A male DOCTOR is checking Fleabag’s breasts. She is taking it very seriously.
(to camera, grinning)
I mean, we’re all being very grown up about this but um—
Let me know if you feel any discomfort.
No, it’s lovely, thank you.
She laughs. He looks uncomfortable.
Your father informed me of your family history.
Yep. Evil boobs everywhere.
He doesn’t react.
Arm up please.
She lifts it. She looks down at her breasts.
The Doctor starts the check on her breast. He is touching it mechanically, but all the way around.
(giggling)
Heyyy! Stop it!
He stops.
Sorry I’m just ticklish.
He literally could not look more bored.
I examined your sister this morning.
Did you? Did she … Is she alright, did she seem alright?
Yes. Why?
Oh just – can’t get hold of her.
She seemed very busy.
Sure.
(beat, to camera)
Dad books us boob appointments once a year to make sure our tits don’t turn on us like Mum’s did. It’s a bit of a hassle, but at the end of the day it’s nice to be touched.
Beat.
(joking with him again)
Bet you look forward to seeing Claire. A LOT more to touch, if you know what I mean.
He tries to smile.
I’m sorry. It’s – just – there are worse jobs.
Look … I check for cancerous lumps in mammary glands. Any pleasure I derive from that is entirely dependent upon whether or not I am about to save your life.
Beat. Fleabag is humbled.
Of course, Doctor.
You can put your clothes back on.
Fleabag runs up the street towards Claire.
I’ve been waiting out here for nearly ten minutes.
You left me on a fucking silent hill.
Yes well I had to – Did you get back Ok? God this is so stressful.
(to camera)
Mum’s memorial lunch.
I should have worn my other coat.
(to camera)
Visiting Dad is hell for Claire. I see it more as a sport.
It’s so inappropriate that she should be here.
Have you spoken to Martin?
Oh it’s fine, everything’s fine, everything’s totally fine.
Sounds like it’s fine.
Can you please just give me some space, you’re standing SO close to me.
Ready?
No.
Fleabag rings the bell.
Don’t tell Dad about Finland. And don’t provoke her. Let’s just get out of this alive, Ok.
Fleabag grins.
It opens. Godmother is there. She puts her hand over her heart, overcome with emotion on this difficult day.
Girls.
(to camera)
Got to hand it to her.
(to Godmother)
Hi!
(re the flowers)
Oh you shouldn’t have.
Oh! They were actually for Dad—
Oh are those freesias?
Yeah they were always a sort of favourite of Mum’s—
Oh gosh how special, how lovely. Aren’t they stunning. Let’s just leave them …
She just puts them on the step. She looks at them.
There.
(looks at them)
Lovely!
(beat)
Come in.
The girls enter the house looking at each other.
Godmother is taking Fleabag’s coat. There is the sound of sawing in the background.
Who’s Dad sawing in half?!
Oh, just the tree.
Sorry?
Beat.
The tree in the back garden.
Why are you taking the tree down?
(smiley)
Felicity tried to use it to get out.
They all look at the cat cowering in the corner of the hallway. Fleabag sees that the cat flap has been taped up.
She’s very expensive.
Godmother takes Fleabag’s coat.
This is nice.
Fleabag gives a suspicious look to camera.
(suspicious)
Oh thank you.
(taking Claire’s coat)
Oh this is beautiful.
She smiles. Fleabag looks at Godmother’s hairpiece. Everyone is sweet as pie in this exchange.
I hope you don’t mind my being here but my Pilates fell through so—
Oh of course. No it’s lovely.
She strokes both of their arms.
It’s a sad day. A sad, sad day.
(beat, cheerily)
I’ll get the champagne.
Fleabag and Godmother and Claire sit in silence.
An unopened bottle of champagne sits on the coffee table with three glasses.
(to camera)
This is my favourite bit. Wonder who’s going to—
That’s a lovely cushion.
Thanks. It’s an original.
(bemused)
Gosh.
Pause.
Fleabag relishes the awkwardness. She grins at the camera.
I love your hat.
It’s a hair-scarf.
Looks like a hat.
