ANTHONY
On a Saturday night in January
I arrive at a flat
In Willesden Green
There are six
Seven
Guys here already
They greet me like an old friend
SIMON
Hey
MATT
Hey
CHRIS
Hey man
Good to see you
VIJAY
What’s up?
Haven’t seen you in a while
OLLIE
How’s you?
SAM
Heya
MIKE
Hey
You’re Roger right?
ANTHONY
Anthony
Actually
Like me they have been going for eighteen hours
One guy
(Simon?)
Has brought his pug
SIMON
Her name is Marigold
Isn’t she gorgeous?
ANTHONY
She’s ghastly
Another
(Matt?)
Rushed from his shift at the Royal Free
His nursing scrubs are piled in a corner
He says to me
MATT (holding out a pair of shorts)
Here
Put these on
ANTHONY
Thanks
But I have my own
The Uber from Kentish Town
Took about twenty minutes
Along the way I started to hear the sound
Sound.
This is generally my cue
That it’s time for another hit
I find the kitchen
I am pleased to see Wandering Joe
He crops up at parties like these across North London
He brings a comforting air of middle management
The type of man who would feature
In a diarrhoea advertisement
An Excel spreadsheet is in front of him
I’m due
JOE
One hour?
ANTHONY
One hour exactly
Joe adds my name to his spreadsheet
JOE
I’m adding your name to my spreadsheet
ANTHONY
He notes the time
JOE
1 32 a.m.
ANTHONY
He’s precise
JOE
A good accountant should always be precise
ANTHONY
He sticks a syringe
Into a small bottle of clear liquid
He offers me a choice
JOE
Apple juice
Or Lucozade?
ANTHONY
Apple
(I always have it with apple)
He drops the liquid in
JOE
One millilitre
Two millilitres
All done
Don’t want to kill you
ANTHONY
He tells me to chug it
JOE
Chug it
ANTHONY drinks.
He makes a face to indicate how awful it tastes.
ANTHONY
I wander back into the living room
The flat is clean
(Not like other flats I’ve been in)
But only because there is very little in it
The only books are
Two self-help works
And a biography of Thatcher
They aren’t alphabetised
Some guys have their tops off
There are flecks of powder
Meow
M-cat
M
Scattered around
But no Tina
No pins
No one slamming into their veins
This is a classy party
Not like the party I will end up in
By hour forty
After a few moments
It starts
My limbs
(Previously solid and cumbersome)
Begin to loosen
I feel made of cartilage instead of bone
I realise I am attractive
Confident
And though Wandering Joe is the only person
Whose name I can accurately recall
Suddenly I feel I know
The intimate lives of every guy around me
We are like live wires plugged into the same circuit
And crucially
Crucially
The sound that began in the Uber
Sound.
Disappears
The sound fades.
I spot a guy in the corner
CARL
Want a bump?
ANTHONY takes a bump.
ANTHONY
Thanks
CARL
I’m Carl
ANTHONY
I’m Anthony
Carl is short but lithe
His ears are like teacups
He is young
Twenty-two at most
(I myself am not yet thirty-three)
Carl has a spot of fluff on his T-shirt
You have a spot of fluff on your T-shirt
CARL
Would you like to remove it?
ANTHONY
I am a librarian
I appreciate order
ANTHONY removes the spot of fluff.
CARL
Come sit on the sofa with me
CARL takes ANTHONY by the hand.
ANTHONY
I am about to follow Carl
When in the corner of my eye
I see someone
I do not expect to see
I am confused
The connection to every man in the room
Diminishes slightly
I consider that I might be hallucinating
Though that normally doesn’t happen until hour seventy-two
I say
George?
He says
GEORGE
Yes?
ANTHONY
What are you doing here?
GEORGE
Will you give me a blowjob?
ANTHONY
This isn’t that kind of party
(At least not yet)
Besides
Don’t you think it would be difficult
Given the circumstances?
GEORGE
Oh you mean
ANTHONY
You’re dead
GEORGE
Is that a problem?
ANTHONY
I must be hallucinating
I’m sorry
I’m just not sure it’s possible
And even so
GEORGE
Even so what?
