My mom brought my phone to me along with my homework that morning, and I had never been so thankful for music. Jasmine had created a Spotify playlist for me called “Get well and get buck,” a combination of soft, chill music, and hyped-up, confidence-boosting songs. It was the kind of playlist I never thought I needed, but I was glad it existed. That gratitude I felt for my sister blossomed further in my chest.
I paged through my assignments. Doing my homework got me in a state of flow, and I was thankful for the mental break from my own mind. The math problems came easily to me, as always, but the chemistry, despite claiming to be math based, was anything but easy.
It wasn’t until I came to my AP Government and AP Psych homework that I paused. Ms. Chen had written a little note in my AP Government homework assignments reassuring me that they would be graded on a pass/no pass scale, although she was confident I would pass the assignments. The AP Psych homework and notes were written in a familiar handwriting that didn’t belong to Amanda.
Wait… who did my mom get these notes from? And what did she tell my teachers about where I’ve been and why I’ll be absent for a while?
I immediately unlocked my phone, went to my texts, and saw the little red bubbles notifying me of the missed call and eight texts I had been completely ignoring.
When I opened the texting app, I saw that I had three texts from Amanda, two from my mom from the day of the incident, and three from Aaron. The missed call was from Aaron, just yesterday.
Amanda: Hey Priya, are you okay?
Amanda: Hey, you haven’t been to class in a few days, are you okay?
Amanda: BRUH! I just heard you’re in the hospital! Please tell me you’re okay!
To say I was surprised by Amanda’s concern for me would be an understatement. I was absolutely shocked, but I was touched. The fact that she was texting me somehow broke through the wall I had put up around myself to make me feel and think I was alone. My sister’s words about being grounded played in my head again, and I realized what she may have wanted to say but couldn’t at the time.
The more people I have in my corner in a certain world, the stronger my belief will be in that world. I have to create reasons to believe in this world more than the other.
I imagined my brain being held up by puppet strings that were maneuvered by my illness, and I felt one of those strings snap away. However, rather than my brain dipping down on the side of the snipped string, my brain felt lighter, like it was floating and holding itself up.
I smiled at Amanda’s texts and took a deep breath before scrolling up to see Aaron’s.
Aaron: Hey, I know I’m supposed to be giving you space, but you haven’t been in school in a few days and I’m a little worried. Honestly, I don’t expect a reply, but maybe a read receipt showing you read this message so I know you’re okay.
Aaron: Okay it’s been a few hours and you’re officially ignoring me so I’ll just stop. I’m sorry, Priya.
Aaron: YOU’RE IN THE HOSPITAL? Priya, please answer the phone! I’m going out of my mind with worry! Your mom asked the school for your homework and gave my mom a doctor’s note saying you won’t be in school for a while. She also asked me to get you your notes and homework. Please call me back.
I cringed at the texts from Aaron. I felt like very sharp, pointy sticks had popped a balloon filled with water above my head, drowning me in an obscene amount of guilt. I felt ashamed for turning both Amanda and Aaron away when they were only trying to help me. I had even left my mom and sister out of my life… all because I wanted to be with Dimitri and Elli.
I’m a monster. I’m a terrible, horrible human being.
I sighed, wondering if I should text Amanda and Aaron and tell them I was okay.
They deserve to know. They have only ever wanted me to be okay. They aren’t sharks, Priya; you need to stop being afraid of letting people in. Elli is gone, so you have to make up for her being gone with other people. Not replace her, just… fill the gap enough to be okay.
I was about to send Amanda a text, but then I realized the time. I rushed off to see Avery before my group therapy.
“So you received worried texts from Aaron and Amanda while you’ve been away. That’s nice. How does that make you feel?” Avery asked. I shrugged, rubbing my hands together. I had ditched the blanket that day, feeling a sense of empowerment and warmth that gave me the courage to not hide behind it, but in that moment, there was no warmth. I was in desperate need of some.
