Leo leaves the bar and hides away in the back room. There’s no use beating around the bush; he’s run away from me, yet again. I sigh dejectedly beside Sullivan, waiting for Brian to be ready to go. I’ve promised him I’d help him run some errands. Darcy’s out at work and I’ve been looking after Lyla, who’ll spend the afternoon with her Uncle Shane, who’s taken half a day off to spend time with her. The past few days have been really busy for the Veldons family, and we’re all trying to help out where we can. To be honest, we can’t wait for them to finally move back properly.
“Don’t take it personally,” Sullivan says to me.
“Mmm?”
“Just give him some time.”
I smile bitterly. There’s no use pretending.
“He just doesn’t know how to deal with everything that’s going on.”
“He’s a grown man,” I respond icily.
“You think age makes a difference?”
I shrug. It never made a difference for me.
I’ve always known who I was, and never tried to hide it.
“Just look at Andy and Shane. They spent more time running from each other and hiding away than loving each other.”
I look over at them, and can’t help but envy them. Even though it took them years to get where they are now, they’re together, happy, in love; something which I know will never happen for me.
“They took their time, with no pressure.”
“I’m not putting pressure on anyone.”
“Exactly.”
“What do you think you know about me, Sullivan?”
He smiles conspiratorially. “What I know is that you can’t push someone to take a step they’re not ready for.”
“I didn’t. I never pushed him to do anything. I just let him go.”
“And look where he is now.”
“He’s not here for me. He’s here for his brother.”
“Maybe it was fate that brought him home.”
“No, Sullivan. It was family trouble that brought him back.”
“Maybe. Or maybe it was a whole chain of events.”
Sullivan always thinks he knows everything about everyone. The truth is that he just loves gossip and sticking his nose in where it doesn’t belong.
“What I mean is that you should never give up – especially not when it comes to matters of the heart,” he says, winking, before getting up and leaving me alone at the bar.
Silence seems to have fallen around me, or maybe I’ve simply tuned out of everyone’s chatter; the sound of my heart is roaring in my ears, drowning out everything else.
He’s always had this effect on me, you know, ever since that first day, when he tried to stick up for me in front of the team. I didn’t need him to come to my rescue, and I wanted him to be sure of that. I didn’t want him to think I was weak, someone who needed protecting. I wanted him to see me as a man; someone who could play in a damn rugby team without getting bullied; someone who could walk the school hallways with his head held high, even when he found not-so-nice notes stuffed into his locker.
I just wanted him to see me, to be honest.
And it worked.
We were teammates, then friends, then very good friends: the kind who would spend every waking second together. And then… Then we became secret friends, hiding away so that no one would ever know.
We only saw each other on the sly.
He wanted to keep me hidden.
And I was so in love that I didn’t care that he would drop my hand whenever we were in public. I didn’t care that he only kissed me in the middle of the fields, or under the cover of darkness, at night, with the trees shielding us from the world. I didn’t care that he was ashamed of how he felt about me.
I didn’t exactly give up, like Sullivan said; I simply woke up one day and stopped dreaming of something that would never happen. But I never stopped loving him, although I did try – sometimes I even believed I’d done it. But then all it took was a glimmer of sunlight on the fields, or a soft breeze tickling the branches, or the snow falling silently in the desert my soul had become.
And I was right back to square one.
Leo Fitzpatrick was my first boyfriend, my first love.
He was the only man to ever break my heart.
After him, I never let anyone get close. I couldn’t risk suffering again, didn’t want to risk erasing all my memories of us.
I couldn’t have dealt with that.
I wanted to keep them for myself, in spite of all the pain they caused me. It was the only way for him to be mine forever.
I know that something of what we had has stayed with Leo, too – otherwise he wouldn’t have kissed me like that, the other day. He wouldn’t have run off after doing it. But I also know that Leo Fitzpatrick will never come to terms with the way he feels, will never let himself give in to it. I’m a bit too old now for hiding, and I respect myself a little more now to just be somebody’s uncomfortable secret.
Sullivan is right when he says that you can’t push people to do something they’re not ready for. But you also can’t wait an eternity, watching as that someone continues trampling on the pieces of your heart. The heart that he broke.
On Sunday afternoon we’re all at the Veldons’ house, celebrating the end of all the renovations with a barbecue in surprisingly mild weather. They don’t have loads of outdoor space, but they’ve got a patio with a gazebo just in front of the house and a little garden where they can set up a play area just like the one at mine. The Veldons’ house hasn’t got much room for expansion – it’s a cottage no bigger than my own – and there’s no land around them that they could build on, one day. For now, this works for them, they said. They’ll see further down the line. Every time Darcy says something like that, a sense of hope that they’ll stick around for good starts to build in me and Sloan. We believe what she says, believe her intentions, but we can’t help but be afraid that her old longing to escape will rear its head, separating us again. It took us all so long to become this close, and we don’t want things to go back to the way they were.