ANTHONY
Normally I would not insult someone
To their face
But the chems make you say
Exactly what you feel
I don’t give blowjobs to men
Who are careless enough to die of an overdose
You give the rest of us a bad name
George’s death was announced
In the Thursday edition of the Ham and High
(I am a subscriber)
George’s body had been found
On the tumulus
The mound on the east side of the Heath
The headline read
NEWSPAPER
The body of George Carnick
Twenty, of Dollis Hill
Discovered by dog walker
ANTHONY
And a little later
NEWSPAPER
Police confirmed the cause of death
Was an overdose of gamma-butyrolactone
(GBL)
ANTHONY
We had met the usual way
The Yellow Monster
What’s up?
GEORGE
Not much
You?
ANTHONY
I like your necklace
GEORGE
My mum gave it to me
To ward off evil
ANTHONY
Wanna come over and let me fuck you?
GEORGE
Sure
ANTHONY
The sex was functional
He was young
Not yet twenty-one
He assumed that youth
Could make up for technique
But I didn’t care
I was high
Besides
I’m attracted to guys who face challenges in life
Like being left-handed
Or ginger
George was both
When we were done
He asked if he could stay
GEORGE
Can I stay?
Just for the night
ANTHONY
But I had learned that
Sleeping with another guy is dangerous
You might get used to him
Besides
George was not yet twenty-one
He was only useful for one thing
Sorry
There are guys you fuck
And guys you sleep with
And you’re just a fuck
GEORGE
Oh
ANTHONY
I can see Carl growing bored
As he waits for me on the sofa
GEORGE
If you won’t give me a blowjob then
I need to tell you something
My necklace is missing
The eye
To ward off evil
ANTHONY
A bit late for that
Don’t you think?
Now if you’ll excuse me
GEORGE
Please
I need it
To help me through to the other side
I think my killer has it
ANTHONY
What?
GEORGE
I didn’t overdose
ANTHONY
The Ham and High said you did
GEORGE
I would never be that careless
ANTHONY
It was true
On our second hook-up
George produced a syringe and bottle
All his own
Apple or Lucozade?
GEORGE
Neither
I hate apples
And Lucozade gives me a rash
And makes me vomit
ANTHONY
Then who were you with
The night you were drugged?
GEORGE
I can’t remember
ANTHONY
Carl is starting to talk to another guy
Who also appears to be not yet thirty-three
But somehow
Cooler
Hipper
Than I am
And wearing an ironic Transformers jumper
I want to rip it off him
And shove it down his throat
I have little choice but to say to George
I don’t have time for this
GEORGE
We shared something
ANTHONY
You were just a fuck
Now leave me alone
GEORGE
We saw each other
Fourteen times
In the space of two months
You said you were starting to have feelings
ANTHONY
You must have me confused
With someone else
I turn and head to the sofa
But Carl and the guy
In the Transformers jumper
Have gone to a back room
(This is a classy party)
And I am left
Alone
With men whose names
I cannot accurately remember
ANTHONY
Two days later
I’d sobered up
Told my counsellor
A relapse
A minor relapse at the weekend
A well-timed relapse is useful
For quieting the sound
Sound.
COUNSELLOR
Can you describe it for me?
ANTHONY (shouting to be heard)
It sounds like the ocean
Or a ticking time bomb
The sound stops.
COUNSELLOR
Might it be connected
To your fear of seeing Jonathan this week?
ANTHONY
No that’s going forward
Full-steam ahead
Which is why I find myself on Wednesday evening
Outside a flat on the Harringay Ladder
Waiting for someone to answer the door
Sobriety means that I had time
To contemplate the incident in Willesden Green
On Monday afternoon
Behind my desk in the British Library
PLACARD
Anthony Guest
Assistant Curator of Ephemera
ANTHONY
(I have crossed out the word Assistant)
PLACARD
Anthony Guest
Assistant Curator of Ephemera
ANTHONY
I re-read the headline
NEWSPAPER
The body of George Carnick
Twenty, of Dollis Hill
Discovered by dog walker
ANTHONY
I scan down the page
I read the interview with the dog walker
GENE
I approached the body
At first I thought he had been exercising
And taken a turn for the worse
ANTHONY
And a bit further on
GENE
But then I saw he wasn’t breathing
And his right hand was rigid around a bottle
I called the police immediately
ANTHONY
‘His right hand’
This detail unsettles me
George was useless with his right hand
His left hand however
I push the thought to the back of my mind
What happened in Willesden Green
Was a hallucination
That’s all
JONATHAN
Anthony
ANTHONY
Jonathan
JONATHAN
So good of you to come
You look
ANTHONY
Older?
