As soon as we emerge from the closet, I rush off to my apartment, leaving Bodhi in my office. Unfortunately, by leaving that way I’ve shown him where I live, and that was something I wanted to avoid. It’s not that I didn’t want him to know; I just didn’t want him to be tempted to seek me out when he should be resting. It’s been hard enough knowing that he’s lying in a bed alone not far from me. I’ve caught myself many times walking down the hall where his room is, only to pause. I know he would’ve welcomed me with open arms.
I stare at myself in the mirror. The freshly fucked look is evident, and even though he didn’t touch my hair, it’s a mess. Running a brush through my hair, I pull it up in a ponytail and straighten my clothes, fixing my skewed panties.
I don’t know what I was thinking, letting that happen, and as I stand here considering the ramifications, I know I’m in trouble. What if he hasn’t been safe in the past? I don’t want to think negatively about Bodhi, but the truth of the matter is, he’s an addict and addicts use sex to score. The thought makes me lose the contents of my stomach.
“Kimberly?” His voice is full of worry and his hand soft along my back as I kneel in the bathroom.
“You shouldn’t be in here.”
“I know, but I wanted to check on you.”
“I’m fine, Bodhi.”
He leaves my side, but only to run the water and hand me a wet washcloth. As much as I don’t want to take it, I do.
“Thank you.” I flush the toilet and stand up. There’s a pained look on his face. I did that to him when I ran out on him. We just had sex because I asked him, and now I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks I’m repulsed by him.
“Without sounding like a pussy, did I hurt you?”
I shake my head and work quickly to brush my teeth.
“Then what’s wrong?”
I rest my hands on the counter and fight the tears that are coming. I don’t want to cry in front of him, but they’re coming whether I like it or not.
“We just had sex without a condom,” I say bluntly.
“Okay, well, I didn’t come, so if it’s because you’re not on the pill—”
“Don’t be naive, Bodhi. You can get a woman pregnant without actually ejaculating. But that’s not it. You’re an addict and I don’t know if you’re clean.”
He steps back at my insult, and I immediately regret what I’ve just said. I try to reach for him, but he puts his hands up. “I get it,” he says. “No need to explain on my behalf.” He turns away. I call for him, but he doesn’t return. The slamming of my door startles me, and a second later I break down and cry.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I don’t see Bodhi later at dinner, and when I go to look for him, he’s in his room. I open the door and peek in to find him lying on his bed, facing the wall.
“Bodhi?”
He doesn’t answer me.
“You need to come to dinner,” I say as I step into his room. I sit in the chair by his bed and fight the urge to reach out and touch him.
When I get no response, I say, “You really need to get up and come to dinner. There are rules….” This gets Bodhi to roll over. He looks at me, his eyes red-rimmed, and I can tell he’s been crying.
“Fuck the rules. If I wanted to eat, I would. Get out, Kimberly.” He turns back toward the wall, ignoring me.
I leave quietly, trying to figure out how to fix the mess I’ve created. It’s not going to be easy, but it needs to be done, because I can’t let my foolish and selfish actions hamper his recovery. I make my way to the cafeteria and fix us both plates of food. If I get caught, there’s no doubt I’ll lose my job, but I don’t care. I did that to him even though I knew better, and I need to make it right.
I return to his room with the food. When I enter, he’s in the same spot he was in when I left.
“I brought you dinner and you’re going to eat.”
“Go away.”
“No.” I climb up onto his bed and squeeze myself between the wall and his body. He closes his eyes, unwilling to look at me.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I panicked because we didn’t use any protection.” I whisper the words, fearful that someone may overhear us. “I’ve seen so much damage while working here, and all the negativity just swarmed over me and I blocked out the good stuff, like how you make me feel and how when I’m with you I forget that I’m supposed to be the responsible one and ward off your advances, but I’m often the one coming on to you. But I realized as soon as you walked out that you wouldn’t do something that might hurt me, would you, Bodhi?”
That question gets him to open his eyes and finally look at me.
“I would never do anything to hurt you, Kimberly.”
“I know, but my mind and heart weren’t communicating, and I spoke the words before I knew what I was saying.” I close the gap and kiss him softly on the lips. “I fear that I’m not good for you, Bodhi. This is the last thing you needed.”
“What I need is you,” he says. He pulls me closer to him. We stay like this for a few minutes until my tummy rumbles.
“You’re hungry?” he says.
I nod and smile. “I missed lunch.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you brought us dinner, then, isn’t it?”
“It is.” I sit up and climb over his legs as he rolls over. He finally gets up and sits on the edge of his bed, taking one of the plates.
“Thank you,” he says, and I look at him questioningly. “For this, but mostly for realizing the truth. I was contemplating leaving tonight after everyone went to bed.”
My heart falls, knowing I put doubt in his mind. “Well, it’s a good thing I didn’t listen to you when you told me to go away.”
“Yeah, good thing.” But Bodhi’s words don’t match the tone of his voice. He’s not okay. Fear starts to set in that the damage I did can’t be undone. I can’t risk staying in his room tonight, and there is no way he can stay with me in my apartment. There’s only one solution.
“I want you to tell Dr. Rosenberg that you don’t feel well.”
“Why would I do that?” he asks.
“Because she’ll put you in a different room over in the medical area, and that means I can stay in there as long as I want.”
“You want to spend the night with me?”
I nod as I take a bite of my food. “I do, but we can’t do it here.”
“We can’t do it in there either. What, are you going to crawl into my bed?”
I laugh and shake my head. “No, I’ll sleep in the chair next to your bed.”
Bodhi studies me for a moment before he smiles. “I’ll try to convince her.” He winks, causing my heart to skip.
We finish our dinner, chatting about what life is like for him outside of Serenity Springs, and he tells me that he’s not excited about his parents coming in tomorrow. He says that right now things are good with his dad, but he fears that after tomorrow’s meeting with Dr. Rosenberg and his parents, they’ll brush aside his concerns.
Once we finish, I take the dishes back to the cafeteria and hunt down Dr. Rosenberg to let her know that Bodhi isn’t feeling well. As I predicted, she rushes to his room, and he somehow convinces her that he’s in a lot of pain. She has an orderly wheel him down to the medical ward, and because it’s almost time for her to leave, she asks me to check in on him throughout the night, which I happily agree to.
After everyone goes to bed, I go into his room and pull the chair up next to his bed. At first he wants to make out, but I convince him to let me read to him. There’s something sensual about watching him listen to me read as he holds my hand.