A stone cottage on the northern coast of Pembrokeshire, the most westerly part of Wales, facing the Atlantic ocean.
Cardboard boxes fill the room.
Menna stands in the middle of the room with latex gloves on. Facing her is P.C. Gareth Rowlands.
Gareth Scratch my nose?
Menna No.
Gareth Hold my hands like this?
He holds his hands.
Menna No.
Gareth (clears throat) Clear my throat?
Menna You might need to do that anyway.
Pause.
Gareth Wink. I could wink? (Off Menna’s reaction.) No. Text? I could text you before?
Beat.
I’m / sorry, that’s ridiculous.
Menna No. Something in the moment. Something only we know.
Gareth Pull my ear?
Menna No.
Gareth Have you got any ideas? I can only think of winking now.
Menna can’t speak.
Gareth There must be something.
Menna It doesn’t have to be big. / It doesn’t have to be Gareth’s radio crackles with a voice – ‘India Whisky Uniform’. He walks off-stage.
Gareth Receiving, go ahead …
Menna watches Gareth go off, she circles the room before pulling her phone out and dialling it.
Menna (to phone) Hi.
Beat.
Nothing.
Beat.
Nothing.
Beat.
I love you.
Beat.
No, nothing.
Menna becomes self-conscious when Gareth appears at the door holding a box.
Call later, bye.
She hangs up.
Anything?
Gareth shakes his head.
Gareth They’ve got, Guess Who?
He puts it down.
It’s just there.
After putting it down Gareth taps it.
Peter?
Menna Hm?
Gareth Peter?
Menna Yes.
Menna finds herself leaning on something. Immediately she gets some sanitiser out and sanitises her gloves.
Menna Yes, that was Peter. Um it’s the furniture. It’s the furniture that’s bothering me.
Gareth Okay.
Menna It’s final.
Gareth Hm?
Menna There’s nowhere to sit.
Seeing a bench leaned up against something, Gareth pulls it down.
Menna It’s a garden bench.
Dusting the bench with his hands, Gareth sits on it.
Gareth Don’t read anything / into anything
Menna I don’t need to read anything into anything I’ve got the words right here.
She pulls a letter out of her handbag.
I just want you to be honest with me that’s all Gareth, we’re – I’d hope you know – we’re old friends and I’d hope you’d just, be honest.
She waits for Gareth’s honesty.
Can you be honest / with me Gareth?
Gareth Honestly Men …
Menna I don’t want any training / speak.
Gareth Honestly I’m not saying anything. It’s been so long since anyone bloody trained me for anything, for anything, listen, until we know either way none of this – it’s pointless. Alright?
Gareth wipes part of the bench clean and indicates for Menna to sit. Menna declines. Gareth takes his jacket off and puts it on the bench.
She sits down.
Boys coming down?
Menna Haven’t told them. / I’m not telling them. Not yet.
Gareth Nothing to tell yet.
Silence.
Menna How are the girls?
Gareth Out of my house thank God. I miss them but I don’t miss the two-hour showers and all the beeping.
Menna Peter’s one for two-hour showers.
Gareth What if I tell you to sit down? / Would that work?
Menna Might already be sitting.
Menna puts her head in her hands.
Gareth Come on, let’s play Guess Who.
Beat.
Pass the – you’ll go mad otherwise.
Menna I don’t want / to.
Gareth Neither do I but it’s all we’ve got.
Pause.
Menna It’s not really appropriate is it?
Gareth Who says?
Menna doesn’t know, Gareth fiddles with the game. Menna gets up and goes to the window.
Gareth I can’t remember how to play myself.
Menna looks out the window.
Menna What do people do?
She indicates – this – situation.
(Off Gareth’s reaction.) I’m being – aren’t I? / I am.
Gareth Best try not to think about that.
Menna I can’t; / do anything.
Gareth I know it’s hard.
Menna I can’t stop thinking about it so perhaps we just talk about it; how would you do it?
Gareth I’m not even going there.
Menna We’re just chatting.
Gareth We’re not just chatting.
Menna Gareth.
Gareth I’m not / talking about this.
