CHAPTER 6

KICK THE HABIT

Sometimes in life, there’s a lot going on. You know how it is. There are a hundred and one things to do but not enough hours in the day.

On top of that, there’s no sugar-coating the fact that we live in difficult times. Happiness might feel like it’s a delusional goal right now. I understand that. Numerous studies highlight that people feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. Next time you’re in a busy shopping area or on a crowded train, look at people’s expressions. It is a scene of angst, stress and disconnection.

Not to mention that every moment of every day there are the challenges of your external world (responsibilities, commitments, uncertainty, stressors) as well as your internal world (saboteur, worry, your mind, emotions).

It’s no wonder we feel anxious!

Alongside the demands of life, you may also have times when you don’t feel great about yourself. I think we can all identify a time in recent memory when our internal saboteur has plagued us with confidence-busting questions such as, Am I good enough? Can I do this? Will I fail? Am I going to make a fool of myself? This voice isn’t easy to listen to and it might seem easier to block out your saboteur with external stimuli or ‘rewards’ such as a new pair of trainers or games on your phone. When the going gets tough it’s normal to crave some relaxation, and create distractions to get away from it all.

I occasionally feel overwhelmed, and when I do, a sugar fix or online shopping creates a welcome distraction. And it can be healthy to stop, step back from everyday life and recharge your batteries. Seeking fun, excitement, distraction, achievements or stimuli can feel good. If managed sensibly, they can all be helpful strategies contributing to a sense of balance. So don’t worry, I haven’t joined the misery police!

Although this behaviour is totally valid and can be healthy, I do have a cautionary message in this chapter, based on many years of experience working on the frontline of physical and mental health services: we should be aware that these distractions can become unhealthy habits, which is when they start interfering with other parts of your life, and that’s when problems arise.

ARE YOU OVER-RELIANT ON SOMETHING THAT HELPS YOU MANAGE?

Sometimes habits that help manage stressors or emotions become excessive or heavily relied upon. This can lead to other problems such as addiction. This chapter isn’t about addiction but it will explore whether you are heavily reliant on habits to cope with your life. The question of whether you are addicted to something or not, only you can answer. There are various theories on addiction or dependency that I won’t get into here. But, for simplicity’s sake, I think it’s safe to say that if you can’t function without something or stop doing it when you want to or are required to, then chances are you’ve become ‘hooked’ or are over-reliant on it. In this chapter, I’m going to use the expression ‘hooked’ loosely and you can decide whether it applies to you in any capacity. You may want to use a scale of one to ten (ten being I can’t stop it, one being I rarely need it) to help you decide. You may not need to totally abstain from a habit but only you can evaluate what will be most helpful. I would say a regular score above five or six is worth reviewing.

The habits that you think are making you happy can, in the long term, have the opposite effect. Precisely how will become clearer later in the chapter.

Try to keep an open mind with the message I offer in this chapter. Some of what I say here might make you feel a little uncomfortable. I’ll be suggesting reducing or taking away some of your ‘crutches’ (your habits) and you may not like that. Remember, I’m working with you, not against you, with the ultimate goal of removing some of the blocks to your happiness. I’ll also be encouraging you to look at replacing some of your unhealthy coping mechanisms with healthier habits.

An important starting point is recognizing what your unhelpful habits might be. These are the activities that impact negatively upon the below aspects of your life, and they need your attention:

• Your mood

• Your health

• Your finances

• Your family

• Your relationships

• Your work life

• Your choices

• Your sleep

• Your motivation

• Your self-worth.

Often, we perform our habits so automatically that they’re difficult to identify as problematic.

I can imagine there might be a few things going on in your mind at the moment. You might be wondering what your habits are. You might know what they are but feel uncomfortable thinking about them. You might even want to put the book down as thinking about this has suddenly made you feel uneasy.

Whatever you’re feeling, I encourage you to hang around as there will unquestionably be something that could help you here. What makes us uncomfortable often makes us grow. A tough pill to swallow, I know, but true.

In my thirty years of working with people who are struggling, I’ve witnessed that unhealthy habits tend to fall into one of ten patterns:

• Alcohol

• Drugs (prescription and recreational)

• Sex

• Porn

• Shopping

• Gambling

• Food

• Gaming

• Social media

• Achievements such as money, success, power, status, titles and fame.

