WHERE THE GANG REUNITES LIKE IN RETURN OF THE JEDI
I stared at the sight of my friends and was nearly knocked down by their presence. I hadn’t expected to see any of them ever again—had given up hope, really—so it was like a bucket of cold water. I loved each of them—well, Diabloman and Cindy. I didn’t know who the other guy was.
“Cindy?” I said, walking forward in disbelief.
“Gary!” Mandy said behind me.
“What?” I said, turning around and thus barely avoiding being shot by Cindy’s laser pistol. Spinning around, I spread out my arms. “What the hell! Black cloak! Not white cloak! Gary, not Other Gary!”
“Madre de diablo!” Diabloman said, staring at me. “Could it be true?”
“It’s a trick!” Cindy hissed, the gun aimed at me. “Other Gary has no sense of shame!”
Starlight Maiden looked over at her brother Shadowman before turning back to us. “Uh, excuse me, but you’re all under arrest. Because you’re bad and chaotic.”
“Arrest?” Captain Disaster said. “Oh, that’s just adorable, Mindy.”
“Mindy?” I said, my mouth hanging open. “My doppelgänger named his daughter Mindy? What’s his son’s name? Dare Ablo?”
“Gabriel,” Shadowman said. “My name is Gabriel, defacer of my father’s name!”
I completely ignored his anger. “He named you both after my ex-girlfriend and wife? What the hell is wrong with that guy?”
“He’s a nastier version of you?” Amanda said.
“Ouch. That was cold Amanda. Cold.”
“Gary, focus,” Mandy said. “Also, Mindy is an adorable name.”
“Ma’am,” Captain Disaster said to Starlight Maiden. Somehow, he’d picked up a Southern accent he hadn’t possessed before. “We should really get to executing these evil-doers.”
Starlight Maiden seemed unsure, though. It seemed like she wasn’t quite able to order an attack on someone who looked exactly like her father. Of course, given she was an android, it was entirely possible she had programming that prevented that as well. Wait, was that racist? Was I robophobic?
Probably not a topic to focus on now.
“Tell us something only the Real Gary would know!” Cindy shouted, ignoring the others. I could see just how desperate she was to believe I was me.
“Your mother was an abusive alcoholic, while your father was never around.”
“Everyone knows that!” Cindy snapped.
“We promised, however, we would get out of this place if it was the last thing ever did.” I looked around the bank. “It looks like both of us failed.”
Cindy frowned, clearly not certain.
“Do you remember what I said to you when you came to me crying on my wedding day?” I looked at her. “Because I do, and I think it’s something you’ve taken to heart, and that makes me happy.”
“You are worth more than you think,” Cindy said, her voice ready to break. “Gary, is that really you? Mandy?”
“In the flesh,” Mandy said, giving a half-smile. “The cold, hard, marble-esque flesh. At least I get horribly sunburned in daytime versus sparkling.”
“Dated joke, Mandy,” Amanda said, chuckling. “The current vampire trends are they’re all flying rappers.”
“That’s both monstrous as well as intriguing,” Mandy said. “Did they make a Straight Outta Fangton movie?”
“Three,” Amanda said.
“We’ve missed you guys so much—” I started to say.
“Shut up and die!” Captain Disaster shouted before pulling out a grenade and hurling it.
“No!” Starlight Maiden shouted, grabbing the grenade with a Ultraforce catcher’s mitt and suppressing the explosion. “There are innocents present!”
“Casualties of war!” Shadowman shouted, charging forward as the rest of the Extreme followed suit. “Kill them for Father!”
“No, we should arrest them!” Starlight Maiden said. “Why am I always the one to have to say that?”
“Because you’re an idiot!” Shadowman hissed.
Yeah, that nicely summarized the twins’ personalities. There was the good one and the bad one. Too bad I’d have to kill them both.
Shadowman interrupted my thoughts by slamming into me. He then smashed me into the bank’s statue of Other Gary. He moved like lightning and hit like a train. The hideous tendrils on his inky-black uniform stretched out before producing toothy maws. It was like being grabbed by a humanoid-shaped shoggoth.
That was when one of the monstrous mouths bit down on my shoulders, arms, and legs. It was like getting six dog bites at once.
“Shit! Fuck! Ow!” I said. “That hurts!”
“That’s the point,” the Shadowman shouted. “Die!”
Growling in pain, I generated a wave of flame around myself, causing Shadowman to jump backward before I generated a block of ice around my fist and smashed it against his face.
“My father will remake the world!” Shadowman hissed, his jaw looking busted before it sloshed back into place.
