Chapter Sixty-four

 

 

…Oh God, what have I done…?

 

David exhaled in frustration as he tossed the file in his hand on the side cabinet and fell down in the chair beside his bed. Eyeing the Thai Silk account, he shook his head. Corporate accounts and business were the last things he had on his mind. He reaching into his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes and took one out. Tapping it on the cabinet, he inhaled sharply and leaned back in his chair.

If he’d thought it had been bad before, it was much worse this time. The sight of happy couples walking arm in arm wherever he went grieved him, and searing pain shot through him every time a leggy blonde walked by. But that was during the day. During the night was another story entirely.

At night, David was barely able to sleep. His body ached, and his mind was flooded with thoughts and memories of Cecilia. He remembered the times they’d talked late into the night planning their costumes for the Magnolia Ball, the silly little things they’d shared about their respective day, and perhaps the worst and most bittersweet of all were the memories of their passionate nights spent in each other’s arms.

He clenched his jaw. Unable to resist, last week he had looked her up online and had seen her picture with her latest man in The Post and Courier. David smirked contemptuously. Cecilia had wasted no time in moving on, and with him, a man David knew she did not love.

He took out a lighter and lit his cigarette. Taking a long, slow drag, he reflected on recent events. Although he was a man who never did without, he hadn’t been with anyone since he’d known he was in love with Cecilia. It had been three months now since he had slept with a woman. He was not his brother. He could not remain celibate indefinitely, though he doubted he’d ever love again.

He eyed the glass on the side cabinet. Another bottle of brandy, another night …alone. He couldn’t go on like this! He had to get her off his mind. What was he to do? Sandra! He had to see Sandra. She had been his favorite girlfriend before Cecilia. Perhaps they could reconnect.

David quickly grabbed his mobile and searched the directory for her number. Since he hadn’t called her in over a year, he wasn’t sure where she would be at this hour or if she would be working or not. All he knew was that if someone could replace Cecilia, even for one night, it was Sandra. In looks they were very similar. He had to see her.

“David…how good of you to ring,” she said, rather flatly.

“Sandra, I need to see you. Can you meet me tonight?”

“You come right to the point, don’t you?”

David creased his brow. Sandra’s response had a biting edge. Surely she wouldn’t refuse him?

“It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, and I really would like to see you again.”

A full three seconds of silence stood between them before she answered, leaving David even more confused.

“Sure, David.” She hesitated. “I’m working till midnight, but after that, I’m free.”

Relieved, he asked, “Where are you working?”

“The Pink Palace. Do you want to pick me up or meet me at my flat?”

“I’ll meet you at your flat. I’ll see you around one. Will that do?”

“I’ll see you then. You still have the key?”

“Yes, I’ll let myself in and wait for you.”

Sliding his mobile shut, he poured himself a brandy while he contemplated Sandra. Her tone was cool and clipped. For a moment, he had feared she would refuse him. He wondered if it was just his imagination or something else.

She knew their understanding. That had never been a problem. He could be with her and go on his way without so much as a second thought. She had never made any demands and there were no expectations. Puzzled by her tone, he dismissed it as nothing. Finishing his brandy, he put out his cigarette and left for Sandra’s flat.

Sandra arrived a little after one and found David reclined on the sofa in the living room, waiting for her.

“David, it’s so good to see you again. I haven’t seen you in…what, a year?”

“It’s been a long time, love, but I’m here tonight. How have you been?”

“Lonely. I’ve missed our times together. You’re one of the best lovers I’ve ever had, and… well, I’ve missed you.”

David arched an eyebrow, startled by her confession and not quite sure how to answer.

“I’ve been very busy, love. I haven’t had time to visit old friends.”

“Yes, I’m sure you have.”

David pulled in a deep breath. There it is. That cool tone again. What’s wrong with her?

Walking over to the small cabinet beside her sofa, she threw her wrap over a nearby chair and turned. “Well, let’s have some wine and make up for lost time. I’m looking forward to being with you again. This time we’ll work extra hard to be discreet, so there’ll be no more problems.” She poured two glasses of port and handed him one before taking her seat beside him. He pulled her close and held her as they sipped their wine in silence. Relaxed, he once again dismissed his reservations. Apparently, she thought he hadn’t called because of the tabloids. He’d let her think whatever she wanted. It was better than the truth.

