At Walmart the next day, Ryan held up two diaper bags. “Take your pick, Anna Banana.”
Resting against the handle of the shopping cart, she touched her finger to her chin. “I like the black polka-dot one. Très chic.”
He tossed it into the growing pile of purchases. Stunned at the amount of stuff babies required.
She frowned. “Are you keeping a tally against how much your mom gave you?”
He reached for a Diaper Genie on a nearby shelf. “Don’t worry about it.” He loaded the large box into the cart.
“That’s too expensive. Ryan...” She tapped her foot on the store linoleum. “Are you listening to me?”
Somebody ought to tell her how cute she looked aggravated and pregnant. Somebody. Not him. He was leaving in a few weeks. And he preferred not to dwell on that moment last night when she’d looked at him.
Ryan lifted something labeled a onesie. “How about this?”
She gave him one of her best teacher looks.
“You realize since I’m a teacher myself, those looks bounce right off me.”
She arched her eyebrow and grinned.
In a mild state of shock, he realized it was the first time he’d self-identified as a teacher. Not a research scientist.
To be on the safe side—and to give himself time to recover—he tossed in two onesies.
“You’re going to buy everything, aren’t you?” She blew out a long, slow trickle of air between those beautiful, plum-tinted lips of hers. “No matter if I protest or not.”
He grabbed a package of pacifiers. “I’m enjoying myself.”
She tilted her head. “Of course, there’s one thing I haven’t figured out about you.”
He smirked. “I’m amazed there’s only one thing.”
Anna leaned her elbows on the cart. “I haven’t figured out why you’ve never asked.”
Slam-dunking the pacifiers into the cart, he reached for a set of bibs. “Asked what?”
“The baby’s gender.”
His pulse zipped. “Didn’t figure it mattered. Didn’t realize you knew.” He studied the directions on a baby monitor as if his life depended on it.
“Do you want to know?”
Ryan’s heart hammered. Yes, he wanted to know the identity of the little person to whom he was becoming too attached.
He took a ragged breath. No, he didn’t want to know any more than he already did about this child, who’d somehow claimed a piece of his heart before ever being born.
“Ryan?”
He looked at her then. “What are you having, Anna?”
“A girl. Her name is Ruby. After Mateo’s grandmother.”
He gulped past the lump in his throat. “Ruby Reyes will be as beautiful as her mom.”
Anna blushed. “I’ll meet her in less than a month.”
But not him. He still planned to leave right after Christmas.
He picked up a lullaby CD. “Better get this, too. For when Ruby’s favorite baritone isn’t around.”
For a moment, Anna looked exactly the way he felt lately every time he pictured his leave-taking. She took the CD from him and turned away.
“What about a bassinet, Anna?”
Her shoulders tensed. “I’ll save my money for a crib. Charlie and Evy can help me pick one out later.”
Ryan didn’t want Charlie and Evy to pick out Ruby’s crib. Ruby... He gritted his teeth. Exactly why he hadn’t asked before.
Now he had a name to put to the little face he’d be missing when he was alone in the condo in North Carolina. But he wanted Ruby to have something from him. Otherwise, there’d be nothing to remind Ruby of the man who once—
Steeling himself against the rush of emotion, he pointed the cart toward the checkout counter. Good thing he’d already started a special project for Ruby.
“You ever going to decorate that sad excuse for a Christmas tree, Anna Banana?”
Anna’s brown eyes narrowed as if sensing something amiss. She’d always been able to read him. “You up for some tree trimming soon?”
He got in the checkout line. “Just say the word. I can trim with the best of ’em. Trim like nobody’s business.”
She emptied the cart of the smaller items. “Want to ride to church later for the costume fitting?”
The cashier ran the items through the scanner. Keeping an eye on the digital display, he lifted the heavier items for the cashier to scan. “I can’t this afternoon.”
“Both of us need to be fitted—”
“The advantage of having a sister with a costume design degree is that she can do the fitting in the privacy of our home. And I have other plans.”
“Other plans?” Anna’s voice quieted. “Oh.”
