You got this, Priya. You’re going to be fine. They’re not sharks; they’re people.
I walked through campus toward my first class of the day, completely aware of the stares I received, and cognizant that while some may have just stemmed from paranoia, others were for sure real. Despite the stares, I held my head high and smiled as I thought up a positive reason for people to be staring.
They’re all amazed at your haircut and the fact that you’re wearing makeup for once, and how badass you look now.
My confidence was short-lived and stuttered a bit as I walked into my AP Gov class. Would Ms. Chen be angry at me for the way I’d treated her son? I hadn’t needed to talk to her personally for a while and had no idea what to expect. I took a deep breath and headed for her desk.
To my surprise, she smiled. “Priya! Welcome back.”
I smiled, too, thankful that she didn’t hate me—or, at least, that she wouldn’t show it outwardly.
“Thank you, Ms. Chen. I wanted to turn in the assignments I missed recently.” I slung my backpack around to the front of my body and pulled out the folder stuffed with AP Government papers.
“I knew you would catch up without any problems,” Ms. Chen said. “Also, now that you’re feeling better, I hope you’ll come over for dinner soon. I can make the fish again, since you seemed to like it so much.”
“Oh, I don’t—”
I was cut off by the bell ringing for class to start, and Ms. Chen shooed me to my seat. Confused, I walked off to my seat and tried to focus on the class, but my mind was stuck on her invitation.
Why would she ask me to come over after the way I treated Aaron? Is she just that nice? Or… does she not know we broke up?
The rest of my classes flew by, and I was greeted warmly by teachers. Some students even gave me a double take, with most of the girls telling me how good I looked with my new haircut. I smiled and thanked them, trying to be as warm and friendly as possible. I began to build up the courage to talk to people while I walked from class to class, pleasantly surprised by all the compliments I was receiving on my haircut and surprised by the fact that people even noticed I got one.
When fourth period rolled around, however, my feet dragged in the hall on the way to class.
AP Psych. Aaron and Amanda. You got this, Priya. Don’t be scared. Remember: people, not sharks.
I took a few deep breaths as the classroom came into view and paused a few feet outside.
Just go. Go—in three… two… one.
I took the few final steps needed to enter the classroom and sensed the formerly buzzing room fall quiet. I hesitated near the door, uncomfortable standing at the entrance but frozen like a deer in headlights, those headlights being Aaron’s eyes.
He was staring at me with his jaw slightly open, eyes bulging.
We just looked at each other for only a second, probably. He moved to get up, but halfway out of his chair, he hesitated and sat back down, composing himself before resuming his conversation with the guy sitting next to him.
I looked to the back and saw Amanda. Unlike Aaron, she was still openly and very obviously gawking, her jaw dropped and eyes wide open. I smiled at her and walked up to the open seat next to her.
“Is this seat still open?” I asked meekly, and she nodded vigorously. She kept watching me as I sat down, and when I turned to her with a smile, she finally snapped out of her awe and gave me a glare.
“Uhh, hello? Did you not get any of my texts? You disappear for a week and magically reappear looking like a model?”
Before I could think of some way to respond, the bell rang. I smiled at her, feeling that sense of normalcy grasp me again, but this time… it felt nostalgic. Amanda’s remarks reminded me of something Elli would have said, and I could easily see how they were friends in the first place. They were very alike in their mannerisms, even though they were different in so many other ways.
If I was lucky, I would have the chance to become better friends with Amanda, learning more of those differences and similarities.
“I’ll explain at lunch. If… if you want to have lunch together.”
Amanda looked at me, shocked.
“Uhh, yeah! That sounds good,” she said, and I smiled at her, just as Mr. Leonard stood up from his desk and began class.
I can honestly say I was not focused whatsoever in class. When the bell rang at the end of the period, rather than looking away from the front of the class and from the teacher, I dragged my eyes away from the back of Aaron’s head. I had been eyeing him the whole time.
As soon as the bell rang, I quickly shoved all my stuff into my backpack and gave Amanda a wait sign with my hands. I dashed after Aaron just as he was leaving the classroom.
