Eric Dufault
Comic
PHILIPA, 19
PHILIPA is talking to her McDonald’s coworker, a hapless middle-aged man named GIL. She tells him how and why she is going to get a managerial job instead of him. Then she tells him how she’s going to celebrate.
PHILIPA See, the thing is, I’m a go-getter! I go, and I get! You don’t need to be a dude, you don’t need to be a slut, you don’t need to graduate high school, all you need to know is what you want and go get it! I don’t do coke, I don’t do smack, and, now man, everything’s coming up Philipa. Ten years from now, I’m gonna be like the manager of all McDonalds, and you know where I’m goin’ after that? [Beat.] Walt Disney World Resort. You ever been to Walt Disney World Resort? Course ya haven’t. I have literally met no one who went to Walt Disney World Resort. I bought this Disney autograph book when I was five? And when I go to Walt Disney World Resort, I’m gonna meet the dude who plays that little naked kid in The Jungle Book? Mowgli? And I’m gonna fuck the shit out of him. And after we’ve finished, I’ll get him to sign my autograph book. And then, whenever any basic bitch tries to shame me or make me feel lesser than her or whatever, I’ll show them the autograph book and be like: What’ve you done, bitch? And that’s when I’ll know I’ve made it.