‘Fluttering chunder!’ cried Scrummage.
‘You said we had six and a half hours!’ cried Gizmo.
‘Yes, but that was before you:
a) zigzagged the wrong way up the B16 HyperspaceWay,
b) got zapped by the most powerful NovaBlaster ray guns in the entire universe, and
c) zoomed into the back of an Intergalactic traffic police ship.
All of which shook up the Explo-Foam like ketchup in a bottle! So now you have forty-nine … no, wait … make that forty-eight minutes!’
There was a horrible silence on the bridge of the Toxic Spew.
Harvey forced his head to work clearly.
‘How far are we from the Toxic Garbage Dump?’
Maxie quickly called up the 3D star map. ‘If we don’t have any hold-ups we can get there in around forty minutes.’
‘Right, let’s go!’ said Harvey. ‘And, computer, use a calculator to plot the route and check your sums!’
I’m not sure that I can convey the mood of utter terror on the command bridge of the Toxic Spew as the minutes ticked by …
It was the longest forty minutes Harvey had ever experienced.
Maxie focused on flying the ship as steadily as possible and Harvey ordered Scrummage to calmly check the state of the Explo-Foam every minute (instead of frenziedly checking it every two seconds).
Yargal made everyone more nervous by rushing around collecting piles of emergency medical equipment, while the computer asked if anyone wanted to record any ‘famous last words’ before they died.
At last they could see, through the grimy front vision screen, the distant lights of some sort of space station up ahead.
‘That’s it!’ cried Scrummage.
‘Computer, update report,’ ordered Harvey.
‘Well, the galley fridge could do with a bit of a clean … ’ it started in a jolly tone.
‘Not funny! How long have we got?’
‘About eight minutes, give or take … probably … ’ said the computer, bleeping off in a sulk.
‘Eight minutes!’ cried Yargal.
Scrummage rapidly pressed buttons on his control desk. ‘We have to get permission to offload the cargo, and get a dumping bay number.’
Seconds later a polite digital voice said: ‘Hello, and thank you for visiting the Toxic Garbage Dump in the Dork Quadrant. What is the purpose of your visit?’
‘We-want-to-dump-a-load-of-garbage-including-six-tubs-of-Explo-Foam,’ garbled Scrummage.
There was a beat of silence and then the digital voice said, ‘Pardon?’
‘Flickering spew! We’re doomed!’
‘Steady, Officer Scrummage,’ said Harvey.
Everyone was only too aware of the time ticking away – especially since the computer kept reminding them.
‘I hate to worry you, but you’re down to six minutes … ’ it said.
‘Thank you,’ said Harvey. ‘But we don’t need a countdown.’
Scrummage repeated slowly and with great self-control: ‘We … want … to … dump … a … load … of … garbage … including … six … tubs … of … Explo-Foam.’
‘If you already have a toxic cargo dumping licence please press 1 on your keypad now,’ said the voice. ‘If not, please press 2.’
Scrummage pressed 2.
‘There is a fifteen-minute delay in issuing toxic cargo dumping licences. Please try later.’
‘For crying out loud!’ spluttered Scrummage, and he started repeatedly banging his forehead on the garbage control desk in despair.
THUD, THUD, THUD
‘Fifteen minutes? We’re all going to die!’ wailed Yargal, doing the frantic thing with her tentacles.
‘What are we going to do?’ cried Maxie, and everyone looked at Harvey.
‘Try again, Scrummage,’ said Harvey, fighting to stay calm. ‘And this time press 1.’
‘But that’s fibbing!’ gasped Yargal.
‘No, it’s tactics,’ said Harvey. ‘If we live, we’ll get a licence. If we don’t – we won’t need one.’
Scrummage did the whole thing all over again, but this time he pressed 1.
‘Please proceed to Bay 14 and dispose of your waste,’ said the digital voice. ‘Thank you for using the Toxic Garbage Dump in the Dork Quadrant and have a nice day.’
Fortunately the Toxic Garbage Dump in the Dork Quadrant is quite small so it didn’t take long to find the right docking bay.
Maxie rapidly reversed the Toxic Spew into Bay 14. Literally.
SCRUNNCH!
There was a sudden jolt as the rear rocket booster whacked into the side of the dumping bay.
Everyone gasped, except Harvey. ‘Steady as she goes, Maxie.’
‘Whoops! Careful!’ joked the computer. ‘You don’t want to blow it at the last minute – ha ha ha!’
‘Again, not funny,’ said Harvey.
‘Oh, cheer up! You might only have about three minutes to live – don’t waste them being grumpy!’ it said, with a gobsmacking lack of tact.
‘Stop counting down!’ yelled Harvey.
Maxie steadied the ship and Scrummage switched the Garbage controls to ‘unload cargo’ mode. Harvey felt the Toxic Spew judder as the enormous hatch to the cargo hold slowly peeled open.
‘Just a couple of minutes left … ’ started the computer. ‘You won’t go without saying goodbye, will you?’
‘Computer! Shut up!’ snapped Harvey.
Gizmo switched the main monitor to cargo cam and everyone held their breath as they watched the image of the huge rubbish removal jib arm shovelling the garbage slowly towards the open hatch.
It seemed to take forever.
It was deadly quiet on the bridge. It was also deadly dangerous. But finally the pile of trash reached the opening and toppled down the drop shaft and safely away from the Toxic Spew. Everyone leapt up and cheered with relief.
They’d done it!
KA-BOOM!
Or maybe they hadn’t …