JONATHAN
I didn’t expect you to make it
ANTHONY
Happy birthday
Here
JONATHAN
Cufflinks
You remembered
ANTHONY
Of course
Jonathan has a collection
Custom-made
All capital Js in various fonts
Palatino Linotype
Baskerville
These are in Centaur
JONATHAN
You shouldn’t have
ANTHONY
I shouldn’t have
In the intervening three years since we broke up
I had turned down several of Jonathan’s invitations
The first to his book launch at Gay’s the Word
JONATHAN
7 p.m.
Wine reception to follow
RSVP by 16 March
PS I’ve forgiven you for what you’ve done
Let’s try to be friends?
ANTHONY
I ignored this one
He didn’t want to forgive me
He simply wanted me along for comparison’s sake
A reminder of his old life
And how far removed from it he was
While I of course
Couldn’t get promoted
And was under constant performance review
Even though I never let what happened at the weekend
Interfere with my working life
But his invitation for his twenty-sixth birthday party
Seemed an appropriate time to make amends
JONATHAN
You’re looking well
ANTHONY
So are you
JONATHAN
Come in
ANTHONY
Jonathan leads me inside the flat
He is turning twenty-six
But his friends are much older
I don’t recognise any of them from the days
When we were together
This is perhaps what happens
When one becomes a journalist
Has a book deal
Writes about one’s narrow escape
From a troubled past
JONATHAN
Everyone
This is Anthony
ANTHONY
They greet me like a houseplant
They have no pot for
JACK (THE ELDER)
I’m Jack
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
Also Jack
EDWARD
Edward
HENRY
Henry
CHRISTOPHER
Christopher
(Never Chris)
WILLIAM
William
(Never Will)
FELIX
Felix
JONATHAN (calling)
Nibbles are on the table
ANTHONY
They are respectively
JACK (THE ELDER)
A popular academic
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
I’m a student
At Oxford
EDWARD
A civil servant
HENRY
Also a civil servant
EDWARD
We were recently in the news
WILLIAM
A food critic
CHRISTOPHER
I’m with the Guardian
FELIX
Children’s television
ANTHONY
They have an air of respectability about them
But with the exception of the younger Jack
I am aware that they are here
Because Jonathan is turning twenty-six
While they
Like me
Are starting to discover flecks of grey in their hair
Looking in the mirror and finding
Skin with that stretched quality it achieves
Before breaking into wrinkles
Over a starter of
JONATHAN
Blackened cabbage with pine nut
Here’s the balsamic glaze
ANTHONY
I try conversing with the popular academic
(He is one of the Jacks)
(There are two)
He must be aware of me
Of my role in Jonathan’s story
To avoid awkwardness
I ask if he’s heard of George’s body on the tumulus
JACK (THE ELDER)
Tumulus
From the Latin meaning mound
Legend says it’s the burial place
Of an ancient Celtic tribe
Or the grave of Boudica
ANTHONY
Boudica?
JACK (THE ELDER)
Also pronounced Boudicea
My next book is on the subject
ANTHONY
Later in the evening
After Jonathan has turned his eyes away from me again
As he serves the main course
JONATHAN
Duck à l’orange
ANTHONY
I ask Henry and Edward the same question
HENRY
No never heard anything
EDWARD
That’s not true
We read it in the Ham and High
HENRY
Of course
Tragic
EDWARD
Tragic that
After we’ve all fought so hard
To maintain our sense of self-preservation
To have another epidemic in our midst
HENRY
A spiritual epidemic
EDWARD
Is such a shame
HENRY
Did you know him?