Menna I want to know.
Gareth I’m not here / for this.
Menna What the hell are you here for if…
Gareth isn’t sure what to say.
Menna turns her back on him. Gareth stares at her. He tries to say something but nothing comes out.
He fiddles with the game; he lays out some cards on the floor, but can’t bring himself to play the game. He puts his head in his hands. He can’t look at her so he looks long and hard at Guess Who.
Gareth Cliffs; are popular.
He returns to the board with new purpose.
Menna Thank; good. Good.
Beat.
Gareth I have no idea what I’m doing.
Menna You uh, you pick one.
Beat.
Menna You’re meant to, pick one. Each. One face each.
Gareth looks at the laid-out cards. He picks one, yet still isn’t sure what to do. Exasperated Menna approaches, she sweeps up all the cards and shuffles them.
Menna Didn’t you play this with the girls?
Gareth Yes but when they were …
Checks box.
One to six? Yes, I was drinking a lot of whisky.
Menna offers him the pack; Gareth takes one.
Menna Put it in the little holder.
He puts it in the holder.
That’s how you play it.
Menna hands the pack of cards back to him, Gareth occupies himself with the game. Perhaps one caddy won’t go down flush, and so he fiddles with it.
Menna How’s Eirwen? [Eye-r-when]
Gareth Fine yeah. Doing a lot with the, uh, with the church these days. Very involved. I steer clear.
He hands her a card.
Menna Oh my God, he looks like Auntie Iola [Yola].
Gareth looks.
Menna Can you believe that?
Beat.
When she was younger.
Gareth Yes.
She looks at the card for an age.
Gareth Choose another card. Choose another card.
Menna takes another card off
Gareth and puts the one of Iola in the pile.
Gareth Does yours have a beard?
Menna No,
He starts flicking faces down.
she doesn’t.
He flicks even more faces down.
Menna Does yours have a moustache?
Gareth No.
She looks at the faces.
Flick all the ones with moustaches down.
She starts flicking the faces down, she then checks her mobile.
You done?
Menna Hang on.
Gareth Flick the moustaches down.
She flicks a couple more down and stops.
Does, yours, wear glasses?
Beat.
Menna What am I doing?
Gareth Look at the one you’ve chosen, say yes or no if she’s got glasses.
She looks at the card.
Menna Should we be driving around or something?
Gareth We’ll play one game, and then when there’s a winner I’ll radio through see what’s what.
She accepts this.
After I’ve won mind.
Menna This is all my fault.
Gareth No it’s not.
Pause. Gareth realises he hasn’t got many faces left.
I think perhaps we should try and draw the game out. Okay, you can’t ask a question about their description.
Menna I don’t understand.
Gareth Does yours look like the kind of person who’d have a tracker mortgage?
Menna Um … well. I don’t. I don’t know.
Gareth What would you say?
Menna No I don’t think she would.
The game slows down, Gareth mulls over his faces, he weighs up every face. He flicks down one.
Then he flicks another.
Gareth Your go.
Menna Um … Uh … I can’t think of anything.
Beat.
Gareth Hm … Can he fold maps? How about that?
Menna Okay.
Gareth Can he fold maps? Hmm … No I don’t think he can.
Menna flicks some faces down.
Gareth Does yours look like the kind of person to have a litre of petrol in the boot for emergencies?
Menna No.
Gareth Right …
He confidently flicks some faces down.
Menna You know the kind of people to keep petrol / in the boot?
Gareth Absolutely. Your go.
Menna and Gareth start to smile.
Menna Um … I can’t think of any again.
Gareth Does yours look like the kind of person who sticks her tongue out when she parallel parks?
Menna and Gareth share the joke.
Menna I do that.
Gareth puts his helmet on a hook.
Gareth I know.
Menna’s attention is drawn to the helmet on the hook.
Menna That’s it.
Menna points at the helmet.
That’s it.
Gareth What?
Menna points to the helmet.
That?
Menna That’ll work.
Gareth That’ll work?
Menna That’ll work.
Gareth gets up, picks up the helmet, he looks at Menna, puts it on the hook.
Gareth There?
