Chapter Seven

Caleb hated to be in the middle of family affairs, but the position Gott had placed him in called for exactly that. He’d left the community on rumspringa and had not come back, not because he wanted to live the English life, but because he wanted to guide teenagers when they were in the big city.

So many had aspirations to experience Philadelphia, others wanted to live there, but Caleb had learned the hard way that Philly wasn’t what the Amish expected it to be. It could trick and consume a person. He’d seen many fall into harm’s way. Some floundered. Most made it back home, but others didn’t fare as well. They’d fallen into what he called Satan’s playground.

Someone near and dear to him had gotten caught in the evil one’s trickery, and Caleb would never forgive himself for not doing more to prevent it. If he ever did accept forgiveness, he might finally go home again. If they’d take him back.

But the situation with the Millers was personal. He’d spent too much time there growing up not to have a strong bias toward the family. He’d always had a soft spot for Mark. But then he was easier to manage as a kid. His demeanor was changing as he got older.

Ivan and Rebecca were older parents and figured time would balance things out. From what Caleb had seen in the city, he thought maybe Mark had some mental health issues—something a doctor could help with—but the Amish were leery about using medication for such matters.

“Caleb.” Maria’s ragged voice came up from behind him as she ran down the road toward his family’s farm.

His head jerked up. “Mornin’, Maria.”

“I’ve been looking for you.” Her weak smile told him something was bothering her. She pushed back the long strands of hair that dangled against her shoulder and caught her breath.

“What’s on your mind?” He tilted his head to study her. She had grown up since he saw her last. Not the gangly little girl nipping at Emma’s feet. He’d never thought of her as pretty, but now she had a certain plain yet beautiful face.

“I’m glad you’re here, Caleb.” She twisted to the side, looking down the main road through the community. Her eyes stopped at her family’s farm. “I’m torn.”

“About rumspringa?” He didn’t wait for the answer. “Why do you want to go?”

“How did you know?”

“I just do. But everyone’s reason is different.”

She shrugged. “I’m not sure.” She finally looked him in the eye. “Why did you?”

He smiled. He’d always liked Maria’s manner. She had a strong way about her that created a complexity he appreciated. But he didn’t believe she was asking for herself. She was asking for Mark. Maria would never leave home.

Caleb answered her question, “My brother had it in his head that he wanted to go. My parents wanted me to go with him.”

“But he was older than you, wasn’t he?” A slight wind tugged at her kapp, and she reached up to pull it down.

Caleb chuckled at the familiar gesture.

He nodded. Most knew not to ask about his brother, but this was Emma’s sister, so he’d be patient with her. “And he had a wild side to him. My parents thought for sure he wouldn’t come back if I wasn’t there to bring him home.”

He paused and watched her eyes flicker back and forth. She was listening intently. “But he never did.”

Caleb sucked in some air and slowly released it.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.” She was one of the few whose remorse seemed genuine. But even this time he knew she wanted the rest of the story.

“He’s still in Philly,” was his patent answer. No one needed any more information than that. Not even his parents knew what had really happened. He didn’t want to worry them. As far as they knew, he had lost touch with his brother. Caleb wished he had. If it wasn’t for him, Caleb would be back here, growing a family and crop. But until it was finished with Abe, he couldn’t leave Philly.

“It’s not a bad thing to do, if kept within reason. For most it confirms their choice to come back to their home, their families, and live the Amish life.”

“And for others?”

“Most of them have a hard time adjusting to the English ways. It’s so different from what we’ve grown up with.” He watched her eyes drop to the pebbled dirt under her boots. “What are you running away from?”

Her head popped up, and her eyes opened wide. “Why do you ask?”

“I’ve heard and seen just about everything over the years, including the answer you’re about to give me.” He grinned to let her know it was all right, that her secret would be his to keep. He had so many bottled up inside, he’d started keeping a journal in his head. Each one came with a face and prayer for discernment.

“Sometimes I think I’d like to get away.” She paused and turned to him. “Do you see people in the city who act like Mark?”

The look of hope in her eyes grieved him. She so desperately wanted to find answers about Mark, and she held on to so much guilt. “There is every kind of person in the city, the same as here. Only we wear hats and kapps.” He grinned, and she did too. “He just wants his independence.”

She tightened her lips. “That’s why I’m going. My mamm and daed have more than one child, but sometimes it seems as if they’ve forgotten that.”

Caleb understood her concern and frustration with her brother. He’d gone through a lot of the same things with his own brother. It was difficult to determine how much was ordinary, family differences and how much was something more. “Sometimes things get swallowed up, and no one knows where it all went or what happened. Give yourself a little more time.”

