“Would you like to share, Priya?”
I nodded, uncrossing my legs, only to cross them again with the opposite leg on top. The foot on top shook, as usual, and I clasped my hands together around my knee.
“I’d say I’m at a nine. It’s been a little over a month since graduating high school, and it still feels surreal. I’ve also been doing extremely well, mentally. I’m able to ignore my hallucinations, if I have any at all, and I’m happy with the way my life is right now. I still think about Elli and Dimitri from time to time, even hear them sometimes, but I know they aren’t real when I hear them. I’m taking my medication as prescribed, I’ve been checking in with my psychiatrist and therapist regularly, and everything seems to be going really well.”
Dr. Jackson smiled at me and nodded. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well, Priya. Who is next?”
“I’ll go,” Jonathan said, sitting up straight in his chair. “I’d say I’m also at a nine. I painted a portrait last week. Nothing too extreme; but I submitted it to a local gallery, and they’ve decided to showcase it at their art show next week. Who knows? I might get discovered, become famous.” Jonathan looked at Charlotte, giving her a wink. She rolled her eyes, and I smiled fondly. Shortly after Jonathan had sketched my portrait in art therapy, he gave it to me in group.
“Holy shit, Jonathan, this really isn’t me,” I’d said, amazed and shocked at the fully colored and filled in image in front of me.
“You gotta work on that self-esteem, P. It’s you. Accept it and love it.”
“What about the band?” Bryan asked, pulling me off memory lane. He was wearing a pair of denim jeans and a short-sleeved black shirt. Although he still looked skinny, he had definitely put on some weight.
“What band?” Dr. Jackson asked, looking at all of us.
“We’ve decided to form a band. It’s called ‘Counseling S(Quad),’” Charlotte said with a laugh, putting up the parentheses with her hands. She was wearing her hair tied up in a messy bun with a summer scarf. She looked radiant, like she was on top of the world, and I had a feeling it wasn’t from mania.
“Ya got Bryan on drums, Charlotte on vocals, P as keyboardist, and me as a guitarist,” Jonathan said proudly.
“Really?” Dr. Jackson asked, unconvinced but amused.
“May I give my check-in?” Charlotte asked, changing the topic.
“Of course!”
“Thank you; sorry, but I’m a little antsy and just… need to talk. I actually have a date today, and I’m really scared. He doesn’t know about my disorder, but he’s a boy from my church and is really sweet; so I’m hoping that if, or when, the time comes, he’ll be receptive. I’ve also been added to my church’s regular worship team, so I sing every other Sunday, which has been amazing. I’d say I’m at a ten, but that would be really worrisome; so I’ll say I’m at a nine and a half,” Charlotte said proudly. She was swinging her legs back and forth beneath her chair excitedly, and I couldn’t help but smile at her.
Definitely not mania.
“Bryan?” Dr. Jackson said. “Do you feel like sharing today?”
“Sure. I’m no nine, but I’m a firm seven. My dad and I have been talking lately. It’s definitely helped with my recovery. I’ve gained some weight, and when my dad found out, he told me, in not so many words, that he was proud of me. He has his bad days still, but family therapy has been really helpful, I think.”
I couldn’t help but feel proud of our little group.
“So what you’re saying is, you used my face without my permission for a portrait you submitted to an art gallery. All without telling me,” I said amused, accusing Jonathan as we all walked out of the room together. He let out a bright laugh and stretched his arms around him before looking back at me with a wink.
“Just take it as a compliment, P. Anyway, I gotta go get my sister. See y’all next Thursday!” Jonathan walked briskly toward the elevator, and Bryan ran to keep up, making me laugh at the way Jonathan made him run to catch the elevator doors.
“Hey, Priya, can I talk to you real quick?” Charlotte asked, making me stop and turn towards her with a nod. We were standing in the waiting area; so I guided her to a secluded corner of the room, and we sat down.
“What’s up?” I asked, and she took a deep breath before continuing.
“You know how I mentioned I have a date today?”
I nodded.
“I know you and Aaron have been doing well, taking things slow, and I just... I wanted to ask you for some advice. How do you date with… with your illness? Because I’m completely terrified.” She was playing with her hands, picking her nails, gesturing a lot—just overall fidgety. I smiled, took her hands in mine, and squeezed them, knowing it might be hard, but that she would be okay. I thought back to my most recent relationship conversation with Aaron.
“Oh God, I should not have eaten that hot dog,” Aaron said. He hunched over, hands on his knees. We had just gotten off one of the rides at the Alameda fair that spun you in continuous circles. How that was supposed to be fun, we both had no idea at this point.
I rubbed his back as he took deep breaths. “You’ll be okay. Do you want some water?”
Aaron nodded his head.
“All right. Come on, ya big baby.”
Aaron groaned as he stood up straight again. I held out my hand, and he took it, squeezing hard before I dragged him to a stall to buy a bottle of water.
“How hard do you think these games are?” I asked as we stood watching a kid trying to pop balloons with darts at one particular booth, sipping our waters and taking a break from the rides.
“Considering they have to make money somehow, I’d say very hard.”