“David, what’s wrong? You’re not yourself. You’ve barely said two words to me. Something’s bothering you.”

“Why do you say that? I’m a little tired. That’s all.”

“Precisely. You were never tired when we were together. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I sense the presence of another woman.”

Shocked at her perception, David jolted. He’d thought Sandra beautiful and talented, but perceptive was not an attribute he would have ascribed to her. “No one is here besides us, and there is nothing wrong with me…nothing at all.”

“It’s me you’re talking to, David. I know you fairly well. If you’re not crawling all over me, something is wrong. We haven’t made love in a year, and you aren’t interested.”

“Sandra,” he sat up straight, “I’ve never made love to you, and tonight, I feel like it even less. If you’re looking for love, I don’t have it in me. Intimacy is something I can try to share, but if I disappoint you, I’m sorry.”

“It’s because of her, isn’t it?” Sandra persisted. “The American.”

“Sandra, what on earth are you talking about?”

“The one I read about in society pages. The wealthy corporate executive from America. The story was picked up by The Sunday Times. It’s reported that you’ve been seen traveling to South Carolina to see some woman. The papers say that you are quite serious about her.” She shifted to face him. “Are you in love? Is that the reason you came to see me? Are you running from her?”

“She has nothing to do with it. I don’t love her. I don’t love anybody. I told you once before love is an emotion I don’t feel—not for her, not for you, not for anyone,” he lied.

“Oh, but I believe you do. Perhaps you’re unaware of it, but you’re more affected by her than you think.”

David attempted to respond, but Sandra held up her hand to silence him.

“David, I know our relationship has only been about sex. I meet your needs and you meet mine, but tonight you’re distracted. You’re in love with her, and I know it,” Sandra whimpered.

Stunned, David looked at her in confused disbelief. “You’re wrong. I’ve told you I don’t love her. So let’s drop it!”

Sandra set her glass down and began to tremble, crying softly.

…Oh God, a crying woman! I can’t handle a crying woman. A twinge of pity pierced his heart as he set his wine glass aside and wrapped her in his arms. He wished it could have been her he loved, but it wasn’t. In a storm of emotions, he lied again.

“You’re mistaken, Sandra.”

“No, I don’t think I am. She or someone else is here tonight. It’s not me you desire. I’m only a diversion—someone to help you forget what you don’t want to remember.”

“You’re wrong, Sandra. I’m not in love,” he breathed deeply, “but you’re right about one thing. I…we do need a diversion.”

Hearing his words, she turned in his arms and embraced him, kissing him in a way she had never kissed him before. David sensed her desperation—desperate for whatever he was willing to give her.

Knowing she had feelings for him disturbed him greatly. It had been a mistake to come here. But since he was here, he couldn’t leave her so distraught. A year ago, he wouldn’t have cared, but not today. Somewhere along the way he’d become a different man—a man torn by her emotional state and by his guilt in knowing that he could not return her feelings. All of it only increased the pain he had sought to escape in her arms.

For the second time in his life, he was taking a woman to bed for her sake—not his. He would give Sandra what he knew she wanted and needed—some tenderness, but he could never return to her flat again. One thing he’d sworn he would never do was to deliberately hurt someone, especially the way Cecilia had hurt him. Sandra deserved better than that. After he knew she was satisfied, he lay there holding her until she fell asleep.

Once he was sure she was asleep, David got up and dressed. As he reached for his pen to leave her a note, he saw the December issue of Gentleman Quarterly lying on her dresser. Eying it carefully, he picked it up and thumbed through it until he reached the article. Sandra had written a note in the margin. She had thought the article was meant for her. Pain gripped him as a slow, guttural moan escaped his throat. …Oh God, what have I done? I never meant for her to love me. No matter what I do, I will hurt her, but at least I will hurt her less by leaving. He glanced back at her sleeping form and shook his head. Then he took out his pen and wrote her a quick note, leaving it, along with the key and £2000, her usual fee, on her dresser. After one quick look at Sandra’s sleeping form, he turned and quietly left, closing the door behind him for good.