He loaded the baby stuff into his car. Climbing into the passenger seat, her mouth thinned. She glared at him when she caught him checking out the dashboard clock for the fourth time. His other plans involved the secret project he was working on for Ruby.
Ryan refused her offer to help unload the trunk. “It’ll be quicker if I do it myself.”
Lifting her chin, she held the door for him. With quick efficiency, he stacked the purchases in a spare bedroom.
He wiped his hands against his jeans. “That about does it.”
“Well, then.” She made a sweeping gesture. “Don’t let me keep you from your other plans.”
He paused at the front door. “Are you feeling okay, Anna?”
She bared her teeth. “Never better.”
His eyebrows rose. Must be pregnancy hormones.
Not for the first time, he was thankful to be a guy.
Ryan drove home. Later in the woodworking shop behind the barn, he became so engrossed in his project—
“What’s that?”
Jolting, he grabbed his chest. “Give a guy a warning next time, Tess.”
“Is that a—? Oh, Ryan. It’s gorgeous.”
Ryan pulled a drop cloth to hide the evidence. “Were you needing something, sis?”
Tessa’s large, doe eyes reminded him of Anna. “I can drop off the manger you made when I head to church for the costume fitting.”
He scrubbed his jaw. “Thanks. Let me carry it out for you.”
Ryan steered Tessa to the opposite side of the shed, where he’d stored the rough-hewn manger. He hadn’t expected anyone to walk into his private domain. Since Dad died, the shop had become a place to work with his hands.
Cutting. Drilling. Sanding. Amid the aromatic scents of fresh-cut lumber, a place to quiet his thoughts. A place to pray about the yearnings of his heart. Which, until recently, he’d believed fulfilled when he accepted the new research job.
Now he wasn’t so sure. Contentment with his leave-taking was not the primary emotion he was feeling. He lifted the feeding trough in his arms.
Outside the barn, sunlight shimmered off Tessa’s brown curls. She surged ahead to her blue Camry. “Ethan’s got the hay bale in the trunk. I hope the manger will fit on the seat.”
He shifted the weight in his arms. “Maybe I should go with you and put this in the gazebo.”
She flexed her biceps. “Farm Girl has this under control.”
He regretted what family responsibilities had cost his youngest sister. As the oldest, he should’ve done something to make sure she didn’t have to give up her dreams, too. Never one to complain, Tessa had given up her plans to work on a Broadway production.
“I’ll miss you, Tess.” But for the first time, he acknowledged to himself that what he was giving up might be more than he’d gain.
Perennially bubbly, her mouth drooped. “Are you sure this job is what you really want?”
He dropped his gaze. “I’ve been working toward this goal ever since I returned home.”
“It’s okay for dreams to change, though. If that’s what you want.”
He placed the manger on the seat. “Who said my dream has changed?”
“Then what’s with the cradle?” She motioned toward the shop. “And if you’re leaving, do you think it’s wise to spend so much time with Anna?”
His little sister was giving him life advice? “I don’t expect you to understand, Tess. It’s just something I have to do. To be there for her as a friend.”
“But is friendship all you’re feeling for her?” Tessa folded her arms. “Are you being honest with yourself? I want you to be happy, Ryan.”
Ryan closed the door with a soft click. “I am happy, Tess. Ecstatic at the thought of a brand-new life.”
His brand-new, lonely life. He winced. Maybe he wasn’t as excited as he’d been a month ago.
She circled to the driver side. “I just don’t want you to deny yourself the possibility of more.”
He shuffled his feet. “Anna has made it clear that we’re friends. Nothing more. And I’m fine with that.”
“Are you sure?” Tessa looked at him across the car roof. “We love you, Ryan. You sacrificed so much to keep Dad’s dream alive. We just want to make sure you don’t lose yours.”
“I am sure.” His voice clogged. “And the family’s support means more than you could ever know.”
* * *
“I’m going to have to ask you—again—to hold still.” The words were as sharp as the pins in Tessa Savage’s mouth.
Startled, Anna glanced downward.
