43

‘Do you think our Danny suffered?’ Heather asked Cara, her eyes like a haunting.

Cara had carefully told Heather about how she’d arranged to meet Danny with Paula Gadd – the woman whose husband Cara held responsible for Sean’s death. ‘I wanted her to know what kind of man he was,’ Cara had said, sadly.

Then she went on to tell the older woman how, when she and Paula had found her son, he was already dead. She decided to miss out the part about the knife sticking out of him, the pool of congealing blood in his lap.

Cara shook her head in answer to Heather’s question, then coughed to clear her throat of emotion. ‘No.’ And the word was barely audible, so she said it again. ‘The police said it would have been very quick.’ She paused. ‘Mind if we go in the kitchen?’ she asked her, having a look around the room at the crowd of women, and suddenly feeling self-conscious.

‘Sure, doll,’ Heather said with a tight smile. She climbed to her feet as if it was costing her the last reserves of her energy. ‘C’mon.’

In the kitchen, there was no room for any chairs, so they leaned against the cabinets and watched the kettle while it boiled. The space was narrow enough to stand in the middle of the floor and put a hand on the cabinets on either side. Eyes drawn to the ceiling, Cara noticed there was a large hole.

Heather noted where her eyes had gone and explained. ‘I had a leak and the plumber had to get to the pipe.’ She gave a pained smile. ‘Danny was supposed to fix it ages ago. Said all it needed was some plywood. Wouldn’t let me get a man in to fix it … said it was his job.’ She turned away from Cara to face the kettle that had reached the boil. ‘What was it you wanted, hen?’

‘I’ll just have a glass of water, if you don’t mind. I’m kinda coffee’d out today.’

‘I know exactly what you mean,’ Heather said with a small glint in her eye as if she’d just located her sense of humour. Then it immediately faded as the tears welled up. ‘Water?’ Heather asked as if stirring herself and finding some energy. She reached up into a cupboard. ‘There’s some glasses. Help yourself.’

Cara reached up and pulled one out, then filled it at the tap. She leaned her back against the sink and faced Danny’s mother.

‘He had his up and downs, you know?’ Heather was staring at the wall. ‘He talked about mibbe coming into some money, just a week or so ago. I said, aye so you will. He was always full of big talk. But he was getting there. It was all that two steps forwards and one step back sorta thing. He’d do well – and I have to thank you for helping him getting to see his weans. He was made up about that, so he was. And then…’ she shook her head ‘…there would be a cheap score and he would … Stupid boy. Stupid, stupid boy.’ Her head fell forwards so that her chin was on her breast bone as she gave in to her weeping.

Cara could do nothing but wait until it passed. After a few moments she felt she had to say something.

‘It’s nice that everyone turned up tonight. Really nice.’ She reached across and stroked the other woman’s arm.

Heather roused herself a little at the touch. ‘Aye, hen, it was. We’ve a great wee community here. A great wee community. They slag us off. Say we’re no-hopers, but the people here care, you know? They really care.’ She dabbed at the damp of her cheek as if barely aware she was doing so. ‘What did you want to talk to Danny about? I know you already told me, but I’m not listening so well…’ She tailed off by way of an apology.

‘Our Sean,’ Cara replied, not wanting to go back through all of that after all. It would only increase her despondency. ‘As I said, I wanted the Gadd woman to know what kind of man she’d been married to.’

‘Oh, God,’ said Heather her mouth open. ‘I should’ve thought. You’ve been through all of this with Sean. How could I be so selfish?’

‘Hey,’ said Cara, ‘that was some time ago. Yours is much more recent.’

‘It never fades though, eh?’

They stood in silence for a moment, each nursing their own loss.

Heather broke the silence. ‘Our Danny felt awful about what happened to Sean. Said it was a total accident what happened to that Christopher, but the Gadd fella refused to believe it. He was certain there was something else going on, apparently, and wanted Sean to suffer every broken bone that Christopher did.’

Cara winced.

‘Sorry, love. But you know all that, eh? Danny would have told you.’

‘He didn’t tell me much really. He left that wee detail out, to be honest.’

‘Was probably trying to save you any more hurt, love. That was our Danny over the back.’ She crossed her arms as if that simple act would bolster her strength. ‘The whole thing haunted him. He’d get drunk or be on something and talk about it for hours.’

‘I only wish he had talked to the cops at the time and Tommy Gadd would have had his heart attack behind bars.’

‘Aye, well, he was scared, eh? And he wasn’t a grass.’ Heather scratched at the side of her face, and Cara could see that her fingernails were all chewed to the quick. ‘Just as well.’ Heather continued. ‘Or it would have been the wrong man behind bars.’

‘Wait. Wrong man? What are you talking about?’ In an instant Cara’s heart had turned to a block of lead, her insides solid.

‘Oh, sorry, love, did Danny not tell you that bit?’

‘What bit?’

‘He was round the other day. On the cadge, until this big wedge of cash came his way.’ She rolled her eyes at the notion. ‘But you know … tough love. I’d done so much for him. I thought…’ Her eyes filled again and she rocked back and forth with the force of her emotion. Cara watched in an agony. How could she interrupt and beg the woman to tell her what she knew? ‘Would he still be alive if I’d given him…?’

‘Oh, Heather,’ Cara pulled her close. ‘You can’t torture yourself. I’ve seen it a thousand times. His life was chaotic.’ How to say this. ‘Something was bound to happen…’

Heather shuddered. Visibly pulled herself together. ‘You’re right, hen. But it doesn’t really help. I let my boy down and I’ll have to live with that.’ She wiped at her cheek with a delicateness that surprised. As if she was imagining touching the face of her son. Then she looked at Cara. ‘What were we saying?’

‘Danny had the wrong guy?’ And it was all Cara could do not to take her by the shoulders and give her a good shake until she told her everything she knew.

‘Right. Aye. So he said he was sure it was Tommy Gadd cos the guy was behaving like it was his son that had died, but then a few days after Tommy’s death was in the papers, Danny was up the town and saw the guy that had given Sean a doing.’ Heather looked at Cara, a question in her eyes. ‘Danny said he was so like the other guy he thought he’d seen a ghost. Did this Gadd fella have a brother? A twin or something?’