Diabloman opened his eyes.
I blew a red party blower in his face, tickling the bottom of his nose with its extending end. I was wearing a little pointy paper hat with a Death Star on it.
Diabloman looked at me. “I love you as my hermano, but I will punch you.”
That was when Diabloman looked around to realize he was no longer inside the hospital room of the Crystal Palace or a captive of Other Gary. In fact, I’d found him being treated well on one of the Foundation for World Harmony’s hover battleships. They’d let me see him and transport him off without any difficulty, really calling into question the “intelligence” in “intelligence agency.” We were now in the medical ward of Merciless Manor, which was a neat little clinic given the circumstances.
That wasn’t the big change to my friend, however, since he was now once more restored to a healthy, physically formidable body. It was a good twenty years younger as well, bulging with muscles and tattoos that drew their energy from the Underworld rather than the Great Beasts. Diabloman was still wearing his mask despite the fact that he was otherwise naked— barring the hospital sheet up to his chest, at least.
“Gary, what have you done?” Diabloman asked.
I twiddled my thumbs. “Well, I restored Other Gary’s world before killing him. I call it Earth-Deuce. Unfortunately, I used all the magical reservoir’s juice doing so. Well, almost. It occurred to me that since I had my Death-granted powers back to snuff, I could use them to try to transfer your soul to another body. That’s a hideously difficult spell unless you’re doing it to someone who is identical to you, like Other Gary was to me.”
“Gary, did you murder the Diabloman of another world to restore me?” Diabloman didn’t sound upset, just confused.
I looked to the side. “Maybe.”
“Gary!” Diabloman said, sounding on the verge of laughing.
“He was a bad version of you!” I said. “Just running around trying to destroy the universe! Again! It was a good thing you replaced him.”
Diabloman surprised me by laughing. “You truly are irredeemable, Boss.”
“On the Census Bureau beside religion, I put Jewish Sith Lord.”
Diabloman looked up. “What happened to Other Gary?”
“He’s finished,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I owed him for saving Mandy’s soul but needed to kill him for everything else he did. So I gave him his deepest wish, and then took his life before he could enjoy it. I don’t know where Death sent him post-mortem, but I doubt it’s pleasant.”
Truth be told, I was willing to spare a moment of pity for Other Gary. He’d been insane rather than evil. OK, well, he’d been both. He was the kind of fundamentalist Knight Templar nutter who left me feeling that the side of good wasn’t nearly as superior as the so-called evildoers. For all the good he’d done, he’d been blinded by the fact that a million people wasn’t simply a statistic that could be used to justify a single tragedy. At least, that’s what I told myself. In any case, I was going to try not to think about the fact that I’d killed myself twice in one day, and just move on.
“I see,” Diabloman said. “Well, I’m glad he’s defeated.”
I patted Diabloman on the back. “Come on, let’s get going. We have a whole new world to enjoy.”
“The Society of Superheroes still controls the United States.”
I paused. “Gabrielle has already been declared to be a terrorist, along with all of her cohorts. They still believe that story that she was replaced all those years ago.”
“Or it’s more convenient to believe so. Heroes have feet of clay just like villains have feelings of love and companionship.”
“Maybe. In any case, her war will continue.”
“And ours?”
I didn’t answer and let him get dressed. He was soon wearing a red spandex wrestling suit that fit him quite well.
“Listen, about all the stuff you told me?” I said. “You know, how you didn’t want to be brought back to life? I’m not going to say I’m sorry I did it. I’ve lost enough people today.”
Not just Cloak, though his loss was the harshest. Kerri had told me she was moving out and wished me the best, but to give her two weeks’ warning before I visited in the future. I brought too much chaos and destruction to her life. Mister Inventor had decided to go with her. Apparently, having noticed Cindy’s desire to reunite with me, he decided to mack on my sister instead. Kerri seemed OK with it, too, despite her ghostly marriage. I would have to think of some terrible brotherly vengeance to wreak on them. Either that or be happy because someone had emerged from this better than they started.
“Please forget it,” Diabloman said. “I was close to death and ready to accept it. The weight of my actions against Other Gary and the rest of the universe weighed on me. I forgot that taking the easy way out was not a true redemption.”
“It worked for Vader,” I said, shrugging. “Listen, D, I’m not sure being around me is going to give you the peace you want. I’m not exactly planning on being a Boy Scout from here on out. In fact, I’m pretty sure things are going to get worse before they get better.”
“Is there a Spellbinder and Guitarist on the planet you created?” Diabloman asked.
“Uh-huh,” I said, thinking about Diabloman’s sister and brother-in-law. The ones he’d murdered. “They’re married and have two kids. I checked up on them for you.”