(still smiling)
Well, it’s a hair-scarf.
Ok.
Pause.
Is Martin coming?
Oh. No. He’s away.
The girls look at each other. Fleabag is concerned.
I’m very excited to meet your new chap. Is he the …
She gestures gently to her front teeth.
Oh no. He’s a different one.
Oo! You do turn over fast.
(to camera)
Dad’ll come in with some weird canapés in a second.
Beat.
Dad enters with a tray of weird canapés.
Girls!
He puts the tray down.
Hello hello!
They all stand up, but then don’t know where to go.
Hi!
(simultaneously)
Hi!
He smiles at them awkwardly. Godmother smiles endearingly and stands next to him.
Sorry about all that noise. Have you got a drink?
Godmother jumps up.
Oh sorry!
(to Fleabag)
I forgot your glass.
She exits. Dad turns, slightly nervous.
You’re both looking … very healthy … very good and healthy and um …
They smile.
Did you … talk to Dr Samuels about your …
He gestures to their breasts.
Yes.
(simultaneously)
Yes.
They’re happy.
(still gesturing)
Getting along alright …
Yeah, yep.
Good. Excellent.
He smiles and awkwardly continues.
You are … my … daughters.
They both nod.
Yep / Yes we are.
Dad looks emotional for a second.
Sit down. I think I should … say a few words about your mother—
Godmother enters with another glass and starts opening the champagne.
(sweetly)
Ignore me … Ignore me … Ignore me …
This day is not an easy one—
She pops it loudly with a little ‘woo!’.
Godmother holds up her glass.
Cheers.
(holding up her glass)
To Mum.
To Mum.
The girls look at Dad. He looks nervously at Godmother, who smiles sensitively.
(quickly)
To Margaret.
Beat. Godmother is visibly jealous. She can’t bear it when he says her name.
Dearest Margaret. Just the most … generous woman.
She puts her hand on Dad. He smiles.
Yes she certainly was a—
(quickly)
Yeah she was great.
Fleabag and Claire look at each other. Fleabag and Claire drink.
Later. Dad has relaxed a bit. He is at the end of a conversation with Claire about Mum.
(laughing)
It was the voice she used for the pigeons. She always made them sound so rude. But very, very funny. She used to take the girls round the park and point at the um …
Oh the squirrel voices were the best—
(doing squirrel voice)
RUN RUN RUN RUN.
Dad and Fleabag join in. Godmother smiles awkwardly.
Yes my ex did a similar thing. Voices and fun. Really, really funny man. Really funny.
Fleabag frowns.
Can I help you with the food?
Oh yes, yes I should – yes.
And take that off.
Godmother leaves the room. Dad quickly follows, taking off his jacket as he goes.
Claire and Fleabag are alone. Claire gets out her phone.
So are you going to Finland? You’re going to have to talk to me eventually.
Claire ignores her.
Fleabag notices Claire has a plait in her hair.
(to camera)
Plaits. Either she’s got her period or some serious shit’s gone down.
(to camera)
She always does something slightly different around her period. She gets really bad PMT. Mum used to call it her Monthly Confidence Crisis but it’s PMT. The only way she can get through it is to reinvent herself in some small way.
Dad and Fleabag talk in the kitchen.
Claire in full Lycra, breathing deeply, looking defiant, enters. Dad and Fleabag look very awkward.
Fleabag grins.
What?
I’m doing a wee on this cushion.
WHAT??
Fleabag laughs.
Sort of wish you were.
Claire takes the statue out of her bag and puts it in front of Fleabag, who panics.
(whispering)
What are you doing?!?!
Just put it back where you got it from, Ok?
NO.
Just do it. I don’t want it in my house. I’m doing you a massive favour. She could really go to town on you for this.
Come on. What’s she gonna do? DRAW me?
Claire smiles slightly at the joke and gestures to the door.
GO.
No.
Claire goes to put it back herself and Fleabag jumps up.
Ok Ok Ok Ok.
She takes the statue and puts it under her top and exits. Claire follows.
The girls are sneaking up the stairs. Fleabag’s sneaking is very pronounced.
Why are we sneaking?
