slightly lighter, though not enough to pick up just yet.
I glanced up at my mom and saw her look over my head, then back down at me.
“Priya, chotu, you’re in the hospital,” my mom whispered to me, and I nodded my head, signaling that I knew that much.
“I’ll go call Dr. Worblack,” I heard the nurse say, and my curiosity piqued.
Is Dr. Worblack real too? Was the Russian version just a copy of my real doctor?
I felt a twinge in my neck and instantly picked my head up again as I became more aware and in control of my body. I rolled my shoulders back, but it took more effort than I expected and tired me out again immediately. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again, only to see Dimitri standing behind my mom.
Seeing him invigorated and energized me. I smiled and I tried to reach out but was stopped by the restraints around me.
“Dimitri, tell them to take this off me,” I said, coherently but groggily, as I closed my eyes again to rest them.
There was only silence around me—no action. I opened my eyes again and looked at my mom and sister, who were looking at me strangely.
“What? Why am I restrained? Dimitri, tell them to let me go,” I said with a soft cough.
“Priya, why are you talking to Dimitri?” my mom asked carefully, and I looked at her curiously.
“What are you talking about? He’s my husband. Why wouldn’t I talk to him?”
My mom and sister exchanged a glance before my sister looked at me and spoke.
“Priya, can you… can you see Dimitri right now?” she asked softly, and I felt my face fall.
“Of course, I can see him. He’s right there.” I tried to raise my hand and point at him but was again held back, so my hand only twisted and pointed in a weird, upward angle. My mom and sister looked at each other again, and I looked between them, confused.
Did it not work? Did I not wake up? But I’m awake… How did I wake up in the hospital if I didn’t wake up in the real world?
I heard footsteps rush into the room again and watched as Dr. Worblack came in, his black hair slicked back, blue tie neatly knotted around his neck, and gray button-up shirt tucked into his blue pants.
“Hello again, Priya. Do you know why you’re here today?” he asked as he came to the foot of my bed, picked up a clipboard, and began scanning it. I stared at him, wondering what the right answer was, wondering what actually happened.
“I woke up,” I said, the words slipping through without me thinking over them. Everyone in the room paused and looked at me.
“Well… yes, you’re awake, and you’re awake in the hospital. But can you tell me what happened yesterday?” Dr. Worblack asked. I tried to think back to what my last memory was.
Dimitri said I would remember everything. Maybe they are testing that. But why is everyone acting like Dimitri isn’t here?
“I… yesterday, I… was in the simulation world. The one created by the Russians. Dimitri told me I had to die in that world in order to wake up in this world, so I overdosed,” I said slowly, remembering the previous day’s events. I looked at the white sheets on me as the memories flowed through my brain like waves. I looked up and noticed Elli was now in the room, standing next to Dimitri in the corner, watching me. I furrowed my brow at them and then looked at Dr. Worblack again.
“I’m awake, aren’t I? As in… I’m in the real world, right? I see Dimitri and Elli right there. Why won’t you let them near me?” I asked hesitantly. My mom turned her head around to look at Dimitri and Elli before she turned back toward my sister, tears in her eyes as she sniffled and took a step away from the bed.
“Priya. You’re awake and you’re in the real world, but… Dimitri isn’t real and… Elli is gone. Remember?” my sister said from my left. I stared at her, horrified, before looking at Dimitri and Elli again for confirmation, or an explanation, or really any sort of clarification.
“Angel, it’s the Russians. They got to you before I could. You’re still in the simulation.” Dimitri shook his head.
I felt my heart rate pick up and adrenaline course through my body as if I were getting ready for a fistfight. I felt like I wanted a fight. I was filled with so many emotions—confusion, sadness, anger, and denial—and I needed a way to let them out.
“You’re wrong! You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong! You’re all a simulation, and you’re working for the Russians! I know you’re not real. Dimitri and Elli are the real ones!” I screamed as the tears fell from my eyes. My body felt heavy like lead again as I tried to break free from the restraints, with no luck. The lack of energy didn’t stop me, though. I screamed uncontrollably, as loud as I could, straining to break free from the restraints. My screams and proclamations of the truth echoed in the room; I tried my best to keep fighting, but my body was too heavy, too sedated to be of much use to me. The simulation version of my mom and my fake sister were ushered out of the room by the nurses, and Dr. Worblack followed suit.