“Aaron!” I called after him, shocked by my own boldness as I chased after him into the bright sunlight. I cringed as the glare pierced my eyes. Holding up my hand, I watched as Aaron looked at me for a few seconds in silence, then told his friends to go on without him. He turned to look at me and took only a few steps toward me, remaining out of my reach.
I had this coming, I thought. He deserves better. But he also deserves an explanation.
I gulped. Lowering my hand, I twisted my fingers awkwardly in the hem of my shirt. I looked at the ground, feeling small and self-conscious.
“Um… I owe you an explanation,” I said. Looking up, I saw Aaron staring at me, one hand in the pocket of his shorts, the other holding the strap of his backpack.
“I was in the hospital again because… I tried to attempt suicide.” His eyes widened. “But—but not like that! Not like… not like I wanted to die. I just wanted to wake up and be with Dimitri and Elli.” I held my hands up, pleading. Aaron only shook his head and continued looking at me.
“Jesus, I am not explaining this properly. Can we… can we just talk over lunch? With Amanda? I feel like I owe both of you an explanation.”
Aaron sighed and looked at his feet, hiding his expression.
“Fine.”
I sighed with relief, knowing that although he deserved better, I still selfishly wanted to keep him in my life.
I rushed back into the classroom where Amanda was waiting, then ushered her out to the quad, where we found a grassy spot for the three of us to sit and eat our lunch.
The whole time we were eating, or supposed to be eating, I caught Amanda up on my illness from the beginning. Then I told them both what happened the last month that caused my hospitalization. The whole time, Amanda and Aaron quietly listened, although Amanda started crying by the end of it.
“Priya! That’s the most tragic love story I have ever heard. It’s like… you and Dimitri are star-crossed, forbidden lovers! No offense, man,” Amanda said, sniffling, as she turned to Aaron. He just groaned. I could see a hint of an eye roll, before he looked even further away from us, his hands brushing the grass next to him as we sat on the green hill.
I awkwardly laughed. “Please don’t say that, Amanda. I’m literally just starting to get healthy again. I don’t need that kind of… messaging right now.” I said it as politely as I could.
Amanda gasped. “Oh! I’m sorry, Priya. I don’t know why I said that. But… thank you for telling me. For telling us.” I nodded, smiling, but I was watching Aaron. He was looking at the ground again, playing with a few strands of grass, his knees up and his arms wrapped around them.
“No problem. I… came to a realization while I was in the hospital, I guess. I have to let people in more. And I also wanted to apologize for the way I just… ignored you two. Especially when all you wanted to do was help. I just didn’t know how to take help or how to accept it from… you know…” I said as my words trailed off. I continued to watch Aaron. He had barely responded to my explanation.
“It’s okay, Priya,” Amanda said. “You reacted the only way you knew how to. But please, if you can, don’t shut us—or me, I guess—out again.”
The bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Amanda packed up and gave me a quick hug, which I welcomed, before rushing off to her AP US History class.
Aaron stayed where he was. Hesitantly, I moved closer to him, watching to see if he would move away. When he didn’t, I took it as okay to speak.
“Aaron, I’m so, so—”
“If you say sorry, I’m going to explode,” he whispered, and I pulled back slightly, surprised by his remark.
So maybe his stillness wasn’t the go-ahead to start talking.
“Priya. Walk me through it again. Why didn’t you just tell me what was going on?” he asked despondently. I gulped, thinking through my words carefully, trying to figure out how to both convey why I had reacted the way I did and word it in a way that he could possibly understand.
“Have you ever been in love, Aaron? In a way where the world changes when that person is around? Where, even reality changes?” I asked, and he gave a ghostly nod. “Well, whenever Dimitri is involved, I lose all sense of reality. Of what’s right and what’s wrong. It’s… something I worked on while I was in the hospital, and it’s something I’m still working on. But you also have to understand that he offered me a way to bring Elli back. He basically offered me my whole world back, and I—it was an offer I didn’t know how to refuse. I didn’t want to get you involved, and I didn’t know how to tell you because… honestly, I was so caught up in that world, in my mission, and I didn’t think I could involve you. I also didn’t want you to be dragged down with me as I went on this suicide mission with my ex, or whatever he was. I just… I wasn’t thinking, Aaron, and I’m… I hope you can forgive me.”