In line with previous chapters, try to identify which pattern or patterns your unhelpful habits fall into. There are no right or wrong answers here and it doesn’t matter if you identify with one pattern or all of them. Try not to judge yourself harshly here. It’s tough enough having a saboteur to deal with without giving yourself a hard time too!

Write down in your journal which behaviour patterns you identify with and if you have a few, perhaps prioritize which you’d like to work on first. For now, you are simply identifying and prioritizing. As we move through the chapter, there will be guidance on how you start to let go of these unhelpful patterns, whatever they are.

I treated a young guy a few years back who was addicted to heroin. He told me he was making good progress and was ready to end therapy – after four sessions! He said he didn’t need the ‘gear’ any more. I could have told myself that I was an amazing therapist, curing this guy in four weeks, but I knew he was having me on! The one thing I should say about my job is that BS-detection comes with the territory, and my detector has become particularly finely honed (if I do say so myself!) following years of practice. I knew he wasn’t being honest with himself or me. Upon further enquiry, I discovered he had indeed stopped using heroin but had started using cocaine regularly instead (which he saw as less of a problem). One habit had replaced another.

Sometimes we all tell ourselves the story we want to hear. When it comes to letting go of unhelpful habits, the one thing I require of you above all is brutal honesty with yourself; that’s the only way you’re going to move forward.

WHY YOU BECOME STUCK

There are three reasons why you might rely on unhelpful habits:

1. You have easy access to quick fixes that feed your habit and make you feel better for a while, for example, alcohol.

2. You have never learnt to self-soothe (self-soothing in this context means to acknowledge your emotions and respond in a non-judgemental way, to make positive self-care choices, regulate your emotions and to be kind to yourself). There will be more on this later in the chapter.

3. You may be in self-destruct mode.

QUICK-FIX HABITS

From the introduction, you will remember that I mentioned the three systems that we operate from as human beings, especially when we are under pressure: threat, drive and soothe. For example, if you are hyper-vigilant, constantly worrying or employing habits that enable you to stay in control, then your threat system is in overdrive. If you’re always striving to achieve more or seeking distraction via stimuli such as drugs, then you are operating from drive mode. If you have a balanced lifestyle involving self-care, then you are operating in the healthy soothe mode. In summary, our habits are linked with whatever systems we tend to utilize most. It won’t come as a surprise to you that most people are only ever operating from either their threat or their drive systems at any given time. Sadly, the healthier alternative – our soothing system – seems to always be the bridesmaid, never the bride. All systems perform a helpful function when balanced but mental distress occurs when that balance is absent.

Using unhelpful habits to comfort or distract is totally understandable. We are, after all, in the era of instant gratification. We also don’t like ‘feeling’ too much. For example, take Jimmy, a client of mine. His marriage was in difficulty and he was under immense pressure at work. He regularly finished work late trying to catch up and ended the day drinking lots of alcohol. He’d get some short-term relief from his problems by making these choices but the next day he’d struggle because this had been his pattern for several months. He’d feel tired, hungover, irritated, ashamed and ultimately his happiness was compromised.

He used his drive system to engage the habits of over-working and drinking to manage difficult emotions linked to the external world (stress, uncertainty, pressure, unpredictability) as well as internal struggles (such as, Am I enough?). It’s not surprising that he’d reach for the bottle as a distraction to soothe and anaesthetize himself, and that others in his situation might do the same.

YOUR SELF-SOOTHE SYSTEM

If Jimmy had opted for his self-soothe mechanism instead when dealing with his marriage crisis and stresses at work, he may have taken a different route. He could have chosen to seek marriage guidance, join a gym or a club, regulate his work hours, seek help with his stress and generally find ways of taking care of himself. He didn’t because he didn’t know how to and this is often the case.

It is possible you may never have been taught to self-soothe. Let’s be honest, these skills are rarely taught at home or school. Many of us have been taught the ‘pull yourself together’ method. If you haven’t learnt about self-soothing or were unaware that it’s an option, then is it any wonder you’ve never used it?

Well, now you can, and I will be teaching you later how you can activate your amazing self-soothing system.