To his surprise, she moved quickly forward and hugged him. “Danke, Caleb.

“That’s what I’m here for.” He moved away.

“It is your calling now, isn’t it?” Her eyes softened.

“Unbeknownst to me, it is.” Caleb still wondered from time to time why he was chosen for this task. But in any case it wasn’t his place to question, only to do his best for the glory of God.

“Bless you, Caleb.” Maria’s words brought him back.

“And you.” He watched her go down the path he’d just came from. The Millers had much to work out, but Caleb felt they would. Maybe with one of them gone for a while, it would give Ivan and Rebecca a chance to see what the problems were and how to solve them. A break might be good for all of them. He had to admit deep down in his heart, he wished Emma would come, just long enough to see his world. But with Zeb so prominent in her life, he knew that would never happen.

There was something about Zeb that didn’t sit right with Caleb. It wasn’t fair of him to judge something he didn’t even know for sure was there, but it didn’t feel right in his gut. Zeb seemed to care about Emma, but there was a void big and wide. So why couldn’t Caleb see what it was? Maybe it was so obvious he was missing it. When it came right down to it, Caleb was probably just jealous.

He was deep in thought when he ran into Deacon Reuben. “Deacon Reuben, how are you?”

“Caleb.” He stopped in front of him and looked him in the eye. “I heard you’d been around the community. What brings you here?” He was a heavy man, and the words came out in a huff. He leaned on a walking stick as he waited for Caleb to answer.

“Just came back to visit for a while.” Caleb didn’t smile or even act cordial. He was defensive, waiting for the questions: What was he doing? Was he still a believer? Had he renounced the devil from that sinful place?

“Have you reconciled with your mamm and daed?” Reuben leaned forward, putting more weight on his stick.

“I’m staying with the Chupps while I’m here. I hope to see them before I leave.”

“I don’t know if that’s wise. Your own daed doesn’t let you stay in his haus, jah?”

So that’s what this was about—the regular checkup to catch him breaking the rules of being shunned. Most didn’t care; they accepted him and knew he was there for a short while and would leave as quickly as he came. But not Reuben. He was the deacon who followed the law to a T. There was no way around it. In Reuben’s eyes he was a sinner through and through.

Caleb had asked for forgiveness for breaking the laws of the Amish, but he wondered whether God really cared. They weren’t God’s laws, they were man’s. “No, I don’t stay at my father’s home, because I don’t want to make them have to answer to you or any of the other deacons.”

Reuben grunted and moved back as if he’d been shot. “Harsh words to a servant to the community. And from a bitter young man.”

Caleb shook his head. “You don’t serve the community, you break it down.” Caleb looked up then and met his eyes. “But you might be right about being bitter.”

He could go into detail, explain what he meant. But it didn’t matter. Reuben would take what he wanted from this meeting and throw away the rest. Caleb couldn’t do anything right in the man’s eyes, so he stopped trying. The bitterness came from not being accepted. Reuben had no idea how much he longed to be working the farm with his family. “See ya, Reuben.”

“Ach!” Reuben turned and strolled away.

Caleb walked down the main road, the one that went by all of the farms in the community. It would take a while to get to the house he wanted, but his feet took him there, regardless. It was as if his body took over his mind because he was on damage control.

He felt like an outcast here. Ironic that he would feel the worst around people who were supposed to be the most accepting and Christlike. But instead, the drunks, homeless, and lost in the city were the people who tried so hard to get their lives together, and they accepted him unconditionally because that’s how he accepted them.

He saw the white silo first, and after passing the hill, the red barn. The farm was picture-perfect, as always. Chickens roamed about, pecking the ground, and the milk cows mooed their protest as milking time approached. He’d lost track of time, engrossed in his self-pity. He snapped out of it and walked to the house. As he got closer, he noticed his youngest brother, now old enough to carry a bale of hay to the barn. He sighed, remembering everything he’d missed—seeing his brothers grow up and his grandfather before he died.

He didn’t think, just kept going and wouldn’t let himself stop until he got to the door. His oldest brother stopped with pitchfork in hand and watched him approach. It would be awkward at first, but he was sure soon enough, they’d be telling tales and reminiscing about the stunts they did as kids. Mamm would cover her cheeks or suck in a breath like she’d never heard them, and his daed would smile and shake his head. His family loved him, and he loved them. He had missed them more than he could say.

But the person he had missed the most was Emma.