Diabloman took a deep breath. “Then it doesn’t matter if I murder, steal, or worse for you. I am capable of living with the guilt now, thanks to you.”
I was tempted to point out that they weren’t necessarily the ones he murdered. I had no idea how souls, magic, and super-science worked with alternate realities. What I’d done was a miracle, and I was no better equipped to explain it than anyone else. Instead, I just said, “If that’s the way you want it, sure. Your wife and child will be happy to see you.”
“Children,” Diabloman corrected. “My wife had a son while you were gone.”
I smiled and put my hand on his shoulder. “Congratulations.”
“What about your daughter?” Diabloman asked.
“Cindy and Gizmo will be staying with me. Mandy is my wife, and I’m not at all down with the whole harem comedy thing they keep suggesting. Like Jerry Seinfeld, I don’t have the furniture for that. Still, they aren’t going to turn down a mansion and a place with people they love. I also—well, love them and am going to put them first. Just … I’m going to put supervillainy second. I’m even financing Gizmo’s scientific side. She’s built me a starship.”
“A starship,” Diabloman repeated, focusing on the least important element.
“A working replica of the Millennium Falcon,” I said. “She didn’t actually build the whole thing, just a bunch of robots to build other robots, which built it for her. I’m frankly worried about a Skynet-esque event now.”
Diabloman nodded. “What do you think of that?”
“I think no one imagined the robot revolution would involve robot horses with four hands and built-in tools.”
“Gary, be serious.”
I closed my eyes. “I want my daughter to be safe. I would give up being a supervillain in an instant if I thought I could spend the rest of my life with her and Mandy. Unfortunately, I’m already neck deep in this crap, and it’s going to take a lot of villainy to get out of it. Still, I’m going to be part of her life even if I must pretend Cindy is raising her to defeat me. You know, so heroes don’t go after her.”
Diabloman looked at me with sympathetic eyes. It took him almost a minute to respond. “I don’t even know how to react to that.”
“Just nod your head at the crazy person.”
Diabloman nodded and placed his hand on my shoulder. “So, does this mean you chose Mandy over Cindy? That you aren’t going to try to make something together work?”
I took a deep breath. “There was never really a choice. It was always Mandy.”
Diabloman grunted a noncommittal response before removing his hand.
The two of us departed the medical center and entered the main portion of the house. What greeted us was the sounds of cheers and LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem.” The mansion’s main hall was full of supervillains.
The survivors of the attack were gathered here alongside hundreds of others freed from Other Gary’s secret prisons across the country. There were also groupies, political dissidents, and gangsters celebrating the fall of Other Gary with glasses of champagne or harder substances. The lights were turned low as multicolored lights and will-o-wisps provided a mesmerizing experience. It was like Club Inferno, only with genuine joy instead of the danse macabre of despair.
Sic Semper Tyrannis.
“It appears you have been busy,” Diabloman said, staring at them.
“I took the opportunity to go through Other Gary’s records with Mandy’s help. They included the locations of all his gulags and brainwashing centers. I substituted a new set of orders to start rolling back his orders to turn them into loyal servants of the New Order.”
“Some of these people are monsters,” Diabloman said.
“I didn’t roll back all of them,” I said. “Psychoslinger, for example, is still working at a fast food restaurant in Dallas. The Slaver is still dead despite attempts by the newly zombified Left-Handed Bokor to resurrect him. Most of them are just common thieves, extortionists, mercenaries, and the general scum we know and love. As for the monsters? Well, I’m keeping them on a short leash, but they have their purposes too.”
“Maybe you can redeem them too.”
I laughed.
Diabloman looked at me funny.
“Oh, you were serious.”
A cosplaying waitress dressed as Cindy walked up to me and handed us both a glass of champagne. I pulled out a poison-scanner from my cloak and ran it over our drinks before downing mine in one gulp. I then threw my glass against the wall and laughed as it broke.
“It is likely the Society of Superheroes is going to have a difficult time defeating your new forces, especially once you start recruiting more.”
“I leave that to you,” I said. “You’re my go-to man for villainy. I dub you my dragon in the TV tropes sense.”
“Excuse me?” Diabloman said.
“Long story,” I said, giving him a thumbs-up. “Enjoy yourself, D. I need to go talk to Mandy about my upcoming plans.”
I started scanning the area for Mandy and instead found Gabrielle and Amanda sipping champagne from paper cups in front of my confetti-covered couch. Both women were wearing fake costumes that made them look very different from their usual selves. Still, I’d know them anywhere.
“Would you believe me if I said you reminded me of my ex-girlfriend?” I said, walking up to Gabrielle.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. “Would you believe me if I told you that you reminded me of the city’s former dictator?”
