At ten to six, a nervous and incredibly embarrassed Leo crosses the hotel reception.
I get up from my chair and wait for him to approach me, my legs like jelly and my head spinning dizzily. I feel as if I’ve had a bit too much to drink, as if I’m a little tipsy.
“I’m a bit early,” he smiles, as awkward as he is beautiful.
Beautiful, exactly. He always has been. Ever since he was a kid, he’s had that charm that no one can resist. He’s tall, muscly, confident. An athlete. A star. One of those kids that you couldn’t help but stare at in the hallway, hoping they’d say hi to you.
We only became friends during the last year of school, when I decided to sign up for the school rugby team. I knew who he was before I met him, and I would always turn and watch him as he walked past me in the hallway, just like all the girls would.
I was the only gay guy in school at the time – or, at least, I was the only one who chose not to hide it. It was inevitable that I’d develop a crush on someone who could never have liked me back. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was to fall hopelessly in love with my best friend, and for him to test the boundaries of his heterosexuality with yours truly.
Leo always seemed so confident in himself, so strong. So certain of his place in the world. Until he let himself go in my arms and his world crumble onto my lips.
There isn’t much left now of that cool kid who would flash dazzling smiles at the girls before rolling around in the fields with a guy.
His charm is still untouched, though, and ageing seems only to have made him more attractive. He’s a little more awkward in his mannerisms now, damningly sweet, and dangerous.
Dangerous for me.
Because, as much as things have changed, Leo will always be that boy I should never have loved.
“I didn’t think you’d come into the hotel.”
“Would you have preferred me to wait outside? I’m sorry, I thought that…”
“This is fine, honestly. It’s just… More than I expected. It’s a nice surprise.”
“What?”
“This. You.”
He smiles again. “Will we go, or…?”
“Sure, just let me call someone to cover me.”
He takes a step back and sticks his hands into his pockets. He’s wearing dark jeans and a grey shirt, his beard a few days unshaven, casting a sexy shadow across his jaw, making him seem forbidden. This is how I’ve always seen him: as if he were someone I should never lay eyes on.
Another employee turns up to take over and I gather up my things, leaving reception and joining him out in the hall.
“Let’s go.”
“After you,” he says, gesturing towards the exit. I lead the way outside and we stop just beyond the sliding doors.
“Will we take my car, or…?”
“Mine. Let’s take mine.”
“Okay.”
“I did invite you, after all.”
We climb into his car.
“You did.”
He switches on the engine and we pull out of the car park. After a few metres, Leo exhales.
“I’m so nervous…”
I smile, flattered.
“I’m terrified of messing this all up.”
“Why would you?”
“Because that’s what I usually do.”
“It’s been years, Leo…” I say, trying to play it down. I don’t want him to feel like he’s under pressure.
“But I haven’t changed.”
His statement confuses me for a moment.
“The way I feel hasn’t,” he clarifies, and I relax, lulled by the warm depth of his voice, the meaning behind his words. “But I’m scared that’s a disastrous mix.”
I rub his thigh instinctively to calm him, but his muscles tighten at my touch. I go to move them away, before I can cause any damage, but his hand holds mine firmly against his leg. His breath grows so thick that it fills the car.
“Will you help me?”
“With what?”
“With not messing this up.”
His hand presses harder against mine.
“I’ll do my best.”
We sit at the outside terrace of Ravi’s Restaurant, which overlooks Clifden Bay. It’s a nice evening, still, with no wind, even though we’re right on the coast. Our mild summer is starting to rear its head, and I couldn’t be happier. A waiter comes right over to us to light the candle at the centre of the table and hand us our menus; we both order a glass of wine and sit there, taking in the atmosphere of the place around us, letting our gazes settle onto each other.
“Are you okay here? Or do you want to go inside?”
“I’m happy here,” I say, reaching across the table to brush my fingers against his. “With you.”
Leo closes his eyes and sighs.
“I like being outside – you should know that.”
He smiles at me, his fingers playing delicately with mine.
“I know. And I know this is your favourite time of year, too.”
I nod, contented and flattered.
“It’s so weird, seeing you in the kitchen so early every morning.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I’ve always imagined you outdoors, in the fields, or riding. I can’t imagine you cooped up between four walls.”
The waiter brings over our wine, forcing us to pull apart. We both thank him, and when he’s gone, Leo’s fingers move back to mine.
“I didn’t let go because I was trying to hide something. It just seemed rude to get in his way.”
“So are you telling me that we’re not here because you don’t want to be seen with me?”
“Here…?”
“In another town.”
“We’re here because I wanted to take you somewhere nice – something we’re lacking in our little village.”
“Are you trying to say that Veldons isn’t a… Respectable pub?”
He laughs and shakes his head, his fingers moving down my hand and onto my wrist.
“I wanted to go somewhere romantic.”
“Romantic?”
He nods. He seems nervous again.
“I remember lots of things about you, Silas.”
“Is that why you insisted on picking me up?”
“I know what you like, and I know… What you’re looking for.”
Now I’m the one who’s nervous – especially when Darcy’s words start to echo back through my mind.
You don’t know what I really want, Leo.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting across from me this evening.
“I wasn’t that person then. And I’m scared I’m still not that person now, but you’re…” He shakes his head, as if he’s trying to find the right words inside himself. “I’ve thought about you so much over the years. I’ve thought about how easy it is to talk to you about everything I’m thinking, about how reassuring it felt to lie there on the grass, in the sun, my fingers in your hair.”
Memories flash through my mind as he speaks.
“I’ve thought about how alone I used to feel when I came home after spending the day with you.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me…”
“And when I was far…” His fingers weave into mine now, squeezing tight. “I don’t think there’s been a single day in my life when I haven’t missed you.”
“You were the one who left.”
“I know, I know…” He shakes his head violently and lets go of my hand, leaning back in his chair and turning his gaze out to the water before us. “Is it really so hard to believe?”
“Honestly, sometimes, yes.”
He looks at me again. “Would you give me some time to make you believe me again?”
“Why?”
“Because there hasn’t been a single moment where I’ve even imagined forgetting you.”
“You were gone for years,” I say, bitterly.
“You’re right.”
“And now you’re here, telling me something I wanted to hear a long time ago.”
“You’re right about that, too.”
“You made your choice, Leo. Now you’re only saying all this because you’re here, because things with Rachel didn’t end the way you hoped they would…”
“No, for God’s sake, no!” He leans back in towards me but I stay away, my back nailed to the chair, my hands in my lap.
“You’ve been back for more than a year and we’ve barely said a word to each other.”
“It’s taken me a while to come to terms with my feelings.”
“To realise that, deep down, you like men?”
“Men?” He laughs nervously. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“I’m not so sure, now.”
“I don’t like men.”
“Oh…” I exclaim, more confused than ever.
“I like you.”
“I don’t think I understand.”
“I only like you.”