“It… put things into perspective. I’ve come to realize that I’ve always had a hard time making friends and letting people in, mostly because I always thought I had more than enough in Elli, my mom, and my sister… but mostly Elli. I think after Dimitri came into the picture, it got even worse because he was basically my whole world, and my… situation… made that especially true.” I took a deep breath, shaking my head. “It was so… normal, receiving those texts. It was like… This is going to make no sense, but the mundane nature of them was so… grounding. It was grounding to the point where I thought of Dimitri and Elli as separate from me—from reality. I don’t know how to explain it; but even doing homework was helpful in that it gave me a distraction, and it was such a normal task. I feel like I can’t remember anything normal about the world Dimitri and Elli are talking about, yet I remember mundane tasks from this world, like reading and doing homework. In this world, even the insignificant things matter and are memorable. But for some reason, I don’t remember anything from that world outside of my time with Dimitri,” I said, leaning back against the couch and rubbing my arms.
Avery looked at me for a few seconds before smiling. “Priya, you’re showing immense progress, and I’m very proud of you. What is something final you think you need to be fully grounded in this world?” she asked.
I looked at the gray carpet of her office, at the little holes in it that were part of the pattern, and tried to see them as connected in some figure or design.
What do I need? Am I even smart enough or capable of knowing?
I didn’t know what to say. After not being able to trust anyone or anything, I couldn’t see how anyone could think I was capable of creating a viable or real solution to this issue. How could people think I actually knew what was best for me?
If you don’t know, then who does? If you don’t let anyone in, how can you expect others to give you the solutions you’re seeking?
“I think… I think I need time, and-and separation. I need time in this world, time with people, time to be grounded and to heal. I need more people in my life to ground me and keep me separated from that world. Kind of like… dividers?” I looked down at my hands, seeing how my fingers were intertwined, seeing the way they were squeezed together tightly.
I held them up and looked at Avery. “I think this is me right now. My right hand is me, and my left hand is Dimitri and Elli. Everything is intertwined, and everything is tightly glued together. And it looks and feels like it fits, right?” Avery nodded, and I nodded back, hoping I was about to make sense as I pulled my hands apart. “But I think… I have to put space between us. And that space has to be filled with people who support me—who ground me and care about me.” I put my hands side by side, my thumbs the farthest apart. “Like… if I’m my right thumb, and Dimitri and Elli are my left thumb, then the fingers in between, keeping us apart, are people in my life who care about me and love me, like my mom, my sister, Amanda, and…” Aaron.
My thoughts trailed off when Aaron’s name popped into my mind, the realization of how good he was to me hitting me like a truck. I didn’t deserve him, and yet he tried to stay by my side throughout it all. He probably would have been there to help me after Elli. If only I had let him in, none of this would have happened.
But even beyond Aaron, Amanda was there too. She had tried to come into my space as well, and just like with Aaron, I didn’t let her. I was too busy being a hurt animal, ditched on the side of the road, and instead of trying to crawl to safety, I’d been committing the suicide mission of crawling straight into traffic.
That was definitely something I needed to work on if I hoped to survive in this world. I couldn’t keep trying to be on my own or shut people out. But more than that, I had to seriously want this world to be real and learn how to maintain that.
“What are you thinking about, Priya?” Avery’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I dropped my hands to my lap, feeling little wet droplets on my sweats. I furrowed my brows and looked down, watching tears fall from my eyes. I felt them burn, and immediately, I dabbed and swiped at the tears.
“I want to survive in this world. I need to be better about letting people in, and I need to be better about having people to ground me… but… I need to ground myself first,” I said through my sniffles. Avery handed me a tissue box, and I pulled tissue after tissue out of the box, trying to muffle my sobs.
“That sounds like a plan,” Avery said. She smiled her signature genuine smile, putting me at ease.
“Check-in time!” Dr. Jackson announced as we all settled into our chairs.