The air around us was dry, the wind was quiet, and no sounds filled the space between us for what felt like hours.
“Priya, it’s you.” He looked up at me with glossy eyes. “You’re the only person I’ve been in love with, and while my reality never changed in the way yours did… Priya, when you broke up with me, my world shattered. I know we’re only in high school, and we have our whole lives ahead of us. But damn it, Priya, I already saw my life with you. You’re my first love and—fuck, I don’t know. I wanted to be your first real love, your first real everything. Once you told me about him, I told myself not to think about competing with Dimitri. I knew I would probably lose that battle, what with the way you talked about him and how recently he had disappeared from your life. But I thought I would be more important than a… hallucination.” He looked away and sniffled, swiping at his eyes with the backs of his hands. I wanted to interject, to comfort him, to tell him something that would take away his pain. I didn’t know what to say, and I knew he had more he needed to get off his chest.
Finally, he looked at me, his eyes red and lashes glued together by tears.
“I meant it when I said I would be here for you. I get that I couldn’t be there for you physically at first, and I guess I can understand… well, no, I can’t understand what you were going through. But I will trust you. If you say you are better, and if you say you can handle me by your side again, then I’m here for you. I am hurt, really hurt, but”—he swallowed—“I can’t imagine I’m as hurt as you were if you wanted to… wake up from this world.”
At that, I couldn’t hold back the tears that welled up and fell from my eyes. I shook my head, looking far upward, trying to lighten the pressure building up behind my eyes and get myself under enough control to speak.
“Aaron…” I cleared my throat, and when I began again, my voice was steadier. “I do want you by my side. But… I think we need time to heal. I think… you need time to process. I’m sure there’s a part of you that despises me right now, and… I think there’s a part of me that hates myself, too, for the way I treated you.” I took a deep breath, thinking through my next words carefully before speaking. “Remember when I said my illness doesn’t change who I am? Well, that was only partially true. I think it actually makes me who I am, but it doesn’t define me. It’s a big part of me, and it always will be. I’ll have good moments, hopefully most of the time, but I’ll also have bad moments. And I need you to be okay with that. So… can we start over? Take it slow? And start with just being friends again?”
Aaron had silent tears streaming down his cheeks but he nodded. I was flooded with an immense sense of loss, even though he was right by my side and he’d agreed to what I asked. I couldn’t help the immense feeling of missing him. I missed being held by him, I missed kissing him, and I missed knowing I was with him. But I knew we both needed to be in the right frame of mind to handle that.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” I said. “I just… I think I have to sort through a lot still. I want to be completely grounded in this world, and completely over Dimitri, so I can be… completely yours, or whoever’s.”
Once we were able to compose ourselves, we sat on the lawn by the campus and stared at the nearly empty road, watching as the few cars drove by.
“So your mom made an interesting comment earlier in gov,” I said. Aaron looked at me curiously. I raised an eyebrow, and he began to blush slightly before looking away.
“Does she know we broke up?” I asked. He continued to look off in the opposite direction from me, giving me my answer. I smiled at him, feeling a hot air balloon filled with longing rise up in my chest. “Good. No need to tell her something that won’t be true in the future.” After I said it, I cringed. Stupid mouth. Now it was my turn to look away as Aaron’s head whipped toward me.
“That didn’t sound like taking it slow.”
“I never said how far in the future it would be,” I said. I snuck a peak at Aaron. He was grinning so widely, he almost had two dimples.
“Don’t worry,” he said with a wink. “That future won’t be too far away.” I laughed. Although I hated that our relationship was in limbo, the anticipation of what was to come made me giddy with excitement. I didn’t know how long it would take for me to get where I needed to be, but I could feel that another of the strings connecting my brain to the puppeteer, and keeping me from moving on, had snapped.
“By the way,” Aaron said, his grin becoming almost shy, “you look gorgeous with this haircut.”
I gave a little hair flip. “Really? Do elaborate.”
We erupted into playful laughter and banter, and I felt that balloon in my chest expand with warmth and a feeling of belonging.