Chapter Forty-six

 

 

…I was her hero and she was my lady…

 

Mid October

Darcy House

 

The five cousins, Fitzwilliam, David, William, Benson, and Richard Winthrop, their mother’s nephew, had been close all of their lives. All five held a tight bond to one another and could be counted on in times of trouble. It was with that thought in mind that David decided the time had come to call upon the counsel of his cousins. Gathering together in the library, David addressed the group.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice,” David said as he retrieved a decanter of port wine and poured four glasses, handing one to each cousin.

“It sounded urgent when you called. What’s the matter? Not another problem with Pemberley, I hope.” Richard spoke for the group.

“No, it’s nothing like that, but I’ll come to the point. I’m going out of town next week, and I’m worried about Fitzwilliam. I want you to keep a close eye on him. When I come back, I’ll be here for a short time, then I’ll have to leave again, and, except for the Christmas break, I’ll be gone from November until March. Although I believe I have helped him through the worst of it, my brother still tends to drink too much, and he doesn’t need to spend time alone, especially in the evenings.”

“We’ve all heard his wife has left him and that he hasn’t taken it very well at all. What do you suggest we do?” William asked, clearly concerned.

Sipping his wine, David answered, “Have your father invite him to spend time with your family. Take him to White’s or Bilbray’s—anywhere you can think of to get him out of the house in the evenings. I don’t want him to slip into another drunken stupor. His mind has to be kept off his wife. He’s not ready to be introduced to another woman, but you might take him to a few parties, to dinner, or maybe even some clubs.”

Benson spoke next. “It surprises me that Fitzwilliam is the one of us to be so afflicted. I wouldn’t have thought the breakup of his marriage would have affected him like this. I understand being upset, but for him to fall apart really astounds me. Somehow I thought he was stronger than that.”

David looked upon his younger cousin and shook his head. “No, I’ve always known he was vulnerable. We used to have philosophical discussions late into the night about our respective feelings on marriage and life. Unlike mine, his feelings run deep, and therefore, any woman he ever fell in love with would also possess the power to wound him, which is exactly what has happened.”

David raked his hands through his thick dark curls as he turned to face the others. “We’ll be at Pemberley the week of Christmas through the New Year. I’m asking you to come if you can. We need to be together like we used to when we were boys. The Christmas season is going to be very difficult for him, and I believe it will help him. I don’t want to let him down. I’m counting on your support.”

“David, I have no firm plans for the holidays. I’ll speak with Rhonda. If she agrees, she and I will come to Pemberley. We can probably come right after Christmas. I’m sure her parents will watch the boys,” Richard offered as he walked over to the table for another glass of wine. “I’ll make it a priority to see Fitzwilliam as much as I’m able whilst you’re out of town. But William and Benson will have to fill in the gaps when I must be away myself.”

“David, don’t worry. We’ll take care of Fitzwilliam,” Benson said, reaching for the wine decanter to refill both his and Richard’s glasses.

“There are several parties we are always invited to in November and December,” William said, giving David a reassuring look. “I’ll be free, since I’m not seeing anyone at the moment. I’ll make sure he attends. I’ll also make sure that we go out as much as possible. Father would love to have Fitzwilliam ‘round. He and Mother have been very worried about him, as we all have.”

Richard looked at the others thoughtfully. “I know his wife was not believed to be pregnant, but from what I heard of their telephone interactions, she reminds me very much of Rhonda when she was pregnant with our first child. You don’t think she could have been, do you?”

“No, Richard, she’s not. I talked with Fitzwilliam about that, and he assures me it was impossible, but if she were, that would definitely complicate things,” David answered.

Richard shrugged, placing a hand on David’s shoulder for reassurance while he and the Darcy cousins continued to talk a little longer before taking their leave. David felt somewhat better leaving Fitzwilliam in the care of his cousins and thanked them all for their encouragement and support.

After seeing his cousins off, he turned and left to find his brother. …Fitzwilliam, you’ve got to conquer this. You must! And I’ve got to find Elizabeth. Where the bloody hell is she?

 

~*~

 

Several days later, Harvey decided it was time to pay his nephews a visit, so he called to make the arrangements. When he entered Darcy House, Harvey was shown to Fitzwilliam’s study where he found his nephews waiting.

