Hello, America. It’s us, Canada. You might remember us from the documentary Strange Brew. Or that flag you sewed onto your backpack the summer you bummed around Europe. Or that time in the sixties when your hippies slid into us like second base, waiting until it was safe to return home.
But we’re more than the country you kick in your sleep as you slumber through the American Dream. We’re your next-door neighbor, and the paper-thin border has done little to muffle the sound of your political anguish. We tried turning up the stereo, but every other song is Bryan Adams, which just makes the headaches worse.
So we’re pursuing the only option left: We want you to elect us the next President of the United States. We had a chat with the rest of the world, and everyone agrees your addiction to dangerous, divisive politics has gotten out of hand, and you’re headed for an overdose. We’re offering you the chance to kick back for a while and let a trusted friend cook your meals and fluff your pillows, giving you time to do some healing and generally reevaluate your place in the universe. So this is not an invasion; it’s an intervention.
Why are we qualified to lead America? Because we are America Jr., the little brother who has idolized you since we were baby colonies spitting up in Britain’s lap. We’ve grown up together, tamed a frontier together, laughed, cried, bled, overeaten at Thanksgiving, and conquered outer space together. We share the same spacious skies and amber waves of grain, the same purple mountain majesties, the same sea to the same shining sea.
Sure, we’ve had a few rough patches. The War of 1812. Vietnam. Celine Dion. [Again, we are really, really sorry about that.] But we’ve weathered these storms to develop the largest trading partnership, most integrated militaries, and weakest beers in the known universe. Both of our Constitutions are based on the personal liberties outlined in Mom’s Magna Carta, and it is this—our mutual status as beacons of freedom to the rest of the world—that unites us in cause and makes us continental BFFs.
Which is why it has been with great sadness, and more than a little nausea, that we’ve witnessed our American brothers and sisters betrayed over the past decade by privately owned politicians who have created franchises out of persecuting the disenfranchised, fetishized ignorance at the expense of reason, deprived citizens of their civil liberties in the name of a very profitable notion of security, and driven up taxpayer debt to finance solid gold pockets to carry their other gold.
We have watched from a distance with the same horrified stare one might impart on a busload of kittens being carried away by a tornado. We have watched class warfare committed by classless bourgeoisie. We have watched as huddled masses yearning to breathe free were told that it is un-American to huddle, mass, yearn, or breathe. We have watched, and for years have asked ourselves, “Isn’t somebody going to help those poor folks!?”
And then we realized: We are a somebody. And we’re not just an “outside the beltway” candidate, we’re outside the border. So we’ve written this book—translated from Canadian to American English—to explain our platform and convince you that you’re better off getting an overhaul from an honest mechanic than being scrapped by China and sold for parts.
America used to be the world’s quarterback—popular, hardworking, and ruggedly handsome, the country everyone aspired to be. But then there was that White House party the new administration kicked off in 2000. Remember that? Pissed-off neighbors? Carpets stained with motor oil? All the rent money spent on beer and airport groping? America stopped playing with the team, got fat and lazy, started beating up gays and hassling women, becoming the bully that other countries fear but don’t respect. And Canada, a few years your junior, got dragged down with you, our self-esteem—although many of us will deny it—intimately tied to that of our older brother. We told you not to drink and drill. But you didn’t listen. And now we are all paying the price.
It’s not like we don’t have our own faults. Our prime minister makes Dick Cheney look like a human-rights crusader. Our oil program is so apocalyptic it was given a “Special Thanks” credit in the book of Revelations. And we have recently earned permanent-member status in the election-fraud club coveted by up-and-coming superpowers the world over. Which is why, once we become your president, we will turn around and invade ourselves, as we could use a good regime change of our own.
But since it’s colder in Canada, the concepts of freedom and neighborliness have been kept fresher. Liberty is still crisp. And although our own leadership has left the refrigerator door open and begun rotting the ideals that sustain us, a daunting opportunity has surfaced with the rise of the oil sands and the melting of the Northwest Passage, and we now face the terrifying prospect of becoming a superpower in our own right.
But we don’t want to do it alone. We still love you, America. You are family. We want to remain brothers, side by side down the longest border in the world, a border marked by a monument inscribed with the words “May These Gates Never Be Closed.” We would like the same to be true of our minds, which is why we’re asking you to elect us your leader.
We are aware that your laws say presidential candidates have to be U.S.-born, but since Canada recognizes the rights of same-continent partners, we are legally obligated to declare ourselves a U.S. citizen by proxy. So instead of marking the box for “Most Charming Hypocrite,” why not vote for the country you deserve? We are the Canada Party, and we want to help you rebuild the great nation this world sorely needs: America, but better.