EDWARD
Was he among your
Set?
HENRY
Must’ve worked bloody hard
Getting himself across the Heath
With all those drugs in his body
ANTHONY
I look at them in their complementary
(But not matching)
Bow ties
They have a point
The quantities of G necessary to kill George
Would have rendered him immobile first
Meaning that he either consumed it on the tumulus
On the spot where he died
Or somewhere else
Somewhere near the Heath
And somebody carried
(Dragged?)
His body to the tumulus
Over a dessert of
JONATHAN
Peruvian dark-chocolate mousse
Layered with sea-salt caramel
Topped with Armagnac-soaked cherries
And a served on a spun-sugar nest
With a lozenge of champagne jelly
ANTHONY
I ask the television presenter Felix
Who says he eats so quickly
FELIX
Because the other boys at Eton
Always stole my food
ANTHONY
If he has heard of the incident
FELIX
On the Heath?
Of course
It was my Aunt Genevieve
Walking her dog
Who found him
Here’s her number if you’d like to contact her
ANTHONY
Later still
As Jonathan leans closely against
An older journalist
His hand on the man’s knee
I recall what he said to me when we broke up
JONATHAN
I don’t feel safe around you any more
ANTHONY
Which was preposterous
I am always safe
Always in control
The younger Jack walks by
His eyes meet mine
I follow him to the terrace
I am about to kiss him when
JONATHAN
Anthony
Anthony are you out here?
ANTHONY
Jonathan has stepped onto the terrace
His face does not move
It is here that I should explain
That by ‘younger’ Jack
I mean Jack is nineteen
Reading Medieval History at Oxford
He also happens to be
Jonathan’s younger cousin
JONATHAN
Jack
Will you give us a moment?
ANTHONY
Cigarette?
JONATHAN
I quit two years ago
ANTHONY
There’s no need to be upset
JONATHAN
He’s my cousin
ANTHONY
Don’t take this the wrong way but
He’s more handsome than you were at his age
JONATHAN
You’re in my home
On my birthday
And what’s this I hear about you
Going around talking about bodies on the tumulus
Telling everyone who’d listen
That you slept with
Whatever his name was
ANTHONY
George
Yes
Tragic isn’t it
I’ve never had a lover die on me before
This isn’t the eighties
JONATHAN
People will talk
ANTHONY
Isn’t that what you wanted?
Inviting me here in the first place
JONATHAN
I don’t know why I invited you
It’s clear nothing has changed in your life
Still going to parties
And obsessing over teenagers
You need to grow up
Why do you care so much about George anyway?
ANTHONY
You sound jealous
Or like you knew him
JONATHAN
Me?
No
Never heard of him
ANTHONY
Even after three years
It’s easy to tell when you’re lying
JONATHAN
I think it’s time you left
You’re embarrassing yourself
And stay away from Jack
I don’t want you putting him in danger
ANTHONY
What Jack chooses to do is his own business
I would never put him in any danger
I am always careful
Always in control
JONATHAN
If that’s what you need to tell yourself
In order to sleep at night
That’s your business
Goodnight Anthony
ANTHONY
Goodnight Jonathan
He leaves the terrace
And I am left alone
The glow of the moonlight
Hazy in the smoke from my cigarette
Anthony’s flat.
ANTHONY
I tell Jack that I live in West Hampstead
But we alight at Kilburn Station
Because it’s a closer walk
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
I’d like to put my arm in yours
ANTHONY
Maybe when we’re alone
We reach my flat
I lead Jack down the long entrance hallway
Lined with books
Some guys are into me
Because I live alone
Or because I have a steady job
George was into me
GEORGE
Because you feel like a solid piece of earth
ANTHONY
He
(Like me)
Was estranged from his family
But Jack
Like Jonathan before him
Is into me
Because I am the
Assistant Curator of Ephemera
At the British Library
Jack will return to Oxford
And tell his best friend
On his medieval history course
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
This guy I hooked up with
He works at the BL
ANTHONY
He will sit in a tutorial
And mention offhandedly
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
Oh yes
I know someone at the BL
ANTHONY
I show him my collection
Of poetry pamphlets from the late eighties
Here
Read the dedications
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
‘To the dearly departed’
ANTHONY
And
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
‘For Jon, Brian, Devan, and Arnie
And those who have gone before
From one who will shortly follow’
ANTHONY
I lead him to the kitchen
Anything to drink?