Remember, it’s not just what you didn’t learn, it’s also what you witnessed or experienced. If you witnessed your family or influential others using unhelpful habits as a way of coping, then chances are you’ll do the same. Another reason to stop self-judgement in its tracks as it’s simply an unhelpful learnt response.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR

I see self-destructive behaviour regularly as a therapist. Even when clients discover they have options to manage their lives in a better way, they often continue with the exact same unhealthy habits. This is usually accompanied by a host of excuses as to why things can’t improve. Eventually it becomes clear that the habits, whatever they are, come from a drive to self-destruct or from a place of self-loathing. When this happens, the shame that often accompanies these self-destructive behaviours needs to be addressed. Ironically it’s often a sense of shame that leads to the behaviours in the first instance, so it a self-perpetuating cycle. If this resonates with you, it’s important to remember that only you can change this. When your habits are having a destructive, harmful impact on your life, I encourage you to ask yourself why you continue to inflict this harm upon yourself? Have you ever considered that you deserve better than this? If you’ve never asked yourself this question, then perhaps stop for a few moments now and do so.

HOW YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD

I use an eight-step approach for this and I suggest you use it too, and in whatever order works for you:

• Admit there’s a problem

• Remind yourself that you’re enough

• Create healthier surroundings

• Wean yourself off your habit

• Learn to self-soothe

• Adopt healthier habits

• Identify the support you need to kick your unhealthy habit for good

• Allow for bad days.

At this stage, you should have identified the habits you want to work on. I don’t think it’s sensible to work on too many areas at one time, so let’s start with one and build up to the others.

ADMIT THERE’S A PROBLEM

I can’t stress enough how important it is to acknowledge and admit to yourself if you are struggling with an unhealthy habit or addiction. Let me reiterate again what a problematic habit is: it is a behaviour or thought process you perform repeatedly as a means of distraction, or to alleviate stress or anxiety, which comes with a price tag to other areas of your life. I have seen countless people come to my office accompanied by a loved one. Once the therapy door is closed (whilst the loved one waits outside), the client then reports they are fine. They go on to explain they are reassuring their loved one, and then normally attempt to collude with me at some level. Of course, I don’t. My normal tactic is to send the person away and suggest they come back when they are ready for help.

To change any habits that don’t work for your life, you first have to be able to recognize them as a problem for you. If you are unable to do that, nothing will change. You will not work on changing something that you don’t identify as a problem because your intention will lack motivation and desire. That’s why honest self-analysis is so important here. Here are some of the lies your denial might feed you at this point:

• You’re not as bad as other people

• You’re in control, as it’s not every day

• You deserve some pleasures in life

• You don’t need to listen to anyone’s view on this

• You can think about this another time

• You can start next week, now isn’t a good time

• You have failed before, you won’t be able to do this.

Neither I, nor any other therapist in the land, will be able to dictate to you what constitutes a problematic habit. Only you can identify this.

When you’re able to acknowledge a problem, you are on the road to recovery.

REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU’RE ENOUGH

Underlying many habits is an innate sense of not being enough. Habits can be a means of running away from something, and often that something is you. Reminding yourself that you are enough can be a useful anchor for the times when you wobble. For example, if you repeatedly need to prove yourself or achieve successes to demonstrate your worth or value, maybe it is about coming back to the essential truth that you are ‘enough’. By this I mean knowing that you matter and accepting yourself as you are is a crucial step to happiness. This will help you feel steady and prevent you from using your old habits to fill that void. When you regularly remind yourself that you are enough, in time you start to believe it. Remember, no matter how much you anaesthetize, avoid, hide or run away from yourself, eventually you have to come back there. I have run a few marathons in my life, literal marathons, and a few metaphorical ones where I’ve run away from myself. Coming back is really the only way.

CREATE HEALTHIER SURROUNDINGS

When making changes in life, it’s never just about the decisions you make. When you’re working on addressing your unhelpful habits, you’ll also have to evaluate other aspects of life: the people you engage with, your environment, your schedule, how you plan. All of these factors, and others pertinent to you, will be important.

WEAN YOURSELF OFF YOUR HABIT

Whatever habit you’re working on, whether it’s drinking too much, working excessively or seeking power, the next stage is to start gradually reducing your reliance on, and the frequency with which you perform, some of your old habits. This won’t be easy at first, which is why gradual reduction is important.

