All-dressed (n.): Dressing with the implicit intention of attracting the opposite (or same) sex. Also (food): the works; the whole nine yards of available toppings; difficult to discern individual flavors, but still good: Been a long winter, sis? You look like a whore, all-dressed like that.
Bachelor (n.): A no-bedroom apartment, usually occupied by a writer, an actor, or the creator of a fringe political party: You must be so lonely in this bachelor. Are those your cats?
Beaver breath (n.): The taste and smell of one’s mouth the morning after drinking at least 50 percent of a two-four: I love you baby, but you have some serious beaver breath.
Beaver tail (n.): The tail on a North American beaver. (What did you think it was?): That beaver has a beaver tail.
CanCon (n.): Short for “Canadian Content,” a law requiring broadcasters to air a certain percentage of made-in-Canada programming. The policy is useful for getting children to play outside by preventing excessive quality on Canadian television: Hey, Little Mosque on the Prairie is on! I’ll get the sticks, you set up the net.
Canuck (prop. n.): A member of Vancouver’s elite hockey posse. Also (n.): a term of unity for Canadians: We are all Canucks. Except Greg—he’s a dick.
CBC (prop. n.): The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Similar to America’s PBS, minus the excessive funding: The CBC found a toonie in its pocket, doubling the number of shows it can produce this year.
Cheezies (n.): Small, crunchy, artificially cheese-flavored bits of air. Commonly found at convenience stores and in the laps of high people: I could eat a bag of Cheezies, right now, all by myself. Or seven bags.
Chesterfield (n.): A loveseat that has been welded into a mega-loveseat to accommodate three to six adult Canadians. Also (v.): The movement of a chesterfield onto the patio the moment summer arrives: It’s ten degrees Celsius, time to chesterfield. I’ll get the sunscreen.
Curling (n.): The official Canadian sport for people who don’t like sports: I’m too drunk to play Frisbee golf. Let’s go curling.
Dick-all (n.): Nothing; shit-all, done through lack of will, stubbornness, or intoxication: The government is doing dick-all about the glowing ducks in that tailings pond.
Eh (interjection): The Canadian equivalent of punctuation: No worries, eh.
Forty-Ninth Parallel (n.): The Canadian equivalent of the Mexican border: I wish these immigrants would stop crossing the forty-ninth parallel to steal our jobs.
Forty-pounder (n.): The default weight chosen when lying about fish size. Also (n.): a forty-fluid-ounce bottle of liquor (Canadian rye, rum, vodka, or gin—but not beer): Went ice-fishing last week, me and the boys killed a forty-pounder and caught two or three, probably, forty-pounders.
Gaunch/Gitch/Ginch (n.): Underwear—long, boxer, brief, or thong: I pulled his gaunch/gitch/ginch so high he could taste his own undercarriage.
Goose trap (n.): Where two or more ex-girlfriends simultaneously approach from different sides of the room. Frequently occurs in Canada because everyone knows Ian from Toronto: Bridget and Sophie totally pulled a goose trap on me at the pub. Turns out they were in Girl Guides together.
Hockey (n.): A Canadian sport, pastime, season, way of life, and all-purpose excuse for getting out of anything: Why did you schedule our wedding during a preseason junior hockey exhibition scrimmage?
Hollywood North (prop. n.): Vancouver’s film community, where every science fiction film and television series of the past decade was shot: Hollywood North converted my office into a Cylon base. [This actually happened to one of us.]
Hoser (n.): See also “shit disturber.” An innocuous way to refer to someone who is being a bit dickish or difficult, or is drinking all of your beer. Also (rural): One who, when intoxicated, takes pleasure in peeing on a friend or acquaintance (it is considered un-Canadian to urinate on strangers): Melissa must have drank that whole forty-pounder. Looks like the hoser is setting up to hit Pete.
Hydro (n.): The Canadian term for electricity, which is largely supplied by hydroelectric power: I can’t pay the hydro this month because I’m watching hockey.
Loonie (n.): A one-dollar coin whose value fluctuates with the maple syrup market: Can you spot me a loonie to buy some maple syrup?
Mickey (n.): A discreet, pocket-sized bottle containing thirteen fluid ounces of liquor, suitable for concerts, expensive sporting events, inexpensive sporting events, outdoor events, indoor events, snow skiing, high-school dances, glove boxes, office drawers, briefcases, backpacks, and just about anywhere one might conceal a handgun: If you need a quick pinch, there is a mickey of rye under the car seat.
Mountie (prop. n.): A member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Also (n.): One who is being mounted: Stay away from that Mountie’s Taser, or he will make you his mountie.
Newfie (prop. n.): A member of a strangely delightful and lovable people who live in, or are from, the province of Newfoundland. Also known as the Canadian Oompa-Loompa, the Newfie has an accent that makes communicating nearly impossible (see America’s Deep South). The phonetics of a Newfie sentence: Wre y’at? Da ba! Tot we’d ld uät da truc n hed nôrt, fer d’nite. I’com’ta-bar, ode’on.
Parkade (n.): A multilevel, often subterranean parking lot: Melanie and I used to bone in the parkade at night.
Pissle (n.): The amount of post-urinal drip needed to produce a visible pant spot of at least 3 centimeters (1.2 inches) in diameter. Frequently experienced when engaging in strong laughter with drunk friends: Holy shit bro! Is that a pissle? Does that count? Let me get my ruler.
Roughrider (prop. n.): A member of the Saskatchewan Roughriders or the Ottawa Rough Riders, who, incredibly, played in the Canadian Football League at the same time. Also (n.): A sexually aggressive Canadian woman: That Saskatchewan roughrider popped my hip out of place.
Shatner (v.): The act of kicking one square in the testicles: He fucking shatnered me!
Shit disturber (n.): An individual who, after the fist fight, continues to mouth off and slander your girlfriend while everyone is trying to watch the film. Also (n.): A drunk friend who sneaks into your backyard and spreads out your dog’s droppings to make tomorrow’s collection more difficult: Doug must have been drinking last night, the little shit disturber created a minefield out there.
Stampede (n.): Calgary’s annual hat festival: Are you going to this year’s Stampede? No, I don’t have a hat.
Toboggan (n.): A sled or sleighlike winter vehicle made of wood, plastic, metal, or garbage bags. Employed in the winter months for downhill sledding and keeping dentists employed: I got shatnered by a toboggan!
Toque (n.): A knit cap; Northern Christian yarmulke; frequently worn for survival during the cold winter months. More recently (urban), worn as a fashion statement in non-frozen months or to display douchery when worn during an indoor workout: Is that shit disturber wearing a toque while doing squats?
TransCanada (n.): The eight-thousand-kilometer (five-thousand-mile) highway connecting a string of places nobody wants to visit: How the hell did we get onto the TransCanada?
Two-four (n.): A box of twenty-four cans or bottles of beer. Also (n.): May 24, Queen Victoria’s birthday, the holiday weekend that kicks off summer camping for most Canadians: We have four bags of Cheezies, three two-fours, two mickeys, a forty-pounder, a Newfie, night toques, firewood, and a canoe. Let’s party till we pissle.