20

There was a silence. I gave my middle another rub and rapidly tried to sort things out. I may have had all manner of internal bruising in the abdomen, I reflected, but at least I had the consolation of Miles coming out of the affair worse than me. The Odysseus millions certainly wouldn’t oil his way towards the House of Lords, after a few years sweating it out among the delinquents. And now Miles was out of the room the Whortleton situation began to clear a little. All I had to do was disperse the troops, pass a day recovering in the sea breezes, then meet Dame Hilda and Anemone off the London train on Monday afternoon as arranged, with some story about Miles and his missus having leapt at the chance of a spare bed by the briny. Meanwhile, I had to get some sleep.

‘Right ho, ladies, thank you very much,’ I announced. ‘I think it’s time the party broke up. And so does that chap in the next room, by the way he’s hammering on the wall.’

‘It’s been delightful,’ said Gertie.

‘Yes, ever so,’ agreed Cissy.

‘We hardly ever go out these days at all,’ added Joan.

‘Glad you’ve enjoyed it. If you will now allow me to escort you downstairs–’

‘There’s just one thing,’ said Gertie.

‘Yes, there is, isn’t there?’ nodded Cissy. ‘Just a very little thing,’ concurred Joan.

‘What little thing?’ I asked, rather shortly.

‘Our cash,’ said Genie.

‘The lolly,’ pointed out Cissy.

‘Yes, the crinkly,’ observed Joan. ‘Our hundred quid.’

‘A promise is a promise.’

‘Your friend never gave us the cheque.’

‘You might give me mine while you’re at it, darling,’ interrupted Dolores, still pressing the bell.

‘Don’t worry about the cheque, girls,’ I said lightly. ‘My friend may be a worm, but I guarantee he’ll be perfectly honourable and send you the money as soon as he remembers in the morning. Otherwise, of course, he’d be scared stiff of you blackmailing him.’

‘I’d rather have it now, please,’ said Gertie.

‘On the nail.’

‘Fair’s fair.’

‘It’s useless asking me,’ I told the three Jellybones. ‘Because I haven’t got a hundred quid.’

‘We’re not leaving till we’ve been paid,’ insisted Gertie. ‘And believe me, we’ve had plenty of experience getting our proper rights from nasty managements before now.’

‘Remember what we did at Blackpool?’ asked Cissy.

‘When they had to call the police,’ Joan reminded her.

‘If no one answers this bell soon I’m going to scream,’ said Dolores,

‘For lord’s sake be reasonable!’ I remonstrated. ‘I promise you’ll all be paid within the next twenty-four hours. If you like, I’ll actually ring up the blasted chap and remind him. Though if you would care to blackmail him, anyway,’ I nodded, ‘it’s perfectly all right with me.’

‘No cash, no go,’ said the Jellybone Sisters at once.

‘If you’re being sticky with the money, darling,’ added Dolores, ‘I’d like to remind you I’ve some very strong-minded gentlemen friends in Town.’

‘Now look here, I’ve had more than enough pushing about for one evening,’ I announced, losing patience with the blasted gaggle. ‘If you ladies want to stay in Whortleton until Doomsday you’re welcome to the room. Personally I’m pushing off to doss down under the pier. Good night!’

As I grabbed my raincoat there was a knock on the door.

The porter appeared.

‘Excuse me bothering you again, sir. But I have a gentleman here who seems anxious to see you. Name of Sir Lancelot Spratt.’

‘Sir Lancelot – ?’

‘All right, porter, I’ll let myself in if the boy’s not asleep,’ came the familiar voice from outside. ‘Ah, Grimsdyke, there you are – What the devil’s going on here? What are all these people doing? Take that damned dog away,’ he added, coming into the bedroom with Dame Hilda and Anemone.

‘Who,’ demanded Dame Hilda generally, ‘are you?’

‘Mrs Grimsdyke,’ said all my four guests.

‘I can explain everything,’ I started.

‘Please don’t.’

‘Look here, Grimsdyke, if I had known you were this type of feller I certainly wouldn’t have taken you to New York last month.’

‘New York? I thought you were in Cheltenham?’

‘Well – er, not quite Cheltenham, actually.’

Dame Hilda turned to Anemone. ‘Please give it to me, my child.’

‘Give you what, Mummy?’

‘The ring, naturally. Sir Lancelot, perhaps you would drive us to some other accommodation? As for you, Dr Grimsdyke, when I imagined you had merely forgotten to cancel these rooms I was blissfully unaware of the depravity concealed below your deceptively witless exterior. Come, Anemone.’

‘I should like to see you, Grimsdyke, in the morning,’ ended Sir Lancelot. ‘You will meet me at nine by the bandstand.’

They left.

‘Will that be all, sir?’ asked the porter.

‘I sincerely hope so,’ I told him.

He sighed. ‘Dear me, sir. We have a lot to learn I fear, sir.’

‘How right you are,’ I agreed.

I managed to get rid of the Jellybones in the end by giving them a cheque for fifty on account. Dolores spent the night in number ten, and I slept in Miles’ room, with the dog. And in the morning the ruddy kippers were cold, anyway.