“Uncle, what brings you here on such urgent sounding business? May I offer you something to drink?” Fitzwilliam asked with a quizzical look.

“I’ll have a whiskey if you have it. Brandy if you don’t.”

“Scotch it is, then.” Fitzwilliam poured three measures while they all took a seat. “Now, to what do we owe the honor of your visit?”

Harvey smiled. “Fitzwilliam, I’ve come to talk—to see how you are doing and to invite you and Georgiana to dinner next week whilst David is out of town. I also want you to drop by when you can over the Christmas holidays. Make our home your home. Susan and I would really love to see you.”

“Thank you, Uncle. I’ll speak with Georgiana and get back to you. And I’ll see about Christmas,” Fitzwilliam said with a soft sigh, “but to tell the truth, I hadn’t thought much about it. I’m not in the mood for celebrating.”

Harvey looked at his nephew thoughtfully. “Fitzwilliam, it’s not good for you to immerse yourself in work as you do or to spend time alone. Listen to me, Fitzwilliam. I do have some idea of what you are going through. You’re not the only man to have loved and lost. I know something about that, too.”

There was a long silence between the two brothers and their uncle. David was the first one to speak. “I suppose you are talking about our mother.”

“So,” Harvey said with a gentle smile, “you’ve read the journals.”

David nodded.

“What is he talking about, David?”

“Simply this,” David glanced between his uncle and his brother, “Uncle Harvey was engaged to Mother before she married Father.”

“What!”

Harvey rose from his seat and walked over to the fireplace. “It’s true, Fitzwilliam.” He hesitated for a moment. “I was once in love with your mother… and she with me.” Harvey sipped his drink as Fitzwilliam stared.

David cleared his throat. “Why don’t you tell us about it? After reading Father’s account, I’d like to hear yours.”

Harvey smiled and nodded. “I’ve been waiting for this moment. I knew it would come. Well, I told your father I would answer any questions you have.” He sighed as he returned to his seat. “What would you like to know?”

Fitzwilliam rubbed his chin and stared at his uncle. “You? You were in love with my mother and engaged to her? Well, that explains a lot,” he drawled sarcastically. “Is that why Mother and Father had a strained relationship and you and Father didn’t get along?”

For a moment, Harvey said nothing as Fitzwilliam looked on. Then, he finally spoke. “Yes, it is, but it’s a long and complicated story. Would you like for me to tell you about it?”

Shaking his head in disgust, Fitzwilliam said, “No! I don’t think I want to know the sordid details. I have enough problems of my own.”

David reached over and gently clapped his brother’s shoulder. “When you are ready, you can borrow the journals Father left me. They’re slightly different from the ones that are to be ensconced at Pemberley. These are more personal and have more details.”

Fitzwilliam cut David a sharp look, but before he could answer, his uncle interrupted. “Fitzwilliam, we need to talk about you…and your wife. It’s the main reason for my visit.”

“No—we don’t.” Fitzwilliam bore down. “I can handle my own life. There is no reason to worry about me.”

“Ah…on the contrary,” Harvey said, warmly. “I believe there is. You’re drinking far too much and burying yourself in your work. You cannot sleep at night unless you’re drunk. You’re drowning in your sorrows.”

Fitzwilliam’s eyes averted his uncle’s stare as he fidgeted with his wedding band. After several uncomfortable moments, he softly spoke. “It hurts—it really hurts. I don’t even know why she left me. Oh, I know what she said, but I still don’t understand it. I thought she loved me, but she told me that being the wife of a CEO was not what she wanted,” Fitzwilliam said, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. He took another large sip of whiskey, downing his glass.

David had come to know this as his brother’s usual habit for calming his nerves and numbing the pain. He shook his head. Looking from Fitzwilliam to his uncle, he determined now was the time for answers. “Uncle, Fitzwilliam may not be interested in yours and Father’s love triangle, but I am. Now why don’t you tell me your side of the story? I want to know the truth—all of it.”

Looking David straight in the eye, Harvey replied, “I see you come straight to the point. Well, you get that from your father. You’re very much like him in that way, but in other ways, you’re like your mother, too. You do know that she loved you, don’t you?”

“Yes, and I loved her,” David said. “We all did. Carry on.”

“Fitzwilliam,” Harvey said as he turned to his older nephew, “do you wish to hear this? If not, I can speak with your brother at a later date.”