“No, no I wouldn’t,” I said.
“Hi, Gary,” Amanda said. “How is Diabloman?”
“Better,” I said. “How are you holding up? Is vengeance everything you thought it would be?”
Amanda paused. “I should say it feels empty. It does, to a certain extent. It doesn’t replace Wyatt or all my lost friends. There’s a certain satisfaction, though, that comes from knowing Other Gary is never going to hurt anyone ever again.”
“That’s justice, not vengeance,” Gabrielle said.
“Is it?” Amanda sighed. “Either way, I’m not sure I shouldn’t be shutting down this party and taking all of your newfound friends into custody.”
“Don’t be a party pooper,” I said, taking a champagne glass from a guy dressed like me. “Besides, there’s plenty more days for me to be your archnemesis. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Mister Inventor.”
“He made his choice,” Amanda said. “He chose poorly.”
“That’s the spirit,” Gabrielle said. “Gary, I want you to know I owe you more than I could ever possibly repay.”
“You mean for screwing up and getting you imprisoned for five years as the world’s prettiest reactor?”
Gabrielle shook her head. “For helping me bring down my father’s murderers. You also suffered the same sort of imprisonment.”
“Well don’t tell anyone else I did the right thing,” I said, smiling sadly. “Especially not in this crowd. So, what are you going to do now? Try to sort out the Society of Superheroes?”
“Yes,” Gabrielle said. She took a deep breath. “But I’m honestly of the mind that I should be prepared for the worst. I’m going to be recruiting other heroes to work for a return of democracy to the United States and other nations that have been taken over. It’s not just limited to the USA anymore. The United Nations has granted the Society of Superheroes its own place on the Security Council with expanded authority. I—”
“Good luck with that,” I said. “If you need anything, I’m there for you.”
“You could be part of my Shadow Army,” Gabrielle said. “You, Mandy, and Amanda could all be heroes who save the world’s freedom.”
“I have my own plans,” I said.
“OK,” Gabrielle said, surprised by the sharpness of my reply.
I gave her a kiss on the cheek and continued to look for Mandy.
“I’m having fun!” Amanda said, calling back after me.
“Check out the Puma! You and he could totally get a villain-hero thing going!” I called back to her.
Amanda rolled her eyes before drinking down her champagne.
“I know what you’re going to say, Cloak. I should have accepted that offer of redemption. I’m not going to have many …” I trailed off, remembering he was gone. “Goddammit.”
I’d lost my father five years ago, right before the whole business with President Omega.
Now I’d lost my second father.
I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if you can hear me, Lancel, but I hope you’re happy wherever you are. I was never a very good student, and you were kind of a shit teacher. However, you were someone who enriched my life and … I’m going to miss you. Oh, and if Kerri figures out how to summon your ghost, I’m totally rebinding you even if you’re happy in Heaven. Sorry.”
Cloak didn’t answer.
I suppressed my tears and continued to look for Mandy. I found her in one of the bedrooms, talking with Selena the Black Witch. The Red Schoolgirl was blackout drunk on the bed, snoring loudly next to three empty bottles of wine from the cellar. Mandy and Selena were having a comfortable chat, apparently talking about politics and new angry girl bands. Their version of flirting with the ex, I suppose.
“Hey you two,” I said. “What am I missing?”
“Selena is trying to persuade me to join the Shadow Army,” Mandy said. “I said no.”
“Gabrielle tried the same for me,” I said. “I think we can agree that saving the world is not our problem. We’ve done more than enough.”
“Really?” Selena said. “Because I think you’d want allies to deal with any future threats.”
“I can deal with whatever comes our way,” I said. “Mandy can too.”
“I wouldn’t overestimate yourself, Gary,” Selena said. “On a scale of one to ten in terms of supervillain power, you’re solidly a five. You got lucky with Zul-Barbas and President Omega. Other Gary you were uniquely qualified to deal with, but even then, he handed you your ass more times than you did. It’s just he wasn’t playing for keeps. There are plenty of other supervillains who will kill you without hesitation. Most superheroes will join them if they ever find out a version of you killed Ultragod.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, deciding not to mention that Death had restored my powers and I was more like a seven or eight now. “I’m tenth level while the others are Epic, I get it. Wait, does D&D even use Epic Levels anymore? I stopped paying attention after Third Edition.”
Selena rolled her eyes. “Do you even know how many dangers are still out there?”
“I’d wager less than there were before Other Gary brainwashed or murdered them all,” I said. “I’m more concerned about the heroes.”