Menna Yes there.
Beat.
Put your helmet on the hook when you come in and that’s how I’ll know she’s dead.
Gareth That’s it?
Menna That’s it.
Long pause.
Gareth Well that’s something.
Menna You must think we’re crazy.
Gareth gets a hip flask out and takes a swig.
Gareth Not at all. Seen it all before. When I started Bob Socks said to me, he was the old sergeant, there wasn’t anyone he hadn’t arrested. He said to me – ‘You can never ever underestimate how effing mental the general public are.’ And I’m not saying this is ‘effing mental’ you know, but … I’m just saying.
Beat.
The stuff we see. Men frothing at the mouth. Women biting each other. Kids fighting and (censoring volume) shitting through drink and drugs. We don’t even cover Haverfordwest. Probably always been like that, but we never saw it did we? When we were kids? But it’s going on. Behind all those closed doors there’s no end of nonsense.
Beat.
‘Behind closed doors, that’s where you’ll find the infinite chaos of human desire.’
Menna Bit grand.
Gareth Bob Socks again. Man was a poet. And it’s true. Nearly everyone round here’s got themselves in a situation they don’t know how to get out of. And then it’s the drinking and the fighting. Not their fault half the time. It’s living by the sea.
Menna What do you mean?
Gareth offers Menna his hip flask. Hesitating Menna takes it but spends an age cleaning it.
Gareth You know.
Menna What?
Gareth You were brought up by the sea. You know what it’s like.
Menna I don’t.
Gareth Okay.
Menna No, explain what you mean.
Gareth I don’t know, I just thought you’d understand;
I don’t know what I mean. I don’t, I just thought. I don’t know, it’s just living by the sea isn’t it?
Menna I don’t understand what you mean.
Menna takes a swig from the whisky.
Gareth It’s an ocean isn’t it? You know. I don’t know. Offers hope. That’s why everyone’s pissed all the time and the kids are sniffing glue and shagging. Going to church. Drives people mad. Farmers topping them – …
Menna gets up and runs out of the room. Gareth runs out and follows after her.
Off-stage, sounds of Menna throwing up.
Gareth There there. Get it up.
Opposite, Iola and Anest enter carrying a plastic shopping bag each with pebbles in.
Menna continues to heave.
Iola and Anest look at each other confused at the sounds off-stage. They each pull a pebble out and hold them aloft ready to attack the intruder.
Gareth (off-stage) That’s better. Whoa! Quite a lot there.
Menna (off-stage) Sorry. Thank you. Sorry.
Menna comes into the room wiping her face with a towel. She freezes, and Gareth bumps into her.
Anest Menna?
Menna Auntie Iola!
Anest Were you just being sick?
Menna sweeps Iola up in her arms.
Gareth (under) India Whisky Uniform, missing persons have just returned home.
Anest What’s going on?
Gareth (heading off-stage) Station command. Yes, missing persons have arrived home, two-fifteen. At Gwaelod y Garth, cottage.
Menna What the hell is all this about?
Anest What about?
Menna pulls a letter out of her pocket and hands it to Anest.
Anest starts to read it.
Iola (to Anest) I’m sorry.
Menna There’s police out looking for you. Do you know how much trouble you’ve caused? They’ve had helicopters out. Where the hell have you been?
Anest The beach. / Collecting pebbles.
Gareth re-enters.
Menna I had that in the post this morning. / Peter and I nearly had a heart attack.
Iola Has this caused you a lot of bother Gareth?
Gareth Don’t / worry about that.
Menna They’ve had helicopters out / for Christ’s sake!
Gareth We’re just glad you’re safe. I’m going to have to speak to both of you individually though. (To Iola.) You first / Mrs. Hughes.
Iola There’s no need Gareth.
Menna I’ll be having a word with her Gareth don’t you worry.
Gareth Mrs. Hughes, I’m sorry to be so formal and all that, but I have to tell you we have reason to believe you intend to take your own life and I’m duty bound to try to prevent you. And you Mrs. Owen …
Anest I was going to help her.
Legs going from under her, Menna sits down on the bench without checking for dirt.
Blackout.