On her hands and knees in the fellowship hall of the church, Tessa secured the hemline with a couple of pins. She made a circling motion with her hand. Her arms at right angles, Anna did a half-turn rotation on the small dais.
A frown marred the usually untroubled serenity of Ryan’s youngest sister. Tessa had been about Oscar’s age when Anna left for college.
“I look that bad, huh?”
Tessa rose. “I’ve made the necessary adjustments so the loose-fitting style accommodates the wide load of your extra bulk.”
Anna blinked. Wide load? Bulk? That stung sharper than any of the steel pins stuck into the pincushion strapped to Tessa’s wrist.
“Is something wrong, Tess?”
Tessa smoothed a fold in the simple muslin shift. Reaching over, she draped the ends of the azure blue veil over Anna’s shoulders. “With your olive skin tone and eyes, you look like you could be the mother of Jesus.”
“Great. As long as I don’t have to do anything but sit. Speaking of sitting?” She took a wobbly step off the platform.
Tessa steadied her arm.
“What’s wrong?” Anna squeezed her hand. “If there’s anything—”
“Please don’t hurt my brother.” She clung to Anna. “He’s so confused right now.”
“What’re you talking about?” Anna placed her hand atop her belly. “Ryan is the one leaving me.”
Tessa’s eyes widened.
Anna’s heart pounded. “I mean...”
He wasn’t leaving her. That implied a relationship far more than friendship. Ryan was leaving many things—teaching, the kids, the farm, his friends and family. But he was most certainly, most definitely not leaving her. Right?
Tessa gripped her arm. “If that’s how you really feel, you should tell him.”
“It doesn’t matter what I feel.” Anna frowned. “I won’t be the one to stand between Ryan and his dream, Tess. It has to be his choice.”
Tessa’s eyes welled. “Please don’t tell Ryan I said anything. I’m just afraid he’s making a mistake in leaving.”
She took Tessa’s hand in hers. “He’s your brother. I’d do the same if I was afraid for Ben or Will.” She sank onto the cushioned stool. “But it’s complicated. Both of us have experienced loss.”
“Both of you are scared.” Tessa raised her chin. “But Ryan comes alive with those students, and since you’ve been home I’ve never seen him so happy.”
Anna took a shuddering breath. Tessa hit too close to a truth she wasn’t ready to examine. “The baby has to be my first priority. And Ryan has to decide what he wants for himself.”
“Are you sure you’re okay to drive home?” Tessa gnawed her lower lip. “I’m supposed to fit the shepherds next, but...”
“I’m fine.” She waved Tessa away. “Go ahead.”
After changing her clothes, Anna exited the church. Across the square, a customer emerged from the florist shop. Giving in to an urge she’d not been able to quell since meeting Kristina at the garden center, she crossed the street to admire the display window.
Kristina Collier had re-created the fishing hamlet of Kiptohanock in miniature. But unlike the real-time version of the coastal town, she’d daubed the buildings and square in fake snow.
Lights glowed through tiny stained glass windows at the church. And wee lanterns illuminated the green. Diminutive wreaths decked the doors of the model library, cafe and florist shop. Minuscule fire engines rested in the open bay of the station. Small Coast Guard and American flags hung outside the pint-size boat station.
Anna glanced up as the bell to the florist shop jingled. The door opened and closed behind Kristina with a whoosh. Kristina touched her fingertip to the window. “Beyond the edge of the square, if you use your imagination, you can almost see the Pruitt house.”
In the glass reflection, Anna’s gaze darted to the blonde florist.
She adjusted the strap of her purse on her shoulder. “Wishful thinking or do you know something the forecasters don’t?”
Kristina wrapped the long ends of her taupe cardigan around herself. “If nothing else, one can dream.” Her smile was bright. “How’s motherhood treating you, Anna?”
“Dreams are a funny thing... Having the baby is more wonderful than I could ever imagine. Yet there are consequences I hadn’t envisioned when I embarked on this journey to carry Mateo’s baby.” Anna gulped. “Alone.”
“Is there something I can do for you, Anna? And I’m not talking about flowers.”
