Chapter Five

The absolute awesomeness of outer space

‘Captain of the, the Toxic, er  …  what?’ asked Harvey.

There was a short but painful silence while the crew avoided each other’s eyes.

‘Er  …  it’s the  …  er  …  Toxic Spew,’ mumbled Scrummage, embarrassed by its dreadful reputation – and equally dreadful smell. ‘I know it’s a little mucky,’ he said, hurriedly sweeping some cartons and wrappers off the flight desk with his hand, ‘but you can’t expect an intergalactic garbage ship to be all neat and tidy, can you? Ha ha!’ he added nervously.

‘An Intergalactic Garbage Ship?’ stammered Harvey. ‘This is a spaceship?’ His green eyes widened in astonishment as he looked around the command bridge.

I think you’d be surprised – no, make that ‘gobsmacked’ – if you saw the command bridge of the Toxic Spew.

(I’ve just realised, you’ve probably only seen spacecraft in the movies, haven’t you? So I bet you’re imagining a super hi-tech, squeaky-clean ship with stacks of flashy gadgets, run by a brilliant crew with smart uniforms and even smarter brains. Oh, how wrong can you be?)

The crew looked about the command bridge in dismay.

They saw:

• empty cups and cartons littering the desks

• bits of leftover pizza crust, pepperoni and pineapple chunks scattered across the floor

• broken instrument panels

• grimy surfaces

• the general tatty state of the place.

You know, it’s a funny thing, but people can look at exactly the same thing and see it totally differently.

Harvey saw:

• impressive banks of buttons, switches and joysticks

• curious and strange displays on the monitors

• huge vision screens surrounding the bridge on three sides.

And beyond all that  …  beyond his wildest dreams and fantasies  … 

SPACE!

A million stars flecked the inky blackness. Mysterious planets hung on the far horizon. A large misty, yellow one with three golden rings glowed softly, and a huge, dull-red one hung in the middle of a shimmering mass of swirling purple light. The brightest planet was a tiny pink one which shone fiercely, as if it was furious about being so small.

Outer space stretched out all around him – vast and endless and  … 

AWESOME.

He was rudely interrupted by Maxie thrusting the digipad at him.

‘Anyhow, if you’ll just sign here, Captain. It’s just for the data records.’

‘Me?’ said Harvey. ‘Er  …  I think you’ve got the wrong person.’

But the crew thought they’d found the most talented young spaceship commander in the Known Universe and they weren’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer.

Especially not Maxie.

‘What?’ she snapped, her bright turquoise eyes glittering dangerously. ‘Why did you apply for the job if you don’t want it?’

‘I didn’t!’

‘Yes, you did,’ she pointed to the SpaceMails on the ship’s monitor. ‘See?’

Harvey looked at the message he’d sent:

To: The Toxic Spew

Subject: Captain Needed

Message:

More confusion on the command bridge

‘I didn’t send that.’

‘Yes you did.’

‘But I couldn’t have. I don’t even understand it. What does it say?’

‘How should I know!’ snapped Maxie. ‘That’s your language not mine.’

‘No it’s not. I thought it was yours!’

‘Then whose language is it?’ asked Scrummage, utterly confused.

‘Computer!’ barked Gizmo suspiciously. ‘Have you scrambled up this message?’

‘Um  …  possibly  …  I might have done  …  just a little bit  …  But it’s not my fault!’ the computer added snippily, ‘If you will keep sending SpaceMails to “Anyone in the entire Known Universe, and Beyond”, I can’t be expected to get every single one perfect.’ And it bleeped off in a huff.

‘So,’ said Harvey brightly, ‘it’s all been a big mistake and  …  I think you’d just better  …  er  …  send me back  … ’

Maxie considered this for about a nano-second.

‘No,’ she said bluntly.

‘You can’t just keep me here!’ cried Harvey.

‘Oh yes we can!’ She leant back against the flight desk and crossed her arms. She reminded Harvey of the girls in his class when they were in a strop.

‘But that’s  …  that’s kidnapping!’

‘So?’

‘Pilot Officer Maxie,’ snapped Gizmo looking sternly down his nose at her. ‘May I remind you of the Intergalactic Travel and Transport Pact rules and regulations regarding replacement captains?’

Maxie looked at him blankly.

‘Basically, you can’t force anyone to be a captain if they don’t want to be. The correct thing to do is to let him go  …  and I’ll take command.’ He headed for the captain’s chair.

‘NO!’ cried Scrummage, trying to beat him to it. ‘I will.’

‘Over my dead body  … ’ said Gizmo.

‘Fine by me  … ’ growled Scrummage. He hurled the full weight of his tubby body at Gizmo and they both crashed onto the deck.

Gizmo and Scrummage slug it out (again)

‘Now look what you’ve done!’ said Maxie angrily to Harvey.

THWACK, GRAPPLE, GRAPPLE, THUD!

Scrummage and Gizmo thrashed and rolled around the deck for the second round of their no-holds-barred, fight-to-the-death ‘battle for command of the ship’.

Harvey was horrified. ‘They’re going to kill each other!’

‘Yep.’

‘Can’t you stop them?’

‘Nope.’ Maxie pressed the ship intercom button. ‘Medical Officer Yargal to the bridge, please,’ she said. ‘And bring some bandages  …  and a stun jab or two.’ Then she looked sadly at Harvey and sighed heavily. ‘I blame you.’

Suddenly the doors to the bridge slid open and Medical Officer Yargal appeared.

Harvey turned to look at her – gasped, and promptly fainted.