Chapter Ten

Snuffles

‘You are the most reckless intergalactic bin man in the universe!’ shrieked Gizmo, launching himself at Scrummage.

But Harvey had dealt with a lot of hot tempers on the football pitch. He quickly stepped in and pushed them apart. ‘Gentlemen, please! There’ll be no fighting on my team  …  er, I mean, crew. Officer Scrummage, is there something dangerous in there? Yes or no? And I’m not asking you – I’m ordering you to tell me!’

Scrummage was taken aback by Harvey’s tone. ‘Um  …  er  … ’ he muttered. ‘There might be  …  just a bit  … ’

‘Oh, good grief!’ said Gizmo, rolling his bright turquoise eyes and running his hand through his short multicoloured hair.

Yargal burst into tears, slimy stringy ones that dangled from her face like hot mozzarella off a pizza.

‘Get Snuffles!’ said Maxie to Scrummage, who went off sheepishly.

(Again – and I don’t want to treat you like an idiot – since you’re from Earth I should probably explain that Snuffles is a Hazard Hunting Hound from the planet Canine Major. He sniffs out dangerous garbage.

Snuffles is enormous: as big as a pony. He has a huge pink nose like a large, raw meatball and so many razor-sharp teeth he literally can’t close his mouth. He’s terrifying.

Especially when he’s slipped his lead and is hurtling down a corridor towards you, teeth bared, feet scrabbling on the metal floor, drooling saliva and looking like he’ll tear you limb-from-limb.)

‘Aaaaaaaaargh!’ cried Harvey flinging his arms up to protect his head as the huge hound leapt at his face  … 

 …  and then slobbered all over him.

‘Don’t eat the captain!’ laughed Maxie.

‘Down, Snuffles!’ said Yargal firmly.

‘Sorry, Captain,’ panted Scrummage, running up and putting the lead back on. ‘Snuffles, SIT!’

Much to Harvey’s amazement, Snuffles sat.

Warily, he reached out to pat the hound on the head. Snuffles licked him.

‘He likes you!’ said Yargal.

‘Well, he likes the taste of you,’ said Maxie darkly.

Harvey ignored her. She was just trying to scare him. He liked dogs. Even ridiculously huge ones with more teeth than the average Great White shark. He scratched the dog under the chin and Snuffles grinned and slobbered happily.

Gobsmacking bravery

‘Right, I can’t hold Snuffles and deal with the garbage at the same time, so who’s coming with me?’ said Scrummage.

Harvey didn’t think there was much point in him offering since he didn’t have a clue what to do. He looked at the crew, one after another.

‘Not me,’ said Gizmo. ‘I’m the Senior Engineering Officer – I don’t deal with the garbage. That’s a job for bin men.’

Scrummage glared at him.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Yargal, waggling her tentacles, ‘but the safety kit doesn’t fit me.’

‘I’m the only one who can fly the ship,’ said Maxie. ‘You’re on your own, Scrummage.’ And she shoved the safety helmet back at him.

He took it. ‘Wimps! You’re just scared of the maggots.’

‘I’ll help,’ said Harvey, taking hold of the hound’s lead. ‘I’m not scared of a few maggots.’

The crew were gobsmacked. Never, in all their multiple intergalactic missions, had anyone volunteered – actually volunteered – to do something dangerous. Come to think of it, never, in all their multiple intergalactic missions, had anyone volunteered – actually volunteered – to do anything at all.

‘You’re not serious?’ said Maxie. ‘You’re the captain! Why don’t you just make Gizmo go?’

Gizmo gasped and gave her a filthy look.

‘Because you can’t ask someone to do something you won’t do yourself,’ replied Harvey coolly.

‘Vomiting spaceworms! You really are braver than you look!’ said Scrummage, regarding Harvey with a great deal of respect. Anyone can look brave, but not everyone can be brave. Even Scrummage had to admit that.