“You shouldn’t be,” Selena said, her gaze burrowing into me. “Sovi-Ape was the only archvillain captured and reformed by Merciful’s agents. The rest of them, monsters like Tom Terror and the Council of Dark Lords, are all still out there. They’ve just been lying low. The Thran and Tsavong Empires are also due for another invasion attempt, except our biggest guns are either dead or retired. That’s not even counting Entropicus and his Armies of Darkness. We don’t have the Nightwalker or Ultragod to watch us anymore.”
“I think Ultragoddess and Nightwoman,” I corrected myself on Amanda’s codename, “will handle things just fine.”
Selena frowned. “I hope you’re right.”
Mandy’s reticence surprised me but shouldn’t have. She’d made it clear we were a double act. I was just surprised she hadn’t asked me; I would have said yes then. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to borrow my wife.”
“As you wish,” Selena said, looking unhappy.
Mandy followed me to our bedroom, which was, thankfully, absent of any supervillains. Mostly because I’d warded the place to teleport any interlopers to Istanbul. My magic was significantly stronger in the mansion than elsewhere.
“What now?” Mandy asked.
“My evil plan.” I walked over to a library bookshelf in the room and pulled out the copy of Machiavelli’s The Prince. The bookshelf opened to a long staircase leading down to the Merciless Dungeon beneath the mansion. I’d installed it during my time as a successful supervillain, only to add some bits and pieces with my brief omnipotence. “We managed to empty a large amount of Other Gary’s liquid assets into my accounts. Thank you for that, by the way. I don’t know how you pulled that off.”
“I guessed Other Gary’s passwords would be like yours. Which meant they were variants on my name, Cindy’s name, Gabrielle’s name, the word password, your niece’s birthday, your brother’s birthday, and swordfish. Oh, and the one for his infonet master-control was ADMIN.”
I paused. “I need to change all my passwords, don’t I?”
“Yes,” Mandy said. “Except I already changed them.”
I smirked. “Well, I did some digging before I resurrected Diabloman. Plenty of people let me access stuff they shouldn’t have when I put on a white hooded robe instead of my usual one. I’ve got a list of all of Gary’s secret treasure troves and the Society’s other underground prisons. Places where he’s stored stolen artifacts, technology, and wealth that couldn’t be or wasn’t returned to its original owners. It’s a veritable Wayland of goods.”
“You mean Weyland-Yutani from the Alien movies or the Emperor’s storehouse from the Thrawn Trilogy?”
“The latter,” I said, loving how simultaneously geeky and cool my wife could be. “I should have just said Nazi gold. Whatever the case, we can build ourselves an army from the grateful people within as well as arm ourselves with weapons more powerful than any force on Earth. There were magical books, wands, and woozits alongside technology that would make President Omega blush.”
“To what end?” Mandy said.
Walking down the steps into the Merciless Dungeon, I saw a massive supervillain’s lair with computers, weapons, my time machine, and the Merciless Falcon. A large bronze statue of me holding a globe in each hand overlooked the place. There was also the world’s largest twenty-sided die, which was the pride of my collection of stolen knickknacks like the Staff of Ra and my pickled Hitler heads. My doppelgänger had stored all my loot here, as if in homage to his conquest of me. There was even the hypno-coin he’d used to defeat me at President Omega’s bunker. I bet he wished he’d taken that with him to the reservoir.
“To give me enough oomph to take advantage of the power vacuum in Merciful’s organization. The majority of his minions were brainwashed, so I can free the ones likely to ally with me and leave the ones who were assholes alone. I figure I can get most, maybe seventy percent, of his stuff as compensation for all the trouble he’s caused me. That will be the end of Phase Two in my not entirely completed master plan,” I said, sitting down in front of a giant computer screen and keyboard. “It’s time we got serious about taking over the world. We’ve got two to conquer now. If you’re in?”
Mandy looked up at the screen as I brought up images of the two planet Earths in orbit of the Sun. In her eyes, I saw the look of a woman who’d seen just what could happen to an earth that wasn’t adequately protected by superheroes. Mandy had borne witness to the destruction of everyone she’d loved twice and been tortured alongside me in Undertown. Despite my best efforts, she’d never be the optimistic idealistic person she was before. I regretted that, but I was also happy? to have someone as twisted as me by my side. We could carry each other’s pain right to the White House and beyond.
“I’m in.”
I regretted I wouldn’t be able to be the hero Cloak wanted me to be. The heroes weren’t playing by the rules anymore, though, so I had to make some new ones. I was going to be the villain the world needed, not the one it wanted.
I hoped Lancel could forgive me that.
To be continued in:
THE TOURNAMENT OF SUPERVILLAINY
Book Five of The Supervillainy Saga