“You think you can win me that prize?” I asked, pointing to one of the stuffed toys hanging from the top of the stall. It looked sort of like a Disney Princess, but more like a knockoff version to avoid copyright lawsuits.
“Of course, I can!” Aaron said as he stepped up to the booth, pulling his wallet out.
He missed all his shots.
“It’s okay! I didn’t want it that much, anyway!” I said encouragingly. He looked back at me with a sad face before turning back and paying for another round.
Another loss.
He did that three more times before I finally pulled him away from the stall, defeat hanging over him like a cloud.
“How about we head home and get dinner? Will that cheer you up?” I asked, and he sighed, nodding.
We headed to our favorite sushi restaurant. It was the same spot where we’d had our first date.
Halfway through the dinner during a comfortable silence, I caught Aaron watching me.
“It’s not nice to stare, ya know,” I said, and Aaron almost choked on his food.
“I’m sorry. It’s just… strange, you know?” He shook his head and took a sip from his ice water.
“What is?”
“Maybe this is overstepping my boundaries, but it’s weird sitting here, with you, not really knowing… what we are.”
I looked at him, then down at my food. It had been a month since our conversation during lunch at school. I knew what I wanted to say, but I didn’t know what I should say. I didn’t know what the right thing to say was.
I knew I wanted to be with him. I knew I wanted to have him in my life. I wanted to take things slowly, but I also knew that it was selfish to keep him as only a friend, for now, after all we had been through and after all he was willing to go through with me.
“To be honest, Aaron, I wanted to take things slowly, but… you know how impatient I am. I want to be with you, I really do, but I’m afraid.” I smiled and shrugged to cover my emotions.
There was another pause.
“I can take things slowly. Whatever you need, whatever I can give you, that’s fine. I guess I just didn’t have any clarity after the way things have been progressing lately. And today, with our trip to the fair… it kind of felt like a date.”
“I know.”
It had been my idea to go to the fair—one of my impatient and selfish ways to get to spend time with him.
“I just wanted some clarification. But whatever you need, Priya. That’s what’s important. Whatever you need to heal because I think I’m feeling okay now. So… I’m waiting on you. But don’t feel rushed!”
I sighed and shook my head. “All I know is I need your support. I need all the support I can get from people I love, and… well, you’re very much one of those people. I still love you, Aaron.”
I could feel my throat closing up but I continued.
“I don’t want to be with you while a part of me is still thinking about Dimitri, and even though it’s only a small, tiny portion, it’s still a portion. But then, I also know that a part of me will always be with Dimitri. So I don’t really know when I’ll be ready.”
Aaron reached his hand across the table, and I stared at it for a few seconds before hesitatingly placing mine in his.
He swiped his thumb across the backs of my knuckles, and I closed my eyes, letting myself feel the warmth spread from my hands through my entire body.
“No one is perfect, Priya, even you. And I still love you too. I don’t expect you to forget Dimitri completely. He was a big part of your life. We don’t ever forget people we’ve loved and lost. But—if not for me, then for the next guy—I think you need to move on in your life with the knowledge that you won’t ever forget Dimitri completely. He was a big part of you, but he shouldn’t hold you back. Just as you won’t forget Elli, won’t ever stop loving her; she can’t hold you back either.”
Aaron had a soft, comforting smile on his face, and I let out a breath of relief.
He was right.
I had to move on, but that didn’t mean I had to forget what I had been through or those whom I had loved.
I nodded.
“You’re so strong, Priya. You’ve been through things people can’t even imagine. But don’t lose yourself in trying to be someone you think you should be.”
I pulled myself out of my memories and back to the present with Charlotte.
“First, you need to breathe,” I said. She looked at me, and I gestured with my head that she should breathe at that exact moment. She immediately took a deep breath.
“Second, you need to understand that your disorder and your past will impact your dating life. You have to learn where your limits are and be vocal about them. If he’s as great of a guy as you think, he’ll understand. Being a self-advocate is a huge part of being in a successful relationship.”
Charlotte nodded vigorously.
“Lastly, just have fun.” I enunciated the last part and smiled at her, hopefully providing some comfort. “Dating is what you make of it, and if you live in fear of it forever, you will have a miserable time. Just… take it at your own pace, but enjoy the ride.”
Charlotte smiled at me and sighed.
“You’re right. Thank you, Priya.”
I let go of her hands.
“No problem.”
We walked out together and said our goodbyes at the building’s main door. I texted Aaron and waited in the shade. My phone beeped, signaling his response.
Aaron: Be there in 5.
Priya: Can’t wait.
I sat on a bench in front of the building, feeling the breeze on my limbs. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and felt the prickling on my neck again.
“You really aren’t going to wake up, are you?” Elli’s voice floated into my ears and I sighed. After Dimitri and I had our farewell moment after I was released from the hospital, I had been expecting a similar conversation with Elli. I hadn’t been sure whether I was dreading it or not.
I opened my eyes and looked at her.
Black tank top. Cutoff denim shorts. Worn out sneakers. Ponytail.
“I am awake,” I said.
“Do you even miss us?”
I shrugged. “Every day.”