I want to add a specific comment here regarding reduction of substances such as alcohol, medication or drugs: please always seek professional guidance before starting this. Medical support may be needed in any programme of reduction to help manage ‘cold turkey’ (physical withdrawal) symptoms.

Back to more general guidance: once you’ve decided to work on a habit, I suggest that you set out a plan for weaning yourself off of it. This will enable you to work within a structure that is manageable for you and to track your progress. Often ‘slow and steady’ wins the race here. Many habits will have been ingrained for quite a long time. Gradual, phased reductions of old habits will help you establish new habits at a sensible pace. Many of the reports on dieting, for example, show that drastic quick-fix diets rarely work in the long term. For example, if you practise an unhelpful habit five times a day, then maybe reduce to four times daily for the first few days and so on. It might also be useful to join a support group, share your intentions with someone or start to keep a journal of progress.

LEARN TO SELF-SOOTHE

In its simplest form, self-soothing means going inward to find solutions to manage some of the difficult emotions or experiences in your life. For example, a client of mine, George, used gambling as a method to cope with his life, as he found it difficult to manage some painful emotions from his past. Gambling was his external means of soothing but in therapy we worked on how he could relate to his internal pain using healthier self-soothing methods. These included adapting his internal voice to be kinder to himself, using relaxation methods to quieten his mind, regulating his gambling, reserving judgement of himself and his circumstances, and processing some past experiences that triggered feelings of shame.

Self-soothing has different meanings for different people so use whatever methods work for you. Put simply it is self-actions, words, changes, habits or behaviours that help you feel more at ease. For one person it could be going to yoga, another a long walk or someone else meditation. As long as the act of self-soothing comes from a place of compassion, kindness and non-judgement, you won’t go wrong. I can confidently say that when you learn to self-soothe and respond to yourself with some degree of compassion and kindness, everything changes.

Most people regularly treat themselves appallingly by continuously self-deprecating, self-judging or self-critiquing. In short, beating themselves up. This has to stop. When you are tough on yourself, you create a tough life. No one has ever experienced happiness following this path. I have a mantra that I try to follow: if I wouldn’t say or do it to someone else, knowing it could hurt him or her, then I won’t say or do it to myself.

ADOPT HEALTHIER HABITS

I mentioned earlier that not all habits are unhealthy. Replacing some habits with healthier alternatives is a great option. If it enhances body, mind and spirit in a way that works for you, without negative consequences, then go for it.

IDENTIFY THE SUPPORT YOU NEED TO KICK YOUR UNHEALTHY HABIT FOR GOOD

This will depend largely on what habits you’re focussing on and the extent of the habit. However, all the key studies on addiction show that support systems such as therapy, groups, communities and dedicated programmes improve recovery. Even if you only share your intentions with one person, you’re making the process a less solitary experience. It might be helpful to set up a system that allows you to share your progress with another person or group of people, or you could ask another person to check in with you regularly to incentivize you to stay on track. Try to select someone encouraging, non-judgemental and supportive. The last thing you need is someone giving you a hard time or judging you! None of us need that.

ALLOW FOR BAD DAYS

Unquestionably you will have days when things don’t go to plan. Life will get in the way with changes or unexpected ups and downs. In a period of transition or change it is important to make allowances for wobbles. This will give you permission to get it wrong or simply have a bad day. More importantly, it will allow you to start again the next day, rather than catastrophize or ‘throw in the towel’. Permanently changing long-term habits requires patience, understanding and flexibility. Some of the most successful people in history describe failing as part of their success. Success isn’t about never making a mistake; it’s about the ability to get back up. Don’t be afraid to fall sometimes and assume bad days as a normal part of the process. Bad days can be sources of great wisdom!

HOW THIS WILL CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR HAPPINESS

I know from my work that unhelpful or unhealthy habits never solve the real issues that you’re using them to distract you from or ease the symptoms of. When you stop, reduce or tweak habits (whatever is needed) you will become happier. Why? Because you are free from ‘safety behaviours’. This term is often used in the world of anxiety management but it’s equally relevant to happiness. The habits you are hooked on are safety behaviours and offer a quick fix or ‘hit’ that offers short-lived relief from your anxiety or unhappiness. But they’re a metaphorical plaster on your issues, not a cure, and won’t make you happy in the true sense or in the long term.

