Just like that. His secret was out and now Amber would be out, too. It was too bad. They’d only just met, and yet something about her had calmed him. Both last night and again today, despite his world feeling like it was starting to fall around him, her presence had been a comfort.
They were silent for the next fifteen minutes as she sat in the truck next to him, unmoving except for the occasional slow blinking of her eyes and her steady breathing.
This was purgatory.
Finally, she turned to him, their gazes meeting. “I think it’s best if I take you back to your ranch.”
His stomach, somewhere already on the truck’s mat, sank even lower. “I’m sorry, Amber.” There was a quake in his voice. “I should have told you right away, but I was hoping that ring wasn’t the same one. I still am.”
“You knew the moment you saw it. You chose to keep the secret from me.” She was deadly calm as she spoke, and it was more terrifying than if she had been screaming. When he didn’t respond, she continued in that tone. “Everything you have done since you met me has been calculated, and—”
“Whoa. No. That’s absolutely not true. I just...”
“It’s okay. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t owe me an explanation now, either. You did what you did, and I can guess why. I don’t need tired excuses or justifications.” She made her way out onto the road.
“Amber... Please, don’t,” he begged. “I’m so sorry.”
She lifted her hand, beckoning him to stop.
There was no doubt in his mind that if he didn’t take this chance, riding with her back to the ranch, that he wouldn’t get another to make up for what he had done. She was right, though. He had made the choice to keep her in the dark.
“I know you say you understand why I did what I did, but just know... I didn’t want it to be her hand out there.” He sucked in a long breath before continuing. “And I promise, on my mother’s grave, that I didn’t have anything to do with it being on our property. I’m still hoping it’s not her hand. Yet, the fact that Detective Baker wants to talk to me... I’m thinking that it’s probably her...that they’ve got a positive ID. It’s eating me up.”
Amber cringed at his words. “You swear... You absolutely promise that you didn’t have a thing to do with hurting her?”
He nodded and put his hand over his heart in sincerity. “Amber, I promise.”
Her shoulders relaxed and she slowed the truck down. “When was the last time you talked to her, really?”
He shrugged. “Like I told you before, months ago. She had texted and called, but I didn’t respond.”
“But she has your phone number?”
“She does. Tammy and I ended on a crappy note, but that doesn’t mean I hated her or that I wished anything but the best for her.”
Amber pursed her lips. If anything, she seemed torn. That, he could understand. He reached over and put out his hand, palm up, offering himself to her. “Amber, I wasn’t using you. I wasn’t keeping you in the dark on purpose. I just... I was stupid.”
She hesitated for a moment, but then reached over and took his hand. “Please, promise me one thing...” she said, begging him with a look. “No more secrets.”
He tensed. “Amber, my world is all secrets, but I will promise that I will not keep anything from you that you need to know.”
She frowned, clearly not loving his answer, but she eventually nodded. “I get it, but I can’t do this—” she motioned to each of them “—if we can’t be open. Well, open-ish. I know that your work requires certain amounts of limitations, but when it comes to here and our lives, I need to know everything about this case. And so you are aware, I wasn’t judging you, AJ.” Amber looked at him with a pleading expression.
“You absolutely were judging, Amber.” He squeezed her hand like he was trying to make it okay. “And it’s understandable that you would judge. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of in my life. Yet, if we try to date, I’ll never do anything to hurt you.”
She gave him a gentle smile, like she heard the well-intentioned promise, one he couldn’t keep. “Let me think about this—us.”
He slipped his hand from hers. He wanted to tell her she could trust him. And that he really would do nothing to hurt her, and yet he knew from his many experiences on the battlefield when a battle was lost. He had been stupid for even thinking that he should approach the topic of being together. She could do better than a man like him. Besides, now she knew more about him than just about anyone, and he couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be a part of any of it. If someone came at him with what he was trying to sell her, he would’ve run. In fact, he was surprised she was even still in the truck.
“And, hey, maybe it’s better if we just don’t do this, but... Yeah.” He stared out the window, consumed by the awkwardness between them. Maybe this was part of the reason he didn’t do relationships. He definitely wasn’t good at talking about them.
“Did your sister say anything else about Tammy?” Amber asked, dispelling some of the awkward tension between them and changing the subject.
“She said that Tammy had been staying at the Red Lion.”
“We could go see if she’s there,” Amber said, motioning in the direction of the hotel.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to be seen anywhere close to Tammy’s last known location. You know the detective would have a field day with that.”
Amber’s features tightened. “You know, if things go squirrely, the detective and his team are going to be watching that security footage at the hotel pretty closely.” Amber tapped on the steering wheel, but she turned in the direction of the hotel downtown. “Then again, if it’s not her out there in the woods, we’ll have an answer whether she’s alive if we go over there and knock on the door and she opens it.”
He hadn’t thought of it that way. If they were making this all into something it wasn’t, they would look like fools. They needed to do a little recon—if nothing else, it would give them some peace of mind.
“Plus, thinking about this from the detective’s point of view... As far as you telling me the truth about the ring, I think it’s going to be helpful. Clearly, you’re willing to work with law enforcement so it’s not like you’re concealing things. That being said, you definitely should tell the detective about the ring when you meet with him. He’s probably going to ask you questions as to why you didn’t give him the information earlier. So be prepared.”
“If he starts asking any condemning questions, Kendra already made it clear that I’m to call her for representation.”
“I have to say, from a law-enforcement standpoint, I hate when people lawyer up,” Amber said. “However, from a civilian perspective, you’re so lucky to have a lawyer as a sister, do you know that?”
“Oh, I’m more than aware. She has saved our asses for the last couple years now.” He sighed. Brick buildings passed by as they made their way downtown. “My sister was actually shot once. She was the victim of domestic violence. Now she has started to make it her mission to help women who are in situations like where she once found herself. I’m really proud of her.”
“As you should be. That is amazing.” Amber shook her head slightly, like she was in disbelief.
“What?” he asked.
She stopped and let a man cross the street in front of them. “Is there anyone in your family who isn’t just amazingly accomplished?” She laughed. “Seriously, the more you talk about them, the more intimidated I become.”
“You weren’t intimidated just by the fact that we were contractors?” he asked, with a laugh.
“Oh, for sure. I guess, though, knowing you were a contractor was fine, so long as your weapons weren’t pointed at me.”
He was strangely comforted. There were women who liked being with men who were in different areas of special operations and special forces, but finding women who were into what many looked at as mercenaries, or spies, was a little bit more of a challenge. Again, it came down to the unpredictable lifestyle. She seemed to understand that, though, and it only made him want her more. However, her being resistant to the idea of a relationship really was good for both of them.
She pulled to a stop a block down from the Red Lion, but within view of their parking lot.
“The SUV right there,” he said pointing at a white Pathfinder. “That’s her car.”
Though he had known Tammy could be creeping back into his world, until now, he had been keeping some irrational hope that it was nothing more than his own imagination. Yet, seeing her car with the dent just above the left rear-wheel quarter panel, where Tammy had backed into a pole on their third date, and the scratch where she had opened the back into a trailer hitch... It brought everything she had been and all of the old feelings he’d packed away back into the light. Damn, if he didn’t want to run away.