“Then why? Why aren’t we enough?”
“Because you aren’t real anymore, Elli. Dimitri was never real.”
I heard a car pull into the parking lot and saw Aaron’s familiar blue Toyota. He pulled up in front of me, the passenger side of the car beckoning as Amanda waved from the backseat through the window. I smiled at them and looked back at Elli.
“But Aaron, my mom, my sister, and even Amanda are.”
I pushed myself up off the bench, ran over to the car, and settled in without looking back.
Amanda wrapped her arms around me and the seat and squealed in my ear. “Time to go hiking!” she said happily and I laughed.
I looked at Aaron when Amanda released me and smiled.
“How was group?”
“Fantastic.”
“Are you going to wear that to our hike?” Amanda asked, her head poking through the space between the two front seats. I looked down at my jean shorts and t-shirt and froze briefly before relief flooded me.
“I put a change of clothes and shoes in the trunk.” I smiled as I buckled my seatbelt, laughing as soon as Aaron started blasting my sister’s “Get well and get buck” playlist and Amanda started singing along to the song “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now.”
We had become quite the trio in the last few months. From track meets, confessions, breakups, and even Elli’s death, we forged a strong bond that, for the first time outside of Elli, I hoped would last a lifetime.
When I heard Aaron’s door open, I noticed that he hadn’t pulled out of the parking lot yet and had actually parked his car in a parking spot.
“There’s something I need to get out of the trunk.”
I watched Aaron walk around to the trunk and looked back at Amanda, seeing her trying to hide a smile.
“Amanda…” I said warningly, knowing she knew something.
“Just let him love you,” she chided and I sighed. When Aaron got back in the car, I was surprised to find him holding a medium-sized, plush Belle doll from Beauty and the Beast.
I began laughing. “What is that?”
“It’s your graduation present. Sorry I’m late.” He held it out to me.
“What?”
“I went with my family and my cousin’s kids in LA to Disneyland, and when I saw this in the store, I immediately thought of the stuffed character from that horrendous game at the fair. I suck at those games—I know I should have given up sooner—but I really wanted to win you that doll. This is even better since I know Belle is your favorite.”
My laughter died off into a smile. Aaron was looking at me intently, and I felt my body grow warm with a full body blush.
I took the doll and held it in my lap, brushing the soft fabric with the pad of my fingers and biting my lip as I tried to contain the overwhelming joy that spread through me.
“Well?” Amanda’s voice prompted me to look at her, then at Aaron.
Then, without thinking, I unbuckled my seatbelt, leaned toward Aaron, and cupped the back of his head with one hand, pulling him across the space between us for a kiss. He fell toward me, his hand landing on the console in between our seats, and kissed me back.
The sparks between us were just as strong as that first time we’d kissed on New Year’s Eve. All the love I had for him came crashing back down on me, and I wondered how I had ever stayed away from him, how I ever turned him away, and how I held back from kissing him for so long for these past few weeks.
Amanda’s shouts and hollers from the back seat made me laugh against Aaron’s lips, and when I finally pulled away, he was grinning madly.
My heart beat wildly as he leaned his forehead against mine and sighed. “Priya, you always surprise me.”
“Sorry, not sorry.”
“What happened to taking it slow?”
I shrugged. “Patience is a virtue I lack.”
“Awww! Now that’s true love,” Amanda said with a fake sniffle, making us both turn to her, laughing, and then back to each other.
“We’re still taking things slowly. But know this, Priya. I’m not letting you get away so easily ever again.”
“Good.”
Aaron put the car in reverse, pulling out of the spot in the parking lot while Amanda and I began singing along to a Justin Bieber song as we coasted along the road to our hiking spot.
I meant what I said to Elli. I had so many reasons to live in this world. I had actually managed to live in a world without her, and even though I never thought I would have needed to figure that out, even though it hurt like a bitch and was a terrible journey to get there, I could honestly say, with more conviction than ever before, that I was living in reality–– that I was awake.
Elli used to be my reality check in more ways than one, I realized. More than just telling me something was real, she made me want to believe in what was real. She was what made my life worth living, before Dimitri and after Dimitri.
I once questioned what life would be without Elli. I now had my answers.
Going to Berkeley, hiking, and running in track and field and cross-country was my life. Aaron, Amanda, my mom, and my sister were my life. My new Counseling S(quad) was my life.
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t need anyone or anything to convince me to want to believe in what was real. For the first time in a long time, it came with ease. I knew it wouldn’t always be like this, wouldn’t always be this easy. Life would get hard. Life would be unbearable, and there would be days where I wanted the other world to be real, where I might slip up and turn to Elli and Dimitri.
But I finally felt ready to take on that part of the world without Elli as my reality check. I felt equipped with enough dividers–– friends and loved ones–– between me and that world. I felt confident enough to make more friends, find more hobbies and activities, and create more memories that would keep me grounded in this world. So when it got rough and became too much to handle –– when I wanted to turn to Elli and Dimitri–– I could take the punches from my life and my illness and punch right back.
I was going to live life to the fullest and I was going to do it in this world from now.
Because C’est la vie.
And I was my own reality check now.