Without the anaesthetizing effects of your safety behaviours, you may initially feel deeply uncomfortable but you will also be experiencing your true, authentic self. When you don’t avoid feeling your naturally occurring emotions, you are more present in your life. This is an essential aspect of true happiness. You are turning up for your life and experiencing it fully, as it is. Not only that but you will become stronger and more resilient as you discover you can successfully navigate the landscape of your life without crutches.

Happiness isn’t just a state of mind; it’s something you can contribute to with every choice you make. I think one of the most exciting aspects of our humanity is knowing that we have the power to opt in for this.

COMMITMENT

Vague intentions to make life changes rarely come to much. When dealing with changes in habits, dedication is necessary. If you think back to Chapter 2, when I discussed the brain, you will remember how hardwired we are. If you’re serious about changing your unhelpful habits, you will need to start rewiring you brain to respond in different ways. Everything you do and every decision you make can help you achieve this. Essentially you are creating new hardwired systems. For example, if you’re stressed and normally drink a bottle of wine in the evenings to cope, then your brain is hardwired to that response. When you reduce or stop (whatever you need to do), you immediately create a new response system, which will impact on how your neuropathways transmit information. Each time you opt for an alternative response, you will help solidify changes at a neurological level. This will help create new habits.

A commitment to healthier responses is non-negotiable and consistency is essential.

So, in whatever way is helpful for you, write down the intention you’re committing to and what the healthier alternative might be. I suggest you read this commitment every day as a reminder or have it on you at all times so you can easily revisit it when you’re struggling.

CASE STUDY

This case study relates to a group of young adult offenders I worked with. There were eight young men in the group, aged eighteen to twenty-two. They had two habits in common:

1. They all were involved in habitual crime.

2. They were all using drugs excessively.

I used a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach with the group and developed what is known as a group formulation. A formulation is a mapping out of a person’s story and its purpose is to make sense of behaviours and what maintains them. Essentially CBT focuses on the effect our thoughts have on our emotions and behaviours.

Core themes emerged in the group that every participant identified with, which helped make sense of what was going on.

When it came to exploring what had happened in the past in the lives of each of the men, it transpired that all had experienced the following:

• Poverty

• Abandonment

• Instability at home

• A history of criminal activity dating back to early teenage years

Leading to feelings of:

• Abandonment issues

• Low self-worth and value

• Anger

• Anxiety about the future.

When it came to the role of unhelpful habits (crime and drug use), the following was identified:

• Both were viewed as a means of coping.

• Both stopped them dealing with feelings.

• Both provided some sense of identity.

• Crime helped them express their frustration.

• Both were viewed as a means of survival.

• Drugs provided a sense of soothing.

• Crime provided a sense of achievement.

• Both provided distraction.

Finally, when it came to exploring the potential consequences of crime and drugs, the entire group had experienced the following:

• Criminal records

• Unemployment

• Worsening sense of self-worth

• Symptoms of anxiety and depression when ‘coming down’ from drugs

• Emotional detachment (inability to identify feelings)

• Fragmented personal and family relationships

• General sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

Of course, this group are a relatively extreme example when it comes to unhealthy habits but I hope this story illustrates the impact of the choices we make and demonstrates that their choices contributed to their unhappiness. With this in mind, I encourage you to seek to understand your habits with compassion, as, above all, this will help most.

As a group, we worked on all the key issues I outlined. After several weeks, the majority of the group began the process of reducing their drug intake via an organized programme and ceased their involvement in crime (as far as I was aware). After three months of treatment, six of the group showed significant improvements in their mood, their habits were under control, and they all started to re-evaluate their futures.

Two of the group dropped out after several weeks, which sadly can happen when people are unable to commit to change.

Above all, I hope this case study is a reminder that there is a story behind every behaviour; a choice with every habit; a way forward with every situation. Kicking the habits that are holding you back can truly kick-start your journey to a happier life!

SUMMARY

• It is important to identify and understand your unhelpful habits.

• Many of these habits are automated and used as coping strategies.

• Wean yourself off your habits gradually at a pace that is comfortable for you.

• Seek help when needed.

• Remind yourself that you are enough.

• Find alternative healthier habits.

• Self-soothe techniques will help.

• Remember the cost of unhealthy habits.

• You have control over how you manage your habits. You equally have control over how you contribute to your personal happiness with the choices you make.