“Let her get it out. She’s safe here; she just needs to process,” I heard Dr. Worblack say, and I screamed louder in defiance, screamed until I couldn’t scream anymore, and only soft, breathy wails came out.
When the room was empty, I looked over to see Dimitri and Elli rushing over to me from the corner. Elli moved to sit on the edge of the bed on my right, while Dimitri crawled onto the bed with me and held me as I cried.
“I’m sorry. I failed. I failed and now the Russians have me tighter than before,” I said as I sobbed into Dimitri’s shirt, his arms around me a dull comfort. The disappointment I felt in myself was unparalleled.
“Don’t apologize, Priya. We have a plan,” Elli said.
“We’ll get you out of here, I promise. I’ve got you, angel. We’ve got you,” Dimitri said. He petted my hair and held me until I passed out again.
I woke up later that night to someone softly calling out my name. My eyes fluttered open and focused on the softly lit courtyard that I could see through my room’s window.
“Priya,” I heard a woman say. I looked to the left to see a nurse standing next to me with two cups, one tiny and translucent with three pills in it, and one that was medium-sized and made of paper. I turned my head away, knowing she was working for the Russians and trying to give me medication to control my mind.
“Priya, it’s time for your medication,” she said, just as pleasantly as before.
“No,” I said defiantly, looking away from her and out the window. It was dark outside but well-lit by the moon. The courtyard reminded me of the forest, and I felt tears prick my eyes at the blissful memory of the previous day and my hope of escaping the simulation.
“Priya, come on. Either you take it willingly, or I force it down,” she said, and although it was quite a threat, she didn’t have any malice in her voice. I shook my head again, determined to hold on to my resolve for as long as possible.
“Priya, I’ll make you a deal. Every night you take the medication, I’ll give you a reward. How about if you take the meds tonight, I’ll let you sleep with minimal restraints?”
I thought about her offer, wondering if I could use this to my benefit. Maybe if I gained their trust enough, I could break free again at some point.
“Be patient, angel,” I heard Dimitri say from the corner, and I nodded at him before turning toward the nurse and nodding a second time.
She helped me sit up and gave me the translucent cup first, then the water. I took a bit of water in my mouth before putting all the pills in. I could feel one of them floating around before I swallowed them all whole. I took another drink of the water, finishing it in that one gulp.
“May I have some more water?” I asked, realizing how parched I was. The nurse smiled before moving to my bedside and pouring some water into the paper cup. She returned to my side and gave me the cup, and I hastily drained it again. The nurse kept her word, however, and removed the straps from my legs so I could freely move them; but my left wrist remained strapped to the bedrail.
Soon the nurse left, and I curled into myself on my left side as I tried to think through the events of the morning.
I’m so stupid. I can’t even die properly. If I can’t even kill myself correctly, how am I going to get out of this simulation?
“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”
“Trash. Trash. Trash.”
The Russian voices started at an alarmingly high volume, and I cried at the overwhelming emotional assault.
“I’ve got you, angel,” Dimitri said behind me as he snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. The voices remained the same volume, but having him there to hold me while I cried was a comfort, nonetheless.
Other than the voices, the room was quiet—I was so overcome, I couldn’t get out what I wanted to say immediately. Eventually, I turned onto my other side and curled myself into Dimitri, his arms holding me tighter.
“What if… what if I keep taking the medication and I end up believing you never existed again? What if the Russians win?” I asked quietly.
“That won’t happen, angel. You’re stronger than them. You’re stronger than all of them,” he whispered into my hair, but his words didn’t erase the thoughts from my head.
The fear of never seeing Dimitri again, never seeing Elli again, was pressing and strong in my mind. It would have kept me up all night if I didn’t have lead for eyelids. They were too weighted down, and soon I drifted back to sleep.