(whispering)
We’re not allowed upstairs.
Of course we are.
Fleabag and Claire walk in. There are paintings and sculptures and books everywhere.
Claire looks around the room. Claire focuses on one painting.
God I keep forgetting that she’s actually talented.
I know. It’s infuriating.
(gesturing to put the statue down)
Go on then.
Fleabag wipes her fingerprints off the statue, and places it on the floor, as though it’s fallen off the shelf.
Where’s her head?
She’s got your boobs. She doesn’t need one.
Claire smiles. They go to leave.
Hey – is everything Ok – with Martin?
You’ve invited someone today?
Yeah. But he’s horrifically hot. You’re gonna puke when you see him.
(beat)
Are you on your period?
Why would you ask that?
(to camera)
The plaits.
(to Claire)
No reason.
Say it.
The plaits.
Beat. Claire touches her plaits and turns away.
(laughing a little)
Hey. Do you think she’s ever painted Dad naked?
(short)
I think you should take your nose out of other people’s marriages.
Fleabag is hurt.
Godmother walks in.
Oo! Sneaking a preview are we?
Sorry! I spilt my champagne and I got distracted on the way to the bathroom.
Beat.
She looks at Fleabag.
Me too.
Beat.
It’s really beautiful work.
Thank you. Let me show you to the loo.
Oh that’s alright. We grew up in this house.
It’s all changed now though!
Claire leaves.
Your father is in the kitchen.
Ah great. I’ll go and torment him.
Godmother laughs.
Fleabag enters while her Dad is looking at the
canapés.
(to camera)
He hates being in a room alone with me. Watch this.
(to Dad)
Hi.
He turns around and immediately panics, bending his legs a little and moving quite a lot.
Oh! Oh!
He panics, looking subtly for an exit.
I just need some—
He tries to leave.
What do you need?
Just some … um …
He is standing next to the salt.
Sa-lt.
There it is.
Oh! Here it is! So um … how are you, darling? Have you got … enough … clothes?
(she smiles)
You can never have enough clothes.
And how’s the café?
Um … Well the lease is up in a couple of days and … I don’t really think I can afford to … I think I’m going to have to accept that it’s—
I’m sorry about that darling, but of course we’re just a little bit tight on the purse-strings too …
Oh no no, I wasn’t asking you for any—
… We’ve just been keeping it quiet. We haven’t been able to buy anything, or do anything.
He smiles. She notices a picture of a beautiful farmhouse on the dresser.
Oo what’s that?
Oh that’s um … A tiny little house that we’re buying in … in France.
Beat.
Fleabag smiles.
Lovely.
Beat.
I just wanted to talk to you about this … exhibition—
What exhibition?
He accidentally knocks over a tray of canapés.
Oh no!
Dad goes into a panic.
(laughing)
Jesus Dad.
Pick it up pick it up! Help me.
It’s Ok!
Please please please pl—
Ok!
She mustn’t – see it – she mustn’t find out.
They get on their knees and start scooping up the
canapés. Fleabag eats one.
Mmm five-second rule!
NO! I’ve never bought into that rule! It’s disgusting!
He looks up at her. He eats one. They both laugh.
Godmother enters.
What are you doing?
Oh just a little family tradition.
Oh! What odd fun. What are the rules?
The DOORBELL rings.
Oh thank God. That’ll be your man.
Fleabag and Dad look at each other.
Everyone is sat round the table. We don’t see who the guest is yet.
(to camera)
I mean, I didn’t want to show off but um …
Arsehole Guy is revealed in all his handsome glory.
(really fancies him)
Gooooosh! You really are … So how did you two meet?
(to camera)
Fucked me up the arse.
I used to manage a bar, and I just found her, crying in the toilet one night.
Pause.
(to Dad and Godmother)
How about you two? How did you two meet?
Through our mother actually.
Beat.
How’s work, Claire?
Oh, fine. Nothing new.
(to Arsehole Guy)
She used to be our godmother.
(sweetly)
Still am!
(beat)
But then their parents split up.
Mum died.
And we just became even closer friends.
Another awkward beat around the table.