They decided on Sunday for the barbecue because Veldons is basically empty, without the GAA matches or their post-match lunches.
We’re all standing – the table on the patio is only big enough for six people, and we’ve never all been here at the same time, so we’re only using it as a counter. There are a few benches dotted around, a rocking chair, and the chairs around the table, so we can easily take turns. Besides, there’s always the lawn.
Brian hands me a beer, which I accept. “Have you seen inside yet?”
“Not yet, I was waiting for it to be less crowded.”
Brian laughs. “Everyone seems pretty excited.”
“That’s normal.”
“True.”
“But, yeah, today they’re particularly excited.”
We stand there in silence for a few minutes, studying the group. I get the impression that Brian has been watching over me lately, and I’m afraid that’s only for one reason. True, we’re becoming friends, but I don’t really like the fact that he’s so well-informed on what’s going on, so involved in my love life. I’ve never had a friend like that before – someone to share thoughts and feelings with – and I have no intention of making those kinds of friends now. I like having him around, and I like that he's part of the family, but let’s not get carried away.
Darcy approaches us, beautiful as ever; the sun behind her is illuminating the blonde streaks in her hair, a full smile plastered across her face. Her skin is sun-kissed, her feet bare the way they were as a kid, running through the long grass. To say that Darcy seems to have a new lease of life wouldn’t do her justice; it’s more as if she’s only now started to open her eyes to the world around her.
“What are you naughty boys talking about?”
“Naughty?” I burst out laughing. “Us?” I gesture between me and Brian. “Okay, maybe him…” Brian glares at me. “But me? Come on…”
“What’s your problem with my husband?”
“Nothing. I would never say anything of the sort.”
“That’s because you’d have me to deal with.”
I lift my hands. Never pick a fight with Darcy. She once gave me a black eye. I mean, I deserved it, but it hurt like hell.
“Don’t pick fights with a Kylemore girl.” My father’s voice arrives from behind us. “You won’t make it out alive.”
Dad proffers Darcy his cheek to kiss and nods at Brian, who mirrors his response.
“Am I late?”
“Not at all. We’ve just put the sausages on the grill.”
“Want a drink, Seamus?” Brian asks.
“Sure, why not?”
Brian heads off and the three of us watch as he steps onto the patio.
“Do you always have to be like that?” I ask him. “Could you not be a little more, I don’t know… Friendly?”
“With Brian, you mean?”
I nod.
“I thought I was friendly,” he says, looking at Darcy. “Wasn’t I?”
“Well…” she begins, when someone interrupts her.
“You need to be gentle with old Empty Head,” Sullivan announces. He’s just arrived, too. “He’s sensitive, that one.”
“And I’m not?” Another voice, this time much less welcome, joins us. Reid and Sloan appear.
“What do you have to do with anything? Sullivan asks him.
“I need a good hug every so often, too.”
“I’ll give you a hug, if you want.” Andy’s voice makes everyone turn.
“Like fuck would I let you hug me! Are the ribs you broke on my brother not enough for you?”
A while ago, Shane went into anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction. Andy was there with him and tried to perform CPR as they waited for the ambulance, but he ended up breaking two of his ribs, instead. Reid can’t seem to let that little detail go.
We all laugh, even me – but my laughter and good mood die down immediately, reduced to a single breath I can’t seem to take. That would mean taking it from him.
“Hi, everyone,” Leo says awkwardly, standing beside Andy. His hands are deep in his pockets, his shoulders hunched, his gaze averted. He used to be so confident in himself, in the effect he had on people – on me. I could never deny myself a look into those eyes, even with the storm they would brew inside me.
“Ah,” Reid says. “This is a pleasant surprise.”
“Are you done being a dick?” Andy responds.
“I’m actually just getting started, and I’m nowhere near my usual level.”
I want to laugh, and at any other time I would have, but I can’t. I’m too concentrated on trying to stay standing.
“Mmm…” My dad, standing next to me, starts to mumble something.
“Er…” Reid echoes.
“Ahh…” Darcy exclaims, over-enthusiastically.
“Uhh…” Sloan says, a few seconds too late.
“Mmm-hmm,” Andy says, adding his opinion to the mix.
That was definitely not needed.
“Are we done with this monosyllabic conversation?” Sullivan intervenes, stepping close to Leo and looping his arm around his shoulders. Leo lets Sullivan guide him away from the Roman amphitheatre he seems to have found himself in, before he can be mauled by the lions. “Come on, boy, they’re not all idiots here. We must be able to find someone more tolerable in this car crash of a group.”
Leo flashes us a shy smile before wandering off with Sullivan. He passes right by me, his cologne filling my lungs; my heart flies open in that moment, memories pouring out. His gaze steals my soul, ready to take it as his own.
I stand there, frozen, confused, and helpless, my head lowered. I feel as if I’ve just dived headfirst into a past that’s never felt quite so close as it does right now.