“Oh, what the bloody hell! I might as well hear it.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what you want to know then.” Harvey halted briefly as he cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair. In a hushed tone, he began. “I met your mother at a Cambridge dance I attended with a friend. As you know, I was at Oxford whilst she was at Cambridge. Roger, that was his name, was there to see a friend of your mother’s, and I went along for moral support.” Harvey smiled, as if reliving a fond memory. “When we were introduced, I think I fell in love right there on the spot, for I was taken by your mother from the first time I laid eyes on her. We sat and talked for most of the night.” He chuckled softly. “We never even danced. That’s how taken I was with her. I was absolutely mesmerized, so before I left, I asked her out for the next weekend.

“After that first date, we were inseparable. People did not live together back then without the benefit of marriage, but we spent as much time with one another as possible. We read books together, critiquing them as we went. We listened to music. She liked the Beatles whilst I liked the Stones. I remember how happy we were. We were so very young and carefree and very much in love in those days. So, when we were in our second year, I asked Anne to be my wife, and she accepted me. That was the happiest I ever remember being. I still ache for that lost love, and yes, I know I shouldn’t.”

Releasing an exasperated sigh, he shook his head and took another sip of whiskey as he looked between the brothers. “Your mother was sensitive and charming with a sharp intellect and a keen sense of humor. We connected on such a deep level that speaking was virtually unnecessary at times. We could look at one another and tell what the other was thinking. I would start a sentence, and she would finish it. That’s how deep our connection was. I was her hero, and she was my lady. It was as if we were one.” He briefly closed his eyes. “I loved Anne very much.”

David briefly cut his eyes away. A tinge of sorrow echoed in his voice. “Yes, I recall my father writing similar words. So tell me, if you loved her so much, why didn’t you marry her?”

“Because I was a selfish fool, that’s why.” Harvey’s eyes shimmered as he sipped his drink. “By the end of our last year, I was beginning to rethink my position. I told your mother that I wanted some time to be free and enjoy a single man’s life before I married. I listened to the counsel of foolish friends and broke off our engagement. They convinced me to leave with them on an extended holiday and explore life after graduation. We partied every night, living lavishly, first in Italy, and then in the South of France. My picture appeared in the papers with women of questionable character, much like yours have, David. I’m afraid I wasn’t very circumspect. You have come by that honestly.”

David rolled his eyes. “Things run in cycles, I suppose.”

“Yes, I suppose they do at that.” Harvey nodded. “Of course, your mother saw the pictures, read the papers, and I’m sure was very hurt by it all, even though we were no longer committed to each other. George, who had met Anne through me, came along behind me, picking up the pieces. They began to date, and before long, became engaged.” He paused, fighting back obvious pain as a tear slipped from his eye. “When I found out about their engagement, I returned to England immediately, but it was too late. I begged Anne for a second chance, but she refused, telling me she would not break your father’s heart as I had broken hers. Consequently, she married George, and I was left with a misery of my own making. I suppose it was poetic justice, because I didn’t realize how much I loved her—wanted her—until I had lost her. You see, I had erroneously assumed that your mother would always be there, waiting when I decided it was time for us to marry. I never stopped loving her. I simply wanted a little freedom to experience life before marriage. That foolish mistake cost me dearly, and I lost the love of my life to my brother—your father.” Harvey turned to face his older nephew. “So you see, Fitzwilliam, I do know what it is like to have loved and lost.”

Wiping his eyes, Fitzwilliam replied, “Uncle, I do feel for you, but it’s hardly the same—”

“No, it’s not. My loss was final, but yours is not, at least, not yet. Fitzwilliam, your wife is out there somewhere. I know what separated you. It was Pemberley. I know of your arguments. And I also know how much she begged you to let her come to London and why you did not let her come.” Leaning toward his nephew, Harvey said, “You still wear your wedding ring. She still holds your heart. You still love her.”

Fitzwilliam glanced at the rose now hanging between his parents’ portraits and shook his head. “It’s not that simple. She left me of her own volition. I didn’t leave her.”