“You’ve got daddy issues,” I said, amused. “Seriously, be your own man.”
“I’m going to pay you back for killing me,” Captain Disaster screamed, aiming his cannon at me. I immediately grabbed Shadowman by his tendrils then used him as a shield. The blast caused Shadowman to scream and Captain Disaster to look horrified.
Mostly because Captain Disaster’s head promptly exploded.
My eyes widened.
“The Extreme are not allowed to attack the First Family,” Shadowman chuckled nightmarishly as he regenerated from the blast. “That tickled.”
I proceeded to hurl Shadowman across the room into the way of one of Iron Cross’s blasts, causing him to explode.
“That’s cheating!” Shadowman said, sloshing into a puddle on the ground with multiple mouths.
“First, eww,” I said. “Second, please let any child of mine never be this lame.”
Cindy looked over at me, using what appeared to be a double-bladed lightsaber to block Ninjess’s attacks. “Gary, we need to talk.”
“Fighting first!” I said, turning insubstantial right before Starlight Maiden flew through me. She’d been preparing to deliver a huge Ultra-Force punch, which would have knocked my block off, but she apparently couldn’t use it in multiple manners simultaneously. That meant she was less powerful than Gabrielle, thank God.
“Murderer!” Starlight Maiden screamed. “Those were heroes you killed! Sort of!”
“Lady, they’ll be back,” I said, shaking my head. “Also, they’re assholes.”
I promptly blasted her with ice only for her to ignore it and start walking back toward me, her hands glowing. “The First Family are the defenders of Falconcrest City against all threats. That includes imposters of our father who want to bring chaos and anarchy to our home.”
“Well, that’s true,” I said, throwing fire at her and watching it bounce off too. “But I don’t think your brother agrees.”
“Do not insult Gabriel!” Starlight Maiden said, lifting me up by my cloak lapel and pulling her fist back. “He is a good man.”
“I will rip your skull out!” Shadowman shouted. “Then your wife, then your girlfriend, and then your friends!”
Starlight Maiden grimaced, only to start shaking violently as if struck by a bolt of lightning. I turned insubstantial and passed through her hand before a second and third bolt of electricity struck her. That was when I saw Amanda behind her, using her Death-granted powers. They weren’t working against her.
Starlight Maiden laughed. “It will take more than that to put me down, terrorist.”
I drained a bit of energy from the building around me, then waved my hand in front of her face. “These aren’t the heroes you’re looking for.”
“These aren’t the heroes I’m looking for,” Starlight Maiden said, glassy-eyed. “Wait, that’s from Star Wars! I think! My father won’t let me watch it. He says it’s too violent.”
“Just when I thought I couldn’t hate Other Gary more,” I muttered.
Amanda used that opportunity to hit her with two more bolts of lightning, then punched her into the bank teller booths.
“Dammit,” I said, looking at my hand. “I should have used more juice. Rey made that seem so easy in The Force Awakens. Wait, I’ve been gone five years. Was the rest of the trilogy any good?”
“You also missed the tie-in films,” Amanda said.
“Nooooooooo!” I shouted. “That’s impossible!”
Shadowman charged at me for a third time, this time becoming a liquid blob of a hundred mouths and eyes with dozens of tentacles covered in spikes. I didn’t turn to face him, just snapped my fingers and froze him in a block of ice with the power of the building around me.
For some reason, I couldn’t draw much power from the building, but I could draw a little. Other Gary was smarter than I’d realized and had somehow created wards against me. He couldn’t block me out entirely, but it was like the place was password protected. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.
Looking around, I saw that Cindy, Diabloman, and the New Guy had smashed up Mechanko’s robot bodies good. Mandy, meanwhile, was finishing off Ninjess, having sunk her fangs into her neck and drained her of most of her blood. She proceeded to drop the last of the Extreme’s corpse on the ground, a satisfied look on her face.
“We should find a hotel, Gary,” Mandy said. “I feel good.”
In many ways, it seemed. With nothing to stop her, Amanda ran across the room and proceeded to wrap her arms around the New Guy before kissing him passionately. I exchanged a look with Cindy and Diabloman and shrugged.
Amanda pulled away. “This is Mister Inventor, Gary! Galahad Alexander Warren.”
“What?” Cloak said. “Galahad Warren?”
“You have a grandson I’ve never heard of?” I asked Cloak. “You dog.”
“No, Gary, I never procreated after my slain family. There were rumors my brother had another grandson who was a superhero in New Bourbon, or Sunlight had a child, but we always discounted it.”
