Taiwo
I am engaged in an awkward game of ‘knock knee’ that I didn’t sign up for. Opposite me: a Spread Eagle showing no sign of flight. I am burdened with far reaching knees badly designed for public transport. He is burdened with bold and bad manners. The carriage is full, the day has been long. Spread Eagle is trying to create an obtuse angle where his legs meet at the crotch. It’s a party of one and I’m party to the party. Our knees knock once, twice, three times. ‘Sorry,’ I mutter on each occasion. Spread Eagle stays silent. And now – a mild form of rubbing? I question the boldness of man as I look away.
#TfLChronicles #thestruggleisreal
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Comments:
Sol Sai: Sorry for what?! Spread Eagle is a waste man!! Don’t worry sis, chivalry lives – ask Sienna Bannerman! Haha. Be good to see you soon x
Sienna Bannerman: Sol Sai Awww bub. Chivalry is alive and well. How lucky am I?!! x Stella, we would LOVE to see you!!! Let’s make it happen <3 x
It takes six goes before I understand the source of Taiwo’s income.
Date One.
‘I’m an oz-o-lah.’
‘A what?’
‘An oz-o-lah.’
‘I’m sorry, a—’
‘An oz-o-lah, an oz-o-lah.’
‘An-us-solar?’
He manages his frustration with a wide smile. His lips are covered in Vaseline. I wonder why I swiped right. Unnaturally shiny and countered in texture by white crust at the corners. He chews his Beef Lo Mein loudly. The sound effects. I gag.
‘A HUSTLER?!’ Jesus Christ. Is this guy for real?!
Taiwo is delighted. The white crust cracks and becomes powder-like. ‘Abuja-Code’ Level One – completed. Anti-climax is an understatement. He confuses my understanding for encouragement. Taiwo used to work in IT but realised that he could make a lot more money working for himself as an ‘independent trader’. He wants to be his own boss. Taiwo spends his days trading unspecified ‘commodities’ on the stock market. He wants to retire by the time he is forty. I’m pretty sure Taiwo is pushing forty-seven. He laughs, a hearty laugh. The laugh of a Nigerian man who enjoys ogbono soup and suya kebab. The laugh of a man looking for a wife who knows how to cook. I am out of the running.
Taiwo has adopted the grooming style of his Muslim friends. A shaved head and imitation prayer beads hang from his neck. A lustrous and full-bodied black beard bobs up and down when he laughs. It shares the same glistening properties as his lips. Nothing unique about his interpretation of smart-casual. A navy blazer meets blue shirt and jeans. Taiwo is of the no-socks-brown-suede-loafer brigade. He wears a watch which purports to show the time in London, New York and Tokyo. It is extravagant at best, ostentatious at worst. Taiwo has lived in London for six years now. He schooled in Abuja, boarding school. One of five siblings. A twin, the firstborn. That is the meaning of ‘Taiwo’.
Have I ever been to Nigeria? No. He can take me. A weekend in Victoria Island. I will love it, he promises. I should ask a question.
‘Have you seen Louis Theroux’s Law and Disorder in Lagos? The bit when the army general shouts, “Shut up, don’t be stupid!” at his neon-shirted army brigade?’
I laugh, for the first time. I am laughing alone. Taiwo hasn’t seen Law and Disorder in Lagos and he hasn’t heard of ‘Lou-wee Faru’. Do I like Nollywood movies? Negative. I try to understand why Taiwo speaks with an American accent. He has friends in the States, Atlanta. He is going to celebrate his ‘fortieth’ birthday there but is yet to visit. I wish his offer to take me with him would distract me from scanning work emails on my phone, to which, I inform him, urgent responses are required.
I spend the remainder of our date examining the tension between the fifth and sixth buttons of his shirt. I will the fifth one to pop and for the button to go flying across Modern China. I don’t motion for my bag, purse or phone when the bill comes. Not least because I have spent an hour and a half, now permanently lost from my life, analysing Taiwo’s ability to speak and swallow at the same time.
‘Please, allow me!’ His volume is theatrical and unnecessary.
‘That’s very kind, thank you.’
Taiwo would like to call an Uber for me. He is opening up the app. I am running for my train and away from online dating.