“Fitzwilliam,” Harvey smiled kindly, “I have regretted to this very day letting my foolish Darcy pride destroy my chance to have the woman I loved. I am confident that, had I married her, Anne would be alive today. She wanted a large family, and since I had no objections, there would have been many children,” he said. “Oh, do not mistake me. I love your Aunt Susan, and she knows about my relationship with your mother. We almost separated over it many times whilst your mother was alive. Somehow, though, we managed to reach an understanding and stay together, but the kind of love I shared with your mother only comes once in a lifetime. It’s a deep soul connection, and I know from looking at you that you’ve loved to that same degree. All Darcy men are capable of it if they will only allow themselves the opportunity.” Harvey looked pointedly at David. “I have little doubt that, to the best of his ability, my brother also loved your mother, but from what I’ve heard, the specter of me was always between them… if only in his mind.”

“Yes, that is true. Father did love her, and because they could never connect, as you call it, it destroyed them both. He loved her every bit as deeply as you did,” David said sharply with a biting edge.

Harvey fought to suppress his emotions. “Yes, I know he did. We both loved the same woman deeply. She was a beautifully spirited woman with a beautiful mind, and she didn’t deserve the life she had. I loved her until the day she died,” Harvey said. “David, you know your father and I fought bitterly over your mother, but what you don’t know, as I’m sure Anne never told him, is that I begged her to run away with me both before and after Fitzwilliam was born. But she wouldn’t. The last violent encounter between your father and I was when he came home to Pemberley and interrupted your mother as she was telling me her resolve was set, and that we would not speak of us being together again, even though she would always love me in a special way. Before your father walked in, she was in the process of telling me that she had grown to love and respect him, and for the sake of her son, she would remain with my brother. George, of course, misunderstood what he saw and assumed that we were having an affair, but I never touched your mother in that way after our engagement was broken.”

“My mother…torn between the two of you. What a disaster the three of you created.” David rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Harvey cast a quick glance at David as he rose from his seat. “It is as it was. Fait accompli. Choices were made long ago, and I have to live with them.” He turned to his left. “Fitzwilliam, nothing is final until it’s final. Ring me next week for dinner and do spend time with us. Take it one day at a time. Things will get better. If it does become final between you and your wife, then life does goes on. You are a Darcy. There is pride associated with our name, both proper and improper. We’re all here to help you get through this. You know I love you, and so does Susan.” Uncle Harvey finished his Scotch and set his glass aside and moved towards the door, but David stopped him.

“Uncle, there is one final thing I have to know. Why didn’t my father tell us the real reason for Mother’s death? Why was her cancer kept from us?”

Harvey drew in a deep breath and released it slowly. David could tell this was not going to be easy for him. “We didn’t tell you because your mother didn’t want you to know. She was afraid you would be bitter because she had chosen to risk her life for your brother. Had she not done that, her oncologist probably could have saved her life.”

David winced. “Yes, I can see that. At the time, I thought my whole world had died with her. I would have felt betrayed if I had known it was a choice.” David turned to Fitzwilliam. “Did you know?”

“No, I didn’t. Her secret was well-kept. This is just as much a shock to me as it is to you,” Fitzwilliam said, staring at his uncle in disbelief. “And I’m afraid I would have felt betrayed, too.”

Harvey walked back and placed his hand on Fitzwilliam’s shoulder. “Someday we’ll all talk again, but for now, I must go. It’s past teatime, and Susan is waiting. Fitzwilliam, do ring me. I care as if you were my own son. George would want it that way. In the end, we made our peace, so do ring us.”

“Thank you. I appreciate your concern, and I will call ‘round.”

They both saw their uncle to the door and then returned to the study to talk.

“Fitzwilliam, if you were to find Elizabeth, would you want to reconcile? Would you take her back?” David asked as he paced back and forth, casting a meaningful glance from his brother to their mother’s portrait.

“I can’t honestly answer that. I would want to see her, but primarily to ask her why—why she did this to me, to us. Trust has been broken,” he said. “I just don’t know. Right now I’m trying to get over her. All I know for sure is that I don’t think I can ever trust or love anyone ever again after her. I don’t want to ever take the chance of going through this again.” Fitzwilliam glanced wearily at David. “Someday, I intend to read those journals. It’s just that right now is not the time. I can’t take any more pain. It seems to be a family affair,” he smirked. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have something to attend to.” Fitzwilliam turned and left the room.

 

~*~

 

Later in his room, David contemplated what he would do once Elizabeth was found. …I will speak with her first. I will not allow her to hurt him again. She will answer to me before I let Fitzwilliam know where she is.