‘Oh, well done, Captain!’ said Gizmo, shaking Harvey’s hand.

Safety first

‘Be careful,’ said Yargal, giving him a soggy squeeze. While Scrummage pulled on his safety gear, Maxie rummaged around in the storage unit. She hauled out a screwed-up, crumpled pair of green-and-yellow overalls and handed them to Harvey together with one of the orange safety helmets and a pair of purple gloves.

(You’ve probably noticed that people from Zeryx Minor like bright colours. They also have no sense of style.)

‘Put these on,’ said Maxie to Harvey. ‘Of course, if the garbage does explode they won’t stop you from being blown into thousands of little pieces so small we’ll have to scoop you up with a teaspoon. But at least they’ll keep the maggots out. Good luck,’ she added and gave him a small, quick smile.

‘Thank you,’ said Harvey, smiling back bravely.

Gizmo punched the security code into the door keypad lock, and the corridor was filled with the horrible screeching, grating sound of rusty metal on metal as the jagged teeth of the giant doors began to judder and scrape open.

Harvey zipped his gloves on, wondering why everyone was so worried about a few maggots  … 

As soon as he stepped into the cargo hold he found out.

SPLATTER, SPLAT, FLICKER, SPLAT!

‘OH, YUCK!’ gasped Harvey.

‘Flickering puke!’ cried Scrummage.

It was raining maggots.

Hundreds of tiny, pink poisonous ones plastered them like rice pudding.

‘Don’t panic, we’ll hose off with anti-maggot spray later,’ said Scrummage. ‘Just don’t let them get inside your clothes.’

Curiously, not a single maggot landed on Snuffles. Possibly because they didn’t like his fur. But probably because they didn’t like his teeth.

Toxic slop!

The cargo hold of the Toxic Spew was one huge rubbish bin, but that doesn’t even begin to describe it. Quite honestly, unless you’ve actually been inside a giant wheelie bin – one that hasn’t been cleared out for months, if ever – then you’re going to struggle to grasp how unbelievably horrible it was.

The walls were stained and streaked with a disgusting assortment of slime and slop. And the floor was so tacky with gungy grime you could actually hear your boots sticking at every step. It was the most disgusting place Harvey had ever been. Frankly, it was the most disgusting place Scrummage had ever been too – and that says a lot.

After a while the maggot downpour stopped, and just the odd one or two plopped on them.

Cautiously they edged forward.

Snuffles seemed to sense the danger and, for a huge and savage-looking beast, walked amazingly carefully on his four massive fluffy paws.

‘Steady, Captain,’ said Scrummage. ‘We don’t want to trigger another explosion.’

Scraping pink maggot sludge from his helmet visor, Harvey could see a colossal pile of rotting rubbish in the centre of the floor. Half-buried underneath it lay five or six large metal barrels. They were black, and painted on their sides was a white skull and the words ‘TOXIC SLOP’. They looked well dodgy.

One of the drums had obviously exploded, splattering the cargo hold with dollops of a thick grey gloop that was steaming gently.

Scrummage took Snuffles from Harvey.

‘SNIFF, Snuffles, SNIFF!’ he commanded, and let the enormous hound loose.

Gingerly, Snuffles went over to one of the large black tubs. Harvey crossed his fingers, held his breath and hoped nothing would blow up. Suddenly the huge hound yelped a series of short, sharp barks, and promptly lay down whimpering with his paws over his eyes.

‘Oh, that’s not good,’ muttered Scrummage. ‘That’s not good at all. I hate to worry you, Captain,’ he whispered and looked around, frightened that someone might hear him. ‘But I think he may have found some  … ’

Suddenly he froze, and a look of terror shot into his eyes. ‘Oh no!’ he gasped.

‘What?’ cried Harvey. ‘What is it?’

But Scrummage had grabbed the seat of his overall trousers, and was sprinting to the doors, screaming.

Snuffles bounded after him, with Harvey not far behind.