The Rule
The Rule will be followed in every particular. Behaviour will be modest and seemly. Respect the Lord by never shortening your words.
ON SUNDAY, THERE WAS A NEW SET of girls to work with Talitha and me in the nursery. I saw the pity in their faces whenever they looked at us.
At lunchtime, Rachel ran over from the temple. ‘Rebecca! Father says we can have lunch together tomorrow. At my house!’
Some of the ache in my heart eased. It would be so good to truly talk to her again.
Talitha came into the bathroom to change a baby when I was busy with Sister Judith’s son Shiloh. ‘Talitha, do you mind all this?’ I gestured at the nursery, the babies.
She laid the baby — Damaris’s son — on the changing table, giving a quick glance to check we were alone. ‘I find Sunday worship difficult, Rebecca. Elder Stephen is a holy and godly man, but when he preaches I feel the weight of his disappointment on my heart. I feel I’ve let him down.’ She sighed. ‘I try to walk the path to salvation, but I know I’m a sinner.’
I couldn’t help laughing. ‘You couldn’t be a sinner if you tried, Talitha!’
She said, ‘I still worship the Lord. I thank Him for the many gifts in my life. A beautiful day. A happy child. The gratitude of a mother I helped when she was ill. Many things. I find it a reverent way to worship.’
She refastened the snaps of the baby’s leggings and took him back to Damaris, leaving me staring after her. Did she know she’d just given me a precious gift? Did she know her words would help me live my own life without bitterness? It would take time and effort for me to become accepting like she was, but it helped so much to have a path to follow, a way to live in the world.
THE NEXT DAY, Mother let me leave early to go to Rachel’s. I broke the Rule by running all the way. I couldn’t wait to see her, to talk and laugh the way we’d always done. She met me on the road. ‘I could not wait!’ She tucked her arm in mine. ‘I have so much to tell you.’
‘And so much you can’t tell me,’ I teased her, laughing when she blushed. ‘I want to hear all about Queenstown. Did you see snow?’
She giggled. ‘We had a snow fight! It was such fun, Rebecca. We probably broke the Rule a million times but—’
‘There was nobody to see you,’ I finished for her.
She gave a little skip. ‘It is good to be home, though. It is such a pleasure …’ She broke off, conscious I would never have what she had.
I gave her arm a shake. ‘Rachel, please don’t be scared to say things. I want to hear about your life. I want to hear about your happiness. Please believe me! Now tell me, what is it that gives you such pleasure?’
‘To have my own house. To prepare food for my husband.’ She watched me closely as she talked, checking for tears, no doubt.
All I said was, ‘I’m truly glad. But Rachel, for goodness sake — d’you think I want you to be like Kezia?’
After that, things were easy again between us, though we knew our relationship would never be the same as it had been.
I would grow accustomed.
From time to time that afternoon I watched as her face became dreamy. It had always been Saul for her, right from the beginning.
BY THE END OF AUGUST, I felt the shape of my future becoming clearer. Like Talitha, I had started watching the mothers when they brought their children to the nursery on Sundays. There were always some who looked worn and weary, and we would quietly say to them, ‘I will come next week to look after the little ones for a while.’
Always, those mothers were grateful. I grew more confident of being able to lead a useful life as an unmarried woman — of being able to find the strength to tell Father I wouldn’t accept Ira Strong for my husband.
The Wednesday Circle of Fellowship meetings were hard to bear, though. The married women expected me to join them, but I didn’t belong and at the least sound of a disturbance from the children I would excuse myself and escape to play with them.
Friday lunchtime became my time with Rachel. Those few hours were the most precious of the week. After the first couple of times, Mother made a point of asking, ‘Is your sister well?’
It took me that long to work out she was really asking if there was any sign Rachel could be pregnant. I knew that’s what Rachel hoped for herself.
‘It is strange,’ she told me, ‘I thought being a wife would occupy my entire life. But with Saul away at work all day there is too much time with nothing to do.’
Her house was immaculate, the garden tidy.
‘I really hope—’
‘What do the other girls do?’ I asked. ‘Tirzah, Drusilla and Abigail, I mean. Do they feel the same?’
She shrugged. ‘We do not get the chance to talk on Sundays, not about anything important.’
My heart went out to her. She was upset and I could see she felt bad about it. She had everything she knew I’d wanted for myself. ‘Rachel, you could ask them here for lunch. You could really talk to them if you did that.’
She stared at me as if I was a messenger from the Lord. ‘That is a brilliant idea!’ She leaned against me. ‘Thank you, my dearest sister.’
‘I won’t say anything to Mother,’ I promised her.
Rachel pulled a face. ‘No. She would just tell me to enjoy my chance to be idle.’
I jumped up. ‘Come on. We’re going for a walk. A long one where we can look out at the sea from a high hill. You’ll need a coat. We’ll most likely get rained on.’
We walked, we got wet, and I thought it did her good to be out of her house.
‘Do you ever wish for a phone?’ she asked as we strode back down the twisting road.
‘Yes! Now you’ve left home, I do. I didn’t before. But it would be such a comfort to be able to speak to you every day.’ I couldn’t say more or I’d cry.
She took my hand and quickened her steps, and we ended up running and laughing in the rain.
‘Rachel — do you feel free? Away from Father, I mean.’
She slowed to a walk and imitated his voice, ‘My daughter, did you uphold the Rule this day? Yes, to start with it was strange. But now I find it is not difficult to uphold the Rule. I want to be a good and godly wife to Saul. He is a good man. I am so lucky, Rebecca.’
I walked home in a thoughtful mood. My sister spoke the truth about upholding the Rule. I couldn’t recall her shortening her words even once.
MY SISTER WAS MUCH HAPPIER when I went to her house the following week. ‘Talking with the other girls has made all the difference,’ she told me. ‘We have had lunch together twice this week, and they have been feeling exactly the same as me.’
‘Have you come up with ideas? About how to use the time?’ It was a pity they couldn’t work helping other women the way Talitha and I did — but the Elders would hear about it and put an end to it. Elder Stephen would preach about how it was the duty of the newly wed woman to stay home, stay calm and prepare to receive the gift of a child in order to fulfil her destiny.
She giggled. ‘Actually, we have! Tirzah thinks she is probably pregnant. We have all started knitting and sewing for her.’
I stared at my sister, suddenly suspicious. ‘You are as well? Tell me! Have you got my niece or nephew in there?’ I put a careful hand on her stomach.
She blushed. ‘I do not know. But I have not been able to eat breakfast for a couple of days now. And I am so sore here.’ She gestured at her breasts. ‘Do not say anything to Mother. Not yet.’
When I returned home, I spoke before Mother could ask me anything. ‘Rachel is quite well, Mother.’ I decided to distract her thoughts. ‘She finds time heavy on her hands, though. She is used to being busy. She says it is very strange to just have Saul to look after.’
As we’d guessed she would, Mother said, ‘Goodness me! Tell her to enjoy being lazy while she can. Such a time will never come again.’
Had Mother ever been lonely? Had she wished for somebody to talk to? Although Father was a kind husband, he would never have talked to her just to pass the time of day. The Rule was the Rule and Mother’s duty was to obey it in every particular.
If I didn’t marry, I would have to live in my parents’ house until they were called to the Lord. How odd it would be with just the three of us. I didn’t allow myself to imagine Mother becoming a companion to me. It was best not to give in to such an impossible dream — I’d never be able to talk to her the way Rachel and I had talked.