Anna bit her lip. “How long were you a widow before you found love again?”
Kristina’s eyes met hers in the mirrored reflection. “Or do you mean, how long before I allowed myself to love again?”
Anna sighed. “That, too.”
“Canyon says he loved me almost immediately. But I was consumed with keeping Pax’s memory alive. And single-parenting my son.”
Anna chewed on her bottom lip. Spending time with Ryan again after so many years, she’d never imagined the feelings he’d awaken inside her.
Kristina placed a gentle hand on her own butterball-size stomach. A primal gesture. “I’m guessing you can understand better than most how I felt, Anna. Lonely yet determined to protect my heart.”
Anna closed her eyes, shutting out the present. Replaying the final Christmas she shared with Mateo. And the next Christmas after his death when she discovered the IVF treatment had failed again.
She’d been so focused on conceiving and then so grateful for her baby, she never envisioned anything more in her life.
“Military widows go through the fire, Anna. And no one comes through a fire unscathed.” Kristina’s voice quavered. “Only when I nearly lost Canyon to an actual forest fire did I realize life is for the living. For my child’s sake—but mostly for my own—I had to embrace the beautiful gift God was giving me in Canyon’s love.”
Anna shook her head. “I’m stuck between what was and what may never be.”
“I’ll always love Pax.” A faraway look entered Kristina’s eyes. “But I love Canyon, too. And if you truly want to embrace a new life, you have to let go of the past.”
Anna threw out her hands. “I don’t deserve a new life. It’s my fault Ruby will never know her father.”
Kristina touched Anna’s shoulder. “Why do you think it’s your fault?”
“It’s my fault Mateo never held a child in his arms.” Tears streamed down Anna’s cheeks. “We had so little time together. I told him we were perfect the way we were. I didn’t want to be a military mom.”
“That’s nothing to be ashamed of, Anna. It’s a tremendous responsibility, which isn’t right for every woman.”
Anna’s gaze skimmed over the green. “I told him we didn’t need anyone else.”
Kristina took Anna’s hand. “You didn’t know what was coming. You were following your instincts about what was right for you at the time.”
“What about what was right for Mateo?” Anna raised her tearstained face. “Every time he mentioned having a baby, I put him off.”
Kristina pressed her hand. “You need to forgive yourself, Anna. Give yourself a break.”
Anna swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand. “I thought we had plenty of time.”
“I don’t believe he’d want you to spend the rest of your life alone. He’d want you and the baby to have the fullest life possible. To savor every gift the Lord has for you.”
“But I don’t deserve a second chance, not after I caused Mateo to lose his.”
“Don’t make this child your penance, Anna. Choosing aloneness for the wrong reason only dishonors who he was and what you were to each other.”
She pinched her lips together. “I hadn’t considered it that way before.”
“Do you believe in God, Anna?”
Her eyes flicked to Kristina. “Yes, I do.”
“Then believe He’s always been in control. That He is in control now. No matter our mistakes—what we did or didn’t do—He can make everything work for good.”
Did she believe God was in control when Mateo died? Or during the pain of infertility? Was He working things out for her even now?
Certainty gripped Anna. He’d brought her home to Kiptohanock, hadn’t He? She scanned the village. Places familiar and dear to her.
Although she didn’t understand the whys of her life, she recognized God had everything under control. And somehow—she didn’t know the how yet—God would work everything for her and Ruby’s ultimate good.
“It’s k-kind of a lot to take in.” Anna’s voice wobbled.
Kristina hugged her. “God is like that. Bigger than we can imagine. Far more than we can comprehend.” She stepped back. “But His ways are always for His children.”
A woman headed toward the florist shop.
“Looks like you have another customer.” Anna breathed deeply of the briny, seaside air. “Thanks for everything.”
Kristina smiled. “See you at the cookie swap next weekend?”
“Do I look like I need cookies?” She patted her abdomen. “But I’ll be there. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
As for Ryan? How did her changing feelings for him fit into what God was doing? Or was she on the brink of another mistake? Was their relationship a disaster in the making?