Kate’s story was inspired by what I’ve witnessed in the lives of friends and family around me.
I have female friends who’ve struggled with some of their male colleagues at work. I’ve heard my friends’ first-hand tales, and I’ve seen the tears they cried years later when they relayed their stories. I’ve also seen the effects of domestic violence. (And I’m not just talking about physical beatings. Emotional abuse can arguably be worse.)
Perhaps this book is my way of coping with the information these brave women shared with me.
Bullying exists in almost every environment, and big, strong men aren’t the only culprits; women are guilty of it, too. Abuse can come from anyone.
To better explain myself, I’ll use the frog in the pot analogy, which you’ve probably heard before. If a frog jumps into a pot of boiling water, it will jump right out and return to safety. However, if the same frog is placed in a pot of lukewarm water that gradually gets heated up until it reaches boiling point, the frog won’t jump out. It’ll stay in and die.
I doubt anyone would choose a relationship with a violent, manipulative person. Like the frog, most would jump out: call it a bad date, delete the person’s number, and then move on.
Violence and abuse often start slowly and gradually. The victim often doesn’t realize it until much later. Excuses can often be made to explain the abuser’s first small outbursts, which then become so regular that they redefine the norm. Things keep escalating from there, and the victim’s tolerance and the number of false excuses made on behalf of the abuser also go up.
Until the final straw.
Perhaps it turns to physical violence (or not), but there’s one point where the victim has a moment of clarity and realizes that she’s no longer the person she used to be, she’s had enough, and it’s no longer acceptable for her to be treated the way her partner has been treating her. Her previous self would have never accepted it, but since the change was so gradual, it’s as though it went unnoticed.
But along with this very important realization comes the biggest hurdle of all: the social pressure (perceived to be) imposed by those around the victim: What will they think of me? I’m going to look so stupid. The whole neighborhood/company/family/etc. will see how weak I’ve been. They’ll never forgive me for ruining my husband’s reputation, tarnishing the family name, and/or destroying my kids’ lives.
Unfortunately, this is the stage where many victims get stuck, unable to leave because of … [fill in the blank with more excuses].
But I’m no psychologist. What I wrote above is based on my own experience, witnessing abuse from the outside. I’m grateful I’ve never been a victim, but I can certainly understand how it could happen to anyone, including me.
I’ll get off my soap box in a second, but I hope you’re not the frog who’s about to be boiled to death.
If you or someone you love is a victim of domestic violence or bullying, please get help. Lots of organizations exist at the municipal, state/provincial, and federal level in most countries.
Wikipedia provides several domestic violence hotlines, listed by countries:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
If you suspect someone you love may be in an abusive relationship but don’t know how to broach the topic, this fictitious story could be an option. Why not recommend this book to your friend?
Everyone deserves love and respect.
Don’t be afraid to speak up.