“Charlotte, would you like to start today?” Dr. Jackson asked, and Charlotte paused slightly, tensing up before nodding. She wore jeans, an oversized white V-neck t-shirt, and a pair of sunglasses on top of her head. Her white slip-on sneakers were similar to those my sister had worn earlier in the week.
“Um, I’d say I’m at an eight today. My dad encouraged me to sign up for my church’s worship team, which basically means I would sing on Sundays, if they let me, or if they need me to. It’s pretty nerve-racking, signing up to serve at church. I’m… not many people know about my disorder, and there’s kind of a taboo against mental illness in the Christian community; so I haven’t opened up to many people about it yet. But the ones who do know have been very supportive. I don’t know why I’m still afraid to talk to people about it, but I’m praying that God will grant me the strength to open up and will hopefully provide me a safe space within my favorite community,” Charlotte said, sighing when she finished.
“Ouch. You mean we aren’t your favorite community?” Jonathan asked, his hand gripping his shirt over his heart as he shook his head. Charlotte rolled her eyes but couldn’t hide the smirk on her face, and I smiled, holding back my own laugh.
“Why don’t you go next, Jonathan?” Dr. Jackson asked, and Jonathan instantly sat up straight in his chair, clearing his throat and looking down at the ground as he thought and tried to compose himself.
“I’d say… I’m at a six point three. The other day in art therapy, I saw some colors and paints that kind of inspired me. Not to mention I had a great model.” Jonathan winked at me and I rolled my eyes. He turned back to the group with a laugh. “I don’t know what I’m thinking yet, but I have some inspiration to paint and will hopefully have a masterpiece created by the end of summer. Who knows?” He shrugged.
“Wow!” Bryan jumped in. “That’s really good to hear! I’m also somewhere around a six.” He settled back in his chair. “My dad and I had a family therapy session and set up this sort of… code of conduct for us when talking to each other. We’re working on using ‘I’ statements and not blaming each other for the other’s stress, telling each other how the other’s actions impact us instead. I don’t know how this will work in our relationship yet, but I’m trying to stay hopeful.” We all nodded, smiling.
“That’s great news, Bryan. Priya, are you ready to go?” Dr. Jackson asked, and I nodded, looking down at the dark patterned carpet.
“I’d say… I’m at a six point seven. I think I’m close to having a breakthrough, but I don’t really know what more I need to really break through the surface. Today I realized that I have people who care about me beyond Elli. I basically have multiple reasons to believe in this world and to let go of my past and the other world. It’s… liberating, actually. As I’m talking about it, I’m realizing all the things I have to live for in this reality and how much of a community I have.” I looked up and glanced at Jonathan, Charlotte, Bryan, and even Dr. Jackson. “I’m gonna be honest and say I didn’t want to come to this group at first. And even though I still don’t see how it’s meant to be helpful—no offense—I think… just the normalcy of it is super grounding. That may not be the intended way of mindfulness and grounding, but just hearing you guys talk about your lives, seeing your interactions, interacting with you myself is… really grounding and helpful,” I said, smiling as my thoughts trailed off and I finished trying to convey my sentiment.
“Aww, you’re making me get all emotional,” Jonathan said. He sniffed and swiped at fake tears, making us all crack up.
I looked at Jonathan and Charlotte and Bryan while Dr. Jackson continued with that day’s exercise, and I couldn’t help but think I’d found more people to put in between Dimitri and Elli and me.
Maybe this group is actually a good thing.
I sat in the common area and did my homework for AP Government. Since we were done with the AP tests, we were now doing “fun” things related to government that weren’t part of the curriculum, like learning about the laws that passed giving the LGBTQ+ community certain inherent rights, including the right to marriage. We also talked about drug laws, like if a school can search a student’s bags if they are suspected of carrying weed.
“Damn, I remember when I first did weed.” Elli’s voice made me tense up, but I continued to read the notes Aaron had written for me.
Don’t engage. Don’t talk to her. You have been doing so well; don’t fall back now.
