I watch as Reid’s truck pulls out of the driveway and wave goodbye again to Sam, although she probably can’t see me. I close the door and turn back inside, picking up the empty ice cream tubs and glasses from the coffee table in front of the TV and taking them into the kitchen. I stick them in the dishwasher with the rest of the plates from tonight and turn it on. Resting back against the counter behind me, I study the house, absorbing the silence which has come rushing back.
I’ve never been afraid of silence. I like the feeling of it when I’m walking in the countryside, or when I’m horse riding along hidden trails. But the silence I feel now, in this house, in my home, is oppressive. It’s as if all the air around me were being sucked into a black hole.
It must be because I’m so used to my sister and her family being around; or maybe it’s because whatever house I visit, there’s always life and laughter… Maybe it’s because I’m starting to long for the noise, people talking over each other, the warmth of someone waiting for you to come home. Maybe it’s because everyone around me is so happy.
I sigh into the emptiness and start wandering through my house, collecting some of the toys Lyla’s left lying around and replacing them in the basket I bought a few weeks ago for her – for her bulky, soft teddies, which she can’t seem to live without.
I look around, searching for something: for motivation, for a way to breathe. But all I hear is darkness, silence, emptiness: three things which are starting to take over my life, day after day. Three things which are beginning to scare me.
It's late by the time my sister and Brian get home. Lyla fell asleep on the journey back, and Brian carries her inside.
“Shh,” Darcy says, resting a finger to her lips. “If we’re quiet, she’ll sleep right through until tomorrow morning.”
“Give her to me,” I say to Brian, holding my arms out. “I’ll take care of her.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. You go and make yourselves some tea or whatever you like. I’ve got her.”
Brian lets me take his daughter and I head into the room the three of them have been sharing. I sit on the bed, but I don’t lay her down on the mattress right away. I want to keep her with me for a little longer, just a few minutes. I want to feel what it’s like to have someone to love. I want to know what love sounds like.
I kiss her gently on the forehead and a tear trickles slowly and senselessly down my cheek.
“Hey.” Brian’s voice is at the door.
I compose myself and lay her down.
Brian comes over and watches me as I take off her shoes and place them on the floor.
“Is everything okay?”
“To be honest, Veldons, I’m not sure.”
“Hmm… I thought as much.”
“How do you do it?”
“What do you mean?”
“How does loving her not drive you crazy?”
Brian smiles at me. “Don’t ask me. I’m crazy about them both.”
“You’re lucky. Really lucky.”
“I know.”
I get up and head over to the door.
“Is there something you want to talk about?”
Brian Veldons and I have never been each other’s biggest fan. We’ve learnt to put up with each other and to respect each other out of love for Darcy. I appreciate that he asked, but I don’t really want to take our friendship any deeper.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.”
I leave the room and join my sister in the kitchen, where she’s making tea – one for me, too. She hands me a mug and I take it, nodding over to the sofa. We sit down, side by side. Darcy is turned towards me, one leg tucked beneath her. Her face is tired, but happy.
“How was your day?”
“Tiring, but worth it. And Lyla had fun.”
“Any news?”
Darcy takes a sip. “Maybe… But first I want to know whether you have any news for me.”
“Me? I’ve been here, as always. Hotel, lunch at Veldons, afternoon and evening with Sam…”
“Lunch at Veldons?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Again?”
I shrug, taking another sip of my still-boiling tea. “Why do you care?”
“I thought you didn’t even like them.”
“You can get used to anything. Besides, they’re not all bad.”
“I’m willing to bet you’re talking about Shane Johnston.”
“Will you stop with that?”
“You’re the one who’s always bringing him up.”
“That’s not true… Or maybe it is, sometimes. But I swear it’s completely platonic.”
“I’m sure it is, or Andy would’ve already kicked your arse.”
I laugh. He really would have.
“Why would my brother kick your arse?” Brian slots into the conversation, sinking into the armchair across from us.
“Because Silas keeps making eyes at Shane.”
“I don’t make eyes at anyone!” I protest. The last thing I need is Brian getting his brother and his best friend involved in all this; they’re a watertight couple.
“If he really had, he’d already be six feet under,” Brian confirms.
“You’re right,” my sister laughs. “But he’d have ripped his eyes out with his bare hands first.”
“Can we please talk about something else? I don’t really feel comfortable talking about hypothetical flirting.”
Not in front of Brian, anyway. I’ve never had any issue talking about this stuff with my sisters – especially not with Niamh. With Sloan and Darcy things were different when we were kids. We fought about everything, and I was always so jealous of them – so much so that I ended up just being a pain in the arse. But I’ve always been fairly open about myself, my life, who I liked and who I was crazy about. Even my dad picked up on things over the years, here and there. There’s only one thing I ever tried to keep – unsuccessfully – to myself.
I did it for us both. He didn’t need gossip about us, and I didn’t need a constant reminder that he and I were wrong for each other.
“I spoke to Niamh today,” Darcy says, bringing my attention back onto her.
“Really?”
“She wanted to know whether we were still here.”
“Oh…” I say, a little disappointed. No one in the family really hears from Niamh much – especially not the others. But every so often she gets in touch with me. I didn’t know she did the same with Darcy, too.
“Since when have you two spoken?”
“Since Lyla was born. She was sad not to have been there, and things kind of grew from that. We catch up maybe a couple of times a month.”
“Where is she now?”
“I don’t really know… She was in the car, and there wasn’t very good signal. She said she’d call me back in a few days.”
“I miss her.”
“I miss her, too.”
“It would be nice if she were here, too, now that we’re all around.”
Darcy nestles into me, her head on my shoulder.
“Dad would be so happy to have us all back together. Maybe, one day…”
“Yeah, maybe one day.” I echo, unconvinced.
Niamh left years ago, with the promise that she’d be back one day. We all believed her, and I believed her more than anyone; but when months became years, I started to realise that maybe Niamh never really intended to come back. Maybe I always knew that, deep down.
We weren’t the easiest kids for my dad to raise. We had a difficult childhood because of Ma’s illness, which led to turbulent and rebellious teenage years once she died. We were hurt. Growing up, things didn’t get much better. But now, Sloan seems to be settled, and Darcy is close to finding her path. I can’t speak for Niamh, but I get the impression that she’s been hurting for a long time, and has no intention of opening the door that will lead her home.
And I’m here, close to them all. I work with them, laugh with them, cry with them. I live for them – only them. They are my family, after all. Our bond is natural, innate; but I don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending that it’s enough. I don’t know how much more I can pretend that I don’t desperately need something that belongs only to me: something to laugh for, to love for, to live for.