Things get a little crazy then. There’s Travis at the door and then two guards with actual swords. When they come in, Travis starts yelling, “I don’t have them! Search me if you don’t believe me—just don’t behead me!” One of the swords swings around, and he jumps. “Get those things away from me!”
Then a bunch more people show up. Most of them are holding fancy old dresses.
Next is a woman, who I’m guessing is the one the princess called “pudding-faced Lady Brooke,” because her face does look as beige and bland as vanilla pudding. Talia runs to her, screaming with anguish. “Lady Brooke! I have done it! I have done it!”
“Done what, dear?” Lady Brooke says.
“Ruined everything. I am so sorry.”
Travis has managed to edge away from the guards in the confusion when the dressmakers showed up. Now, he tugs my arm. “Come on, man.”
I start to go, glancing back at the princess, who’s still wailing away.
“Wait!” the princess screams, loud enough to make everyone in the room stop what they’re doing and look at her. Everything is silent, and I realize that no one but Talia and I know that they’ve been asleep for hundreds of years.
Finally, pudding-faced Lady Brooke says, “What now, dear?”
The princess points at me. “He cannot leave.”
“Why not?”
“Because he has kissed me!”
Every eye in the room turns on me. The guards notice Travis again, but this time they grab both of us.
“Have you defiled the princess?” one guard demands, getting close with the sword.
“No…I mean, I don’t think so.”
“No!” Talia says. “I am not defiled in the least. But he must stay.”
“Who are you?” Lady Brooke asks.
“I’m Jack O’Neill…from Florida…I guess I broke some spell. No need to thank me. If you’ll just call off your guard before he removes something, I’ll get going.”
The princess lunges toward me. “You cannot go. You have broken the spell. Do you know what that means?” When I don’t answer, she says, “It means you are my true love.”
“Cuckoo! Cuckoo!” Travis whispers.
I ignore him. “True love? But I don’t even know your name.”
“My name?” She looks surprised. “Oh, well, that is easy enough. Everyone knows that.”
“Except me.” Once you tell me, can I leave?
“Very well. It is probably best to have a proper introduction.” She looks at Pudding Face and says, “Lady Brooke.”
Lady Brooke nods, although she doesn’t look happy about it, and gestures toward me. “Jack O’Neill, of Florida, you are presented to Her Royal Highness, Princess Talia.”
Talia.
“It is customary to bow at this time,” Talia says.
“Your name is Talia? I didn’t know…”
“And yet, that is what you called me when you…”
“I know.” I shake my head. “I mean, I didn’t know your name, but somehow I guessed or something. It was weird, like someone told it to me.”
She nods. “True love. It was meant to be.”
“Look,” I say, “I might want to go out sometime, but as far as true love—”
“But you woke me! And I can only be awakened by true love’s kiss. And besides, I am a beautiful princess. How could you not love me?”
Easy.
Travis looks at Talia, then at the hands of the guards who are holding him, and then back at Talia. “So, um, Your Royalness, do you think you could maybe let us go?”
“Yeah, it’s—ah—getting late.” It’s actually only twelve thirty, but who knows if these people can even tell time. “Our tour group’s waiting for us.”
“Highness, this one is a thief!” the guard behind Travis says. “And if this person was with him, he must be an accomplice.”
“I’m no thief,” I say, “and neither is Travis.”
“The crown was in his hands!” says the guard.
“He didn’t take anything, and I’m the one who broke the curse and saved you all. Doesn’t that count for anything?”
“What curse?” Lady Brooke says. “What is he talking about?”
Talia ignores her. “Yes. Guards, you must unhand this gentleman at once. He is an honored guest and a friend of my future husband. You must both stay for supper.”
Future husband? Does she mean me? “Excuse me, but I’m not—”
“Talia…” Lady Brooke says. “You cannot mean to invite this…this…commoner to supper. It is the eve of your birthday ball.”
Talia starts to cry again. “No, Lady Brooke. Do you not understand? I have touched a spindle! A spindle! We have all been asleep for a great while, and this…” She gestures toward me. “This commoner has awakened me.”
“You have touched a spindle, you say?” Lady Brooke’s puddingy jaw is hanging.
Talia nods.
“A spindle, you say?”
“Yes!”
Lady Brooke cradles her forehead in her hands. “I have left you alone for ten minutes, and you touched a spindle and slept for…for…”
“Three hundred years.”
“Ah!” Lady Brooke looks like she’s been stabbed. “Oh, not again, not again…” She recovers. “And you have been awakened by a…a…”
“Really great guy?” I volunteer.
Talia nods. “He will stay for supper.” She looks at me. “You will stay for supper?”
I nod. I can handle it if that’s what it takes for them to let me go—even though they’ll probably serve squirrel or something. “That’s fine. Just let me call the hotel and tell them where we are.” I take out my cell phone.
“What is that?” Princess Talia says.
“A phone.” She keeps staring at it. In fact, everyone stops what they’re doing, gathers around, and stares. “You can, um, talk to people on it.”
Except I can’t get a signal. Duh. There’s no tower here. Suddenly, it dawns on me what Talia said: I have been asleep nearly three hundred years! If that’s true, this place is like a time warp. Princess Talia really did screw things up.
And all I’m thinking is, How did they go so long without eating or peeing?
Everyone’s still staring at the phone, which lights up and makes beeping noises. Think how jacked they’d get if it actually worked.
“We have to go there,” I say. “They’ll be waiting for us.”
“But surely your friends must have known of your journey,” Talia says.
“We sort of sneaked off.”
“Then we must send a messenger,” Talia says. “Simply tell me the name of the inn in which you are staying, and it shall be done.”
Problem one: I have no idea where the hotel is. Problem two: There’s a huge hedge around the whole country. Problem three: I am not—and I mean not—marrying this princess.
“Does this help?” Travis pulls a postcard out of his pocket. It has a photo of our hotel on the front. This causes another spasm of activity as everyone has to gather around to look at the photo. Finally, Travis says, “The address is on the back, I think.”
Talia hands it to Pudding Face, who looks dangerously close to fainting. She examines it a moment, then says, “That is two days’ journey.”
It seemed pretty far but not two days.
“Nah,” Travis says. “It was about two hours on the bus.”
Pudding Face looks puzzled. “Bus?”
“Yah. It’s sort of like a car only…you got the wheel here? Has that been invented yet?”
Talia straightens her shoulders, and even Lady Brooke seems to have recovered enough to glare at Travis.
“I guess it has,” Travis says. “Well, a bus is sort of a wheel thing with a motor, and fast.” He looks at them. “Okay, I can see you don’t get the bus thing. Maybe I could, like, take your guards out and show it to them if, um, they’d let go of me and get their swords out of my butt.”
Talia nods. “Do as he says.”
The guards look disappointed, but they let go of Travis, and he gestures to them to follow him. “Hey, do you guys have a chain saw?” Travis is saying as they leave.
When he is gone, Talia turns to me. “Well, then, we must find you some proper clothing. If we are to marry, you must meet my father.” Then, in case I don’t get it, she adds, “The king. So we can arrange the wedding.”
Lady Brooke finally topples to the ground. I’m pretty close to joining her.
I should have stayed with the tour!