Laura Marks
Seriocomic
CRYSTAL, late 20s
CRYSTAL is a saleswoman at a Saturn dealership. She is speaking to a recalcitrant, slightly odd customer who may or may not want to buy a car. CRYSTAL really needs to close the deal, as she is practically destitute.
CRYSTAL What our customers have found is that the places that say they negotiate are really just jacking up the price to begin with, so that’s the great thing about Saturn: total price transparency. We put it all right there on a sheet of paper. I might be able to throw in some free Saturn merchandise. But if buying American is something that doesn’t matter to you, then I don’t know what else I can say. If you want to buy something that came from a factory in Oki-saka-whatever, then go right ahead. But when you buy a Saturn, you’re buying American ingenuity and American jobs; from the person who hands you the keys all the way back to the guys on the line in Spring Hill, Tennessee—it’s like a family. And when you buy a Saturn, you can feel yourself becoming a part of that family. Charlie, I don’t think you’re really undecided. I think you know exactly what you want to do. I’ve told you about the features of this car until I’m blue in the face. So you want to know how this car is going to change your life. Oh, Charlie. You’ve hit on the exact reason why I love selling cars. Because other than a house, I think a car is the single most life-enhancing purchase a person can make. Your car is like a second skin. You’re in it every day. You live in it, you escape in it, you can even sleep in it . . . I’ve done that. If you have a family, it can change your relationship with your kids. If you’re a single guy, it can be the thing that gets you laid. It’s the face you show the world. It’s you.