“Good job, by the way, on getting the government to trust you. Don’t worry, we’ll handle everything once you’re out,” she said, and I sighed, trying to take deep breaths as a means of restraining myself and focusing on my homework, but also as a means to control my heart that shouldn’t have, but did, flip at what Elli had offered.
“Angel, do you still want to wake up?” Dimitri’s calm and sympathetic voice floated through my ears and touched my soul. He was sitting on my left, Elli on my right, and I felt sandwiched between them, making it hard for me to breathe and choose.
I need to walk. I need to get out of here.
I collected my things, holding my notebooks and papers close to my chest as I quickly strolled out of the common room, not making eye contact with anyone or looking up at anyone near me.
As I walked down the hall, I could hear Elli and Dimitri’s distinct footsteps following me. I felt their eyes on the back of my neck, their presence tagging along.
When I arrived back at my room, I set my things down on one of the chairs and plopped myself on the bed, huffing as I tried to calm my heart and brain down.
“Priya, don’t you miss us? Don’t you love us?” Elli asked, sounding annoyed and shocked.
I looked to the edge of my bed and saw Elli sitting down and Dimitri standing against the wall. Elli had on the same outfit she had been wearing since the day I first saw her after the funeral. Black tank top, cutoff denim shorts, and ratty black sneakers. Her hair was up in its now permanent ponytail.
Dimitri looked the same as well: same long blond hair, same navy t-shirt, same ankle-length black pants, and same white sneakers. No stains in sight. No holes, no fading, nothing. His outfit was in pristine condition, and the only way that would be possible was if he had a new outfit every week.
And just like that, finally, the pieces clicked. Finally, the choice was clear.
“This isn’t a question of missing or loving,” I said, gripping the bedsheets in my fists. My voice was level and calm, not raised enough to alert any nurses who might be walking by, but also definitely not quiet. “This is a question of life or death, of healthy versus unhealthy. Holding on to you two is not healthy. Holding on to you two won’t ‘wake me up,’ as you claim. It will kill me, and I can’t do that. Not to my mom, not to my sister, or Amanda, or… Aaron.” I sighed again at the end, feeling the reality that I was alone in the room. My eyelids felt heavy, the vein above my right eyebrow pulsing, and I closed my eyes, letting myself feel the silence and solitude.
It’s time to start over. It’s time to start a new life, without the two people who made life worth living for so long.
The weight of those words began to drag me down. I felt like Atlas, struggling to carry the world on his shoulders.
I had to create a new plan. I had to create a new routine and a new life—a life without Elli and Dimitri.
I had already created a life without Dimitri last year, but I felt bad for beginning to move on from Elli. Now that I had digested the fact that she was dead, that she was not coming back, I couldn’t help but think I was moving on too soon from her memory. However, even though it felt too soon, I knew that the longer I dwelled on her, the stronger my pull to her hallucination would be. And the harder it would be to let go and stay grounded in this reality.
That’s what pulled me into this mess in the first place with Dimitri. I was hesitating to move on. I felt like I needed more time, that I needed to hold on to him longer, but there was a difference between gripping tightly to someone’s existence and holding on to their memory. I was gripping Dimitri’s existence so tightly it had almost cost me my life.
I needed to learn to adapt. I had to learn to let go of these unhealthy urges in my life. Elli was my best friend, and no one would ever replace her. But maybe that was a good thing. Maybe I needed to let her go, and I needed to start fresh, start coping with my illness in a different and new way.
I couldn’t rely on other people to be my sole reality checks. I had to create my own that I could do alone. Maybe Avery could help me develop them from the coping methods I had learned from her during our outpatient therapy. Maybe I could do outpatient therapy for the next two weeks, twice a week, and only taper off if I felt okay. I had a few months until college started—if I was still allowed to go to college—to get my life together, and I was determined to do so.
I took out my notebook and wrote down a new checklist.
•Graduate
•Cut my hair
•Move on from Dimitri and Elli
•Start college
•Get back into running
It was a simple list, probably not the best, but it was a good starting outline for a new plan.
A new plan for a new life.