You know – and I can say this because I’m an artist – but you really are very good-looking.
Thank you …
Very.
Beat.
Thank you.
Very.
Thank you.
Godmother smiles and looks between Fleabag and Arsehole Guy.
(smiling)
I mean, almost … too good-looking!
He’s chuffed. Fleabag gets the jibe.
Godmother puts her hand on Dad’s hand and smiles.
Excuse me. I’ve got to do that old human thing.
He gets up and walks out charmingly.
How’s the exhibition going?
Ah yes … I er … wanted to talk to you about that.
Arsehole Guy reappears.
(joking)
Talking about me?
They all laugh and react. ‘All good things,’ ‘Hey!’ ‘As you were.’ He goes.
They go silent.
He then appears again.
And again!
They all react and laugh again and he goes.
Have you found a venue?
What exhibition?
Thank you so much for asking. We have actually found a—
There are some elements of the work that I wanted to talk to you about …
Dad looks nervous.
It’s a sexhibition. But don’t panic! It’s nothing scary. It’s simply a journey through my physical and sexual life climaxing in a few pieces inspired by and moulded on your father.
Dad takes a mouthful and nods optimistically at the horrified girls.
And there are photos – I’ve taken a photo of my naked body every year for the past thirty years.
Why?
Well, I think it’s important for women of all ages to see how my body has changed over the years. I think they have to have a healthy perspective – on my body.
(to Dad)
Don’t they?
Oh absolutely.
I don’t have to tell you that your father is a deeply sexual man.
She takes his hand.
No, you don’t.
Just did.
(to camera)
Knew it.
I’m very lucky. I will be touched until the day I die. And so will you, Claire. It’s really all that humans want. Is to be loved. And to be touched.
This hits Fleabag.
The same flashback as in the previous episode. A woman’s hands unbuckling a guy’s trousers.
Back with Fleabag. Shaken.
The cat meows, trying to escape out of the window.
Tell Dad about your promotion Claire.
There’s nothing to tell.
What promotion?
Finland.
Oh. Odd place.
Any news?
No.
She got it.
(clapping)
Oooooooooo!
Fuck’s sake.
Congratulations Claire!
Thank you!
Clever girl.
Can we not.
It’s so exciting!
She’s turning it down.
Pause.
Why?
Why?
Why, why not, why Claire?
Claire, are you pregnant?
Why aren’t you getting on a plane to your cold, rich future?
Godmother and Dad protest more.
Because YOU CAN’T JUST FUCK OFF ON AEROPLANES AND LEAVE YOUR WEIRD STEPSON AND BROKEN SISTER TO FEND FOR THEMSELVES Ok.
Beat. Claire is emotional. She holds it down.
Fleabag drinks some wine.
Excuse me.
She gets up and walks to the door.
Fleabag is in the toilet. She closes the door. She sits with her head in her hands.
Fleabag walks into her bedroom. Boo follows.
She’s your sister. It’s your job to annoy her.
No I’m just so annoyed with myself. I just wish I could meet myself and just have a go at myself.
Boo takes Fleabag’s coat, scarf and hat. She leaves the room.
Beat.
She comes back in wearing all of it. Fleabag smiles.
Do your worst.
Boo suddenly goes badass.
COME ON BITCH!
(going for it)
You don’t take yourself seriously.
Oooo pussy.
You need to reach out to your family. You need to stop provoking your sister, just grow up. YOU DO NOT TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY AS A BUSINESSWOMAN. YOU NEED TO PAY YOUR FUCKING BILLS. YOU NEED TO BE NICER TO HILARY. YOU NEED TO GET A NEW HAT.
Is that better?
Yeah that’s better.
Fleabag still sitting there. She hears a scratch on the door. She opens it.
The cat is there.
She lets it in and picks it up.
She stands, opens the window, puts the cat out of the toilet window and closes it.
Ok. Off you go.
Pudding is on the table.
Godmother is pouring Arsehole Guy some wine.
The artwork in this house is stunning. Who is it?
If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?
(charming as hell)
It’s not your work!
Will you come?
It would be an honour.
