Chapter Thirteen

Hmm, tricky

Harvey sighed. Every suggestion put someone or other in danger. He didn’t mind for himself – but putting others in jeopardy was different.

‘Computer,’ he asked. ‘What’s the least risky thing to do?’

The computer bleeped in an important way for a second or so then it said, ‘That’s a tricky question. But, if you add up the risks of:

a) getting caught, and

b) getting blown up, and

c) blowing other people up  … 

‘Then you get  …  um, quite a big problem  …  Anyhow, I reckon it’s probably best to take it to the Toxic Garbage Dump. If you use the B16 HyperspaceWay you might just get there before the cargo explodes and kills everyone on board.’

‘Right, that’s what we’ll do, and at full cosmic speed!’ ordered Harvey.

The crew exchanged embarrassed looks and then, reluctantly, Maxie spoke up.

‘Er  …  I can’t do that I’m afraid, Captain,’ she cringed. ‘We’re  …  um  …  banned from the B16 HyperspaceWay.’

‘We got caught speeding,’ said Gizmo, glaring at Scrummage.

‘Don’t look at me – it was Maxie piloting the ship.’

‘I was following orders!’

‘Not my orders!’ snorted Gizmo. ‘I told you to slow down.’ He pointed at Scrummage. ‘But someone belayed my orders.’

‘Don’t you point your finger at me,’ said Scrummage, hauling himself out his seat.

‘Officer Scrummage, SIT!’ ordered Harvey. ‘Let’s all just keep calm – and think.’

It was dead quiet, except for the sound of Snuffles slurping. He’d finished slobbering up food scraps and was now licking dried tomato sauce off the arm of the captain’s chair. At least, I hope it was tomato sauce. Best not look too closely.

After a second or so Harvey spoke. ‘There must be other ways to get to the Toxic Garbage Dump?’

‘Yes, but they’re much longer,’ said Maxie and she showed Harvey a 3D digital star map of Galaxy 43b on her monitor.

(If you’re not interested in space travel and navigation you can skip this next bit and pick it up a few lines later.)

Since you’ve never seen one, you probably can’t actually imagine a 3D digital star map. And you definitely can’t imagine how difficult it is to read one.

It shows planets, stars, meteor belts, HyperspaceWays and interstellar service stations  …  and it’s criss-crossed with hundreds of coloured lines showing different routes and flight paths. Dotted here and there, Harvey saw little red triangles that looked like pizza slices.

‘What are those?’

‘Takeaway pizza places,’ said Yargal.

Very tricky

Maxie highlighted their options on the map.

‘If we go around the Megon Meteor Belt, it would take about thirteen hours.’

‘Computer, do we have thirteen hours?’ asked Harvey.

‘No  …  BOOM! Ha ha!’ joked the computer.

‘Or we could zigzag around the Proxima Major Molten Magma Pools. That would take about nine hours.’

‘KA-BOOM!’ joked the computer again.

‘Or there’s the Greater Galaxy Orbital Route – but that’s even longer.’

‘KA-KA-KABOOM!’ said the computer. ‘You will let me know what you decide, won’t you? Only I hate goodbyes.’

‘How long have we got before the cargo is likely to explode?’ said Harvey.

‘Relax! You’ve got at least 6.5 hours!’ it said.

‘Flickering vomit!’ cried Scrummage.

‘Well, Captain?’ said Maxie. And once again, Harvey felt four faces and nine eyes staring at him. The tension was awful. It was worse than a penalty shoot-out in a cup final.

‘If I were captain  … ’ started Gizmo.

‘You’re not, so shut up!’ said Maxie. ‘At this point, Captain, the only bad choice is a late choice. We’re running out of time.’

Very, very tricky

Harvey could feel the seconds ticking away  …  and everyone waiting for him.

‘We take the HyperspaceWay,’ he said firmly.

‘But we’ll be in terrible trouble if we’re caught!’ said Gizmo.

‘Then let’s not get caught,’ said Harvey. ‘And anyhow, what’s the worst that can happen if we are?’

‘Well,’ said Maxie, ‘if the Intergalactic Traffic Police catch us they’ll fine us a vast amount of money, make us sell the Toxic Spew to pay the fine, and send us all to Glacia Minus – an icy planet blasted by blizzards and snow tornadoes that’s so cold we’d freeze to death thirty seconds before we’ve even landed.’

‘Oh, Captain,’ cried Yargal. ‘I’m too young to be blasted by blizzards and snow tornadoes and frozen to death thirty seconds before we’ve even landed!’

So am I, thought Harvey, but he grinned at the crew in a way that he hoped would inspire confidence and said, ‘So, like I said, let’s not get caught. If we don’t break the speed limit or do anything dodgy, we’ll be fine.’

‘OK, but it’s your fault if it all goes wrong.’ warned Maxie. ‘Computer, plot a course for the B16 HyperspaceWay.’

Full speed ahead

The computer made a few bleeping noises and a very hard sum appeared on the monitor. It was just showing off. Harvey decided to ignore it. ‘Ahead, full cosmic speed,’ he said.

Maxie shoved the flight joystick forward. Harvey was instantly hurled backwards as the Toxic Spew zoomed off. He thwacked his head against the metal headrest of the captain’s chair. Ow! That really hurt, he thought, but he bit his lip and didn’t show it.

Of course, zipping through space at a zillion light years an hour was pretty normal for the crew – even Snuffles.

But to Harvey it was  … 

MINDBLOWING!

(If you don’t like technical details, you might want to miss this bit too.

Yet again, since you’re from Earth, you’ve only seen spaceships in films, or on TV. So I guess you’re imagining that as the Toxic Spew went into cosmic speed, the space around it went all wibbly wobbly and then  …  whoooosh  …  it rocketed away into the distance leaving behind a pile of swirling colours.

Well, that’s exactly what happened! Except for the whoooosh. It was more of a zzzzziiiiip.)

Of course, Harvey couldn’t actually see it, because he was inside the spaceship. Which was just as well. It’s never a good idea to be outside your spaceship when it takes off at cosmic speed. The chance of catching up with it is pretty much exactly zero.

Hurtling through space at cosmic speed was beyond Harvey’s wildest dreams  …  It was  … 

AWESOME

and

BRILLIANT

and

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!

He didn’t care how tatty the ship was or how scruffy the crew were. He almost didn’t care about the Explo-Foam in the hold. Just at that minute all he could think about was that he was in command of the Toxic Spew and it was the greatest feeling in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond.

‘Steady as she goes, Pilot Officer Maxie,’ he said.

‘Aye, Captain,’ she replied. ‘We are thirty seconds from the B16 HyperspaceWay.’

Through the vast front vision screen, in the far distance, Harvey could see a line of lights in the endless starry sky, a bit like a runway  …  then more lights, but moving so fast they were all blurred. As they got nearer, Harvey saw they belonged to masses of spacecraft zooming along the HyperspaceWay.

He couldn’t imagine how Maxie was going to get the Toxic Spew onto the HyperspaceWay without crashing into anything.

Funnily enough, she didn’t  … 

They had only just zipped onto the HyperspaceWay when –

COLLISION ALERT! COLLISION ALERT!

The warning system screamed hysterically.

‘Aaaaaargh!’ screamed the crew, even more hysterically.

A massive KT90 double-decker space bus was heading straight at them!