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
Just water
ANTHONY
I pour him a glass
And set it on my mid-century dining table
I open the fridge
And pull out a carton of cloudy apple juice
Bought from the West Hampstead farmers’ market
I take out my own syringe and a glass
I measure carefully
Would you like some?
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
I’ve never done it before
My cousin told me not to
ANTHONY
It will make us feel
Like live wires plugged into the same circuit
And crucially
Crucially
I find it helps with the
Sound.
ANTHONY drinks.
He mixes another.
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
You have it too?
ANTHONY
Mine sounds like the ocean
Or a ticking time bomb
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
Mine sounds like
Sound.
ANTHONY (struggling to be heard)
What?
JACK (THE YOUNGER) (shouting)
Buzzing
Or a metal door being dragged across asphalt
ANTHONY holds out the glass.
The sound stops.
ANTHONY
Drink it all in one go
Otherwise you’ll taste it
JACK drinks.
It is while I am watching Jack drink
His prominent Adam’s apple bobbing up and down
In the same way Jonathan’s does
That something triggers in my brain
Something remembered
GENE
At first I thought he had been exercising
ANTHONY
I look at the solution I have just mixed
My heart begins to race
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
It tastes awful
ANTHONY
I pull out the slip of paper Felix gave me
I have a hunch
Just a minute
I dial
While I wait for an answer
I keep my eyes on Jack
Watching for signs that the drug has taken effect
Watching him turn from bone into cartilage
GENE
Hello?
ANTHONY
Genevieve?
This is Anthony
I’m a friend of your nephew
Felix told me you had an unfortunate experience
Last week
While walking your dog
GENE
Hastings
Yes
We had passed through the copse
Connecting Parliament Hill
With the tumulus
When Hastings bolts forward
And begins licking a man slouched over
I call Hastings off and approach slowly
I try to shake him but there’s no response
ANTHONY
You said in the paper
You thought he had been exercising
Why exercise?
GENE
Because of the bottle
It was one of those sports drinks
Leviathan
Linocaine
ANTHONY
Lucozade?
GENE
That’s the one
Bright orange
ANTHONY
I hang up the phone
Jack looks at me strangely
Happy
Blissful
JACK (THE YOUNGER)
It’s true
The sound has disappeared
ANTHONY
It is now starting to have an effect on me too
Here is a nineteen-year-old in front of me
And I am not yet thirty-three
I begin to loosen Jack’s tie
Remove a handsome silver tie clip
Unbutton his shirt
I lean in to kiss Jack’s mouth
He speaks
But it is not him speaking
GEORGE
Anthony
ANTHONY
George
GEORGE
You discovered
ANTHONY
Yes
GEORGE
You know I didn’t overdose
You know it was murder
The missing necklace
The bottle in the wrong hand
But most of all
Gamma-Butyrolactone
In a mixture I never would have
Could have
Drunk
ANTHONY
The bottle was a plant
GEORGE
Yes it was
ANTHONY
You were murdered
GEORGE
Yes
Yes I was
ANTHONY
What do you want me to do?
GEORGE
I need my necklace back
I need it desperately
ANTHONY
And then what?
GEORGE
That’s up to you
ANTHONY
And why should I help you?
So what if you were murdered?
You don’t mean anything to me
GEORGE
We both know that’s not true
We both know that I was becoming
More than just a
ANTHONY
My feelings were under control
Now if you don’t mind
I’d like to speak to Jack again
Give me Jack back
No response.
I said give me Jack back
GEORGE
No
Not until you promise
ANTHONY
Fine
But I want something in return
GEORGE
What?
ANTHONY
Make it go away
GEORGE
Make what go away?
Sound.
They listen to the sound.
The sound stops.
ANTHONY
Make it go away
For good
Pause.
GEORGE
Okay
When you find my necklace
ANTHONY
Okay