Originally, this book was meant to be a memoir written by every member of our family—Erica and Alex, Cathy and me—in alternating voices. But as we actually tackled the writing, it became clear where the tension in our family story lay: between Alex and me. Cathy and Erica have always been loving, supportive, without judgement and totally invested in our well-being, whereas the hurdles Alex and I had to overcome to reach that point seemed larger and potentially more meaningful to explore for the readers we hoped to reach. So we started over, probing deep into our relationship as father and son, our self-worth as men, and how we both (at very different ages) had to move beyond fear to claim ourselves and each other.
We didn’t make that radical change in direction alone. There has been someone else instrumental to this book whose name is not on the cover. Someone who guided the narrative, who helped us probe our memories and feelings, who edited our words, wrote what we could not get down: Kate Fillion. With the two of us writing in isolation, we needed her enormous talent to ensure our stories came together to create a whole. She conducted hundreds of hours of interviews to draw out our life experiences, gently challenged us, and tested the accuracy of the facts and our memories. At all times we felt safe in her hands and certain that without her help we would be lost in the story.
I first met Kate when she was booked on Good Morning America to discuss her first, bestselling book, Lip Service. I’d been told she lived in Canada, although she was born in the United States. I always made a point of meeting guests from Canada ahead of the broadcast, so I introduced myself to Kate who was sitting in the makeup chair at the time, looking pretty tense. We chatted for a bit and, as I remember it, I told her the interview would be over quickly and not to worry too much. Apparently that pep talk made an impression on her because seventeen years later when our publisher suggested to Kate she might want to help us with this project, she agreed. I was excited because I also admired Kate’s work as an accomplished magazine and newspaper writer. I had produced a few short print columns in my life, but a book—especially such a personal one? Having Kate to lean on helped steady me. Alex and I have learned so much working alongside a writer of Kate’s skill; both of us believe our collaboration with Kate has been among the most fulfilling and creative of our careers.
We’re also grateful for the supportive and exemplary team at Random House Canada, who kept our confidence afloat through the twists and turns our story has taken. From the outset our publisher and editor, Anne Collins, believed in the conversation we were hoping to help build between fathers and their gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered children. She and her team instantly understood that this is the parenting and civil rights issue of our time, and that our story had social significance. When I shared with her that gay and lesbian children were much more likely than straight kids to attempt suicide because of the emotional challenges of the coming-out process, and that a father’s acceptance was found to be key to saving them from that fate, Anne paused, let those facts sink in, and from that moment on was devoted to helping us tell the story. We’re also grateful for associate editor Amanda Lewis’s efforts to develop the story and create the book you hold in your hands.
Alex would like to acknowledge and thank QMUNITY Gab Youth in Vancouver, the organization which supported him in those tentative and overwhelming first months after coming out. I’d like to thank my agent, Michael Levine, who has cared for and helped shape so much of my career in Canada. And we would both like to thank you for being interested enough in what we’ve experienced, and had to say about it, to have read right to the very end.
Kevin and Alex Newman