Harvey lay in a crumpled heap on the floor, trying to pull himself together. He deserved a gold star for effort. I mean, he’d never plummeted onto the deck of a spaceship before, or seen aliens from the planet Zeryx Minor.
(And neither have you, of course. So I should probably explain that although Zeryx Minors look pretty much like humans – you know, they have one head, two arms, two legs, a pair of eyes and one nose [each] – they do have multicoloured hair, bright turquoise eyes and purple skin. And you don’t see many people like that on Earth, do you?)
Maxie brushed two paper cups and a pizza carton off the captain’s chair. Then, holding out her hand, she helped Harvey to his feet and onto the seat. Harvey pushed his hair off his forehead and stared around at the scruffy command bridge, and at the colourful aliens.
There was a short, fat and balding older man. What was left of his rainbow-coloured hair was tied back in a scruffy ponytail. His huge belly stretched a pair of filthy green-and-yellow overalls almost to bursting (Scrummage).
There was a younger, taller and much (much) thinner man with short multicoloured hair, a long, thin face with a beaky hooked nose. He was wearing spotless and possibly freshly ironed overalls and a snooty expression (Gizmo).
Finally there was a girl, not much older than Harvey, who wore her straight colourful hair tucked behind her ears and overalls that were at least four sizes too large for her. She’d rolled up the legs and sleeves several times (Pilot Officer Maxie).
Gizmo took control. ‘I’m Senior Engineering Officer Gizmo,’ he said. ‘Welcome aboard the Toxic Spew!’ And he stepped forward to shake Harvey’s hand.
But Scrummage pushed in front of him. ‘I’m Chief Rubbish Officer Scrummage, sir. Welcome aboard, Captain,’ he said, in an obvious attempt to suck up.
‘He’s not the captain yet, is he?’ hissed Gizmo. ‘I mean we’re not just going to give him the job, are we?’
‘Why not? Anyone’s better than you two,’ said Maxie.
Gizmo and Scrummage glared at her.
(You haven’t been to Galaxy 43b have you? So I bet you’re thinking that Harvey and the aliens are speaking the same language. They’re not. That would be ridiculous.
In outer space they use Intergalactic GarbleTranslate. Basically, anyone from any planet can understand anybody else. So in Galaxy 43b there are millions of alien beings from different worlds who can all understand each other. Of course, on your tiny little planet there are millions of human beings from different countries who can’t understand each other at all.
Now, that’s ridiculous.)
Anyhow, back on the Toxic Spew, thanks to the wonders of Intergalactic GarbleTranslate, Gizmo wanted to interview Harvey.
‘I just think we should ask him a few questions,’ whispered Gizmo. ‘To see if he’s right for the job.’ And turning to Harvey, who seemed quite small in the huge black captain’s chair, he looked down his nose and asked: ‘Could we start with your name?’
‘Harvey.’
‘Is that Captain Harvey?’ asked Scrummage.
‘Er … just Harvey.’
‘But you are a captain?’ said Maxie, hopefully.
‘Um, well I’m Captain of the Highford All Stars,’ replied Harvey, confused.
‘See!’ said Maxie. ‘He’s a captain. Let’s hire him.’
(Since you’re from Earth, you’re probably ahead of the crew here. They don’t know that ‘Highford All Stars’ is a football team. And Harvey doesn’t know that they think that ‘Highford All Stars’ is an intergalactic spaceship.
Confused? Not as much as Harvey.)
‘You’re very young for a captain,’ said Gizmo, towering over Harvey. ‘How old are you?’
‘Eleven.’
‘Eleven?!’ spluttered Scrummage. ‘Multicoloured vomit!’ He hitched his grubby overalls up over his huge belly.
Maxie was astonished. She was very young to be a pilot, even in Galaxy 43b, but this boy looked even younger than her – and already a captain! She stared at Harvey with her bright turquoise eyes. ‘How long have you been a captain?’
‘Two years.’
Counting on his fingers and frowning with the effort, Scrummage did the sums. ‘Nine!’ he gasped. ‘You made captain aged nine?’
The crew were stunned.
Harvey nodded slowly. He was beginning to wonder who these people were and, more importantly, where he was and, much more importantly, how he got here and …
‘He must be brilliant!’ said Maxie. She unclipped a digipad from the flight desk. ‘We should take him on immediately.’ She pressed some buttons and an official-looking form appeared on the screen. ‘Here,’ she said, thrusting the pad and a stylus at Harvey. ‘Sign this!’
‘Er … why?’
‘It’s a contract,’ she said. ‘Making you Captain of the Toxic Spew.’