Beat.
(to Fleabag)
How’s your little restaurant?
It’s a café.
Oh don’t do it a disservice.
I’m not. It’s a café.
Oh. Sorry.
It’s fine. It’s fine.
Your father tells me you’re struggling.
I - I think we all are!
Oh well yes. But I – now there is only one of you – God, I can’t imagine what you have been through.
Sorry have I missed something?
Well – her dear little friend died and left her to run the café on her own.
Jesus.
God that is truly awful. How did she die?
Oh she killed herself–
It was an accident.
Beat.
Well. Maybe it’s time to let the little restaurant go. Give it up. Sell it. Have a little holiday.
Fleabag and Boo are drinking and smoking in the café.
We did this.
Mhm. And whatever happens, we never let it go. Ok?
Back in the dining room.
Excuse me.
She exits.
Fleabag is back smoking in the toilet. She blows the cigarette smoke into the room.
Fleabag is getting her coat. Godmother is coming down the stairs.
Have you seen Felicity?
Oh no, sorry.
Gosh, all sorts of things go missing in this house, don’t they!
(smiles)
Big house.
Yes. Lovely house.
(beat)
Oh the sculpture turned up.
Did it?!
Yes … Must have just toppled off the side.
Well if you rid a woman of a head and limbs you can’t expect her to do anything other than … roll around.
Beat. Godmother laughs and looks at Fleabag and smiles.
What?
(with a gentle curiosity)
Oh … Your father and I often say, when you’ve had a few drinks you’re so like your mother.
Beat.
Fleabag pushes Godmother hard. Godmother is knocked backwards into the coats but regains her balance and slaps Fleabag right across the cheek.
They are both shocked.
Fleabag takes a deep breath.
They realise Dad is watching, terrified.
(sweetly)
Oh whoops. Look at these.
She starts picking up the coats that have dropped on the floor.
Claire comes down the stairs.
So, the party’s moved to the hallway, always a good sign.
Does anyone mind if I leave? I’ve got a dicky tummy.
So swift.
She takes her coat off Godmother.
Thanks.
(to Dad)
I’m not going to kiss you because I’m probably very ill.
(to Fleabag)
You too. Come on.
Goodbye then … my … my daughters.
Goodbye.
Fleabag and Claire exit the house. Godmother and Dad follow out after them and stand on the steps.
What a lovely occasion!
Yeah. See you at the sexhibition.
Ugh – there’s absolutely no need to—
(simultaneously)
Y-yes lovely …
No no. I’ll definitely be there. I will definitely be there.
Godmother and Dad stand as a couple in the door.
Arsehole Guy squeezes out from behind them holding two helmets.
Hold up! Were you trying to keep me overnight?!
Godmother laughs.
Very good-looking! I might never see you again but you’re very good-looking!
Yes, yes, very good-looking!
Everyone is waving now, even though they aren’t moving and are right by the door.
They close the door. Claire, Arsehole Guy and Fleabag walk down the path and onto the street.
Thanks, I owe you.
No I owe you. It’s been really nice to spend a day with a normal family. I actually feel quite emotional. Will you stay with me tonight?
Sure.
I’m going to go warm up the bike. Lovely to meet you Claire.
You too …
He walks out of earshot.
Um – what’s his–
Fucked me up the arse.
Oh that –
Yeah.
I totally see that now.
Beat.
I’m sorry I was uh—
Listen to me. I’m going to leave Martin. I’m going to give you the money for the café. And I’m going to go to fucking Finland.
Fleabag smiles.
Ok.
Oh and –
She pulls out the statue from her bag and hands it to Fleabag, who is stunned.
That is the coolest thing you’ve ever done.
I know.
Thanks Claire.
Shall we …?
We can try.
They tentatively hug. It’s awkward at first but then they relax.
I’ll see you at the sexhibition.
Yeah.
Claire walks away. Fleabag gets onto the back of Arsehole Guy’s motorbike, who’s waiting for her.
As they drive off Fleabag spots Felicity the cat climb through a fence and walk on the street, free. A new queen of London.
Fleabag looks at the camera and the bike drives off.