“Please tell me it’s not because he’s black,” I said.
“That’s not why!” Cloak said. “It might be why my brother didn’t invite him to visit, though.”
“You’re breaking my heart, Cloak.” I shook my head. “You’ll need to talk with this guy at length.”
I had, in fact, heard of Mister Inventor even if I’d never heard of Galahad Warren. The superhero and supervillain world wasn’t such a large fraternity (and sorority—which I suppose would make it a college) that you couldn’t name A-listers and B-listers if you were a fan. Mister Inventor was solidly a B-lister who had always seemed more interested in using super-science to improve people’s lives than engaging in pointless fights against superpowered criminals.
Dumbass.
“Well, I think Amanda knows him,” I said, watching Amanda continuing to kiss Mister Inventor.
“They used to be involved before Other Gary’s takeover,” Cindy said. “Technically, he’s dating me now.”
I kept watching them kiss. “I think that relationship may be over. Well, maybe not, depending on what you’re into.”
“Eh, I doubt they’re flexible that way,” Cindy said. “I guess that will just go into my other relationships like the five rap stars, two supervillainesses, and Tom Hiddleston.”
“Tom Hiddleston?” I asked. “Really?”
“Jealous?” Mandy asked.
“Yes, but I’m not sure of who,” I said.
That was when Diabloman ran over and wrapped me up in a crippling bear hug.
“Ooomph,” I said, trying to speak but failing.
“I am so glad to see that you’re alive,” Diabloman said, lifting me up. It was strange how healthy and strong he looked compared to the past-his-prime wreck he’d been earlier
“Mmmph,” I said, choking.
“Oh sorry,” Diabloman said, letting me drop on the ground. “I don’t know my own strength anymore.”
“Glad you’re feeling better,” I said, climbing to my feet.
“I’m not,” Diabloman said. “This is an astral projection. My actual body cannot move on its own power anymore.”
I blinked. “Oh … well, that sucks.”
Diabloman shrugged. “I am a warrior. I’m honored to have the privilege of continuing to fight the good fight for a little while longer. It was my truest goal these past five years to die avenging your disappearance.”
I tried to figure that out. “Either you’re a doing a really good job of honoring me or a very bad one.”
Diabloman let out a hearty laugh. “Come with us. We must get out of here. There is something back at our headquarters you must see.”
“We can’t,” I said, shaking my hands. “We need to figure out how to harness the magic here to beat Other Gary. Then I—”
Cindy stared at me. “Gary, you really, really need to come with us now.”
I blinked and looked at her sideways. There was something about her demeanor that spoke to me. I also took a moment to look at how my favorite henchwench had changed in the past five years. Honestly, she didn’t look that different.
Good genetics or whatever super-science medical advances Other Gary was peddling had her even more beautiful at thirty-five than she had been in her twenties. Granted, that included a period with a serious drug problem, so it wasn’t saying much, but she seemed to possess a maturity and concern that hadn’t been there before. It surprised me.
“Not all people are content to live their lives in a perpetual adolescence,” Cloak said.
“I tried the nine-to-five thing. It resulted in a soul-crushing job, broken family life, and a devastating sense of worthlessness. I’m living the Fight Club dream now,” I projected at Cloak.
“Didn’t Fight Club end with him killing his alternate self so he could enjoy a stable life with his girlfriend?”
I paused, then said aloud, “We’re not living Fight Club.”
Any choice I might have had was interrupted by a quartet of gigantic robots landing outside the front door of the Merciful building. They were accompanied by a hundred police cars, several SWAT team vans, and what looked like teleporting-in Foundation for World Harmony power-armored soldiers.
“Yes, now is probably a time to go,” I muttered.
That was when Mandy grabbed me by the shoulder and dragged me to the weird tunneling machine that my friends had arrived in. The rest of the group piled in as well, making a snug fit, but not so much that I felt we were going to run out of air or anything. Other Gary’s defenses also worked in our favor, as they kept his private army from breaking through the doors before we started tunneling into the earth.
Everyone breathed out a sigh of relief except me and Mandy. Me, because I wasn’t at all happy about escaping Other Gary’s home base without figuring out a way to harness his power. Mandy because, well, she didn’t breathe.
But it established one thing for me.
My henchmen were terrified of my doppelgänger.
That changed things. So did the answer to my next question. “So, what is that thing you wanted to show me?”
“Uh,” Cindy said. “It’s not a thing. It’s … well …”
Diabloman finished for her. “Your daughter.”